Category Archives: The Cat’s Travelogue

Is this the worst restaurant in the Middle East

As a really very large number of my regulars know I wrote a book recently called ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ and it has been selling like cakes fresh from the oven (thank you all for that).

In my latest masterpiece of feline literature I tell the (mostly) true story of my adventures encountered as I adventured around our little planet and of the fun I had there.

One of the places that I visited but was encouraged (with large sums of the folding stuff) not to mention was that builder of tall buildings, bastion of human rights and electoral freedom Qatar.

I think that the royal family of Qatar wanted to keep my visit to their little country off the record because unless you have shed loads of cash, and that means being related to the royals there, your life is pretty awful. You can, if you want to, read all about the repression there in other places I don’t need to cut and paste that nonsense into my blog do I?

All I will say is that while you can, if you have the cash, live in seven luxury in Doha the capital of Qatar most of those annoying people who complain all the time that the oily cash which belongs to the country and could do so much good of the majority just gets stuffed into the pockets of only a few, leaving the majority to eat at places like the one below.

Qatar s Worst Restaurant

Not a very appetising prospect is it?

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Shoes, Feet And Other ‘Insults’

I was going through some old pictures and when I came across this one (below) it reminded me of my aimless wanderings that resulted in the writing of my wonderful masterpiece ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ (if you are one of the few people on the planet not to have a copy you can get it discreetly here www.amazon.com and no one will ever know that you didn’t have one of the latest trendiest ‘must have consumer products’ because you can pretend that you had it all the time).

In The UAE They Dream Of The Sea

The picture comes from the ultra modern high rising cement constructed emirate of UAE and brought back all sorts of dreadful memories of a place where the contradictions of life are many, various and confusing to say nothing of their translations into English!

Imagine spending $20 billion on an hotel – imagine the Burj Khalifa – and then try to imagine why you wouldn’t spend $20 on correctly translating a sign from Gulf Arabic to English, if you can do that then you can imagine just what life is like in Dubai or the UAE!

The UAE is a place where ‘foreigners’ are loathed, but welcomed so that they can fill the seven star hotels and try their hardest to buy at least a tenth of all of the dreadful modern and over priced real estate that has been thrown up for them on newly created ‘islands’ in the middle of enormous lagoons which are now sadly sinking back into the depths of the lagoons from where they were dredged up.

UAE

The UAE is a place that likes to pretend that it is modern, go ahead and forward thinking but can’t do more than pretend, take a recent innocent example of a multinational shoe manufacturer (Puma) who thought that the very rich inhabitants of the UAE and the tourists, who troll around the place gaping at the enormous buildings, pleasure parks and the greater number of building sites where construction has ground to a halt, would like a pair of trainers with the UAE flag plastered all over them.

These ‘special edition shoes’ (whatever that can possibly mean) were intended to mark the 40th UAE National Day. All that Puma had to do was to make them and put a stupidly high price on them ($190 because they are special I suppose), stick them in their own stores and ‘bam’ they would be a few million dollars richer even if half of the products sold would have to be returned because they were so badly made in China.

UAE PUMAS

Well it was a brilliant marketing plan what could go wrong?

What went wrong was simple the very conservative inhabitants of the UAE didn’t like the the fact that the nations flag colours were being used on shoes!

At this moment it might be a good idea to cast your mind back to the Iraq war, just at the end when America was being thanked and celebrated before the Iraqis changed their minds, when the enormous statue of old walrus face was toppled and locals started hitting it with their shoes.

Saddam Statue Shoe Attack

Then a short while later after the Iraqis had forgotten all about the repression of the old ways under the tough guy with the big soup strainer and more importantly who had rescued them from torture and terrible moustaches some idiot threw a shoe at Pres. Georgie B, can you see a pattern emerging here?

