All posts by The Cat

Oil Spill

You know I think that BP may have been passed ‘The Cat Towers’ my Prague HQ, and the centre of my ever growing empire, because there is the most enormous oil spill outside on the footpath (see below).

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The enormous oil spill here prompted me to ask a favour of anyone living on the Gulf of Mexico coastline. If they could take a stroll down to one of their now black beaches and sniff a tarred pelican or two and then let me know if they smell of Vegetable Oil, because I have a feeling that is the odour that is drifting up to my office window and of course if the beach and the wildlife do smell of Vegetable Oil it will confirm my suspicions and I will start to make my compensation claim.

BP say that they have a 20 billion dollar fund that they will use to pay for the damage they have created which is a hell of a lot more than the 1.28 billion dollars that Exxon reluctantly spent in 1989 after the Exxon Valdez hit the rocks off Alaska.

I wonder if BP will wash whiter? Because people who live on the coastline that the Exxon Valdez sprayed with oil say that they are still suffering the ill effects all these years later, but then as the general public have a very limited attention span who out there cares? Definitely not Greenpeace those guardians of the environment who spend so much of our hard earned money on their offices, ships and of course staff needed to collect even more of our hard earned disposable income.

I only know that they don’t care about those poor Alaskans because nowhere on their website do they say that they are doing anything for those poor sods, but then the Exxon Vadez doesn’t have the cachet of the BP disaster does it? And that means that Greenpeace couldn’t use that old Alaskan disaster to make a grab for more of your money could they! The Exxon Valdez disaster is now only relevant to Alaskans.

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But think about it can you blame greedy corner cutting corporations when it is ‘you’ that they are getting the oil for at the cheapest possible price so that you always can use your car and don’t pay too much for gas!

Tell you what, if you are ‘that’ concerned about this disaster then the obvious answer is to give up your car, don’t fly anywhere and then happily the developed world will need less oil.

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If we give up our cars and trucks and save loads of oil then that will leave the two biggest polluter China and India (who of course don’t have any international legal obligations to stop polluting) to pay ever greater amounts of cash for oil, which I have to say is a nice idea isn’t it?

Still thinking about the BP disaster for a moment – did you know that the BP disaster is not the worst oil spill ever, yes, you wouldn’t believe it would you? There is at least one worse oil spill. It happened when that arch villain Saddam Hussein invaded Kuwait and then offered a “Mother of all Battles” then ran away before ‘Mother’ arrived and the battle could begin.

During Saddam’s brief time in Kuwait he was worried about the American Marines landing from the Persian Gulf and so being the ‘hero’ that he was he ordered that the valves at an offshore oil terminal be opened. The result was a loss of hundreds of millions of barrels of oil and a 4 inch thick oil slick that covered 4000 square miles.

To give you an idea of what that was like just imagine Rhode Island not only covered in oil but swamped with it to a depth of a foot.

Lastly on an equally unhappy note I recently travelled to Hungary to write a little more of my next book which is a Travelogue, now you can see why I went to Hungary it wasn’t for any sort of literary inspiration or anything I hope you didn’t misunderstand.

The whole trip was awful because basically Hungarians are the rudest people I have ever encountered and I have met Prince Charles!

You can read all about my trip in the book when it finally comes out, but I thought I would share an observation and show just why people are acting unwisely if they wear t-shirts with writing on.

As I passed through downtown Budapest I saw a t-shirt which had a very odd message on it! It said “I Love BP” actually it was one of those even worse than dreadful t-shirts that said “I” then had a little graphic representation of a heart “BP” if you see what I mean.

As you can imagine I thought that this was a very risky stance for anyone to take on behalf of BP in the light of what they are doing to one of the prettiest places in the world, but this was Hungary and as I explained, though I hope not too critically, 99.99% of Hungarians are rude bastards.

It wasn’t until I was on my way home and had spent several hours sighing with relief to get out of Hungary alive it sort of dawned on me “I ♥ BP” meant “I Love or ♥ Budapest.”

As you can now tell it was such a dreadful place, because of the Budapestians that it never ever entered my head that someone would love Budapest, or dare wear a t-shirt that showed any love to the oily polluter either for that matter.

