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Big Nudes!

Nov 252009

Oh! I am so sorry I have made a typo in the headline – it should read Big News! But it got your attention didn’t it?

So what is the big news I hear you say and some of you complain! Well first I would say to all of you hold your horses and to those of you complaining I would say have some patience and don’t be so rude. I am a Cat after all and typing isn’t something I am born to.

No I know neither were humans born to typing, but you ape descendants held onto the prehensile toes and fingers while us slightly more highly evolved creatures have lost them and adopted a soft paw.

I have sort of decided that it would be fun each day to see if I can come up with ideas on how to annoy and of course eventually rid the world of Parrots, they are just multicoloured vermin after all gay Pigeons that’s what I call them and this mission is so very important that I am considering moving my blog onto the home page of my ‘www‘- wickedly, wonderful website. Treat your self and have a click no one is looking. then after you have done that do go to my my ‘www‘you will adore it.

You don’t really need the name of my amazing website but here it is just in case – www.thecatsdiary.com.

So I am going to have a chat with my PR people and let Sebastian, Polly and Georgie have a little ‘ponder’ as they always call it when they are trying to catch up with another of my amazing ideas.

In the meantime I thought I would share this little idea with you on the subject of ‘dealing’ with Parrots. Why don’t we announce that scientists have discovered obscene quantities of Peanuts on the M25? And they are free to anyone who wants a peck.

For all of my international visitors and friends the M25 is an is the worlds largest environmental experiment. It works by trapping hundreds of thousands of motorists every day by pretending that it is a motorway.

The motorists sit patiently at a standstill until ten minutes after they should have arrived at their destination and then they are released like a competitors in a race.

So if the carbon monoxide from the idling engines doesn’t get the Parrots who have come for the free peanuts then the formation start will.

Perfect! That should get rid of a few of those over dressed Pigeons shouldn’t it!

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The Best Looking Cat!

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Nov 242009

I like Cougars they are my most favourite animal – well after myself of course and they are pretty good looking unlike me, I have been described as handsome, cute, attractive, very striking, and yes beautiful!

The picture? Well you didn’t think I would show the competition for the best looking Cat on my blog did you? Well you don’t know me do you!

Great News!

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Nov 212009

Here is some really wonderful news! I remembered that I forgot – does that sound right? Well never mind! I remembered that I forgot to tell you all about kippers when I mentioned them a while ago, but I have remembered now and found a nice picture of the tasty treats so here is the information that you have probably been waiting for!

A kipper is made from a fish called a herring. When kippers are made they use the whole herring and just split from tail to head, then they take out the nasty wobbly bits, salt it and then cold smoked it for a while in a smoke house.

Humans and Cat’s in the UK and the US often eat grilled kippers for breakfast and they are sublime with butter and a poached egg or two.

Some humans and all Cats in the UK eat kippers for high tea or supper and they are beyond divine and most Cat’s, like me, would kill for them, though it has to be said we rarely do!

There I hope that helps do let me know if you want any more information on kippers or indeed any other fish, I like to pride myself that I am a bit of an expert on fishy things.

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At The Moment I Can Only Deny The Rumours

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Nov 202009

I have asked my PR people to comment on my behalf on the rumours that I will be taking over from the lovely and very tired Oprah Winfrey in 2011.

As yet there has been no contact between Oprah’s people and my people what so ever and we can only wonder where the rumours have come from.

Although of course I did manage to find this picture (above) in the press which obviously shows the delight of some individuals at the premature (I have to say) announcement of the ‘change.’

Happily I Am Wrong

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Nov 202009

One of the books that I am writing in my trilogy of five books to follow the blockbusting “Getting Out – Excerpts from A Cat’s Diary” has a catchy working title which i plan to fight fang and claw to keep when I start to argue with the publisher and my agent and its title is “People I Really Hate.”

I have a Twitter list on the subject but that was only to annoy all of the idiots who call; themselves ‘Margaret Thatcher!’

Any way I discovered a new word the other day and I would like to share it with you because it is a lovely word I first thought that Poliphobe meant someone who hated parrots but rather delightely I discovered it means someone who hates everything!

Now you have to hand it to poliphobes all over the world because it must take some enormous dedication to actually hate everything, even I can’t pretend to be hate everything because, and I know it is a weakness I love Prawns or Shrimp as the lovely Americans call them, oh and of course I love Americans they are so err ‘cuddly.’

One last thing do you think poliphobes dislike ‘me?’ I can’t imagine that can you? No I thought not!

God Is Good – But Is That It?

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Nov 192009

I have a lot of interaction with the public, they write to me at my website Getting Out – Excerpts from A Cat’s Diary – Home and also to the TV shows I have been on and of course to my agent bless them.

Well I know that is my fault of course because I am a superstar and I know I will never learn, I just get more famous and more people interact with me.

Still that isn’t all that important, because today dear readers I want to talk to you about God.

Unfortunately I get a lot of people who write to me about him or should that be Him ‘he’ does always seem to get a capital letter at the beginning of his name, I should t know that because I copied Him.

Well I get idiots – oops sorry people writing nonsense like this from an otherwise nice lady the other day.”God is Good, praise him (she missed the capitalisation of His Him)on high.”

I wrote back “yes god is good but so are prawns, little children and comfortable beds it is just that God has a better marketing department,” and sadly she didn’t seem to be too impressed and made some unGodly comments!

It was a shame she go so mad because I was going to ask her about the “praise Him on high,” bit.

Was it an instruction to climb a hill, or is that why churches have tall towers? But she doesn’t speak to me any more, so much for Christian forgiveness and compassion.

Have a great day all of you!

Wow! Hello My Wonderful Fans How Are You?

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Nov 192009

It is crazy at the moment – but then it was me and not an assistant who signed up to be a superstar wasn’t it.

My agent the great Mr. T. A. Leibowitz, ‘call me Todd’ has just sent me a picture of my book advertised on the street in New York – are you impressed? I know I am, look at my bone structure, poise, elegance and stance, I am, I have to admit one extremely good-looking animal.

Then you have to add the facts that I am extraordinarily intelligent, absurdly rich and incredibly famous and you get someone who is a true star and so very special.

I have decided to help little Nicole Kidman regain her fame, she came to me in floods of tears earlier today, poor lamb, apparently the Los Angeles Times which as we all know is one of the biggest mouthpieces of Hollywood, reported that she, bless her little cotton socks, was no longer a star! Don’t you just love her and of course pity her!

Purrs,

The Cat

www.thecatsdiary.com

Sayings A Collection

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Nov 192009

I have started to collect ‘sayings’ you know the type of thing “a stitch in time saves nine!” Stitches I presume.

The other day I found myself saying one – “when the shoe is on the other foot – I always fall over!” I don’t know if I got it exactly right but that is the nice things about saying you can personalise them, can’t you?

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The Cat's Blog

Big Nudes!

The Best Looking Cat!

Great News!

At The Moment I Can Only Deny The Rumours

Happily I Am Wrong

God Is Good – But Is That It?

Wow! Hello My Wonderful Fans How Are You?

Sayings A Collection

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