All posts by The Cat

Snow Here Too – But Cruel Snow

Much as I don’t want to wobble on about snow because I know that most of Europe has the stuff and the skies across the world are filling up with the more so that it can be dumped on us all over night. But I did want to just quickly mention the snow here and that is because it is cruel snow!

Why is it ‘cruel snow’ I hear you ask? Well take a look at this photograph of some poor pensioners who were caught in the snow this morning while waiting for a bus into Prague, poor things they were going on a grumbling and barging tour of the shops.

Happily by the time I went out to take the (probably award winning) picture the sun had come out and the sky was blue, it was chilly though and I got cold paws.

Honestly I don’t know what they are going to do with the poor frozen pensioners but I have noticed some really rubbish ‘installation art’ here and there in Prague and so they could use the frozen pensioners as that? It’s just an idea of course. Not much of a way to spend Christmas though is it!

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What The Dickens?

After seeing that someone had managed to sell a Toothpick that belonged to old Charlie Dickens of Christmas Carol fame (not the Muppet version I hasten to add) recently for $9,000, it started me thinking about what mementoes my true fans would buy from me.

Just think, Charlie Dickens is dead! And that Toothpick which someone bought had been used by him to pick his teeth with, though of course he would have done that when he was alive! I am not suggesting anything really awful here, just that the Toothpick had been dragged in between his yellowing molars rather often, oh wait a minute The Cat has to puke.

Sorry about that, where was I oh yes Charlies’ Toothpick ‘the bargain of the year.’ Well I have decided to take a leaf out of Charlies’ book, though not literally or even literary if you see what I mean! I think I do, even if no one else does! I have decided to sell some of my own treasured possessions.

So now you lucky fans you can choose from the following new or nearly new treasured possessions:-

My Flea Collar (used and modelled by the ‘lovely’ Larry).

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My Scratching Post (modelled by good old athletic Ginger).

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My ‘downstairs’ Litter Tray (emptied, I think).

A Cat Collar with an elastic gusset which is supposed to help a Cat, in some way or the other, if it is dangling after being caught by a branch whilst the aforementioned Cat is tree climbing. But I have to say all it ever did for me was to make me bounce up and down as I dangled.

Author’s Note:

The Cat Collar is not modelled, in the picture below, by Roger, who simply bet me I wouldn’t include this picture of him!

The boy is a fool, now who looks like a complete buffoon and not only in this picture, Roger?

Incidentally I do apologise about the poor quality of the picture but Roger hit me on the head with the camera, though I don’t know why maybe I am losing my memory!

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And finally of course my Cat nip flavoured mouse collection including poor Terry the small and very smelly Ginger Cat nip mouse. Sadly none of the other Cat nip mice will have anything to do with Ginger! It breaks your heart doesn’t it?

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All of which, judging by the amount of money some fool paid for a used Toothpick, should raise a fortune, the bigger the better I say!

It almost goes without saying that the cash generate from the sale will come in handy. Christmas time is such an expensive time isn’t it? Buying presents empties the bank account almost as fast as a – well I was going to say bad banker – but frankly they all are bad aren’t they? If they weren’t bad we wouldn’t be in the deep doo doo we are in, would we?

Actually if you buy my wonderful book as a present for people who you really, really like and who deserve something really very special this Christmas then you won’t spend a fortune I promise.

The best place to get my amazing book is here of course Amazon.com and when you get it at Amazon.com you will have it delivered a long while before Christmas and that will save you trolling about in the shops fighting others for it and then having to carrying it home.

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Christmas Present List

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Hello to all of my wonderfully good looking readers from your humble servant The Cat.

I was so very pleased and frankly incredibly touched to hear that you wanted to know what I would like for Christmas. Of course I know that the question is one that is asked of a lot of very famous people and quite rightly we are a very important bunch with mostly fascinating opinions.

Looking down the list of people who have already filled in what they most desire for Christmas was a humbling experience I can tell you and before I let you in on my entry I thought I would share with you some of the hopes and aspirations of some very famous people indeed.

Most of the Politicians at the Copenhagen Climate Conference – want a cleaner, fairer, safer world.

