All posts by The Cat

Bonus Blog – Read Here Please!

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In response to one contributor I have added a special bonus blog today which is of course free of charge but if you feel ‘disposed’ after you have relieved yourselves you can send a donation to help keep this blog free?

Sorry I got confused with the free Wikipedia service for a moment and didn’t manage to comment on the word disposed did I?

It has always seemed to me that the word – ‘disposed’ that is – is not used nearly enough, we often hear the someone or the other is ‘indisposed,’ but rarely if ever that they are back up and running and are now ‘disposed’ to do whatever it is that we were all disappointed that they didn’t do in the first place.

Assuming you followed that last sentence then the next leap of logic is just a small very manageable one, here hold my paw and let’s jump together!

So if there is a word disposed STOP I checked there is! Then it is a little redundant and under used, and that is sad for a word it has to be said, yes the word has to be said and of course the comment has to be said as well, it is sad for a word to be so neglected.

In my role as self appointed “Shepherd of the English Language” I feel that it is my duty to herd words like ‘disposed’ back into general use and I am sure that you will agree I am doing a pretty good job with the word ‘disposed’ aren’t I?

The trouble with ‘disposed’ I think is that when you hear that someone is ‘indisposed’ it sort of suggests that they have a lot of troubles doesn’t it?

Ok I usually think that someone who is ‘indisposed’ is stuck in the loo and is not able to complete the task that they went in there for, if you see what I mean and using the most polite way to describe what they went into the loo for without saying that they went off for a poo and couldn’t! Oops!

So if we generally agree on what ‘indisposed’ means or what it suggests to us simple folk then imagine if we were to hear that the Queen, a Film Star or a Politician (have fun and insert a name here) was ‘disposed’ we would for, hopefully, a very brief moment imagine them sighing with relief as, how can I put this, “things happened!”

Not a pretty sight in the mind’s eye is it, but then I have to insist that it is not the fault of the word ‘disposed’ that we think like that is it, it is of course because of our over active imagination and of course the knowledge that ‘poo’ jokes work on every level!

Anyway I am glad we cleared that up, the real point of the bonus blog, yes this one, is that I mentioned that it was Snowing and ‘V’ cold here metrically and um-di-dum-dit-itly (what is the opposite of metric I don’t know)!

Anyway some kind reader the type I like who has bought, read and enjoyed my blockbusting book “Getting Out Excerpts From A Cat’s Diary” written by this good looking Cat I have to confess and available here Amazon.com asked me to describe what it was like outside in the snow and frost at home in snowy Tunbridge Wells and so because I always do what my faithful readers suggest, blindly and stupidly as it turned out!

Earlier today I went outside into a very white world, I did a better job of Capt’n Scott of Antartic fame in getting to my objective across the ice and snow, in my case my objective was the top of the drive and the very peaceful and deserted road.

When I got to the top of the drive I looked out over the landscape it was very white, soft, curvy and clean, like a 1940’s B Moviestar’s bum. Carefully I felt the ice beneath my paws and was just about to lick the snow, as instructed once again, when I slipped and fell over.

As I slid down the footpath I bumped into Mrs. Plasticmac who you may have heard of if you have bought my book, she is the Cat rescuing cretin from across the road and down a bit, she slipped and joined me on the ground and we both slid down the hill like a mis-matched Winter Olympic Bobsleigh team that had turned over on the first bend and were still hurtling down the course because we were trapped inside and far too incompetent to do anything about our situation.

It was as always just my luck to see out of the corner of my eye a massive snow plow heading up from the direction of the Chief Constable’s house.

The snow plow was upside down which I thought was a little odd, but then I realised that it wasn’t upside down at all and worse we Mrs. Plasticmac and I were going to be snow blown any second now.

This was a first for me as it happened and of course after it happened I was too dizzy to ask if Mrs. Plasticmac had ever been blown in the snow before? But then as she was in shock she probably wasn’t in any fit state to comment, talk or indeed stop making odd squeaking noises and dribbling.

Me! Oh I was ok, thanks for asking! As the lighter of the two objects ‘blown’ by the snow plow’s blower I somehow got caught up in Mrs. Plasticmac’s sensible tweed skirt and (unfortunately) thermal underwear and so I missed most of the nastier bits of the snow blowing experience, although until I crawled out of Mrs. Plasticmac’s under things I thought I had gone blind because it was so dark in there!

Still I slipped out easily enough, hopped onto the branch of a tree and carefully climbed down from the roof back to the safety of the ground and into the warm arms of a nice friendly neighbour.