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November Could Be Interesting

You will be pleased to hear that I am going to have a bit of a break, unfortunately that break won’t be until November but it will be rather fun I am sure.

Have I piqued your interest? I do hope so! Where am I going I hear you ask – no go on please ask where I am going even if you aren’t really very interested because I am really hyped by the prospect and when you hear you might just be a little hyped too – whatever ‘hyped’ actually is of course!

Ok I give in I’ll tell you anyway. I am going to Florida, to Cape Canaveral that used to be Cape Kennedy, to watch a photograph of my face be launched into space on the last Space Shuttle flight ever, unless of course you count the return flight as a separate one if you see what I mean and surely the return flight is important enough to be counted separately.

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The great thing is that after NASA asked me to supply the photograph of me that is used on the cover of my world famous book “Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary” available from all good, and not so terribly good, bookshops near you and of course at these fine places Amazon.com and my wickedly wonderful website or www www.thecatsdiary.com I asked them nicely if they would consider letting ordinary people send their pictures into space along with mine.

First they said that was a wonderful idea and then as they thought about it more they suggested that they might encourage people to send their pictures to them via the wonderful world wide web and they went away to build a website to do that very thing, well we have to celebrate NASA’s generosity because now if you are inclined to send your photograph into space you can do just that.

Simply go to the link below and upload a picture of you or indeed a loved one or family member (sorry old joke couldn’t resist it) and then wait until the Shuttle you choose comes back to the planet.

After your Shuttle has arrived back on Earth all you have to do is to go back to the site and using your reference number (which they give you after your picture is uploaded) you can get a certificate to say that your face has been in space, which if you are as interest in Rockets and of course explosions as I am you will probably treasure for a long time or if you are cheap like some people accuse me of being send the certificates to your friends and family as Christmas presents – tee hee.

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I am going on the very last Space Shuttle mission the 134th, you should choose that one because it is going to be the best and most memorable because it has me on it. If you look at the picture below you’ll see some of our co-astronauts, a little bit about our mission on the STS-134 and a picture of the all important embroidered Mission logo – I want one of those don’t you?

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Well although of course I am going to be really sad to see the back of the ugly little Space Shuttle it has ended up like almost all little ugly things, it has become an icon like, oh Mickey Mouse, Jeffrey Katzenberg, the Chief Executive Officer of Dreamworks and of course the Statue of Liberty which frankly I believe the French couldn’t off load fast enough once they realised just how ugly it was, so they looked around for a young, gullible nation and gave them a ‘present.’

I think that the only reason that America accepted the French ‘present’ was that they thought that they were getting the Eiffel Tower, much as they did when the those nice folks in Lake Tahoe thought that they were getting the iron bridge called Tower Bridge and were justifiably surprised when the first stones of London Bridge were unloaded, though why they would want that ugly Victorian monstrosity is anyone’s guess!

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Just to compare the bridges and to prove that the bridge the good people of Lake Tahoe got was a nicer bridge. Here is the London Bridge as it is today.

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Do please let me know if you agree with this Cat or not and of course if you upload your picture to be blasted off into space later this year.

Personally I can hardly wait.

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Millie Makes Me Proud To Be A Cat

Recent reports that a Cat called Millie who was allegedly ‘stuck’ in a tree, after being chased up it by another Cat, have come to this Cat’s attention and of course I would like to not only report Millie’s heroism but also confer her true story to the masses of readers who catch my blog now and again in the hope that the story of this brave and justifiable annoyed Cat will give an insight into the mind of a Cat.

An insight that appears to be sadly lacking in most humans this Cat has to say, especially to those in the rescue services and the ambulance chasing media who rush to this sort of ‘event’ and in doing so; firstly create the ‘event’ to fill their tawdry newspapers and tv bulletins and secondly cause considerable embarrassment to an innocent Cat who is carefully minding his or her own business from very high up.