President Obama – wants world peace. Presumably to match his Nobel Prize.

President Putin – wants to reduce nuclear arms.

President Sarkozy – wants to end hunger.

Nelson Mandela – wants to end injustice.

The Pope – wants stop premature infant death.

Elton John – wants more to be done to fight HIV/Aids

Mohammed Ali – wants more understanding between different races.

Prince William of England – wants a nice shiny Aston Martin like his Dad’s!

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It makes you proud that we have such altruistic celebrities and elected representatives. Not one of the ones who have earned their status were as selfish as they are often made out to be.

All of which brings me onto what I would like for Christmas.

The Cat – wants an end to hunting, shooting and fishing for amusement.

I do wish my readers a very Cool Yule and a Happy Christmas and remember if you need any present ideas you still have time to buy my book from Amazon.com it really is very good and that is because I am an inordinately good looking and talented Cat.

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Who Is Responsible For This Outrage?

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Do you know what? I love being outraged! Don’t you? There is nothing quite like a good rant at someone’s expense and of course it makes a nice change for me to do a bit of ranting rather than be ranted at.

Normally, for some reason that I haven’t ever quite fathomed out, people and of course I mean humans here, like to rant about the things I do, such as a little al fresco pooing behind the TV.

I don’t know about you but I get really bored digging in a litter tray four or five times a day and so once in a while I like to ‘go’ elsewhere, what’s wrong with that I ask you? Nothing of course! The humans tend not to agree though, bless them, and get just a little annoyed with me, then they do a bit of ranting after I slope off behind the TV.

Now it is my turn to rant! As you can see from the picture above some Cats, for reasons best known to themselves, do a bit of ad hoc jumping, probably I think to entertain humans. I say if that is what they like to do then why not, it doesn’t hurt anybody does it.

Actually I have to stress at this point that I never jump in public – Cats are supposed to be laid back – it would ruin our image.

But recently I have seen the results of Cats demonstrating their jumping skills to humans just look at the picture below.

The picture was sent to me from a “well wisher” and I have to say that it is just about the most awful thing I have ever seen. How can a sane human do this to an innocent Cat? No, I don’t know either. This sort of behaviour isn’t nice and it isn’t natural is it?

Maybe the Cat in the picture was bad, if so what on earth did he or she do that was so terrible that he or she had to be tortured in such a way as this?

Even the good Catholics in the Spanish Inquisition didn’t behave like this, or was that because aeroplanes hadn’t been invented?

Please if you know of anyone who had a Cat drop on their head recently can you get in touch with me and we will see if we can find a better home for this poor individual I think the Cat needs it don’t you.

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So to any Cats reading my blog and I know a lot of you do, let the above picture be a cautionary illustration and the story of that sad, frightened and tortured Cat be a lesson to you. When you think about jumping for the entertainment of some human or other thing again, think where it might lead.

I don’t know about you by dangling by a few strings 10 inches above the ground is a bad idea as far as I am concerned let alone several thousand feet attached to some homicidal (or is that Felinicidal) human who really and truly should either know better or be locked up immediately.

Lastly this thought just struck me when I was writing about Catholics, is or are Catholics anything to do with Cat Alcoholics? The words are so similar that it makes you wonder doesn’t it?

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A Happy Holiday For All

Sadly a large number of my blogs have been described as frivolous and I would like to do something about that and talk today about something that is a very serious problem facing almost every nation in the world.

The recent financial crisis. There are three or four truths about the recent financial crisis.

Yes it has been terrible!

No it wasn’t expected.

Yes banks including the federal reserve banks of most countries were responsible for the terrible event and no they weren’t punished they seem in fact to have been rewarded.

So those are the truths about the recent financial crisis but there is one more which it seems has gone un-noticed at the moment and that is that we together, us bods in the street, can get ourselves our of the mire and general doggie do do that the banks got us into.

The way that us ordinary bods in the street can do this is by spending money this Christmas cleverly and allowing money to flow again into and through the world’s financial systems and a wonderful way to do that would be to buy a copy of my book at Amazon.com and if you want to ensure that it is a work of absolutely pure genius then you can get a sneak peek here at my ‘www‘- wickedly, wonderful website.

