That is daft isn’t it? We, both humans and animals are living our lives in a big and dangerous place, it is called the world, which is full of all sorts of dreadful stuff that is just waiting to bite you and worse in Iran if you are a married woman and have a bit of a slap and tickle with a man who isn’t your husband you are liable to get stoned to death! But then happily the rest of the world isn’t as looney as the chaps in long dresses in Tehran, no wonder Iranian women wear clothing that only shows their eyes, it is obviously for protection because Iranian and indeed Arab men are some of the randiest bunch of perverts in the world and will leap on anything unless it is clearly marked ‘untouchable’ as in a poor woman wearing a full body cover, though even that doesn’t very well and worse I’ve heard even the goats in Iran are asking to wear the ḥijāb these days for protection!

But is the civilised world ‘that’ dangerous? Or are we both humans and Cats being saved from ourselves before we have actually put ourselves in harms way? I have to say that this clever Cat thinks so.

Why? I hear you ask, well the answer is simple. As you probably know I loathe www.Google.com and that means that for all of my search requirements, spying, snooping and or news gathering I use www.Bing.com.

Frankly Bing isn’t much better than www.Google.com but at least by using Bing I stop www.Google.com snooping and spying on me by not using their services and I heartily suggest and recommend that you do the same and do it fast.

Anyway www.Bing.com is as good or as bad at what it does as Google usually, but I have noticed one or two annoying things about www.Bing.com and to date this is the most annoying thing…

Just like the search engine Microsoft copied when they wrote Bing’s software Google you can’t personalise your copy and so if you have an inclination or indeed a requirement to change the default search options you can only do that for one session and then they default back to what Microsoft – opps sorry we are supposed to call Bing ‘Bing’ because Microsoft is so unpopular – wants you to use for your own good of course!

So what does that mean exactly? Well I wanted some pictures of a lovely place in England in the county of Devon, the place is called “Saunton Sands” and as the name suggests Saunton is on the coast and has a few miles of sand.

So I typed in Saunton Sands and got this message from good old Bing and no pictures at all.

“The search for Saunton Sands devon may contain explicit adult content and has been filtered” etc…. etc… as you can see from the picture of the daft screen message. Well I know I spelt devon with a lowercase ‘d’ but what is offensive about any or all of the words that I used in the search? Beats the f**king, c**p out of any of the logical reasons I can think of.

So I had to turn the filter off and risk explicit adult pictures of “Saunton Sands devon” and here is the result, obviously don’t look if you are of a delicate disposition or if sand, sun and sea have a debilitating effect on you or indeed arouse you in anyway what so ever.

Where are the naked ladies and other pervert’s pleasures? The only thing that is naked is the wonderful sands at Saunton, although because it is in England it will be covered in litter I expect.

Sometimes I despair of this world and all of the idiots in it, except of course for my lovely fans and readers I love them all you are the intelligent ones, mainly because you like my Best Selling Book of course.

Oh don’t forget to bully someone you know into ordering my book here Amazon.com.

Guess what I have a very few first edition copies that are signed which you can order from my very own website here www.thecatsdiary.com.

These wonderful pristine copies of my best seller are a little more expensive than the ones at Amazon.com because of the cost of postage from the sweltering Czech republic sorry about that! But on the other hand these babies are worth a small fortune I noticed the other day at a specialist bookshop, but from my website they cost a tenth of the price so get someone else’s credit card now and burn some plastic.

Oh by the way, did you know that it was today, the 16th of July in 1918 that the Tzar and all of the royal family were ‘dealt’ with by the Russians?

Now I am not suggesting that the way they were dealt with was ‘good’ in any way, but I hope that the British royal family take a minute or two today to realise what happens when you rob the people all of the time and continually ask for more money because your palaces are falling down.

Oh and maybe they could send the Russian Royal Family’s jewellery back to Russia. The British royal family bought a lot of the more glittery baubles on the quiet after the Tzar and his family had no further use for them not many people know that – if you are wondering what it is like to be in a dead Tzarina’s Tiara – well simple just ask the British queen!

Here is a nice picture of the ‘poor’ British queen wearing The Russian Kokoshnik Tiara which was bought after the messy business of July 16th 1918.

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Have I piqued your interest? I do hope so! Where am I going I hear you ask – no go on please ask where I am going even if you aren’t really very interested because I am really hyped by the prospect and when you hear you might just be a little hyped too – whatever ‘hyped’ actually is of course!

Ok I give in I’ll tell you anyway. I am going to Florida, to Cape Canaveral that used to be Cape Kennedy, to watch a photograph of my face be launched into space on the last Space Shuttle flight ever, unless of course you count the return flight as a separate one if you see what I mean and surely the return flight is important enough to be counted separately.

