The reaction to my latest brilliant idea has been amazing and so what was going to be a very quiet Easter weekend turned into a sort of email fest, where I was replying to fans taking advantage of my amazingly clever idea and of course brilliant scheme – The Great Giveaway

What am I talking about? Well my fantastic giveaway of course (check the link here or my last blog for more information.

The Great Giveaway has been so successful that I am already thinking of expanding it and will probably look at getting some Apple iPads for prizes when they come over here to Europe if they turn out to be more popular than iPod Touches, although what am I saying? That is like John Lennon saying that the Beatles were more famous than the son of God and look who fills more venues now? So what sort of idiot would say that?

One thing I am going to change though is this – I will have to reluctantly change the system a little and send an automated reply and that is because sending all of those email replies by paw over the Easter weekend meant that I couldn’t write any blogs or more importantly put on a few pounds by eating Easter Eggs followed by large numbers of Hot Cross Buns!

Well I hope that you had a very Happy Easter, I am off to cuddle up against a large Chocolate Easter Egg in the window and eat until I pop. Oh don’t worry about the Chocolate melting I am looking forward to cleaning that off my fur, you know how we Cats get clean, it will be like a second helping of Chocolate Egg won’t it?

As you can see from a picture taken on Easter Sunday, Peter the Chocolate Hand Crafted Bunny didn’t really put up much of a fight especially after a quick munch on the Creme Egg, wow the sugar rush you get from one of those babies could power the Space Shuttle if it wasn’t being retired this year. After one bite I was quite ready to wrestle control of the world and not just bite the head off a Bunny.

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Happily there weren’t any bodies in the bins today (see yesterday’s post for more gruesome details) just lots of sun shining out over Prague. Looking out of the window today you could actually see silvery traces of spider’s webs trailing down to the Spruce trees (the original Christmas trees).

Spruce trees are interesting because before hops was used to add flavour to beer they used to use the young shoots of the Spruce tree and it gives a very aromatic flavour apparently – there don’t say you don’t learn anything while reading this Cat’s blog, not that beer is of particular interest to this or other Cats I have to say which just goes to show hoe ‘giving’ I am just like Bono – the climate clown.

Speaking of Bono and climate clowns, I have to say sadly that when I looked out of the window today I did see a bluish grey haze which I imagine is pollution, not a good sign.

But in the defence of the cloud of pollution it was a sort of lyrical hazy blue pollution cloud and not the same as the one that sweats over London, is a sort of sulphurous yellow and is intent on giving children asthma and cutting up to nine years off the life span of the residents.

Did you see that the UK is going to be fined for the over pollution of their bit of planet, the problem is Bus and Taxi exhaust – well they got rid of the cars in London.

Don’t you agree that it is a shame that no one fines India and China as well because they can teach the world a thing or two about pollution, if nothing else.

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Above is a picture of the pollution (on a good day – there are no floating dead cows/humans) at India’s most sacred river, the Ganges, goodness knows what the not so sacred rivers look like or are full of!

Well this didn’t turn out to be a very funny blog which is a shame I like to make my readers smile a little even if they don’t laugh out loud, which by the way is never a good thing to do in public especially if you are alone because people around you will think that you are a little mad.

Tomorrow I plan to add a blog that will make you laugh and so I will not look out of the window before I write it I promise and hopefully then I won’t be tempted to get on to the subject of pollution.

So tomorrow I think we should talk about fish, yes what fun, we haven’t talked about fish for a long time have we?

By the way does anyone know what U2′s ‘Bono the Climate Clown’s’ real name is? I bet it is Jeff but spelt Geoff don’t you? Do let me know if you know what his real name is and indeed if you like U2, not that I care of course I just like to hear from my readers.

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Ok so today is the second sunny day and we are about four or five days into snow free weather, which will probably give you some idea about the temperature, with or without the sunshine it is cold.

But after two days of (not consecutive) sunshine the good people of Prague have decided that it is short and shirt sleeve wearing weather and are out and about in their hundreds – Prague is a small place and as yet the population hasn’t doubled in size with tourists – proudly showing their knees.

