All posts by The Cat

Happily I Am Wrong

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One of the books that I am writing in my trilogy of five books to follow the blockbusting “Getting Out – Excerpts from A Cat’s Diary” has a catchy working title which i plan to fight fang and claw to keep when I start to argue with the publisher and my agent and its title is “People I Really Hate.”

I have a Twitter list on the subject but that was only to annoy all of the idiots who call; themselves ‘Margaret Thatcher!’

Any way I discovered a new word the other day and I would like to share it with you because it is a lovely word I first thought that Poliphobe meant someone who hated parrots but rather delightely I discovered it means someone who hates everything!

Now you have to hand it to poliphobes all over the world because it must take some enormous dedication to actually hate everything, even I can’t pretend to be hate everything because, and I know it is a weakness I love Prawns or Shrimp as the lovely Americans call them, oh and of course I love Americans they are so err ‘cuddly.’

One last thing do you think poliphobes dislike ‘me?’ I can’t imagine that can you? No I thought not!

God Is Good – But Is That It?

I have a lot of interaction with the public, they write to me at my website Getting Out – Excerpts from A Cat’s Diary – Home and also to the TV shows I have been on and of course to my agent bless them.

Well I know that is my fault of course because I am a superstar and I know I will never learn, I just get more famous and more people interact with me.

Still that isn’t all that important, because today dear readers I want to talk to you about God.

Unfortunately I get a lot of people who write to me about him or should that be Him ‘he’ does always seem to get a capital letter at the beginning of his name, I should t know that because I copied Him.

Well I get idiots – oops sorry people writing nonsense like this from an otherwise nice lady the other day.”God is Good, praise him (she missed the capitalisation of His Him)on high.”

I wrote back “yes god is good but so are prawns, little children and comfortable beds it is just that God has a better marketing department,” and sadly she didn’t seem to be too impressed and made some unGodly comments!

It was a shame she go so mad because I was going to ask her about the “praise Him on high,” bit.

Was it an instruction to climb a hill, or is that why churches have tall towers? But she doesn’t speak to me any more, so much for Christian forgiveness and compassion.

Have a great day all of you!

Wow! Hello My Wonderful Fans How Are You?

It is crazy at the moment – but then it was me and not an assistant who signed up to be a superstar wasn’t it.

My agent the great Mr. T. A. Leibowitz, ‘call me Todd’ has just sent me a picture of my book advertised on the street in New York – are you impressed? I know I am, look at my bone structure, poise, elegance and stance, I am, I have to admit one extremely good-looking animal.

Then you have to add the facts that I am extraordinarily intelligent, absurdly rich and incredibly famous and you get someone who is a true star and so very special.

I have decided to help little Nicole Kidman regain her fame, she came to me in floods of tears earlier today, poor lamb, apparently the Los Angeles Times which as we all know is one of the biggest mouthpieces of Hollywood, reported that she, bless her little cotton socks, was no longer a star! Don’t you just love her and of course pity her!

Purrs,

The Cat

www.thecatsdiary.com

Sayings A Collection

I have started to collect ‘sayings’ you know the type of thing “a stitch in time saves nine!” Stitches I presume.

The other day I found myself saying one – “when the shoe is on the other foot – I always fall over!” I don’t know if I got it exactly right but that is the nice things about saying you can personalise them, can’t you?

It Is True A Cat Can Fly!

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Hello Everyone, guess who has been invited to an Oscar party little old me! No I couldn’t believe it either but come February 2010 me The Cat will be drinking Champagne and munching Caviar (the black stuff only please) and generally being a star.

So if you are off to the 82nd Oscars then it is just possible that we might brush fur coats but probably only mine will be real.

Here is a picture of the Oscars that I am going to win in the future.

Kippers

Does anyone else like Kippers? Actually maybe I should rephrase that, does any one else know what Kippers – answers on this blog please.

Next week I am travelling all the way from Prague to Northumberland just to get some. There is a little place in Caister a lovely town on the Northumberland coast just down the road from where they filmed Harry Potter and the Legend of the Dimwits or whatever it was called.

In this little restaurant you can eat them for breakfast, lunch and dinner and I intend to do just that they are so fresh and that is because they are caught off the coast, split and smoked next door – divine.

Then I will drop down to Newcastle and have some Stotties, Baked Beans and Sausages and remember my best friend who used to share his Stotties, Baked Beans and Sausages with me a while ago.

I love going to the north of England it is so much nicer than the south, especially London which is polluted, over crowded and smelly.

Winning Damages Against Google

I want to be like F1 driver Rubens Barrichello who won $500,000 against Google when they hosted fake online profiles of the Brazilian on Google’s social network Orkut.

So if you are in Brazil or anywhere else please get busy creating fake Cat profiles, obviously we can’t split the money I make but I am sure that you will just be pleased for me that I have had a nice little earner, frankly it couldn’t happen to a nicer Cat could it?