Mrs. Plasticmac had, I thought decided to take the opportunity of clinging to a neighbour’s chimney to take in the view out across the snow covered fields and woodland and I had to admire her, it was jolly cold up there and as a wind had got up and it was beginning to snow heavily rather game of her I thought!

As usual the Firemen were wonderful and in a jiffy, well three hours, is not a jiffy I know, but there was a blizzard to contend with of course they started the ‘recovery’ operation. And what a very complicated operation it was to recover Mrs. Plasticmac.

The Firemen used a blowtorch to melt the bits of Mrs. Plasticmac’s clothing that had become completely frozen to the chimney and after quite a while, I have to say, they managed to get her down.

You know I was happy for Mrs. Plasticmac in two ways, that was the second time she had been blown in a day, which probably for her was something of a record, and of course she would have something interesting to talk about at coffee mornings now, well after she leaves hospital of course.

Isn’t it funny there is always a bright side to everything you just sometimes have to really root around to find it don’t you?

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After The Latest Big Announcement Here Is Mine

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First of all this good looking Cat would like to thank each and everyone of you for coming to Cat World Headquarters, we promise it will be worth it and not at all like yesterday’s damp squib of an announcement from good old Google who could only manage to produce out of the hat a copy of Apple’s iPhone called oddly in my view “Nexus One,” I am I have to say looking forward to the Nokia law suits there too.

That is the problem with hype of course it can only last so long can’t it Google and then afterwards you have to stand in the spotlight with your rather limp contribution to humanity.

Anyway where were we? Yes our announcement, well that is what a press conference is for isn’t it to tell all of you Cat fans something, something wonderful, something terrific, something so marvellous that it is going to change your lives for ever.

And when we here at cat World have discovered exactly what that is we will of course be having another press conference, this one of course was just to let you know that we like Google are working on something marvellous and when it is ready we will deliver it on time.

Unlike Google we can’t promise that whatever the wonderful thing is that we eventually launch will be free, but then they didn’t deliver that did they? Fancy promising that calls on mobiles would be paid for by advertising and then not delivering tisk tisk Google, however like Google we promise that what we deliver will be powerful, relevant and … well just too wonderful for words, which I think you will agree is a good place to stop!

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Can You Imagine?

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I heard today that there are several rivers in Europe that are frozen over because it is so cold, here if you are interested (in Prague where am currently) it is minus nine degrees C! Now I have no idea what that is in good old fashioned English degrees of cold, but I imagine that it could quite easily be described as “bloody cold” and very close to “Brass Monkeys” – ask me to explain the latter low temperature terminology at your peril har ha.

Anyway one could rightly describe Europe and, I believe, all sorts of other places where my wonderful book “Getting Out Excerpts From A Cat’s Diary” (still available at Amazon.com) is actually even more popular like the sublime US of A as icy.

So what is happening? Global Warming? Mmh me thinks not, correct me if I am wrong but doesn’t the title “Global Warming” tend to sort of suggest that we all should be clip clopping around in Hawaiian shirts, shorts and flip flops, well the humans anyway, flip flops just don’t suit me.

Oh I pray that the idiots like Bono and Al the Gore who have been going around getting fat telling us just how bad we are and how dreadful the planet is going to be because we didn’t clean the corners of our bedrooms properly, are wrong!

Sadly I don’t suppose they are and of course all the time they fly around the world telling us that we are all going to fry, they are proving themselves right, because they are adding to the pollution that they jabber on about so much. Its just that they are so… so… aren’t they, gosh even the Pope isn’t as holy as Bono is he?

Mmh now where is the point of this blog, what have I done with it, oh look there it is nice and safe.

So the frozen rivers huh? By the way -9C is around -16F or in other words very chilly and that is the beginning (again) of my point, it is cold, some say – well the BBC News and you believe what they say at your peril I know – the coldest winter on record and the records go back to around the 16th Century here in Pres Bush’s Old Europe.

If that is the case then just imagine this! The River Thames (in London for those who are geographically challenged) used to freeze over most years from the middle (sort of) of the 14th century until and get this, because it was news to me until I started to get interested in frost, (and don’t you say anything about having too much time on ones paws will you?) until the 19th Century and in fact that was the sort of ‘norm’ for most European cities.

Most European Cities had “Frost Fairs” well the ones with rivers of course had “Frost Fairs” and isn’t it nice to see that they liked a little bit of understatement – frost fairs I ask you!

Of course Bono and Al the Gore would be going around saying what we need is to to get all of the governments of the world together to spend vast fortunes inventing chemicals that would create a sort of umbrella to keep the heat in and they would probably come up with a great name for the effect of course and make a movie about it and ramble on about their ideas for a Greenhouse effect at every opportunity they could find.

