That is daft isn’t it? We, both humans and animals are living our lives in a big and dangerous place, it is called the world, which is full of all sorts of dreadful stuff that is just waiting to bite you and worse in Iran if you are a married woman and have a bit of a slap and tickle with a man who isn’t your husband you are liable to get stoned to death! But then happily the rest of the world isn’t as looney as the chaps in long dresses in Tehran, no wonder Iranian women wear clothing that only shows their eyes, it is obviously for protection because Iranian and indeed Arab men are some of the randiest bunch of perverts in the world and will leap on anything unless it is clearly marked ‘untouchable’ as in a poor woman wearing a full body cover, though even that doesn’t very well and worse I’ve heard even the goats in Iran are asking to wear the ḥijāb these days for protection!

But is the civilised world ‘that’ dangerous? Or are we both humans and Cats being saved from ourselves before we have actually put ourselves in harms way? I have to say that this clever Cat thinks so.

Why? I hear you ask, well the answer is simple. As you probably know I loathe www.Google.com and that means that for all of my search requirements, spying, snooping and or news gathering I use www.Bing.com.

Frankly Bing isn’t much better than www.Google.com but at least by using Bing I stop www.Google.com snooping and spying on me by not using their services and I heartily suggest and recommend that you do the same and do it fast.

Anyway www.Bing.com is as good or as bad at what it does as Google usually, but I have noticed one or two annoying things about www.Bing.com and to date this is the most annoying thing…

Just like the search engine Microsoft copied when they wrote Bing’s software Google you can’t personalise your copy and so if you have an inclination or indeed a requirement to change the default search options you can only do that for one session and then they default back to what Microsoft – opps sorry we are supposed to call Bing ‘Bing’ because Microsoft is so unpopular – wants you to use for your own good of course!

So what does that mean exactly? Well I wanted some pictures of a lovely place in England in the county of Devon, the place is called “Saunton Sands” and as the name suggests Saunton is on the coast and has a few miles of sand.

So I typed in Saunton Sands and got this message from good old Bing and no pictures at all.

“The search for Saunton Sands devon may contain explicit adult content and has been filtered” etc…. etc… as you can see from the picture of the daft screen message. Well I know I spelt devon with a lowercase ‘d’ but what is offensive about any or all of the words that I used in the search? Beats the f**king, c**p out of any of the logical reasons I can think of.

So I had to turn the filter off and risk explicit adult pictures of “Saunton Sands devon” and here is the result, obviously don’t look if you are of a delicate disposition or if sand, sun and sea have a debilitating effect on you or indeed arouse you in anyway what so ever.

Where are the naked ladies and other pervert’s pleasures? The only thing that is naked is the wonderful sands at Saunton, although because it is in England it will be covered in litter I expect.

Sometimes I despair of this world and all of the idiots in it, except of course for my lovely fans and readers I love them all you are the intelligent ones, mainly because you like my Best Selling Book of course.

Oh don’t forget to bully someone you know into ordering my book here Amazon.com.

Guess what I have a very few first edition copies that are signed which you can order from my very own website here www.thecatsdiary.com.

These wonderful pristine copies of my best seller are a little more expensive than the ones at Amazon.com because of the cost of postage from the sweltering Czech republic sorry about that! But on the other hand these babies are worth a small fortune I noticed the other day at a specialist bookshop, but from my website they cost a tenth of the price so get someone else’s credit card now and burn some plastic.

Oh by the way, did you know that it was today, the 16th of July in 1918 that the Tzar and all of the royal family were ‘dealt’ with by the Russians?

Now I am not suggesting that the way they were dealt with was ‘good’ in any way, but I hope that the British royal family take a minute or two today to realise what happens when you rob the people all of the time and continually ask for more money because your palaces are falling down.

Oh and maybe they could send the Russian Royal Family’s jewellery back to Russia. The British royal family bought a lot of the more glittery baubles on the quiet after the Tzar and his family had no further use for them not many people know that – if you are wondering what it is like to be in a dead Tzarina’s Tiara – well simple just ask the British queen!

Here is a nice picture of the ‘poor’ British queen wearing The Russian Kokoshnik Tiara which was bought after the messy business of July 16th 1918.

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My dear friend and fellow best selling author J.K. Rowling called around tea time in floods of tears and in between the sound of her blowing her nose and grizzling she asked me to drop by and have one of our heart to hearts.

Obviously this is not an uncommon emergency, dear J.K. Rowling or ‘Pesty’ as I call her has been a constant caller over the ten or so years she has been writing her best sellers. You know she calls for advice on grammar, spelling, story lines, character’s names and so much more. In the early days when she was a struggling single Mother she’d even ask for change for the electric meter or a cup of coffee and some toast so that she didn’t get ejected from the coffee bar she used to write in.

Frankly I thought after she became the patron saint of the publishing industry she would stop calling but the calls have just become more frequent if anything. When she’d call she would ask not only for help with her writing but also what did I think of the latest movie, was a Harry Potter theme park a good idea?

Sometimes I have a feeling I think I made things worse but not better, especially when I voiced my ‘concerns’ over the movies but good advice honestly given is a valuable commodity and Pesty was a ardent customer.

So there we were sitting in her ‘drawing room,’ her butler and maids dismissed after arranging the coffee cups for the tenth time, yes this is a girl who has gone up in the world, and she just broke down again. It seems that my dear friend is having some trouble with her latest literary project and earnestly wanted my advice.