Are the Czechs mad? Well no not really they are healthy and think that their knees should be on display as often as possible, thank goodness they only think that their knees should be on display as often as possible, if you see what I mean!

But honestly having so many knees on display is a little off putting for a Cat; human knees, like all knees, are not nice, no wonder Cats hide theirs under fur, but then Cats are nice discrete animals aren’t they!

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And it is for that reason, modesty in the knee department that Cats are not like Pavels (the name I have given all Czech males – Pavelinas are the female equivalent), we would be mortified if we had our knees on display even on the hottest day.

Why? Do I hear you ask, well it is simple really, shorts are just about alright on young people, but when a middle aged man wears them to work and carries a briefcase and has a tie on you start to wonder don’t you? I do!

Still there are lots of reasons why Prague is a nice place to live, the steam coming off the river this morning made the place look magical especially if you happened to be standing on the famous medieval Charles Bridge and looking up at Prague Castle, in fact I wish I had been!

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This good looking Cat would like to thank everyone who came to the ‘Bring A Prawn Dance!’ last Saturday/Sunday and for some hardened party goers Monday too!

All in all we had a wonderful time in general and as you can see from the picture it got just a little wild.

Actually I do wish that I had used a picture on the invitations because some people and I won’t mention any names here brought err, how can I put this – oh yes – complete idiots, instead of Prawns.

Apparently a ‘Prawn’ in the human language can also mean a person who is not only not quite the ticket and has bought a bus ticket when they should have got one for a train, what can I say?

Well I suppose I could say that we had a right royal time with the idiots, but I won’t because a lot of people have accused me recently of being a bit of a royal basher and those who know me will agree that isn’t true, give me a choice between a Prawn and a royal and I will always eat the Prawn!

Actually I heard from a ‘reliable’ source that a well known royal had bought my best selling book and loved it, apparently it props the drawing room door open perfectly!

I wonder if they bought it here at Amazon.com that would have been nice.

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Well my long suffering, oops I mean faithful, readers here is another moan about www.google.com and unbelievably some praise for www.bing.com well the maps department anyway.

At the weekend friends of mine told me to go and have a look on www.rightmove.co.uk at a house that they were thinking of buying!

By the way www.rightmove.co.uk is a great little English website, it is small, only run by a couple of people trying to do a good job, where you can find property to buy and rent which if you are actually looking for property to buy or rent is, you have to admit, pretty handy isn’t it?

Sadly www.google.com that ever annoying and bulging behemoth is trying to send little companies like www.rightmove.co.uk out of business by offering free listings of properties so that they can get even more advertising revenue buy stealing it away from family style companies like www.rightmove.co.uk or at least that was what I was reading on www.bbc.com the other day.

Well I have deviated from my point but that means I have a lot to say and am not a ‘deviant’ honestly.

So my friends said have a look at a house called “Knapp Farmhouse” which they said was in the odd and I think rather distinctive sounding village of “Puncknowle” in the delightfully charming English county of Dorset.

Being inquisitive (it is such a nicer word than ‘nosey’ isn’t it?) I decided to not only have a look at the pretty pictures of the property that my friends were thinking of buying and closely study the property particulars, I decided to find out exactly where the oddly and distinctively named village of “Puncknowle” was and how close it might be to the sea and the lovely fresh fish especially Prawns that people pull out of that bit of the English Channel, just in case I get invited to stay and on the off chance get offered fish.

Now we all know because we have been told by www.google.com that their map search thingy is second to none and with street view it is even better because you can get to see into peoples houses – sounded good to me and so I copied and pasted the address of the house my friends were thinking of buying into Google maps, and here I have to say that www.rightmove.co.uk are sticklers for accuracy because they give to entire address of the property that they are marketing even down to the post code (or zip code as my lovely American readers would know it better).

Then I waited for the magic to happen!

Imagine my surprise when this good looking Cat got not only a picture of the house my friends are thinking of buying but also an advert which said that the property was a sort of guest house that we only have in the UK I believe and call a “bed and breakfast,” these places are sort of like motels but with limited parking, but are fun to visit because the people who run them are usually mad and do odd things like pre-Basil Fawlty’s and on a smaller scale.