Would you believe that in 1683 the ice on the River Thames was 11 inches or 28 cms thick in the middle of London and the North Sea froze for several miles out to sea unbelievably and the ‘great minds’ of the time happily kept their mouth’s shut.

And it was actually mild in London in 1683, in Frome in Somerset the ground was frozen to a depth of four feet and that says chilly more than anything you could think of doesn’t it?

So who thinks that we are in for what they called the “Little Ice Age” from the 14th century to the 19th century, well no one in their right mind of course and that is because the weather bless it is so unpredictable, can someone mention that to Bono and Al the Gore before they get us to worry ourselves to death.

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A Word About Porridge Or Oatmeal

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Did you know that it is Porridge time? I personally am making several gallons at the moment which I did planned to make a coat out of for myself and stay worm because I was told that Porridge kept you warm. But apparently that is not the way to stay warm using Porridge.

You eat it! Apparently! So I have cooked up a batch, it takes several days in the microwave but happily it doesn’t leave a dirty saucepan afterwards.

I cooked and cooked the stuff because i wanted to get to a very cream consistency and had to wait for the starch in the Oats to burst, when this happens Porridge takes on a whole new taste which is very creamy and will compliment the pints of cream that it will be mixed with.

The reason for the big batch is that you can keep Porridge in the fridge for several days and as it is a pain in the “ahem!” to make it is a great idea to make loads.

Did you know that if you suffer from eczema you can help it by putting a couple of handfuls of Porridge in a muslin bag and hang it under the stream of hot water that you run when you have a bath. The water is cloudy and something in it and the Porridge helps to cure eczema.

I have no idea whether bathing in Porridge makes you good to eat though, if you are grown ups you will have to try that one at home.

Happy New One!

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I Have Arrived!

Is it true to say that you have a arrived when the level of spam on your blog reaches 20 a day? If so then I have arrived!This good looking Cat is getting at least 20 spam comments a day these days which is ok but…

Why do people spam blogs can anyone tell me, what on earth is the purpose and what can be gained. You spammers out there should know that your websites that offer increase is size, reduction in fat and an answer to all of my financial problems don’t get any publicity on my blog if you spam it, I just gather you all up in a big fat smelly messy bundle and delete your stupid messages.

It all seems like such a waste of time doesn’t it.

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I Had A Scare Over Christmas

As the headline says I had something of a scare over Christmas! Aren’t headlines good! They are a great way of scanning a page and discovering if you can be bothered to read an article, obviously that comment refers to everyone else’s headlines in print and on the www – wobbly wide web and not to my blog which is always wonderful, so I have been told.

So on to the subject of the headlines. The humans here like movies and they settled down to watch “JFK” a movie about – well “JFK,” and if you have been living in a cave since the ’50’s or are indeed disgustingly young you may need to know here that “JFK” was the brand name for a US President called John F Kennedy, who was sadly assassinated before he really got into his Presidential stride and since then there have been all sorts of theories, most of them conspiracy ones, concerning how and why, what and wherefore, you know the drill.

Anyway the movie was much more than just a little dull and I drifted off to sleep, well a good looking Cat needs sleep! I woke up later in the middle of another movie, though at the time I didn’t know that it was another movie and could have sworn that I had discovered exactly what happened to JFK after the assassination attempt, he had given up politics and gone ‘native’ in a picture called “Dances with Wolves.”

You see movies sometimes confuse me, the main character in the movie “JFK” wasn’t “JFK” he was someone else, in fact all “JFK” did in his own movie was get shot, again something which must have been very depressing indeed, no wonder he gave up politics and a, it has to be said, not very promising acting career I thought!

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Unfortunately I occasionally can’t work out which movies are factual, ‘biopics,”fact-ion’ and which are just complete nonsense.

As it turned out incredibly both of the movies I mainly slept through were based on fact (where possible) and if I had watched the end of one and the beginning of the other I might have been better informed, though of course the idea of JFK kicking back for a while and enjoying life is nice.

Actually I believe the poor devil did get the opportunity to do just that! Have you seen the picture of ‘him’ on the yacht with the naked ladies frolicking – oh I know I shouldn’t gossip, but it is fun isn’t it?

Lastly I enjoyed the “Dances with Wolves,” the Wolves reminded me of my Dog a little though like him, the Wolves in the film didn’t actually dance, unless I missed that bit at the beginning and when I tried to speak to someone at the movie studio MGM to find out where they shot the Wolves dancing they said that it wasn’t the studios policy to shoot Wolves, I hung up confused!

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01 01 2010

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So it is only 01 01 2010 that isn’t very impressive is it? Just wait until it is 20 10 2010 now that will be interesting, but frankly I don’t know why!