Pres Bush Shoe

For some reason in the Arab world, best known only to Arabs, feet and footwear are considered dirty, the Cat who writes blogs thinks that it is such a shame that there isn’t more widespread use shoe polish and foot baths in the Arab world as that surely would sort of solve little problems like this and then the UAE could make a better pretence of being what it pretends to be – a modern country that is a great place for tourists and second home owners. Because as incidents like this demonstrate currently the mind set of the people is still firmly entrenched in prehistoric Wadi mud, remember the Cat who writes blogs is just a Cat and Cats aren’t as clever as humans! Are they? But I have to say this I am glad that Cats have Paws and not feet and never wear shoes, unless they are dressed up by idiot humans – but that is the subject of another blog and nothing to do with this one!

Just imagine for a moment if we were so precious about the British Union Jack or the American Stars and Stripes, we would have tacky mugs, tea towels and souvenir shop rubbish in general, Jimi Hendrix’s masterpiece of guitar playing the ‘Star Spangled Banner’ would be lost forever and we would never have had anything to roll our ‘herbal’ cigarettes in at college would we?

US Flag Joint

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Stock of My Travelogue Arrives At My Webstore

At long last we have stocks of my latest and to date most wonderful masterpiece of feline literature ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ at my www-WickedlyWonderfulWebsite’s Store.

My book delivery Time Square NY

Quite frankly it has taken so long to get stocks because my wonderfully discerning and cuddly readers have been buying my wonderful book just as quickly as it has been printed and rushed to shops in enormous trucks and of course our biggest retailer www.amazon.com.

So now you can get your copy of ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ direct from the wonderful furry author and while reading it imagine I am sitting on your lap, and don’t forget as dear Clint Eastwood says for a few dollars more you can have what we now call the ‘Exclusive’ edition which will be signed by me and by my translator Mr. John Woodcock in one of his lucid moments.

Travelogue by John Woodcock

So, I have my paws crossed and I’m waiting patiently, hoping that all of my dear cuddly readers know what to do next and won’t disappoint me by not going to www-WickedlyWonderfulWebsite’s Store and buying at least one copy of my marvellous travelogue, if you liked ‘Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ I have a feeling you are going to love ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ and if you didn’t, then I don’t mind if you buy a few copies and give it to your least favourite relatives.

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Fire Alarm Testes!

While researching my latest and most wonderful (to date) book which if you have been living in a cave or Rochdale and haven’t heard is called ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ I travelled the world and encountered strange people who erect bizarre signs in there very own edition of the English language.

Ladies and Gentlemen I give you “Fire Alarm Testes!” from sunny smog filled Shanghai.

Fire Alarm Testes Check How Long Too

What else can I add? Well I suppose the obvious what a load of rubbish, and did you see how long the brief Fire Alarm Test will take 8 hours! Mmh what an advanced nation!

About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Save Tigers And Do It Now

While having my breakfast of tasty Prawns with a side of Prawns and a bag of Prawns to go sitting next to me on the diner table I was reading the newspaper.

I rarely read newspapers because I believe that if you want to ruin your day read a newspaper at breakfast and if you want to ruin your life become famous, like me, and have News International eavesdrop on your every phone call, read your mail, hack your computer and sift your trash while trying to gather dirt on you. So far that have failed thanks to my satellite phone a little tip I learned from someone I was talking to in the CIA several years ago.

I have to say here that when I was talking to this lady from the CIA I thought that ‘CIA’ was an abbreviation for China International Airways and to be honest I didn’t discover what the letters really CIA stood for until I climbed aboard what I thought was a small China International Airways jet at an airport in Pakistan while researching my latest unputdownable book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ (available here The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition and if you want an ebook here The Cat’s Travelogue ebook boy was I in for a surprise I can tell you, and if you read my latest work of feline literary genius you will know exactly what I am talking about here!

Anyway, so there I was reading the newspaper and getting ever more depressed, when I think I have reached rock bottom after reading three articles about four politicians in three totally different countries who were all displaying their own special type of ineptitude that singles them out for a career in politics when my eye caught this headline:-

“Is it time to give up on Tigers and Pandas? – Controversial plans to save one species at expense of another are gathering pace”

The it went on to say:-

“A majority of professional conservationists believe it is time to consider shifting efforts away from some of the world’s most famous species, such as the Panda, to concentrate on others which have a greater chance of success.”

