A No News Day

Quite often I find a subject for my blog in the news and when I say news I mean the lighter than air meringue stuff that they serve on ‘news’ websites where ‘news’ usually involves stories of several fat ladies and a Yorkshire Terrier doing something heroic, such as eating their weight in Mushroom Omelettes or something.

Then there is the stuff on sites that offer in the ‘broadcasters’ opinion earth shattering news, you know the sort of thing, the latest CNN travel bag has been launched and now comes with a ten year guarantee which offers you your money back if the travel bag gets damaged so long as you never use it on airlines, French HiSpeed trains and indeed anywhere where a baggage handler might get to ply his or in some very muscular cases ‘her’ trade.

Often the non-news, as I like to call it, extends to other topics such as the Queen of England having a new hair do or a sitting for yet another painting, they both seem to be about as regular as each other.

Then there are some news orgainsations that will go to any lengths to take old news dress it up and churn over it time and again, this is usually done with over paid and unqualified celebrity presenters I can think of one new Poodle on the block who fits the bill perfectly there can’t you?

‘But’ and it is, as I often say a big one (and so in this case I will say it again), ‘but’ today the non-news is monumental the BBC News website, home of adverts for many of their up coming new programmes and mini-series, leads with a story that is entitled “Obama in final health vote push.”

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Obviously the story’s subject is very, very important but today isn’t decision day in the Senate and so there is little or no news for the idle journalists to write who are constantly being asked to find new angles, threads and much more to justify their expensive existence and that means that any ‘news’ organisation covering the ‘story’ has little or nothing to say and so they produce this sort of nonsense.

To tell the truth (something that seems to be missing from news sites these days) I am surprised that the headline on the BBC site didn’t say “Obama reminds everyone to set their alarm clocks” so that they get to work on time and are able to vote.

Surely if there were less headline non-news stories the news media would have more room for other stories that somehow get sidelined and then the real ‘news’ when it breaks would be important and less of a ‘relief’ that the story has finally died. But then what do I know I am just a Cat after all.

I am sure that you dear readers have our very own pet non-news stories and I would love to hear them.

In the meantime this clever Cat is off to hear why Africa’s Elephants are keeping scientists guessing then I might do bit of crystal ball gazing and read New US-Russia nuclear deal ‘soon’ of course after all of that I am going to do the most constructive thing you can with the Sunday newspapers, light a fire!

Don’t forget that you can get a much more interesting read here www.thecatsdiary.com for free or you can part with a bit of cash for a great read here Amazon.com

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What Do You Wish For?

Have you ever wished for something? Probably! We all have haven’t we! Poor old Tiger Woods for instance probably wished that he could hide in a hole or turn back time recently, and the Queen of England has probably wished on more than one occasion that she had clever children instead of the royally challenged bunch she ended up with.

Life is like that isn’t it? There is always something that you wouldn’t mind or something that you rather wish you had and of course it doesn’t always have to be hard cash, although the heavy chink of that in your pocket does make life a lot easier doesn’t it!

Recently I was looking out of the window at a few small birds hopping in and out and up and down the large Christmas tree that stands in the garden close to the house and thinking that it must be dreadful to be that small!

We all know that small things are nervous in the main and these birds, I’ll call them ‘Yellow Buntings’ (I have no idea what they are really but it adds some realism to the blog and they were ‘yellow’), were hopping around minding their own business and in the twitch of an eye taking to the air for no real reason, unless it was the sound of me banging my head on the window pane trying to get to know the little blighters better.

Now I have to say that I don’t really want to climb the Christmas tree outside so that isn’t the wish that came into my head while watching these little yellow hoppers, the thought that struck me as a wish was that I wished that I could fly and then I could catch birds on the wing as they say, it would make bird catching a lot easier and even up the odds a little.

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Wouldn’t it be great to be like the Bald Eagle in these pictures I found on the internet? I thought so and decided to share them with my wonderful fans.

Actually they made me revise my wish a little of course. Now I wish I could fly like a Jumbo Jet, why I hear you ask?

Well the Bald Eagle is catching a Starling in mid air and it can do that because it is big and so it is handy to be a Bald Eagle, but then again if a Jumbo Jet was flying passed while the Bald Eagle was proving just how clever and tough it was who do you think would win in a mid air collision, yes I thought so too!