After the fifth iced bun and in between cracking open yet another pair of Mint Imperials between her molars Pesty let out an enormous sob, blew her nose on a very damp tissue and opened her heart yet again.

It seemed that pesty’s latest blockbuster in progress was not going at all well, in fact although Pesty had taken a multi million advance from her publisher to buy Rhode Island or something she was stuck, and she wanted to run the story line (so far) by me.

The latest series of books Pesty had decided should be a story about a boy in a kindergarten. The boy called Larry Cotter possessed special powers and two idiot friends who would follow him through any nonsense of a contrived plot.

I sort of sighed and opened my mouth to offer my opinion but before I could dear Pesty put her sticky finger to her mouth to not only ssssh me but also to pop in a couple more Mint Imperials to crack open and crunch as she went on.

“There’s more before you tell me what a good idea ‘The Mystic Adventures of Larry Cotter’ are!” Pesty said with a bravado that nearly broke my heart.

“The teachers at the kindergarten are all very strange and all seem to be against poor Larry who is a bit weedy, but they all turn out to be really rather nice,” the fingers ssshed me again, “and there will be computers, Robots and modern stuff because Larry is not only weedy but also a computer nerd who can build Robots and other modern stuff.”

When Pesty took a breath I expected her sticky fingers to touch her lips for silence but it appeared that she had stopped talking ‘that’ was ‘it’ the entire plot for the next series of five or so books – “mmh I though.”

Well what could I say? I have always told Pesty the truth and look what that has done for her so that is what I told her now, as she rang for a plate of fresh cream filled cakes and after they had arrived took one in each hand so that her mouth would not be empty while I continued.

Had she really explored all of her other ideas I asked earnestly, well yes she said she had started with a story about a college student called Barry Otter who had special powers but that didn’t seem to pan out because he kept growing up and becoming a Cost Accountant.

Sobbing and dripping tears onto the last mouthful of cream cake in her left hand she said that she had then explored the possibilities of a book about a young primary school boy called Nigel Jefferies who came from a children’s home, had a club foot and was in the school choir because he could sing like an angel, but sadly she didn’t seem to be able to work any special powers or magic into the tale and worse when she imagined Nigel playing ‘Poundpitch’ which she thought would be the next ‘Quidditch’ all she could see was him falling off his broom.

Things were, I decided, worse than I thought! Pesty had lost it! Unfortunately it was now up to me to tell her the brutal truth but how that was the problem?

Then I had a brilliant idea, the best way to ensure that people in need suddenly dry their eyes, cheer up, and it has to be said get rid of their visitors as quickly as possible is to ask a favour and rather than break the news that Pesty’s literary career was in a mess this is what I decided to do.

“Actually I have a problem too,” I said as earnestly as possible, “I am starting out on my latest series of books which have a working title of ‘Things and People I Really Loathe Vols 1-3′ and I wondered if you could help me with some of the references. Was the name Harry Potter your first choice name for your main character?”

Just as I expected the tears dried, the cream smeared hands were wiped on the sofa and the last Mint Imperial chewed noisily to destruction.

“Cat” smiled Pesty, “you know I love you and I owe you a lot because you have offered me so much help over the years and that is why I am so sorry I have to say that I can’t help you at the moment. Actually I have something really important to do so you must leave, it has been nice but I do have a book to write.”

As I left Pesty Mansions I knew that the old Pesty was back and soon Barry Otter, Larry Cotter or indeed a female hero called Carrie Lotter would be soon weaving his or her magic over his or her adoring fans, Pesty was back!

On Mint Imperials

It is possible that some readers don’t know what a Mint Imperial actually is and because I am a caring Cat and best selling author I thought that I would offer you a description and a photograph of the little tooth breaking delicious minty treats and indeed a link if you want to try the little minty devils for yourself.

Mint Imperials are small misshapenly roundish candies. They have a Minty rock hard sugar coating and a Minty softer inside they are definitely supposed to be sucked to extinction but because most people who have one, two or in pesty’s case three of these delightful treats in their mouth, tend not to be able to resist crunching on them they are not only delicious but noisy and of course literally Minty through and through.

Obviously the crunching is what can, and does, break teeth which is why dentists say they think that eating Mint Imperials and indeed any boiled sweet is a bad idea, but at night at their dark gathering secretly give thanks to the confectionery industry for making them and thereby increasing dentist’s income by at least a factor of four.

There is a great pile of information here Wikipedia if you want to read more about Mint Imperials.

If you really would like to try the little devils and risk a tooth or two you could always order some here Sweet Memory Lane.co.uk

I have to stress that I don’t have any connection with Sweet Memory Lane.co.uk in any way what so ever and that means sadly that when my fans put in bulk orders on my recommendation I won’t see a “brass farthing” to quote Charlie Dickens which is a damn shame because Sweet Memory Lane.co.uk seem to know how to charge if you see what I mean, when I was a Kitten a quarter of a pound which is probably 113 gms was sixpence now Sweet Memory Lane.co.uk want a whole British Pound and although British Pounds are pretty worthless a pond seems a lot, but they are worth the cost – promise and you could always send me some.

No not the Mint Imperials the British Pounds silly! You can donate them here – www.thecatsdiary.com just use the donate button here often!

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