The great thing is that after NASA asked me to supply the photograph of me that is used on the cover of my world famous book “Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary” available from all good, and not so terribly good, bookshops near you and of course at these fine places Amazon.com and my wickedly wonderful website or www www.thecatsdiary.com I asked them nicely if they would consider letting ordinary people send their pictures into space along with mine.

First they said that was a wonderful idea and then as they thought about it more they suggested that they might encourage people to send their pictures to them via the wonderful world wide web and they went away to build a website to do that very thing, well we have to celebrate NASA’s generosity because now if you are inclined to send your photograph into space you can do just that.

Simply go to the link below and upload a picture of you or indeed a loved one or family member (sorry old joke couldn’t resist it) and then wait until the Shuttle you choose comes back to the planet.

After your Shuttle has arrived back on Earth all you have to do is to go back to the site and using your reference number (which they give you after your picture is uploaded) you can get a certificate to say that your face has been in space, which if you are as interest in Rockets and of course explosions as I am you will probably treasure for a long time or if you are cheap like some people accuse me of being send the certificates to your friends and family as Christmas presents – tee hee.

www.faceinspace.nasa.gov/index.aspxm

I am going on the very last Space Shuttle mission the 134th, you should choose that one because it is going to be the best and most memorable because it has me on it. If you look at the picture below you’ll see some of our co-astronauts, a little bit about our mission on the STS-134 and a picture of the all important embroidered Mission logo – I want one of those don’t you?

Well although of course I am going to be really sad to see the back of the ugly little Space Shuttle it has ended up like almost all little ugly things, it has become an icon like, oh Mickey Mouse, Jeffrey Katzenberg, the Chief Executive Officer of Dreamworks and of course the Statue of Liberty which frankly I believe the French couldn’t off load fast enough once they realised just how ugly it was, so they looked around for a young, gullible nation and gave them a ‘present.’

I think that the only reason that America accepted the French ‘present’ was that they thought that they were getting the Eiffel Tower, much as they did when the those nice folks in Lake Tahoe thought that they were getting the iron bridge called Tower Bridge and were justifiably surprised when the first stones of London Bridge were unloaded, though why they would want that ugly Victorian monstrosity is anyone’s guess!

Just to compare the bridges and to prove that the bridge the good people of Lake Tahoe got was a nicer bridge. Here is the London Bridge as it is today.

Do please let me know if you agree with this Cat or not and of course if you upload your picture to be blasted off into space later this year.

Personally I can hardly wait.

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Here in the middle of Europe people are back in shorts as I said a few blogs ago, the tops of cars are down if they are soft, and that is before the last frosts of the year have finished doing what frosts do.

But it is not only the mad central Europeans who have displayed phototropic responses, happily more and more people have obviously decided to grab a good book, namely mine and sales at places such as Amazon.com and my wickedly wonderful website or www www.thecatsdiary.com have just exploded. What excellent taste you humans have, well the ones who’ve bought my masterpiece of feline literature.

It seems the sun has also had a wonderful effect on my Prize Giveaway because the donations are rolling in and someone even donated more than a dollar har ha, if you haven’t had an opportunity to look closely at my Prize Giveaway why not pop along to this page on my wickedly wonderful website or www www.thecatsdiary.com here the giveaway and join in the fun.

Even Dave the Cat seems to have caught the Sun and changed his hat for a more summery one although between you and me I am a little worried about Dave the Cat and that is because he seems to be leaning the other way if you see what I mean and that is only the start of it, what about his choice of hat? The only thing you can really say is that it is “consistent” isn’t it!

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By either buying my book or donating as little as a dollar (yes just a dollar although who would be that mean to a Cat?) you can win one of a number of wonderful prizes, the first ‘biggee’ is an iPod touch.

Yes you read that correctly this master of philanthropy is giving away an iPod touch – “Wow,” yes you took the words right out of my mouth!

So what are you waiting for click over to be part of the giveaway now and join in.

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Life is like that isn’t it? There is always something that you wouldn’t mind or something that you rather wish you had and of course it doesn’t always have to be hard cash, although the heavy chink of that in your pocket does make life a lot easier doesn’t it!

Recently I was looking out of the window at a few small birds hopping in and out and up and down the large Christmas tree that stands in the garden close to the house and thinking that it must be dreadful to be that small!

We all know that small things are nervous in the main and these birds, I’ll call them ‘Yellow Buntings’ (I have no idea what they are really but it adds some realism to the blog and they were ‘yellow’), were hopping around minding their own business and in the twitch of an eye taking to the air for no real reason, unless it was the sound of me banging my head on the window pane trying to get to know the little blighters better.

