May 312012
 

Authorities in Orange County, California have developed a plan to trap Feral Cats at two Santa Ana elementary schools, traps will be set at Frances E. Willard Intermediate School and El Sol Science and Arts Academy in the belief that trapping Feral cats might – wait for it stop the spread of Typhus.

Cat Running

It might sound odd to most reasonable people, but the authorities have stated that they believe that Feral Cats might be carrying fleas infected with Typhus and that those fleas might spread the disease to humans. I hope you caught the word ‘MIGHT’ there, it appeared quite often didn’t it!

Sadly after being caught the Feral Cats won’t be tested for Typhus or indeed any of the fleas that they may have oh no they will simply be will be sedated and then euthanised.

The reason why all of the Feral Cats in the area will be killed is simple last month, one person living in the area contracted Typhus and that person might have been in contact with a Feral Cat who might have had fleas, and the fleas might have be carrying a Typhus virus – so many ‘mights’ again. And yes you read that right just one person contracted Typhus, there isn’t a plague!

Apparently the person who contracted Typhus was hospitalised but has since made a complete recovery. Which all seems a pretty thin reason to exterminate all of the wildlife in the area don’t you think dear cuddly readers?

Cat in a Cage

The same happened at JFK Airport a few years ago although the Feral Cats there weren’t accused of an possible public health violations they were just living at the airport, minding their own business but The Port Authority of New York who manages the 5,000 acre facility decided that hundreds if not thousands of Feral Cats that lived on their property were best dealt with by exterminating them.

The reason this time because no one had been clever enough to think up the public health wheeze was air and passenger safety. The Port Authority claimed that “the wild Cats were a danger to aircraft and passengers,” if you can believe that and so they trapped them, and then killed them.

Most owners of large plots of land discover Feral Cats living on the bits that they don’t use, to be perfectly true it’s probably untrue that the wild Cats would pose much of a threat to humans or their machinery as humans seem to pose to them and that is because Feral Cats tend to stay away from humans and have no idea how to fly aeroplanes or operate other machinery airport related or not!

These land owners will of course throw up their hands in despair and say that Feral Cats are un-adoptable, this is not true. What is true is that it would cost a lot more to tame, feed and then find homes for the Feral Cats and would cost too much, so killing them is the best way because it is cheap.

Cat behind planks

Well I have news for all land owners (and I am not the only one) Feral Cats can be ‘tamed’ and can make great house Cats. Cats aren’t stupid they respond to love, care, attention and most of all food. It’s true that humans can’t get a Cat to do what they want them do, when they want them to do whatever it is. That not because Cats are wild it is because they aren’t stupid!

Below is a photograph of a very good friend of mine who was a Feral Cat for most of his life who was ‘lucky’ enough to get knocked down in London and while most humans just stared at his body lying in the road my translator stopped to actually help the stricken animal, he ignored the call from one old scrote to “kill the stray and put it out of its misery”. Instead he carefully picked the crumpled Cat up and took him to a Vet.

Six months later after fixing, breaking and re-fixing a broken leg ‘Bumper’ came to live with John Woodcock in the English countryside where he used to sit in the sun, sniff plants, lie out stretched on John’s desk while John was working and generally and make the most of his retirement.

Bumper was the gentlest, calmest, nicest Cat anyone could share a house with and never once fought with any of the other Cats who he lived with let alone attacked any humans who came to visit and never once gave anyone or anything an infectious disease.

The only naughty thing he ever did (and he never got tired of his little joke) was when lying full out on John’s desk he would occasionally without getting up knock a pen or rubber of the desk and look up at John just to make sure he was not being ignored and when you said ‘Oh Bumper look at what you have done” He would grin and go back to sleep safe and sound which is exactly what he deserved.

Poor Bumper died of cancer, probably from all of the pollution in London, one of the most polluted cities in the world, caused of course by humans!

Bumper



About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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May 302012
 

EXT. A SAFARI PARK SOMEWHERE IN ENGLAND. Day.

LION ONE

Daniel have you seen the sign?

LION TWO

What sign Michael?

Don t Pick the Flowers



About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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May 292012
 

How About This Boys In Phuket You Can get Your Nuts Massaged

Further comment might be inappropriate! But when has that stopped me?