I have to say that I have found a Cat after my own heart! In fact more than that I think I have found a Cat who has been reading my blog and of course my wonderful masterpiece of Feline literature “Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary” available at all good bookshops and at a place called Amazon.com which, as I say a little too often, you may have heard of because Amazon.com are nearly as famous as yours very truly.

In my wonderful book and indeed on my award winning and peerless blog I explain the annoyance that a Cat suffers when humans think it is stuck up a tree when in fact it is perfectly happy to simply take in the view. Sorry I had to laugh then I used the words human and think in the same sentence – I knew I could do it one day if I tried really hard

Still enough of the blatant and hard nosed advertising and plugging of my wonderful book, although vast summer sales are very important if I am to stay on top of the bestseller lists for a long time (unsubtle hint hint).

I think that it is true to say that Millie the Cat is obviously an avid reader of fine literature – no Dan Brown books on her shelves I bet. Millie obviously had been reading my wonderful blog and book and thought that she would give tree climbing a bit of a go and gosh did Millie have a go! Not only managing, with a little help from a cast list of various and assorted humans who I will deal with as they appear but also by rewarding her eventual ‘rescuers’ with a lot of swear word evoking deep scratches.

I use the word ‘rescuers’ in inverted commas because as usual with any “Cat Stuck Up A Tree” story there is no hard evidence that the Cat in question who is up the aforementioned tree actually requires any ‘rescuing’ or indeed any form of outside ‘assistance,’ in any shape or form.

It seems as though Millie, a rather good looking Cat who looks a lot like me with Silver, Tabby and White fur and in her case the addition of some Tortoiseshell colouring on her back, was taking in the view of the neighbourhood from 40 feet, or 12 metres if you are of the metric persuasion, above ground in a conveniently tall tree and had been keeping this vigil for a few days, around five to be precise when her ‘owner,’ and of course I use that word loosely, decided that she was in fact stuck up the tree she was in.

Humans should stop for a moment before they start to panic and jump to conclusions such as “that Cat is stuck up the tree because she or he hasn’t been down it for five days!”

Why?

Well I would have thought ‘that’ was obvious derr! Millie like most Cats who climb trees to take in the view and to feel the branches making their whiskers twitch to say nothing of feeling the wind ruffle their fur, usually climb down for food and a comfort break or two at night when it is nice and quiet and the humans in the neighbourhood are mostly asleep or rather drunk and unsteadily wandering the streets too lost to notice or care about a Cat having a err, comfort break in the front garden.

I am pretty sure that Millie was doing exactly that on the day when her human decided to panic and set in motion a procession of calamitous errors of judgements, actions and more and why did he wait for five days? Why not two or three, or seven why five days, it is bizarre!

The first thing Millie’s human did was to disturb the Fire Brigade. Why do they do that humans? Firemen have probably the most important job in the world, they save people from very dangerous things like err fire and shouldn’t be called to retrieve a Cat from a tree, especially when a Cat doesn’t want to be retrieved in the first place.

In this case it would seem that the Fire Brigade were not too happy about the emergency call and worse still they were unable to put their ladders up against Millie’s wonderfully tall tree because the ground wasn’t safe, which just goes to show that Millie had chosen her tree very wisely for her period of private contemplation and obviously didn’t want to be disturbed.

The Firemen decided to try something ‘different’ and rather uncharacteristically for Firemen turned their hose on her apparently to ‘encourage’ her to come down from the tree and presumably to shut her panicking ‘owner’ up.

So a soggy Millie did what any sensible drenched Cat would do in the circumstances and climbed higher up the tree to get out of the range of the hose, clever Cat! I wonder how many humans would think of that one.

Unfortunately for the ‘rescuers’ (and by now several hundred by-standers, gwapers and of course a number of media representatives) the hose trick had not saved Millie, unfortunately for Millie, her ‘owner’ and advisers had several more hair-brained rescue schemes in reserve and through the day carried them out not even stopping for sandwiches at lunchtime.

Next on the scene for an interview, with the media and an in-depth face to face with the BBC News cameras and then a rescue attempt were the ‘RSPCA.’