If you would like to know I have recovered from the noise of the fireworks that you humans let off last night and am now ready for breakfast, I presume it will be something special. Smoked Haddock would be nice and please let’s have it dyed if possible, dyed Smoked Haddock is more authentic don’t you think, if you are eating “yellow fish” then it should be “yellow” shouldn’t it?

Have a good 2010!

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If I See Another Mince Pie!

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Hello all of you lovely humans, I trust your Christmas was good, mine was but I tell you what if I see another Mince pie I think I shall spontaneously vomit and explode, aren’t they nice?

Of course they are, especially if you have made them at home, well when I said made them at home – I don’t mean by my own fair paw, does that go without saying? But I did watch some clowns make them, and then leave them to cool on the kitchen work surface, need I say more burp!

It is apparently the best thing to do, make your own Mince pies that is, “so much better than the ones from the shops because they are too sweet” I overheard, I also overheard the inhuman cries when the humans here discovered that their, now cool, Mince pies had been eaten.

Yes I think I broke some sort of record and managed to eat all of the Mince pies in the kitchen, I have to say I really don’t fancy any more for a long while, hang on what’s this?

I have to go, I have to go I have just heard someone ask “Turkey sandwiches anyone?”

Oh before I go, happy middle bit of no mans’ land between the Christmas celebrations and the New Year!

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It’s Been Snowing! Have You Noticed?

Hello all my cuddly friends. I would have been blogging earlier but I was one of those hundreds, (oh how I want to add thousands to the hundreds there just for effect) who were abandoned, ignored and uncared for by EuroStar recently when the train I was whizzing from Paris to London on stopped whizzing.

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Alarmingly the lights went out and people started to wonder “wtf” as I believe they say these days.

Well the ‘f’ was that we were stranded, abandoned and… well you get the picture, or you would have got a good quality picture if I had been packing a Camera but my trip to Paris was light, and I just had my iphone so the picture is not very good at all.

Actually I always travel to Paris ‘light’ because there are just so many pickpockets there, but adding that helpful piece of travel information is drifting away from the point and the drama of this little blog.

Is a little blog a blogette by the way? Mmmh, who knows!

Anyway there we were at first in a situation that would have made a passable comedy, and they when my iphone died the situation became dire, everyone knows that you can’t be disconnected from your mobile phone even for a second, the world may collapse and there would be no way of emailing the pictures of it happening, as it happens, which of course was exactly what my fellow travellers, or should I call them waiters, were doing as well as waiting for the train to start chugging again, which it didn’t!

As the hours slipped away and stiff upper lipped English people got tired of slapping the faces of whimpering Gallic ones while shouting “get a hold of yourself,” and “panicking won’t help, you know!” And they eventually began to panic too, I have to say this good looking Cat fell asleep and woke up rescued, which was very nice, some one had thought to bring hot Tomato Soup and Corned Beef Sandwiches and there was a spirit of the blitz about the EuroStar coach, although I have to say that was coming mainly from the EuroStar staff who were being shouted at a lot.

It was only later that I discovered the horrible truth of the depths to which some humans has stooped and then actually gone lower, just for the hell of it.

The scene apparently was like something from a co-educational ‘Lord of the Flies’ with human sacrifices and cannibalism, honestly you humans are odd, if you were hungry you should have popped down to the buffet car surely.

All in all my frozen experience was different to everyone else’s who were on the stranded EuroStar train, I wonder if that is because I don’t automatically expect to receive vast sums of the folding stuff in compensation, surely not!

Anyway here’s a Happy Christmas to one and all! Yes I did watch the Muppet’s Christmas Carol last night!

It really is up there with the best, I can see why Charlie Dickens wrote it especially for the Muppets they play it with a lot of feeling and understanding and I also have to say that Charlie Dickens screenplays are so much better than his novels which are really a bit dull but, and it is a big ‘but,’ you have to listen to the words of the songs he wrote specifically for this movie they are just sublime.

“Just one more slept till Christmmmmas”

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My Thoughts On Rendition!

If you want my honest opinion regarding extraordinary rendition, I think I would prefer an extraordinary one than just the norm! Wouldn’t you?

This is an extract from my latest book “Thoughts from a Good Looking Cat!”

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Have I wished all of my lovely cuddly readers of my book, blog and my ‘www‘- wickedly, wonderful website a very Happy Christmas and more money in your pockets in the New Year? I hope so, I forget things sometimes. But I rarely forget to mention that you can still get my book at Amazon.com in time for Christmas and you really should you know, it would make me very happy and of course reading it will make you sublimely happy I promise. (Insert winning smile here).

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