Panda

So is that what humans have come to? They have hunted animals to extinction destroyed their habitat to grow beef for McDonalds then a few decades ago seen the light and started to conserve species instead of running rough shod over them and now they have decided, because trying to protect animals is too much like hard work, to choose one species over another because they can’t cope with their own destructiveness which so drastically affects all of the other animals and creepy crawlies who share the planet Earth.

Well all I have to say is shame on you humans for taking so much of the Earth’s resources and leaving so little for wildlife, shame on you conversationalists and in particular shame on the charity the World Wildlife Fund for taking so much money and pretending to give a damn about animals and obviously failing so miserably.

I would also like to say that if there has to be a choice between Pandas and Tigers we should save Tigers they are not only better looking, they are also more interesting, more active, distant cousins of mine and better still if their numbers were to grow significantly they might just start getting their own back and start eating humans!

2 Siberian Tigers

At least there is one positive to come out of this article and that’s that you can stop giving your hard earned folding stuff to the WWF!

As I have said time and again all charities are absolutely useless and this article proves that, if you ever doubted my word, instead you can of course send all of your spare cash to this Cat and make his life amazingly comfortable, unlike a charity I will spend you money wisely and choose only the finest Prawns, the best cars, hotels and employ only the most qualified staff to attend to my every need, which are many and various.

I do hope that people start to see how dreadful charities are now in the light of what these conversationalists are proposing. I was telling people 15 years ago just how greedy and corrupt banks were and now they are seeing it, let’s hope it doesn’t take the same length of time for the public to see just how much alike charities and banks are, they only care about themselves and nothing else even the things they are set up to protect, help, nurture or whatever else they waffle on about as they hold their hands out for you cash.

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Jessie The Cat Goes For A Little Walk 2,000 Miles

After moving 2,000 miles from Ungarra, South Australia to a new home in Darwin high up in Australia’s Northern Territories in March last year Jessie The Cat went missing, her family looked everywhere for her but she was nowhere to be seen.

A year later Jessie The Cat’s family had more or less given up any hope of ever seeing their wonderful Cat again until one day the people who had moved into Jessie The Cat family’s old house called them up and said that they had seen a strange Cat mooching around their house.

Jessie The Cat’s family asked for a picture, just in case the strange cat wasn’t a stranger to them. The picture arrived and delighted Jessie The Cat’s family because – well you have guessed it, it was Jessie The Cat.

Jessie The Cat had somehow managed to walk 2,000 miles back to her old home and her journey gets even more impressive when you look at the routes she may have taken, either Jessie The Cat crossed Australia’s searing desert or she took a very much longer coastal route to visit her old house and chums, until now Jessie The Cat hasn’t said which one she took or indeed whether she plans further adventures in the future.

Jessie s Journey

Just like Jessie The Cat your favourite genius of a feline author has been travelling, last year and indeed for a few years before I travelled the world researching my latest and most wonderful masterpiece of feline literature ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ and although I didn’t actually match Jessie The Cat’s feat on all fours I think I deserve a pat on the back don’t you?

You can get The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or a copy of The Cat’s Travelogue ebook by clicking these links or the nice picture below!

Travelogue by John Woodcock

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Another ‘Drive Safely” Sign

With the unexpected snow, that obviously doesn’t have its alarm clock set for ‘Winter,’ falling all over New York I though it was about time to look at silly road signs yet again and I promise you on my travels researching my latest book buster of a book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ I saw loads.

Oops I nearly forgot you can get a copy of my latest unputdownable book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ here The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or if you are more than a little wired the ebook here The Cat’s Travelogue ebook.

It seems that people who erect ‘drive safely’ signs are causing havoc with innocent motorists and here is the very latest example.

I bet the poor driver was too busy reading the sign in heavy snow to watch the road and a dangerous piece of ice that started this accident. I do wish that people who are responsible for safety signs would be more responsible don’t you?

Still I suppose the old saying is true, “where you get motorists you get accidents!”A saying that is also true if you replace the word ‘motorist’ with human in this Cat’s experience!