RSPCA is short for the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty of Animals, of course any organisation with the word ‘royal’ in the title is going to be a bit useless and although the RSPCA spokesperson gave a very good interview to camera they couldn’t really do much because the ground around the tree was flooded courtesy of a number of disgruntled Firemen and to most watching seemed to give in a little early.

Just as all hope of a ‘rescue’ picture exclusive was beginning to fade Millie’s owner and the assembled crowd of well wishers, idlers and hangers-on had yet another cracking idea. They would order up some scaffolding. Not presumably for a public execution because this was Barnsley in Yorkshire and not downtown Tehran and as a consequence of the geography thankfully public executions had been outlawed a long while ago.

The scaffold arrived on the back of a truck with two scaffolders, who after they had managed to clear a space in the enormous crowd, very quickly used all of the poles they had brought to surround the tree and Millie. Unfortunately the scaffolding wasn’t tall enough for the brave scaffolders to hear Millie spitting at then clearly when they were at the top, in short the scaffolding tower surrounding the tree was too short.

It was probably now as the crowd started to lose interest and shout things like “shake the tree!” “Throw your shoe at the Cat!” that the scaffolders decided to take matters and of course their lives into their own hands and instead of going back for more scaffolding they decided to climb the to the uppermost parts of the trees.

These parts of trees are also known as the flimsiest. They are in fact so insubstantial that if a tree was subject to the laws of the land related to say construction they would have to have a sign clearly displayed saying “These branches will not support the weight of a human not even a child.” Or something like that! But they didn’t and it is probably pointless to ask if the scaffolders would have heeded such a sign anyway, scaffolders being who they are!

It would seem that the tree climbing went rather well and slowly but surely the scaffolders managed to get onto the same level as their quarry although it is clear to see from the picture below that their ‘quarry’ was not exactly overjoyed to have the company of two burly scaffolders in her bit of the tree, and worse she had now started to run out of tree.

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To her credit Millie had managed to scratch and bite both scaffolders severely in no time at all, it has to be said here that the scaffolders really only had themselves to blame as they weren’t wearing any protective clothing.

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Millie bravely put up a considerable fight against very unequal odds all the way down the tree as she struggled to stay up it and the scaffolders struggled to bring her down it.

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By the time Millie was reunited with her human (in the blue shirt covered in err urine – well she was still scared in her defence) she had happily drawn a lot of blood and though boggled eyed from the struggle cooly ignored the cameras, interviewers and the crowds whoops of joy that she was back on terra firma.

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Of course this story is not new it is the age old story of a Cat stuck up a tree and as it is being eventually rescued it mauls the rescuers and if you humans don’t want to hear it repeated time and again you have to do something yourselves.

Next time you see a Cat minding its own business up a tree, no matter how high it happens to be up that tree, before you call out the Fire Brigade, the Army, the Police, Scaffolders, Helicopter Rescue and any other Fred, Ned or Ted please ask yourself this simple question first.

Does that Cat need rescuing or is it simply enjoying the view?

And then before you cause a media event involving the Fire Brigade and any number of other rescue services just ask yourself this simple question!

If Cats actually do get stuck up trees and can’t get down why is it that we don’t see a lot of Cats that suffered the ultimate price for their, as human’s would put it ‘stupidity?’

The answer is rather simple and one day I expect it to occur to a human – very few, if any, Cats get stuck in trees and if they do then they are only temporarily stuck!

Of course there is always ‘one’ in the crowd, there will always be the ‘odd’ Cat, and I would emphasise the word ‘odd’ here, who gets stuck in a tree and can’t get down but they are the exception to the rule and even they are not stuck as a rule if you see what I mean.

What humans should be on the look out for is Cats who get stuck in places that have doors, where some idiot human tidily closes the door after a curious Cat has slunk in to investigate a new and probably dark place.

I have to say here that some of my best friends, yes including the half brained Ginger have been stuck on occasions but they tend to be stuck between floors in blocks of flats or in Ginger’s case in the down section of a drainpipe, no I don’t know why the clown crawled into a drainpipe backwards either! Although he says it was so he would be the right way round and therefore able to peep out of the drainpipe, which you have to admit has a strange kind of logic doesn’t it?