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They don’t call this best selling author ‘clever’ for no reason do they?

By the way I have to ask. Has anyone wished that they owned a copy of my wonderful book? If you have then the good news is that you can of course get it safely here Amazon.com and when your wish comes true and you have my masterpiece you’ll wish that I would hurry up and finish the next book which I have to say is a corker and will be available in good bookshops and of course Amazon.com one fine day soon.

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For Me!

Do you know what my favourite words are?

Well lucky you my wonderful fans there is a clue in the title of this little blogette. Yes that is right I love to say “for me!” As you will note the ‘for me’ in question comes with an exclamation mark of joy and not a question mark, and that is because if someone feels like giving something then I am sure it has to be for me!

It is desperately sad that I actually haven’t heard those words ‘for me!’ enough recently and so I have decided that I need a treat or several dozen treats and that means that you dear readers have a responsibility to think of something wonderful you can give me and then let me know as soon as possible when I can have it.

This good looking Cat deserves it you know that, just think of the millions of people in the world who have had their days or if they are slow readers their year brightened by reading my amazingly funny book Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary available here of course Amazon.com.

And for that fact alone I am worth a present or two don’t you think to say nothing of the fact that I am simply perfect and a star among stars.

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Nothing Stranger Than The Truth

In the north of England, or to be more precise, Yorkshire, where men are men, women are women and neither wallets nor purses are opened with any pleasure there is a saying and it sort of goes like this.

“There’s nowt stranger than the truth” which means that there is nothing stranger than the truth which I imagine is true, but then the people of Yorkshire also say “Owt for nowt” as in “ye don’t git owt for nowt! which let’s face it, even to English, English speakers, is a saying that is a bit of a puzzle, let alone to the ears of the late adopters of the English language, like say Australians and Americans!

What this all means is that the world is an odd place and the things that go on in it are odd, as I am sure you will agree are the people who inhabit this odd world, which I think leads me nicely to what has happened to me recently.

As you know I have been complaining about the increasingly large amounts of junk emails that I have been getting which offer a range of things, none of which I personally either want or need. Well recently I have received a lot of emails from what according to the ‘cc’ email addresses was a ring of men.

The emails were chatty and on the surface innocent, but of course because I had no idea what they were about or who the people were that were sending them I was at a loss to explain why these seemingly harmless emails were being sent to me, so I sort of ignored them.

However ignoring the emails didn’t work and they piled up, can you imagine what it is like for a good looking cat, best selling author and all round star like me? The amount of emails and post I get is cumbersome to say the least and worse I like to reply to all of the mail if I can, especially the post with presents or cash in it and of course the wonderful letters praising my best selling book Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary which continues to sell well on Amazon.com it would be ungrateful not to do that wouldn’t it and completely unlike me I like the cash, presents and praise.

So as ignoring these harmless emails didn’t seem to be working and the men writing them seemed to think that they knew me I decided to write to one of the gentlemen and ask why he was writing to me, what he and the others in the ring wanted and so on and so forth.

The chap replied that we/they were in a Bible study group that met every Saturday lunchtime (I have a feeling in a bar, but then that is just me) and that the only problem I had was that I simply didn’t know all of the guys in the group. Now that was quite worrying, I wondered if this chap had been enjoying just a little too much of the ‘rapture’ recently if you know what I mean.

I replied several times that I didn’t know him or indeed anyone in the group and as for the Bible, I couldn’t even lift it, let alone study it! To which some of the group replied that they would see me on Saturday and others sent their apologise that they wouldn’t be coming on Saturday and hoped to seem me on the following one.

Now I know that religion blinds people to the truth, but this is taking that to the extreme isn’t it? You humans are odd you know and that is why there is a saying in Yorkshire that “there’s nowt stranger than the folk!” I suppose.

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A Quick Update!

I thought that you might like to have a quick update and discover just how many Caribbean well deserved breaks I have been offered, none is the sorry answer and frankly I am disappointed I expected more of my lovely fans.

Worse the light rain has turned to sleet outside and that seems to be getting heavier and that means snow, just what the doctor didn’t order I can tell you.

So come on my rich and wonderful fans or even my wonderfully rich fans don’t be shy make me an offer I can’t refuse and help me to recover from this terribly long winter under a shady palm tree on a white sandy beach.