Drive Safely

I am so sorry I can’t resist the urge to show you the cover of my latest book!

Travelogue by John Woodcock

There it’s better to get these sorts of urges over and done with isn’t it?

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Found one Cat

A lot of people apparently have not been able to find the section of my website that has random sneak peeks of my latest book The Cat’s Travelogue in “good old” some say (I don’t) www.google.com so here is a link that will take you there immediately Travelogue Website.

There I am happy to announce that at least that is one missing Cat’s website found!

When you click that you’ll be able to read a synopsis of the book and just as you can with my other book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ you will be able to read a page of my latest feline masterpiece ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ and get to see what others have thought about it, mind you there aren’t many reviews there at the moment because I imagine that people are only half way through my wonderful book because it is that new.

Travelogue by John Woodcock

You can order copies of my books at my www.wickedlywonderfulwebsite store of course here www.thecatsdiary.com or from the ever reliable www.amazon.com here The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition for the paperback or here for the ebook edition The Cat’s Travelogue ebook.

You may find that you have ordered a copy of my must have unputdownable ebook only to find that you don’t, as yet, have an eReader well don’t worry about that those nice people at www.amazon.com will gladly let you have one for money they probably will suggest a Kindle Fire which you can get if you click on the nice picture below

Or if you want to have a good look at other eReading machines you can simply click here Computers which will take you to www.amazon.com’s computer department.

There you will find a good few eReaders, I understand that a company that grows great pie fruit does a nifty reader that can also be used as some sort of pad, though what sort of pad it is I haven’t managed to fathom out yet because you can’t wrap it around a leg, it’s way too thin to use as a pillow and not quite big enough to curl up on and when I tried I slipped off the shiny glass screen, but for all of that I understand the iPad is a popular gadget so don’t rule it out just because it isn’t cuddly or unable to stop bleeding like most pads.

Then there are several copies of the iPad which are all called tablets but they are even odder than the iPad because you definitely can’t take two of these with water three times as day.

I could of course go on, but to prove all of my critics wrong I won’t…

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Someone Should Wash Their Lorry

I did quite a bit of travelling while I was researching my unputdownable latest masterpiece of feline literature ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ and sometimes the road was dark and dangerous, you know the type of road I mean one where the gravel from it falls off when your tyres come close to edge and then tumbles down a cliff face for hundreds of feet into oblivion.

But not all roads are like those ones in Britain, where there are misnamed pot holes (they really should be called ravines), no a lot of the roads I travelled on were wonderful, neat, nicely made and great to drive on, although that could be because the countries that have those roads either don’t have the traffic because most of the population can’t afford to drive like India or they reduce the number of drivers on the road by predijuice by not allowing women to drive as they do in the most backward of countries like Saudi Arabia.

Just interrupting myself for a moment, and my dear faithful readers know I do that a lot and to be honest probably expect it of me, I have found that women drivers are much better than their male counterparts, I was once driven from a racetrack in the middle of Kent (Brands Hatch) to London by an English lady F1 racing driver called Divina Galicia and it was wonderful, she drove the car in a way that I don’t think many could, it was exciting, fun and well within most of the laws of the land.

Still this blog isn’t about drivers, male or female, it’s about a lorry that I saw on the roads in Britain, a country that was once really nice and is now as filthy as this lorry’s bottom. As the tile says someone really should wash their lorry – before the truth comes out!

If you look as closely at this picture as I have you’ll no doubt see that in order to write in the filth covering the lorry’s rear whoever wrote the little jokette had to clean some of the scank off amazing!

Still they do say that individuals are to be treasured and you would have to be an individual to drive a lorry like this and get a nickname like ‘Rapid Ray.’

Someone Should Wash Their Lorry

Just in case you would like to buy my latest masterpiece of feline literature or if, god forbid, you are one of the uncool few who haven’t bought my previous work of genius here are some links that will whizz you off at a click to those nice humans at www.amazon.com who can send you a copy in return for either your own money or if you can arrange it someone else’s, I have always found that using someone else’s cash is to be preferred.


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