I love signs, especially when the sign writer has no idea what he wants to say and doesn’t understand what his or indeed her message ultimately conveys! Which can lead to some desperately embarrassing situations like the case of this sign in Phuket which suggests that Squirrels or humans might get an interesting massage – females of both species should not apply!



About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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May 282012
 

Pocari Sweat or as they say in Japan ポカリスエット Pokari Suetto is a great name for a soft drink isn’t it? I am surprised that the good folk at Red Bull didn’t snap that one up aren’t you then we could have the Pocari Sweat racing teams competing in all sorts of ‘fast’ events where a lot of err… sweating is done.

Thirsty Read The Sign Bet You Aren t Now Japan

Seriously though, would you, even if you were hot and um… sweaty drink a bottle of the stuff even if it was straight from the fridge?

I am sure like me you are asking yourselves, my dear cuddly readers why the Japanese like the idea of drinking ‘sweat’ well (sadly) there’s a perfectly reasonable answer – and that is that the Japanese, bless them, in the main don’t actually mentally translate names that appear in English on product labels and so they aren’t bothered by what that name might mean in English, that’s a pity because that reasonable explanation takes some of the fun out of the idea of millions of hot Japanese people reaching for a can or bottle of ‘sweat’ to cool themselves down doesn’t it!

Oh I nearly forgot apparently, according to the manufacturers, the word ‘Pocari’ doesn’t have a meaning it is, wait for it, according to the clever marketeers – a light, bright sound.

Well I don’t know about you but when the Cat says Pocari it doesn’t really sound light or bright to me and if it did the attachment of the word ‘sweat’ to the name ruins any shine the word may have.

Pocari sweat 500ml



About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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May 252012
 

They say “make hay while the sun shines” in the western world and goodness knows how that would be translated by the ‘brilliant’ Chinese minds that brought you the amazingly inept translation below, but who cares really, not me. And that is because as I explained yesterday my Chinese gagging order has probably been relaxed as the leaders of the next superpower fight between themselves for ever larger control of the government of China and of course a bigger bucketfuls of all of the money sloshing around in the corridors of power there.

All of which makes your average multi-billionaire Russian Oligarch look like a toddler with a large suitcase or two of play money.

China World Leaders One day

This sign and its wonderful translation, I have to say, is the ‘best’ translation I have ever not been able to read let alone comprehend and I assure you that if you wanted to write this kind of mental drool you couldn’t string enough words together to produce perfect drivel to do it. Well done China the next superpower.

I have just tried to ‘translate’ the saying at the beginning of this blog using the Chinese method of translation and wondered what you thought of it dear cuddly readers. “Hay shines while make sun.” No, I just don’t have their ‘gift’ do I?



About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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May 242012
 

This sign offers good news for anyone with backside troubles, I think. But first I wonder if any of my dear cuddly readers can tell me what are backside troubles and why a Beijing hotel bathroom would offer to repair them.

Bum Job

Is this I wonder, part of the “Two Fly Rule” that has been introduced by the new super power government concerned about the standard of public toilets in Beijing?

What is the “Two Fly Rule” I hear you ask with a sense of disinterest bordering on desperation? Well those clever chaps at the very very top of the government in China have decided that all public toilets in Beijing must not have more than two flies buzzing around per cubicle, and oddly enough the “Two Fly Rule” is just part of a rather bizarre new directive issued to washroom attendants and any others with an interest in public restrooms.

In addition to the “Two Fly Rule” other new measures aimed at improving public toilets in the Chinese capital include limiting the amount of rubbish that can be discarded on the toilet floor, though no one was prepared to say what sort of rubbish and how much was allowed under the new “Two Fly Rule.” There were other measures it is just that this Cat got bored reading them so gave up trying writing about them especially when the “Two Fly Rule” is strange enough on its own!

The man with the job of enforcing the initiative is called Xie Guomin and recently when asked by journalists about the “Two Fly Rule,” he said that it and all of the other measures to improve Beijing toilets weren’t actually compulsory, but were simply a new benchmark designed to improve the Chinese capital’s notoriously disgusting and unpleasant public restrooms, something this Cat commented on in his masterpiece of feline literature ‘The Cat’s Travelogue.’