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It Stopped Snowing Here

Did you notice that it stopped snowing on my website and my blog? Hope so it was nice while it lasted but frankly I think that you my lovely fans probably got a little bored with it didn’t you?

If you did get bored with the snow then you will probably sympathise with my plight here in the heart of Europe, it had been snowing since just before Christmas and then it stopped after two months when it was impossible for yours truly to even attempt to peer over the top of the stuff.

When it stopped I thought to myself thank goodness for that what a relief and all of the things that you think to yourself in that sort of situation, but guess what? It started again, then it thawed and then it started again and in between since Christmas we have had probably two days free from snow and that frankly is just too much to bear.

So I have decided that I would like one of my rich fans to invite me to a warm sunny (preferably Caribbean) place for a bit of a holiday I think I deserve it.

Do let me know what you can offer and I will in turn inform the lucky fan when I want them to book the travel.

In the meantime have a great Spring, it has started hasn’t it?

Prawns With Feelings!

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People are surprised when I say that I read, but frankly it isn’t anything special is it? ‘Reading’ that is, not being ‘surprised!’ In fact being surprised is a little boring if like some people you are surprised all the time, because it means that you haven’t got much in the way of an imagination.

People are also surprised when I talk to them, a Cat that talks “what did they put in my coffee?” People usually ask, then they ask if I am a ‘special’ Cat and of course as well as being clever and a good looking Cat I am special, but not in the sense that has been used to denigrate people (and this Cat once) I hasten to add.

It is odd what some people think is normal and other people think is ‘unusual’ isn’t it? But when all is said, read and done I am mostly just a regular Cat who happens to read, talk and of course write wonderful books what make people split stitches – literally and literary if you see what I mean.

Just read one of the lovely reviews on Amazon.com if you chose to disbelieve me, which by the way is a great insult to Cats because we can’t, as I have said before, ‘lie’ which is a terrible shame if you want to know, and has hampered my career I am sure.

So to prove I am just a regular ordinary Joe type of Cat I thought I would talk about Prawns again, I was reading the other day that scientists have discovered that Prawns have feelings, no honestly they have!

I must say I thought it was a bit daft when I read it and imagined all of the Prawns who’s feelings I had obviously hurt in the past, poor little fellows.

Then I started to think about the scientists. What an odd bunch they must be to actually be interested in Prawns’ feelings in the first place, then as my mind burrowed deeper in to the whole Prawn feeling thing I started to wonder just what the research goals of the scientists was.

Did they think that Prawns’ feeling might be easier to research and study than humans? Did they think that by discovering if Prawns had feelings then they could use that information in say space, or industry? I wonder and of course doubt that they could.

Then I thought what a load of nonsense humans get up to. Then I decided that I would like to offer a nice home to anyone who has either very delighted or depressed Prawns, I know a great way to make them happy and of course become so much happier myself.

Lastly, though of course with me you don’t know that this paragraph will in fact be the last one of course, I must apologise for mentioning Prawns again, it is I have to say a bit of a habit with me, but I suppose it proves that I am just a Cat after all!

Finally tee hee and oops! I thought there was another paragraph in me – you can learn all about Prawns in my ‘un-put-down-able’ book I suggest that if you haven’t bought it Amazon.com is as good a place as any to get it, your eyes will love you and if you don’t laugh a lot then I will eat my words – so long as they are ‘Prawns, Prawns, Prawns…’ yes I am sure you get the picture!

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Today Is A Time!

This good looking and clever Cat has just worked out that today is special, or to put it another way the date is special it is 10.2.10 which if you say it is actually a time – ten to ten!

Mmmh what a shame I didn’t think of that earlier and had two minutes silence at ten to ten because that would have been two at ten to ten and that must be special mustn’t it?

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We’re A Bit Worried Here!

It’s Ginger! Well it would be wouldn’t it, he seems to have slipped away during the party, not it is ok not that sort of slipped away like when people talk about you after you have frozen in the path of an oncoming car for too long, not he popped out with some friends.

I have uploaded the most recent picture of Ginger I could find in a hurry it is from his failed or as he put it “yet to be refined” walking on air experiment.

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Actually one or two of the slack mouths around here said that Ginger and his friends had gone off somewhere to enjoy an eight of Catnip but I don’t think that can be right he hates the stuff, well since the overdose that is!

