A must see from the BBC

Hello all my dear cuddly readers from smog filled Dalian to boiling Dallas and sunny Lanzhou to polluted London, I thought that you should know that John Woodcock who of course is better known as my translator has something of a personal announcement and so I have donated some incredibly valuable blog real estate (at a modest fee) to allow him to tell you all about it!

John Woodcock’s very talented daughter Jo is appearing in a new BBC TV series which will be on your screens every night next week starting Sunday @ 10.25pm. The series is called “True Love” and is about older people taking younger lovers – Jo being one of the younger lovers of course.

Here below is the front cover of the Radio Times (an English TV listing magazine) which features the series.

Photo 1

Happily for all my wonderful cuddly readers in the US of A you’ll be able to see “True Love” on HBO soon I think, if you have the right equipment of course and I know my cuddly readers always have the right equipment, don’t you!

Here, if you need reminding, is a recent snap of Jo so that you know who to cheer for in the divan wrestling matches – if there are any tee hee.

Jo at Night

This is what the BBC had to say about the series.

“Created and directed by Bafta winning Dominic Savage, True Love stars David Tennant, Ashley Walters, Billie Piper, Jane Horrocks and David Morrissey. BBC One’s first improvised series, it explores five powerful and overlapping love stories set in the same town.

The first episode centres on Nick, who is happily married: his wife and children are everything to him, but when his first love appears out of the blue he starts to question everything. Could they go back to what they had all those years ago?

Cast: Nick is played by David Tennant, Ruth is played by Joanne Froggatt, Serena is played by Vicky McClure, Michelle is played by Lacey Turner, Darren is played by Luke Bryant and Lorraine is played by Jo Woodcock.”

Sounds good doesn’t it? But then I know someone who is related to one of the cast so I might be a little bias!


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Do they do what it says on the sign?

As you know I love signs and I love to share my love of signs with my dear cuddly readers, here is one of my favourite signs. It is Italian and is a perfect demonstration of the way that not every sign translated into English becomes a monster of the English language, no that only happens when the Chinese translate signs.

We do what it says on the sign

Speaking of signs, I heard of one just now, someone sent me a message about a sign they had just seen. The sign was apparently stuck to a large wheelie (trash) bin (under two pairs of spectacles) sadly my informant didn’t include a picture, but then the handwritten sign was in Czech so only a minute percentage of the population of the world would have understood it anyway, and of course I can’t be included in that tiny group.

Anyway the sign said “lost glasses” and was sitting next to two, yes two pairs of glasses, as you can see the Czechs are not great ones for the capitalisation of their words or indeed punctuation marks which is sad really because the statement could be just that a statement or a question. As in “look two gloat glasses!” Or “are these two pairs of glasses lost?” Or indeed “have you lost two pairs of glasses?”

Still who can fault a nation of such honest people, if this was England the glasses would have either been stolen, or more likely smashed by some moron, just for the hell of it.

The sad thing is that it is possible that the person who lost the glasses won’t actually be able to see the two pairs of glasses neatly balanced on the wheelie bin under the “lost glasses” sign because they might not have a spare pair of specs as it would seem that they have lost not only their main pair of glasses but their spare ones too.

What a pity, obviously June 12th is not someone’s day, I do hope that it gets better and he or she finds his “lost glasses”.


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Advisers to all international banks

Have you ever wondered if there is one organisation that is so powerful, so clever, and so canny that they advise every single international bank?

If you have wondered then you would be right and The Cat has managed to get a photograph, and publish it for the first time ever in any publication, of the offices of the geniuses who advised JP Morgan only recently and in the past have offered sound investment advice to such risk taking heroes of the financial world as Goldman Sachs, Citibank and well you get the picture…

Ladies and gentlemen, and of course my dear cuddly readers I give you CHANCY INVESTMENTS of Malawi honest advisers to the banking world, who’d have thought that the world’s entire banking system was run, and of course regulated, by such an august institution.

Advisers to all international banks Malawi



About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Best served with a child bride I expect

I heard from those small, but persistent bullies, the Chinese government again this week and I have to say I didn’t like their tone at all!

Apparently I have been unfairly picking on them and their comrade translators and “making too much funiness from their work the hardest.” Whatever that means. Happily as we speak I haven’t received the sort of cyber going over that either Google, for pointing out ways to overcome draconian censorship and the US government for causally publishing the pollution figures for Chinese cities – which if you’ve missed them are soberly described by some experts as “off the scale.”

Now, this Cat has been accused of being a lot of things but one of those things is not stupid and so I thought I would pick on India, not for a change because I think that like that other titan of economic growth and future leader of the world who’s inhabitants manage, despite their government saying otherwise, to do some really dreadful things, one of which is to condone underage marriage of little girls to old men and little boys to old women.

Best served with a child bride I expect Rajasthan

Here is a quote from the Asian Tribune which is published by World Institute For Asian Studies and sums up the attitude of Indians today towards child marriages.

“Chetram, a 56-year-old man residing in a rural village of the Surguja district of Chhattisgarh, who gleefully boasted of marrying six girls to date, all between the ages of eight and 16 years when he was 10, 14, 17, 23, 25, and finally 47 years old.”