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The Resilience Of Donkeys

So here is a little story I came across that happily has nothing to do with palestine, pollution, politics or the pesky royals, although I have to say that the Donkey in the story looks a lot like most of the female members of the house of Windsor, especially fat Fergie’s brood, and the really ‘harrowingly beautiful’ princess Anne and below is a picture of the Donkey likeness in question.

Please remember when you look at the pictures that the Donkey is the animal in distress in the Well and the princess is the animal in de dress.

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So why was the princess in the dress? Well that is simple this was a royal official picture, sorry “portrait” taken about 90 years ago and still used today.

More interestingly the Donkey was in the Well because the poor animal fell in! Sadly that wasn’t the end of the Donkey’s trials and tribulations because the farmer decided that the Donkey and the Well were both surplus to his long term agricultural requirements (and in that the Donkey had a lot in common with the ‘fair’ princess and the rest of the royals), so he decided to fill in the Well and in doing so bury the Donkey alive.

Obviously that could be considered a little harsh but let’s face it farmers are, in the main, bastards and so this sort of behaviour is quite in character.

Well, the Donkey in the Well proved to be a credit to his stubborn and resilient race and as the farmer shovelled more and more earth into the Well (and of course over the Donkey) the Donkey just shook the earth off his back, sending the shovelfuls to the floor of the Well, then he stood on top of the earth that had fallen. And he kept doing that until he was able to climb out of the Well, kick the farmer and live a totally unfruitful life being too old to work and happily became a significant burden on the farmer, who couldn’t get rid of the Donkey because his time in the Well made him famous and modern society says that you mustn’t kill minor celebrities even on your own farm.

There is of course a moral for all of us here and that is to simply shake off everything that is thrown at us and then trample it under foot.

So The Cat says good on you Mr. Donkey! Sadly I don’t know his or indeed her name but if he or she were this Cat’s Donkey I would call him ‘Rex’ which I believe is a fine name and shouldn’t simply be confined for use on Dogs and Kings and should be used more often, especially on Donkeys.

Tomorrow I hope to bring you a great story about a Cat called Milly who is without a doubt a Cat after my own heart, till then dear reader Purrs and Noses.

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Sarah F Is At It Again

First of all here is a short statement from The Cat Corp., which was prepared earlier.

The Cat and his agents would like take this opportunity to state that any rumours that The Cat or The Cat Corp., has been in negotiations with Sarah F aka the Duchess of York to turn Buckingham Palace into an amusement attraction are totally false.

The Cat nor any of his representatives have had any contact with Sarah F aka The Duchess of York what so ever, indeed The Cat and his representatives would like to go further and state categorically that they have no interest in turning any ‘royal’ buildings, estates, palaces or second estates and palaces into amusement parks until the current sitting tenants have been evicted, which judging by the way that most of the ‘royals’ are conducting themselves won’t be long.

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So what is the reason for the announcement above well the prematurely wrinkled Sarah F aka The Duchess of York really has gone and done it now hasn’t she?

Sarah F who also uses the alias The Duchess of York has been caught red handed trying to extract 500,000 very big ones – we are talking pounds and not dollars and they are still worth more – out of a ‘Middle Eastern businessman.’

The dumpy Sarah F aka The Duchess of York promised this Indian businessman that she could arrange an introduction to her fat ex, who is known to the authorities as the Duke of York for 500,000 big ones. Once the introduction had been made the Indian businessman would then be able to reap the benefit of knowing a low person in a high placed position of trust. Some years ago the British Government who were at their wits end trying to find more things to do with all of the surplus ‘royals’ appointed him as a International Trade Ambassador.

Since then the chubby Duke has done very well doing all sorts of private deals with shadowy ex-soviets, he even managed to off load his house to one for nearly ten times what it was worth even though it had been up for sale for years before that deal.

The full figured Duke did very well especially as the ranch style bungalow was built and paid for by the Queen as a wedding present.