Now I have to say that I don’t really want to climb the Christmas tree outside so that isn’t the wish that came into my head while watching these little yellow hoppers, the thought that struck me as a wish was that I wished that I could fly and then I could catch birds on the wing as they say, it would make bird catching a lot easier and even up the odds a little.

Wouldn’t it be great to be like the Bald Eagle in these pictures I found on the internet? I thought so and decided to share them with my wonderful fans.

Actually they made me revise my wish a little of course. Now I wish I could fly like a Jumbo Jet, why I hear you ask?

Well the Bald Eagle is catching a Starling in mid air and it can do that because it is big and so it is handy to be a Bald Eagle, but then again if a Jumbo Jet was flying passed while the Bald Eagle was proving just how clever and tough it was who do you think would win in a mid air collision, yes I thought so too!

They don’t call this best selling author ‘clever’ for no reason do they?

By the way I have to ask. Has anyone wished that they owned a copy of my wonderful book? If you have then the good news is that you can of course get it safely here Amazon.com and when your wish comes true and you have my masterpiece you’ll wish that I would hurry up and finish the next book which I have to say is a corker and will be available in good bookshops and of course Amazon.com one fine day soon.

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“There’s nowt stranger than the truth” which means that there is nothing stranger than the truth which I imagine is true, but then the people of Yorkshire also say “Owt for nowt” as in “ye don’t git owt for nowt! which let’s face it, even to English, English speakers, is a saying that is a bit of a puzzle, let alone to the ears of the late adopters of the English language, like say Australians and Americans!

What this all means is that the world is an odd place and the things that go on in it are odd, as I am sure you will agree are the people who inhabit this odd world, which I think leads me nicely to what has happened to me recently.

As you know I have been complaining about the increasingly large amounts of junk emails that I have been getting which offer a range of things, none of which I personally either want or need. Well recently I have received a lot of emails from what according to the ‘cc’ email addresses was a ring of men.

The emails were chatty and on the surface innocent, but of course because I had no idea what they were about or who the people were that were sending them I was at a loss to explain why these seemingly harmless emails were being sent to me, so I sort of ignored them.

However ignoring the emails didn’t work and they piled up, can you imagine what it is like for a good looking cat, best selling author and all round star like me? The amount of emails and post I get is cumbersome to say the least and worse I like to reply to all of the mail if I can, especially the post with presents or cash in it and of course the wonderful letters praising my best selling book Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary which continues to sell well on Amazon.com it would be ungrateful not to do that wouldn’t it and completely unlike me I like the cash, presents and praise.

So as ignoring these harmless emails didn’t seem to be working and the men writing them seemed to think that they knew me I decided to write to one of the gentlemen and ask why he was writing to me, what he and the others in the ring wanted and so on and so forth.

The chap replied that we/they were in a Bible study group that met every Saturday lunchtime (I have a feeling in a bar, but then that is just me) and that the only problem I had was that I simply didn’t know all of the guys in the group. Now that was quite worrying, I wondered if this chap had been enjoying just a little too much of the ‘rapture’ recently if you know what I mean.

I replied several times that I didn’t know him or indeed anyone in the group and as for the Bible, I couldn’t even lift it, let alone study it! To which some of the group replied that they would see me on Saturday and others sent their apologise that they wouldn’t be coming on Saturday and hoped to seem me on the following one.

Now I know that religion blinds people to the truth, but this is taking that to the extreme isn’t it? You humans are odd you know and that is why there is a saying in Yorkshire that “there’s nowt stranger than the folk!” I suppose.

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People are surprised when I say that I read, but frankly it isn’t anything special is it? ‘Reading’ that is, not being ‘surprised!’ In fact being surprised is a little boring if like some people you are surprised all the time, because it means that you haven’t got much in the way of an imagination.

People are also surprised when I talk to them, a Cat that talks “what did they put in my coffee?” People usually ask, then they ask if I am a ‘special’ Cat and of course as well as being clever and a good looking Cat I am special, but not in the sense that has been used to denigrate people (and this Cat once) I hasten to add.

It is odd what some people think is normal and other people think is ‘unusual’ isn’t it? But when all is said, read and done I am mostly just a regular Cat who happens to read, talk and of course write wonderful books what make people split stitches – literally and literary if you see what I mean.

Just read one of the lovely reviews on Amazon.com if you chose to disbelieve me, which by the way is a great insult to Cats because we can’t, as I have said before, ‘lie’ which is a terrible shame if you want to know, and has hampered my career I am sure.

So to prove I am just a regular ordinary Joe type of Cat I thought I would talk about Prawns again, I was reading the other day that scientists have discovered that Prawns have feelings, no honestly they have!

I must say I thought it was a bit daft when I read it and imagined all of the Prawns who’s feelings I had obviously hurt in the past, poor little fellows.