So come on India you can launch rockets into space, brag about your economic growth, but you can’t stop dirty old men and women marrying little girls and boys – shame on you.

There that should keep the Chinese off my back for a while shouldn’t it?


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”


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Scotland – where the streets are full of danger

Obviously if the fried food doesn’t get the ‘bairns’ in Scotland the proximity to firearms will.

Scotland s streets are full of danger

I would just like to say that I am a great supporter of Scotland’s right to independence and sincerely hope that they achieve their dream, so long as they don’t do what an independent Republic of Ireland did and take large amounts of aid from the ‘old country’ which sadly needs aid of its own these days.

“Och eye the noo” as they say up where the men wear plaid skirts, have little dirks tucked into their socks and hairy purses strapped in place over their unmentionables.

Oh sorry about that. For some reason I got carried away and before you ask, it wasn’t the amber nectar fumes! Surely it’s too early even for those heavy drinkers north of the border.


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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This is India – there are rules you know!

I am so pleased that I was able to find the short version of this sign!

India where there are rules you know


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”


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A Sad Day! A Cat Remembers!

Roger 2012

It is the 8th anniversary of the passing of my translator John Woodcock’s older brother Roger Woodcock, who as you may know was also uncle to the every lovely actress Jo Woodcock star of a number of films and television dramas.

Roger was not only one of the funniest people ever to have enthralled an audience, from the stage or in the centre of a group, he was also a marvellous writer, journalist and author. It has to be said here that without his help and inspiration none of my books would have been written/translated. Although sadly he wasn’t around when I wrote my first book I know that he worked with my translator on a number of TV projects over a long time.

Jo

A lot of you will know Jo Woodcock, Roger’s niece from her appearances in ‘Tess of the d’Urbervilles,’ ‘Powder,’ ‘Torn,’ The Royal Shakespeare’s Theatre’s production of ‘Great Expectations’ and in so many more films and shows in the cinema and on TV.

It’s quite a family isn’t it? Small but talented! And this Cat is happy to be part of it, and as it is the Jubilee extended weekend bash, I suppose you could say I am a bit like the big diamond in the Woodcock Crown! Couldn’t you?

But that takes nothing away from Roger Woodcock who shone in his own right. One of the best stories I have heard about Roger was when he was in Hamburg in the late 1960’s, Germany doing some research for one of his many book on Ocean Liners. He was sitting having a coffee in a roof top coffee bar that over looked the very famous Blohm and Voss shipyard.

Of course we all should know that over the years Blohm and Voss have built a lot of ships for some very famous clients, loads of oily billionaires from Russian to Saudi Arabia and all ports in-between. Mind you there is one client who they don’t seem to mention in their corporate brochure these days and he is Herr Hitler, you know, the chap that led the Third Reich – a real song and dance.

Roger was sitting minding his own business rehearsing in his head the only German phrase he had committed to memory – “Entschuldigung, wo ist die Toilette?” which roughly translated means “Excuse me, where is the toilet?” A phrase that he knew would come in handy after several coffee’s or better still his preferred beverage several beers.

All of a sudden Roger’s train of thought was interrupted in the middle of the tongue twisting word ‘Entschuldigung,’ which he often remarked seemed to be a long and complicated way to simply say “excuse me,” by a rather heavily built Frau, who was apparently even more heavily built than most of the other Fraus who tend to block out the light in Hamburg.

For those of you who may not know German women are err… well let’s call them ‘statuesque’ to be polite, because although I didn’t mention them in my second book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ quite a lot of Germans have bought my first book “Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary” and they too believe it is a “Meisterwerk der Literatur feline” mmh I wonder if that needs translating?

Oops sorry I seem to have veered off the point and we were so near to the joke – sorry. Now back to the roof top café with Roger and the fat German lady, who by now had transferred her stein of beer to his table and sat down.

“I see you are interested in the shipyard!” She said. “I work in Blohm and Voss, I’m a welder,” she continued with considerable pride. “We built the Bismarck, the most powerful battleship of the war” She boasted in a tone that only Angela Merkel has ever imitated.

Bismarck

Roger who was not too pleased at being interrupted replied, “oh yes the Bismarck! I’m English, we sunk it!” A comment which apparently went down just like the Bismarck itself, slowly! Tee hee.

I wonder what Roger would have made of the sign below which I discovered on my last trip to Berlin? I have a feeling that he wouldn’t have been that interested in a tour of the toilets of Berlin, but he would have been delighted at the nonsense on the sign and the fact that after thirty years of practicing he would have been able to pronounce “toilette” perfectly in German and indeed many other useful words.

Bog Standard Travel


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”


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Two warnings from China

Someone wrote to me and said that it was really awful of me to continually “fun make Chinese of!” And to reinforced their displeasure they suggested what might happen if I continued to do so “You worried should be consequences about if continue you.” The letter was signed by the Commissar of Tourism and World Friendship, the People’s Republic of China.

So here is my answer to all of the Cat eaters everywhere!

Hong Kong Safety Message

I know its a good one isn’t it. Am I ‘consequences worried about’ if I continue nah! I don’t think s., Why? Well it’s simple really even if the Cat eaters ever achieve world domination they will have to deal with people in other countries and as they do they will realise how much more fun we have than they ever do in the free world and of course they will get to learn how to write signs that make sense.


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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