The problem with the deal that Sarah F aka the Duchess of York arranged with the Middle Eastern was that the Indian businessman was an undercover journalist and after a couple of meetings and the exchanging of 40,000 in sterling poor old, she doesn’t seem to have worn well, Duchess of York was filmed saying out loud in her awful thunderous voice that she could do the deal for cash etc.

I am pretty sure the sooner that bunch are shown the door the better.

As you know this Cat doesn’t really care for the English ‘royals’ and as they don’t keep Cats and seem devoted to shooting any furry animal that doesn’t bark I have a feeling they don’t care for me either but I had to admire the dreadful Duchess’s gall when she said to the Indian businessman.

“Do you understand that I absolutely have not a pot to piss in?” Then a bit later. “I left the royal family with friendship, no money. Diana left with 20 million. And that’s why the Queen is my friend because I never took a bean from them.”

Thanks to The Times of London for the quote above.

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Israel Snubs Both The King Of Qatar and Me In The Same Week

You know I know just how the poor old corpulent and caring King of Qatar must be feeling after his very generous (this Cat thought) offer of paying to rebuild all sorts of bits of Palestine that the Israelis knocked down and blew up recently was rejected by the Israeli Prime Minister, and that rejection was odd because at first he sounded interested in taking the money – quite naturally of course, free money these days is hard to come by isn’t it?

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Just think, if the Prime Minister had said “no thanks” to the American’s offer of paying for a missile shield, the average American tax payer, who quite rightly, has no interest in building a missile shield in that part of the Middle East would be just a little less financially hard pressed currently.

Actually I too have been trying to do my bit for peace in the world and recently spent a not inconsiderable amount of my ‘hard earned’ paying for translations of the Koran into Yiddish and the Torah into Arabic ready for the newly translated versions to be distributed to the warring fractions of the Middle East only to be told to shove them “somewhere dark!”

Forgive this simple Cat and the large and learned monarch of Qatar for believing that by being kind we could both show people that there is a better way other than violence. Not only that if the Israelis didn’t like what the money was spent on they could soon get rid of it couldn’t they with a few well placed as well as some disastrously place missiles aren’t they always blowing up something or someone in Palestine anyway?.

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Frankly I don’t get it do you? The chubby and jovial King of Qatar and The Cat offering Israelis something for nothing and they turn it down, I think it goes against the religion doesn’t it?

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I Might Have Just Been A Tiny Bit Wrong!

Please sit down and be prepared for a shock. It seems that I may have been just a tiny bit wrong about the flooding in the Czech republic yesterday and that is because the Czech republic is flooded, but not my bit of it, up here in the Eagles nest as it were.

So just to prove that no Cat is perfect here is a picture of the ‘devastation,’ I use the emphasis because I have yet to see any devastation personally and can’t find any photographs of the ‘event.’

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I did hear that there is a town up near the border with the old west that is cut off and they were evacuating people but really doesn’t anyone remember 2002 when the Metro in Prague was full of water and some areas were 20 feet under it, I have no sympathy with anyone who didn’t take that as a warning and move to higher ground like the place I live in there would really have to be a flood of Noah proportions to get water to lap at my threshold.

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Cat Got Your Tongue?

“Has the Cat got your tongue?” Is like all of those humans expressions about Cats it casts Cats in the role of villain and quite frankly not at all nice.

Why is it that Cats have such a bad reputation when it comes to old sayings or expressions? It is something I have puzzled about when sitting very comfortably and warmly on various human laps and knees recently as apparently the flood water in Central Europe gets deeper and Poland, Hungary and the Czech republic start to drown, but back to that later.

Honestly I have no idea why Cats have such a bad reputation and would be interested to hear from any reader why they think it is the case! Apart, of course, from the reader who asked me why I hadn’t written a blog for a few days and they, in turn, hadn’t had anything funny to read.

Well I replied to them that they really ought to read my book of course book which anyone can easily get here at Amazon.com as if you all need reminding tee hee, and I also let them into a bit of a secret and that is that everyone will soon be able to read my wonderful book on a Sony eReader because those nice people at Sony and this wonderful Cat are going to start ‘bundling’ my amazing ebook with their cute eReader so that you can all buy them as a set if you see what I mean – do contact me for details.