If you buy my book at Amazon.com then not only will you be assured of getting it delivered before Christmas you will be helping to kick start the economy, for that you should be rewarded, and you will be, with a great read.

This wish that you buy my book is the first of many Happy Holiday Wishes from me to you, which may or may not be centred around you purchasing my latest masterpiece, written by a really good looking Cat!

I do wish you all a Happy Holiday.

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Being Famous!

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Being famous does have a downside as I found out only yesterday when I was minding my own business walking along the street behind my troupe of flunkies who were handing out signed photographs of a superstar and literary sensation namely me! A little trick I have picked up from some rap artists who might not have much in the way of talent but are great at PR but sadly are held back under the weight of their gold chains.

Some woman crashed through security, who was chatting up some teen, and is going to be ‘talked’ to later and accosted me! Now this is not the first time I have been accosted I have been accosted before and rather enjoyed it but I have a feeling that was light accosting and nothing like yesterday’s dose.

Superstars like me are used to a little light accosting, I understand George Clooney goes out of his way to be accosted and poor little Jennifer Aniston would just love it if someone would even look as though they were going to accost her in the street but sadly no takers.

But few superstars get really accosted in the streets these days so I suppose that what the woman did was a bit of a compliment really, though even now I can’t quite understand what she was on about but then I think that she had forgotten her medication, if you know what I mean!

She grabbed my fur coat and said, “You should leave that poor mouse Jerry alone!” then she ran off after giving my arm another shake or two and refusing a signed picture of me, still doesn’t make any sense to me.

If anyone speaks mad and can translate for me that would be wonderful, if I write a new diary I will definitely include her in it, the world, though not short of looneys does need them.

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Tiger Woods, The Cat Rolls Up His Sleeves and Dives In

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Mixing metaphors is like mixing drinks, it can produce an intemperate tirade of nonsense, similar to the intoxicatingly dumb and boring stories that currently beset poor, only in the sad stakes, Tiger Woods.

Now I have to say that of course I really have difficulty stirring myself to defend an idiot, and as the once mighty Tiger has admitted in so many words he was an idiot, but as a Feline I feel it is my duty to defend a Tiger, no matter how faded and tarnished this idiot’s image may be.

So after talking on the phone to my people who talked to the Tiger’s people who shared some black coffee with the Tiger, here is a short statement that both sides have agreed upon.

“Tiger Woods is not such a bad person you know and is was only practising at the 19th hole!”

As Eight-time Grand Slam winner Andre Agassi said when he awoke recently, don’t be so cruel to the Tiger and don’t judge him too harshly. “It’s irresponsible to jump to conclusions on Tiger Woods without the full facts after recent claims about the golfer’s private life…” Then he dropped off to sleep again.

Just remember that incredibly rich people have a right to let off steam once in a while and better still have, if they are sensible, a large number of PR people who can ensure usually that the ‘facts’ are never ‘full’ by any means.

So quite frankly my advice to the tarnished Tiger is to get better PR people. Frankly I would have thought that a small car crash in possibly an alcoholic haze, while possibly beating your wife with a five iron can be smoothed over rather easily if you have the right PR people, just ask the Kennedy clan!

Finally I have to say that as of this moment in time there is not going to be any announcement regarding the replacement of the Tiger with The Cat on the side of some bottles of Gatorade. Frankly just like the disgraced Tiger, The Cat would only drink that rubbish on camera and for large amounts of the folding stuff, but a Kitty has got to live! So watch this space.

However here at The Cat HQ (a sober and clean place where no wife beating has ever taken place) we were sent the picture below by an anonymous advertising agency, who simple asked The Cat for his opinion on some new artwork.

As of this moment that is all we can say on the subject of the new and improved Gatorade which, never fear, will be on the shelves for the Holiday Season.

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Sayings In The English And American Languages

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Ok so the title is a little wrong and I know that I will get dozens of letters from the same person in Australia complaining that I forgot to mention Canadian, Australian and New Zealand English, but if I did that then I would have to mention all of the countries who use English as an official language and to my reckoning that is 83 other countries where English is either the official language or is widely spoken.