I have every faith, including probably a lot of misplaced faith, that he will turn up somewhere, he always does, unless he is angry for some reason then he can sulk for ages but don’t worry his butt is worse then his bite, if you know what I mean and I think I do!

The trouble is that it is still snowing here and has been since before Christmas and it is cold enough to really annoy any brass monkey, so if Ginger is outside he could be completely Cap’n Scott by now couldn’t he? If you know what I mean!

It was something of an anniversary for the good Cap’n Scott and the lads recently, I believe it was one or two hundred years since they decided to see if you could get to the South Pole just wearing a string vest, knitted mittens and a smile.

Sadly some Norwegians had beaten him to the South Pole in a Volvo and left what they thought was a funny note “We beat you here” it said, obviously Norwegians are better at Polar exploring than telling jokes.

But the good news for Cap’n Scott and his chums was that when news of their deaths reached Britain they all instantly became heroes. It is the British way to make heroes out of failures and legends out of disasters, hence Gordon of Khartoum who faced millions of really annoyed ‘fuzziwuzzies’ as people, such as the good people of Khartoum, were called back in ‘Chinese Gordon’s’ time (that was his nickname, no I don’t know why either).

It is understood that General Gordon who instantly became “Gordon of Khartoum” died because of an unfortunate clerical misprint and a dreadful diplomatic error!

It is believed that the thousands of people who gathered outside General Gordon’s offices waving spears and wearing frowns were actually complaining about their gas bills and had simply gone to the wrong address – the one at the top of their gas bills.

Chinese Gordon, annoyed at the noise outside went out to meet the rabble with a loaded pistol which he emptied into the crowd.

Not long after General Gordon’s death the gas company quietly changed the address on the gas bills and the British government instructed all British residents living in foreign countries not to answer their doors with a loaded pistol.

Needless to say in true Dunkirk spirit General Gordon was brought home and buried with full honours, his actions were rewritten and a painting was produced to ‘assist’ the new ‘facts’ and another British legend was born.

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Of course it isn’t only personal disasters that the British celebrate, bless them, by rewriting history and creating heroes, just read about British military history and you’ll learn all about The Charge of the Light Brigade, Dunkirk, Operation Market Garden and many more glorious military escapes, and of course the idiots involved and in charge of those farces were all promoted!

To tell the truth – and of course Cats can be relied on to do just that, which is at times a bit of a chink in our character armour as far as I am concerned – this good looking Cat has a bit of a soft spot for poor old Cap’n Scott because he was obviously a bit of a character as I am sure were his pals, if you want to read an extract from his ‘alternative’ diary there is a little snippet in my wonderful best selling book “Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary” which is available at all really great bookstores and of course Amazon.com.

There are quite a few snippets of diary of famous British failures who of course are national heroes in the UK, well I had run out of things to write and so I thought, now what would Livingstone say here and the rest is a best seller.

By the way Ginger has just turned up, he wasn’t outside at all, apparently he had another of his little ‘episodes,’ he said that he slipped into the airing cupboard and got entangled in a pair or probably two pairs of ladies (I presume) tights!

I wonder about Ginger sometimes, he has been wrapped up in nylons for three days and didn’t try to very hard to escape, that is odd isn’t it, it isn’t just me, is it?

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The Cat Thanks Everyone

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This good looking Cat would like to thank everyone who came to the ‘Bring A Prawn Dance!’ last Saturday/Sunday and for some hardened party goers Monday too!

All in all we had a wonderful time in general and as you can see from the picture it got just a little wild.

Actually I do wish that I had used a picture on the invitations because some people and I won’t mention any names here brought err, how can I put this – oh yes – complete idiots, instead of Prawns.

Apparently a ‘Prawn’ in the human language can also mean a person who is not only not quite the ticket and has bought a bus ticket when they should have got one for a train, what can I say?

Well I suppose I could say that we had a right royal time with the idiots, but I won’t because a lot of people have accused me recently of being a bit of a royal basher and those who know me will agree that isn’t true, give me a choice between a Prawn and a royal and I will always eat the Prawn!

Actually I heard from a ‘reliable’ source that a well known royal had bought my best selling book and loved it, apparently it props the drawing room door open perfectly!

I wonder if they bought it here at Amazon.com that would have been nice.

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