Sadly those comments were removed from my wonderful unputdownable book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue.’ due in the main to a large payment of hush money paid into a Swiss bank account courtesy of the Chinese government. But as the incredibly corrupt official in charge of overseeing my silence has been removed from power and his equally corrupt buddies are trying to make other more serious ‘activities’ of theirs disappear from public record, I at least consider my agreement with them to be largely null and void and I can start to tell my cuddly readers all about the dreadful place that is called China at long last.

Sorry about that I got side tracked, where was I? Oh yes! Xie Guomin the party official in charge of toilets and more importantly the well thought out “Two Fly Rule” was reported saying. “We will not actually count fly numbers. The regulation is specific and quantified, but the inspection methodology will be flexible.” What on earth does that mean – it sounds like David Cameron talking doesn’t it?

Roughly translated what Xie Guomin said is ‘party speak’ for “we will do nothing at all to improve any public toilets and we have no idea why those bastard imperialists made such a fuss our our cosy, rubbish strewn, fly infest bogs when they were here during the 2008 Olympics, and if anyone asks why it has taken the government so long to get around to doing nothing about our filthy toilets they can go to hell! After all what is wrong with the public toilet in the picture below?”

Dirty public toilet China

Which just goes to show how far China has to go before it can really and truthfully think of itself as a superpower or indeed a civilised nation because a superpower and civilised nation would have a “No Fly Zone” wouldn’t it? Tee hee!



About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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May 232012
 

“Care for a knob bun madam?” Is probably a question that you hear the length and breath form Finland from kinky Helsinki to outrageous Oulu.

Finland Words Fail Me

Although of course everyone knows that in 1977, for reasons best known to err… Fins the concepts of both ‘city’ and ‘town’ were done away with and today the poor old Fins only have municipalities by law, however the Fins being human call most of their municipalities “towns” tee hee.

And the madness and disorganisation gets better, which is why I like the Fins by the way, because a simple decision by the municipal council to change the description of a rural municipality or wait for it ‘junta’ can change the town into a ‘city’ which, for those few who care outside of Finland, is called a ‘kaupunki’ in Finnish.

All of which means, if this Cat got his whiskers around Finnish law correctly, that the 1977 judgement is worth as much as an old Voisilmäpulla or knob bun and I have to say I like that idea!

For those curious cuddly readers among us I thought I would show you all a picture of a Voisilmäpulla or knob bun, no it isn’t quite the shape I imagined either!

Voisilmapulla



About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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May 222012
 

I love America because the people are open, honest and fun, where else in the world would they call a restaurant Captain Poo’s Blue Marlin Bar and Grill? Nowhere and that is a fact which is why Captain Poo’s Blue Marlin Bar and Grill is at 2200 Little River Neck Road, North Myrtle Beach, South Carolina in the good ole US of A.

Food with it s own particular aroma

Of course Captain Poo’s Blue Marlin Bar and Grill serves a lot of very good grilled fish but it isn’t right next to the sea as suggested on the sign it is about a mile inland but it is right next to the Little Neck River and that flows into the sea eventually.

And if you don’t fancy Captain Poo’s why not try Fibbers on the Water?

Fibber banner

It isn’t that far away down at 4498 Water Front Ave, Little River, South Carolina, though I have to say if you watch their video presentation here Fibbers you’ll see why they call the restaurant ‘Fibbers’ their “Shepherd’s Pie” has a pie crust and everyone in the place that that dish was invented knows that Shepherd’s Pie has a Mashed Potato topping duh!

For those of you who don’t know what a proper Shepherd’s Pie is and that obviously includes the good people of Fibbers Restaurant here is a picture of a rather tasty one, I blush to say who made it of course!

Shepherds Pie

Lastly for those of you for whom the English language is not their native language and of course I include Americans in that group I would like to explain the word ‘fibber.’ In the English language to tell a fib is to lie and the person telling the ‘fib’ is a ‘fibber.’ Tee hee!