If you are interested here and I know that Mr. Snoggins of Toowoomba Queensland Australia will be the 83 countries in question are:-

Antigua and Barbuda
The Bahamas
Barbados
Belize
Botswana
Cameroon
Canada
Dominica
Fiji
The Gambia
Ghana
Grenada
Guyana
India
Ireland
Jamaica
Kenya
Kiribati
Lesotho
Liberia
Madagascar
Malawi
Malta
Marshall Islands
Mauritius
Micronesia
Namibia
Nauru
New Zealand
Nigeria
Pakistan
Palau
Papua New Guinea
Philippines
Rwanda
Saint Kitts and Nevis
Saint Lucia
Saint Vincent and the Grenadines
Samoa
Seychelles
Scotland
Sierra Leone
Singapore
Solomon Islands
South Africa
Sudan
Swaziland
Tanzania
Tonga
Trinidad and Tobago
Tuvalu
Uganda
United States of America
Vanuatu
Wales
Zambia
Zimbabwe
American Samoa
Anguilla
Bermuda
British Virgin Islands
Cayman Islands
Christmas Island
Cook Islands
Falkland Islands
Gibraltar
Guam
Guernsey
Hong Kong
Isle of Man
Jersey
Montserrat
Netherlands Antilles
Niue
Norfolk Island
Northern Mariana Islands
Pitcairn Islands
Puerto Rico
Saint Helena
Tristan da Cunha)
Tokelau
Turks and Caicos Islands
U.S. Virgin Islands

Oh look at that I have mentioned all of them after all oops! Anyway I hope that the information above is not only useful but also pacifies Mr. Snoggings and I can get on with the point of this blog which may eventually actually have something to do with the title – what fun!

As a best selling and world renown author (you have bought my latest book haven’t you?) I tend to use the English language rather often and that, I am afraid is only because the Cat language has about as much chance as being used universally as Welsh.

During my time up to my elbows in the good old English language, which I have to say I really rather do adore, I have unearthed some odd phrases and sayings and from time to time I thought it would be a nice idea to drop one or two from a great height into my blog.

Then at the same time play with other sayings and then lastly create one or two of my own which you have my permission to use as long as I get a credit in the reference.

Ok so do you like the idea of this game? I thought that you would, well those that understand what I have written so far probably do, the others I see have wondered off, bless them.

So where shall we start, well Julie Andrews said that “we should start at the very beginning,” which frankly Julie is a little obvious isn’t?

Anyway here is one little saying that I have just thought of and you can adopt for your very own and when you use it, it will show just how clever you are.

In response to someone asking you something that you don’t know the answer to you say, “I haven’t the bloggiest!”

Mmmh maybe it seemed funnier in my head than on paper – much like the unfortunate Ricky Gervais’s recent work – for those of you who have been under a rock for a number of years Ricky Gervais cowrote “The Office” which was funny on one side of the Atlantic at least!

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Then sadly Ricky lost his ability to be funny. In fact I am thinking of setting up a fund to see if we can raise enough cash to see if we can get a new sense of humour grafted onto poor Ricky I have already spoken to surgeons and they say that it can be done, it won’t be cheap but they might just be able to save him.

Still this isn’t doing what we set out to do and that is to discuss English sayings and phrases, so unless you have lost the will to live by now here are two with Cat additives.

In response to someone telling you to “have a great day!” You can now reply. “Don’t worry about me I always have a great day – I think that they put something in my water your know!”

It is delightfully off putting and in a gentle way that isn’t too offensive.

The second and last saying, yes I have things to do and a life to lead too you know, is meant for times when you are thinking about people less fortunate than yourself, in my case that, at the moment, is when I am thinking about poor Ricky Gervais or Prince, (that is Prince of the ‘Charles’ variety rather than the small transexual one) and I am wondering just what it would be like to be ‘them!’

“When the shoe is on the other foot – I always fall over!”