Still the note from my fan did make me think about the phrase “Has the Cat got your tongue?” though, and I thought that I would share those thoughts with you below.

1. What would a Cat do with your tongue or indeed anyone else’s tongue – make a tongue necklace? I hardly
think so!
2. Where would we keep all of the tongues we collect? We don’t have pockets you know, or if we do I have never found mine!
3. Old sayings are as mental as the people who use them.
3. Couldn’t really think of a third point.
3. I think I am a little confused with the numbering system here and anyway I am getting bored with this
list.
4. Dropped off for a while until I was woken up by someone standing up and me falling on my feet (of course).
5. Why do humans stand up unexpectedly when a warm Cat is comfortably asleep on their lap?
6. I may have lost my train of thought and veered off the subject I was thinking about!
7. What was the subject?
8. What am I doing here.
9. Does existentialism have any relevance to the modern feline.
10 My head hurts!

It is so unlikely that a Cat and this cat in particular would want to steal a human tongue that I had to commission an artist to show a Cat stealing a tongue.

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Artist’s impression of Cat lulling human to sleep before stealing tongue.

One last thing before I go off to find a lap and have a well deserved sleep. The weather here has been pretty terrible recently ‘but’ and it is a very big but just as the idea that Cat’s collect tongues is a myth so is the ‘fact’ reported by the BBC News that the Czech republic, Poland and Hungary are flooded – they aren’t I promise you, so please stop if you were reaching for the inflatable life raft catalogue and wondering if they deliver to Prague. Prague and the surrounding countryside is as dry as a bone, or it was a couple of days ago when I flew over it on my way back from Moscow – the Russian bless them are buying my book now.

Not only that currently I am looking out over Prague from the largest film studios in Europe on a hill above Prague where I can see for miles or kilometres as they say here and I can’t see a drop of water that isn’t in the place it should be ie., the Vltava river which flows, usually in an orderly fashion, through Prague and then down to Slovakia where it is given a new name and eventually ends up in the sea somewhere.

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Artist’s impression of BBC news imaginary flood water.

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Wonderful Royal News!

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Doctors report that today the recovering Duke of York was able to practice using a pair of scissors for almost half an hour.

“Few inside royal circles know about the troubles that the brave and very chubby Duke has endured recently,” said a Royal watcher who asked for anonymity just in case their friendship was every exposed.

Sadly it is the case that over the last few year the recovering Duke of York has bravely battled crippling near-bankruptcy but now with the help of his rich friends in oily Azerbaijan he is slowly recovering.

Today’s use of scissors has been described as a “landmark” and it is hoped that one day soon the recovering Duke of York will be able to earn an honest crust and pay his own bills.

However a Doctor treating the Duke said that day was a long way off and the plucky roly poly Duke may never be able to support himself financially because of his love of expensive things that he just can’t afford to buy.

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It Looks Like The Euro Has Had It!

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It struck me the other day that the Euro crisis (and the Banking crisis before) which is set to completely ruin everyone in Europe and probably bring the rest of the world down as well as one of the largest markets for stuff wakes up and finds that it is out on the street and can’t afford to buy anything, should have a sort of defining phrase.

Catch phrases and sound bites are all the rage after all and it seems a shame that the defining moment at the end of capitalism shouldn’t have a little catch phrase of its own.

So I decided to put the one of the finest minds of the 21st century on the case – what do you mean who? Me of course and I think I have nailed it in one, though of course I do invited my fans and readers to comment with their very own ‘corkers.’

Well here it is I think that politicians and bankers who have bankrupted us can be summed up in one simple phrase pinched (and of course adulterated) by The Cat from Winston Churchill no less:

“So much is owed by so few to so many.”

Tell you what I think I would invest in my the giveaway while any of us still have any cash and if you need to take your mind off the next crisis invest – or is that a bad word these days? – in my wonderful book which you can get hereAmazon.com as if you need reminding! And please don’t be selfish do ensure that your friends and loved ones and in some cases your spouses have a copy of my excellent book as well, it really is an antidote to misery and happily it doesn’t cost a lot.

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