Knapp Farmhouse according to this advert (and the brochure that popped up when I clicked on a link) was indeed a bed and breakfast and strangely enough it was a completely different building to the one on www.rightmove.co.uk.

I was astonished that my friends were obviously considering ‘trade,’ were they that far down on their luck poor things? And my shock and horror grew as I noticed that the address of the property on Google maps was completely different to the address I had been given by them and also the nice website www.rightmove.co.uk.

My suspicions began to grow, were my friends trying to tell me something? Because with the help of Google maps had I discovered that they were about to move and didn’t want to give me the address of their new home and were thinking of disappearing forever – bastards!

Happily I am not the sort of clever feline that jumps too far to any conclusion and so I first checked to see if maybe some clumsy stroke of a furry paw had pasted in the wrong address – but no it wasn’t that.

Then I checked to see if the address my friends had given me was the same as the one on www.rightmove.co.uk – no that wasn’t the reason for having a different address and indeed picture on Google maps.

I called my friends and checked the address with them “yes” they said “that’s the right address, what did I think of the farmhouse and also the guest accommodation?” (A converted barn big enough for about twenty Cats).

“Very nice I said!” And put the phone down in confusion, it was obvious that they weren’t trying to get rid of me as a friend, they had asked me about the guest accommodation hadn’t they?”

So that meant that there had to be some other reason for the glaring discrepancy between the pictures of the house on www.rightmove.co.uk and bed and breakfast brochure on Google maps! They were so different and so it led me to think that they must be two different properties, but the smarties at www.google.com couldn’t be wrong could they? They are bright, they are clever, they are at long last moaning to China about their really dreadful freedom of speech issues, they are the next best thing to god aren’t they?

They have most of the same letters in there name as ‘him’ after all and they seem to control and manage everything and if they don’t like you or what you say they aren’t above a bit of censorship of their own are they?

So what to do, this little problem was gnawing at me, was there a way of checking whether www.rightmove.co.uk had made a mistake – yes there was they have an aerial picture of the property which probably most people would look at first and so now I checked that and it was different too www.google.com, then I thought maybe I should see what another aerial picture would look like and so I went to www.bing.com.

www.bing.com have a map and an aerial picture thingy, the map is actually much better than www.google.com and has a lot of map type information and not a lot of ads and guess what you can make the map full size so that you can see more of the map unlike Google maps which has more space for ads that are on the left hand side of the screen and can’t be made smaller to show more, well any of the map.

The aerial picture is not as good on www.bing.com but who cares about that? When I searched www.bing.com with the same address (glad that I had copied it and could paste it in so many times www.bing.com found the right property which agreed with the address that my friends had given me and also the pictures on www.rightmove.co.uk, bit of course not with Google maps.

So I think that unbelievably, because I am not a great fan of Microsoft at all, www.bing.com has won a little more of my heart, it isn’t as inaccurate as www.google.com, it is less committed to plastering ads all over your screen when you are snooping on your friends new home in the map section and you can even ‘see’ what you are looking for full screen after you have found it and not a collection of adverts unlike Google maps and soon it will be the search engine of choice on the iphone.

Now of course the reason Apple Computers are changing their search engine on the iphone according to the www.bbc.com is that Apple Computers are annoyed that the iphone has some competition in the shape of the Google Android (‘phone’ as it has been described) – some competition har ha – and they are annoyed that they might only sell one billion and one iphones instead of one billion and ten iphones next year or something petulant like that.

So I have decided that for the time being that like Apple Computers I too like www.bing.com and I seriously suggest that you have a gawp at it too!

Currently one of their screen pictures is of a Cat as well, a rather fine Cat as well let’s hope that the rather fine Mountain Lion is pouncing on the idiot who works at Google maps and was responsible for England and in particular Dorset, let’s face it Google maps should get rid of that idiot as fast as possible it is giving them a bad name.

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If you want my honest opinion regarding extraordinary rendition, I think I would prefer an extraordinary one than just the norm! Wouldn’t you?

This is an extract from my latest book “Thoughts from a Good Looking Cat!”