Then I started to think about the scientists. What an odd bunch they must be to actually be interested in Prawns’ feelings in the first place, then as my mind burrowed deeper in to the whole Prawn feeling thing I started to wonder just what the research goals of the scientists was.

Did they think that Prawns’ feeling might be easier to research and study than humans? Did they think that by discovering if Prawns had feelings then they could use that information in say space, or industry? I wonder and of course doubt that they could.

Then I thought what a load of nonsense humans get up to. Then I decided that I would like to offer a nice home to anyone who has either very delighted or depressed Prawns, I know a great way to make them happy and of course become so much happier myself.

Lastly, though of course with me you don’t know that this paragraph will in fact be the last one of course, I must apologise for mentioning Prawns again, it is I have to say a bit of a habit with me, but I suppose it proves that I am just a Cat after all!

Finally tee hee and oops! I thought there was another paragraph in me – you can learn all about Prawns in my ‘un-put-down-able’ book I suggest that if you haven’t bought it Amazon.com is as good a place as any to get it, your eyes will love you and if you don’t laugh a lot then I will eat my words – so long as they are ‘Prawns, Prawns, Prawns…’ yes I am sure you get the picture!

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I have uploaded the most recent picture of Ginger I could find in a hurry it is from his failed or as he put it “yet to be refined” walking on air experiment.

Actually one or two of the slack mouths around here said that Ginger and his friends had gone off somewhere to enjoy an eight of Catnip but I don’t think that can be right he hates the stuff, well since the overdose that is!

I have every faith, including probably a lot of misplaced faith, that he will turn up somewhere, he always does, unless he is angry for some reason then he can sulk for ages but don’t worry his butt is worse then his bite, if you know what I mean and I think I do!

The trouble is that it is still snowing here and has been since before Christmas and it is cold enough to really annoy any brass monkey, so if Ginger is outside he could be completely Cap’n Scott by now couldn’t he? If you know what I mean!

It was something of an anniversary for the good Cap’n Scott and the lads recently, I believe it was one or two hundred years since they decided to see if you could get to the South Pole just wearing a string vest, knitted mittens and a smile.

Sadly some Norwegians had beaten him to the South Pole in a Volvo and left what they thought was a funny note “We beat you here” it said, obviously Norwegians are better at Polar exploring than telling jokes.

But the good news for Cap’n Scott and his chums was that when news of their deaths reached Britain they all instantly became heroes. It is the British way to make heroes out of failures and legends out of disasters, hence Gordon of Khartoum who faced millions of really annoyed ‘fuzziwuzzies’ as people, such as the good people of Khartoum, were called back in ‘Chinese Gordon’s’ time (that was his nickname, no I don’t know why either).

It is understood that General Gordon who instantly became “Gordon of Khartoum” died because of an unfortunate clerical misprint and a dreadful diplomatic error!

It is believed that the thousands of people who gathered outside General Gordon’s offices waving spears and wearing frowns were actually complaining about their gas bills and had simply gone to the wrong address – the one at the top of their gas bills.

Chinese Gordon, annoyed at the noise outside went out to meet the rabble with a loaded pistol which he emptied into the crowd.

Not long after General Gordon’s death the gas company quietly changed the address on the gas bills and the British government instructed all British residents living in foreign countries not to answer their doors with a loaded pistol.

Needless to say in true Dunkirk spirit General Gordon was brought home and buried with full honours, his actions were rewritten and a painting was produced to ‘assist’ the new ‘facts’ and another British legend was born.

Of course it isn’t only personal disasters that the British celebrate, bless them, by rewriting history and creating heroes, just read about British military history and you’ll learn all about The Charge of the Light Brigade, Dunkirk, Operation Market Garden and many more glorious military escapes, and of course the idiots involved and in charge of those farces were all promoted!

To tell the truth – and of course Cats can be relied on to do just that, which is at times a bit of a chink in our character armour as far as I am concerned – this good looking Cat has a bit of a soft spot for poor old Cap’n Scott because he was obviously a bit of a character as I am sure were his pals, if you want to read an extract from his ‘alternative’ diary there is a little snippet in my wonderful best selling book “Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary” which is available at all really great bookstores and of course Amazon.com.

There are quite a few snippets of diary of famous British failures who of course are national heroes in the UK, well I had run out of things to write and so I thought, now what would Livingstone say here and the rest is a best seller.

By the way Ginger has just turned up, he wasn’t outside at all, apparently he had another of his little ‘episodes,’ he said that he slipped into the airing cupboard and got entangled in a pair or probably two pairs of ladies (I presume) tights!

I wonder about Ginger sometimes, he has been wrapped up in nylons for three days and didn’t try to very hard to escape, that is odd isn’t it, it isn’t just me, is it?

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