But then as you can see from the picture there are some consolations for being prince, the small transgender one got to squeeze Sheena Easton not in uniform and the Prince of the Charles variety gets to be the judge of the Welsh Guard’s breast enlargement contest, open to Guardsmen and Guardswomen of course.

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What Worries Me!

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There are a number of things worrying me at the moment and the main one of those irksome little worries is that I am about to go to the states to have a chat with some Hollywood types about turning me in to an animated cartoon.

No don’t worry it isn’t the fact that I will be turned into an animated cartoon that worries me, I know that they will draw me rather than use some sort of machine to ‘process’ me, I am not that dumb thanks.

Although having said I am not that worried about becoming an animated cartoon character however the bods in H/wood are always a little vague on exactly when they will actually make the movie and of course that applies to everyone who has written a blockbusting work of genius such as my book “Getting Out Excerpts From A Cat’s Diary.”

Even if the H/wood guys buy the rights to a book they do seem to drag their brogues when if comes to actually making the movie – just ask Terry Pratchett about that sort of thing and listen to him go on about that b***dy Spielberg fella and how he has had the rights to three of his books for nearly a decade and done sod all.

Of course the reason why H/wood producers and Spielberg types buy the rights to a best selling work of genius like my book or indeed any best selling book by lesser authors than yours truly is so that other H/wood types can’t have them – hence the trip, there are no flies on this Pussy I can tell you.

And don’t worry, I am not worried about the fact that I may end up with an American at worst, or a Transatlantic accent at best in the movie I can live with that is the pay day is good.

So this is what I am worried about!

They tell you when you are going through American Immigration these days not to be funny, and I am naturally funny, I can’t help it I am just like that as you know, and it gets worse, they ask you what you do for a living don’t they? And all I can say to that is either, “I am a Cat or I am funny,” either way I think that I am going to end up behind a bar and I don’t mean one where Sam might just play it again!

So dear readers you have to help me, please give this poor funny Cat a few suggestions, mentor him, advise him, if you want to see him on the silver screen.

If you do of course you will be able to say, “I helped his career you know!” Well it might be truer to say “I got the idiot through American Immigration,” then someone will ask “how did you do that?”

And you’ll answer proudly. “I lent him my personality, I wish he would give it back!”

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Two Innocent Articles And Then…. A Warning!

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I didn’t realise that when I started to support The Queen’s stand against the dreadful incursions of the paparazzi that I would have started to prise the lid off a can, full to the brim, of worms.

Ok, so I have been mentioning the UK Royal’s love of shooting small furry animals such as myself, though wilder, (and I have to say wouldn’t you be wild if you were being shot at?) and now I have had something of a warning through a third party from the United States.

This came in the mail today:

You have finally done it my friend I think. Here in the States we have the men in black who handle upstarts and the like. I am certain the British have more than the guys with Amy Winehouse hats. If you piss those people off, someone will be wearing you to the next Royal function I’m sure so take it easy on the people who run things.

Now I had no idea what an Amy Winehouse hat was but now I am worried, see above. Yes her hair is uncannily like a Guardsman’s bearskin helmet if you can say the word helmet in the same article as you mention The Queen? I don’t know but then I am only a Cat after all!

Thinking about it, it might be a good precaution to get a disguise?

I know, I could wear an Amy Winehouse hat! As you can see Amy Winehouse hats are all the rage among Cats at the moment. Below is a recent snap of my Siamese friend Prince Blue Flower or Bert as we call him affectionally, he is modelling his Amy Winehouse hat which was given to him only last week, poor devil.

What do you think? Will it work if I go under cover of Amy Winehouse’s hair?

Toby, Ginger, Monty and Felix have all said that they will wear their Amy Winehouse hats in sympathy with me bless them, so as word spreads across the world please, gentle readers, don’t be alarmed if your Cat crosses your lounge wearing something that looks like a dead fellow member of his or her species on his bonce, it is only your very own Moggie wearing his or her Amy Winehouse hat with pride and demonstrating solidarity with yours truly.

You know I never thought I could get into so much hot water and I will have to get out of it soon or my Amy Winehouse hat will sag like a badly cooked Soufflé.

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