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Have I wished all of my lovely cuddly readers of my book, blog and my ‘www‘- wickedly, wonderful website a very Happy Christmas and more money in your pockets in the New Year? I hope so, I forget things sometimes. But I rarely forget to mention that you can still get my book at Amazon.com in time for Christmas and you really should you know, it would make me very happy and of course reading it will make you sublimely happy I promise. (Insert winning smile here).

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Mixing metaphors is like mixing drinks, it can produce an intemperate tirade of nonsense, similar to the intoxicatingly dumb and boring stories that currently beset poor, only in the sad stakes, Tiger Woods.

Now I have to say that of course I really have difficulty stirring myself to defend an idiot, and as the once mighty Tiger has admitted in so many words he was an idiot, but as a Feline I feel it is my duty to defend a Tiger, no matter how faded and tarnished this idiot’s image may be.

So after talking on the phone to my people who talked to the Tiger’s people who shared some black coffee with the Tiger, here is a short statement that both sides have agreed upon.

“Tiger Woods is not such a bad person you know and is was only practising at the 19th hole!”

As Eight-time Grand Slam winner Andre Agassi said when he awoke recently, don’t be so cruel to the Tiger and don’t judge him too harshly. “It’s irresponsible to jump to conclusions on Tiger Woods without the full facts after recent claims about the golfer’s private life…” Then he dropped off to sleep again.

Just remember that incredibly rich people have a right to let off steam once in a while and better still have, if they are sensible, a large number of PR people who can ensure usually that the ‘facts’ are never ‘full’ by any means.

So quite frankly my advice to the tarnished Tiger is to get better PR people. Frankly I would have thought that a small car crash in possibly an alcoholic haze, while possibly beating your wife with a five iron can be smoothed over rather easily if you have the right PR people, just ask the Kennedy clan!

Finally I have to say that as of this moment in time there is not going to be any announcement regarding the replacement of the Tiger with The Cat on the side of some bottles of Gatorade. Frankly just like the disgraced Tiger, The Cat would only drink that rubbish on camera and for large amounts of the folding stuff, but a Kitty has got to live! So watch this space.

However here at The Cat HQ (a sober and clean place where no wife beating has ever taken place) we were sent the picture below by an anonymous advertising agency, who simple asked The Cat for his opinion on some new artwork.

As of this moment that is all we can say on the subject of the new and improved Gatorade which, never fear, will be on the shelves for the Holiday Season.

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It is true! Not all fat Cats are Bankers, according to those nice people at Purina a third of all pets in the UK are overweight,* so if that is the case what about the numbers in the states? It doesn’t bear thinking about does it?

So what are we going to do? I know, you could feed us Cats Prawns! Prawns are the perfect food they are full of energy, protein and not at all fattening. And of course some vegetarians eat Prawns, you know the ones I mean who don’t understand the word ‘vegetarian.’

Still I would happily live just on a diet of Prawns. So if you want to send me buckets or lorry loads I will happily munch my way to fitness.

Editors note:
As you will know from his book “Getting Out Excerpts From A Cat’s Diary,” available here Amazon.com,The Cat is sadly addicted to Prawns and although he is allowed them once in a while as a treat to send lorry loads to him as he suggested would be impractical, so please if you have followed his instructions and the lorries are on their way to The Cat Headquarters do please stop them and turn them around now.

The image used in this blog is deliberately distorted to preserve anonimity of this poor flabby feline, but we know who you are chubby chops don’t we!

* Source http://www.purina.co.uk

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I would like to say and so I will, that not every blog needs a picture, just like this one in fact!

Actually it makes a change not to have to carefully paw craft a picture especially for you bloggers, even though of course I love you all, well I have to you love you all you keep me in Kippers and Prawns by buying my book and generally worshipping me, but all the same it feels nice not to have to fire up Photoshop and mess around pixelatedly, which of course is a new word and a lot of trouble at the same time.

Actually I like new words don’t you? Well you should, you get quite a few here don’t you and of course there are loads of newly invented words in my wonderful book “Getting Out Excerpts From A Cat’s Diary,” which you lucky people can buy and enjoy anytime you like.

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I am a soft pawed predator and rather pleased about it!

Well would you want to be prey would you, I know I wouldn’t!

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