About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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May 212012
 

If you have read my masterpieces of feline literature ‘Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary‘ and ‘The Cat’s Travelogue‘ you may well be familiar with my lawyer Mr. Todd A. Leibowitz “call me Todd” who has represented me as a lawyer, agent, advisor, familiar, confidante, spokesperson, PR expert, investment consultant and personal councillor for a number of years whether I have wanted him to or not and in the process taken what ‘others’ describe as a substantial portion of my income including royalties, gifts, personal expenses for appearances in person or as Mr. Todd A. Leibowitz “call me Todd” says is a very small percentage of the whole “operation” bearing in mind what he does for me.

So when I saw the sign below it honestly started me thinking. Are the ‘others’ right or are they as Mr. Todd A. Leibowitz “call me Todd” says acting in a “sour grape-wise manner because they didn’t get in on the found floor!”

No one trusts lawyers

So here is a snap shot of my recent thoughts and maybe you can decide for me because I am in two minds which is confusing to say the least!

I’m torn these days, I know I owe Mr. Todd A. Leibowitz “call me Todd” a lot because he tells me I do and then goes on to say that if I hadn’t used his personal management company and its dozens of “affiliates,” all of whom charge by the hour, I don’t think I would be sitting here writing this blog because I wouldn’t be the famous and fabulously successful author that I am, but people who I have met along the way seem to disagree and I am starting to believe them!

For example I would never ever have thought that as part of my “disbursements,” Mr. Todd A. Leibowitz “call me Todd’s” word not mine, I had to purchase a “runabout” for him from Ferrari of America so that he could drive over to my place for brunch. And then when I moved to England do exactly the same thing.

But I trust Mr. Todd A. Leibowitz “call me Todd.” He has, like Bernie Madoff before him, done such a lot for me, and as he never fails to tell me there is one difference between Bernie and Mr. Todd A. Leibowitz “call me Todd” and that’s true with Mr. Todd A. Leibowitz “call me Todd” I get to keep most of my hard earned cash and as Mr. Todd A. Leibowitz “call me Todd” tells me unlike poor Stevie Spielberg Mr. Todd A. Leibowitz “call me Todd” was able to get most of my money back from Bernie Madoff before “everything started to turn into the shape of a Pear.” And of course for that I am grateful to Mr. Todd A. Leibowitz “call me Todd” for that, I understand that Steven Spielberg had to really cut back and sell one of his super yachts and is only left with five of his homes, poor lamb. Still if he made better movies he might just be able to buy a new super yacht but then that is merely my personal opinion.

The reason why I am still not sure if Mr. Todd A. Leibowitz “call me Todd” is to be fully trusted is that so many lawyers, like bankers, politicians and a large number of stockbrokers, investment advisors, and financiers have proved to be, at best cold hearted individuals who are only looking to line their pockets, and at worst are now, after years of being trusted confidantes, being convicted of a catalogue of very serious crimes and going down for ‘stretches’ that are substantially longer than their life expectancy and I am sure that there are more to follow.

Worse still if you are like me just a little paranoid and prone to delusion (I think I might be that unless I am being delusional about it of course) you may be casually reading the UK newspapers and start to form the opinion that there is an awful lot of collusion and conversation between the UK’s ruling party, the Police and some Newspapers with of course a liberal peppering of ‘professionals’ lawyers, accountants, financiers etc., involved all of which is very worrying.



About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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May 172012
 

On my meandering way around the world researching my latest unputdownable masterpiece of feline literature ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ I dropped off in a lot of places, but then human cities, after a while, get very samey don’t they and frankly they could send anyone with as little interest in human activities (except Prawn fishing of course) to sleep.

One of the places I did stay awake in was Buenos Aires. I also felt rather hungry all of the time and unfortunately after I got back home I had to dump the entire chapter of my masterpiece of feline literature ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ because it was drivel which was odd because at the time of writing it I though that it was amazing, and one of the best things I had ever written.

Thinking back to my time in Argentina I have a suspicion that all of the rambling drivel I wrote and my feeling of euphoria might have had more to do with the rather nice sweeties I became rather partial to while I was there!

Oddly enough when my supply was curtailed, after leaving the country, I was rather depressed for a while and even now a few years afterwards I still have the occasional craving for Crack Crocante.

Addictive sweetie for all ages Argentina

You don’t have any in your pockets do you? Just a little taste, that’s all I want, I’ve got Prawns!



About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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