See me for details!
Have you noticed that Cats tend to rarely be invited into churches of any denomination along with all of the others of god’s creations apart from humans.
A fact that has always puzzled me and that is because there are let’s face it a lot of bad humans who are greedy and do dreadful things especially bankers, Arabs in Dubai to name but a few.
On the other hand all Animals tend to get along well in the end and don’t do a lot wrong in general. There is obviously the odd isolated case of one animal eating the other but they do that because they are hungry so shouldn’t be blamed for that.
I don’t know about you but I have never heard of a war between the Animals on the planet except humans of course, it is amazing that humans are allowed inside churches at all isn’t it!
I am happy to tell you that one of my spies spotted my book on American TV last night. And although the spy couldn’t tell me which show it was duh! Apparently my book looked every bit as good on TV as it does in the hand.
Have you got your copy yet, no! Well the best place to get it is here Amazon.com and if you want to ensure that it is a work of absolutely pure genius then you can get a sneak peek here at my ‘www‘- wickedly, wonderful website.
I have to say that you won’t be disappointed with my wonderful book if has been described as excellent and that is from people nice enough to comment on it on the Amazon site, and of course now if you haven’t read it you run the risk of not being able to talk about it at parties. So what are you waiting for?
It will of course make a wonderful Christmas present for humans and Cats of all ages.
The latest and biggest news is that Cat World 2 is now a reality and will most likely be set in the now nearly derelict Olympic Park, Beijing.
The small chaps in the grey trouser suits have come up triumphs and even offered yours truly diplomatic status if the Cat World debacle gets any worse and this Cat has to do a Houdini if you get my meaning.
Aren’t they just the greatest? You can see why China without even the talent, culture or resources will one day become the most powerful nation on the earth can’t you? They just don’t have any scruples what so ever, gosh they could even teach Russia a few things in that department.
Actually I believe they teaching the Borises a few things because the very dangerous Mr. P has been toddling off to see the lads over there for a few bottles of nice cold Tsingtaos and some lessons in one party politics just recently.
Between you and me, and I know that you can keep a secret, I was a little surprised that the SinoSids welcomed me with such open arms, of course I was a little wary I have, after all, heard the Chinese Takeaway horror stories and didn’t fancy being a fancy menu item, but this was an investment opportunity that cannot be missed.
When I asked if Cat was off the national menu the lads from the central party committee just couldn’t stop laughing and Won, Ding or Dong I couldn’t remember which one was which, nearly choked on his ice cold Tsingtao. They do all look alike. But anyway after he finished chuckling he said that most of the Proles in the country couldn’t even afford to feed their families Rat let alone Cat so I was quite safe!
So do watch this space, although I have a feeling now that we have an agreement things will go quiet for a while and I can talk about something else on my blog.
One last thing though. It is a little after the first of December as you can tell by the date on this blog, I have to ask if you have started ordering your copies of my wonderful book “Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary,” which is available to all for a small fee at Amazon.com or if you are in need of a laugh you can go to my ‘www‘- wickedly, wonderful website, and don’t waste your money going to see this pile of rubbish.
Hello everyone, it’s The Cat here, I got up today expecting to see the TV news and copies of all of the serious newspapers carrying more stories about the financial collapse of Cat World, the mega Office, Shopping, Hotel, Entertainment and Holiday destination which ran in to very minor financial difficulties recently, I mean is $80 billion really a lot of money these days?
But happily I couldn’t see any reference to the project, the missing cash, my good self or my rather mediocre bunch of idiots that comprises the board of directors, all I might add either appointed by banks or governments.
It is a bit of a relief not to see constant references to ‘Fat-Cats’ I have to say with my face splashed here there and everywhere.
So I suppose thanks to the sort attention spans of the media and the forget full nature of the people in the streets, that’s you the taxpayers who will no doubt pick up the bill for this little lot, I can safely say that we have got away with this, but then we did learn a lot from the good people at Bank of America, RBS and my chums at Lehman Brothers.
In fact some of my old muckers at Lehman Bros. and I are as we speak planning and of course financing Cat World 2.
Cat World 2 is going to be bigger, better and more expensive than the first Cat World and it may even be built before the first Cat World, currently we are looking at three locations around the world where the governments are how can we put this ‘lenient’ enough to lets us build in a place that is at the moment natural and unspoilt.
Watch this space for more exciting information and don’t forget contact us soon if you want to be in on the ground floor. We are accepting initial investments of $100,000 and that is a bargain for this baby.
After 6 hours of talks today with our financial advisers we are now able to tell the world what they have suggested. The first suggestion is one that we have adopted immediately and that is that we advise all of our investors not to panic and remain calm or at least try to get control of themselves.
The advisers went on to suggest that there happily is a very simple resolution to this very minor hiatus in the liquidity of Cat World which is due in part to the enormous record beating amounts of money that we borrowed to launch Cat World, to say nothing of the rate at which we spent that money, happily all of these little setbacks can be resolved by borrowing even more money and that is exactly what we intend to do starting today.
With this sagely advice in mind we have launched the CW2F or Cat World 2 Fund which offers investors the opportunity to invest truly Madoffian amounts of cash secured against a 9th rights and share issue and our solemn promise that all investors will receive either their money back plus interest or a piece of some of the most exciting island and coastal real estate in the middle of the east, a place where they can retire in the sun and sand and watch the lagoon waters rising as global warming really begins to bite. Uh-ok!
Privately my advisers whispered to me – run Cat, RUN, as fast as you can!
As with all financial disasters, it is always the little man in the street who suffers most; and we here at Cat World don’t want that to happen this time! Not that we are suggesting that Cat World is in a disastrous financial state and facing almost immediate ruin, oh no we aren’t suggesting that at all!
But this time we are going to make sure that the little man is as safe as one of the houses, shops or office blocks that we have developed on our manmade lagoon islands. And how are you going to do that I hear you ask quite rightly?
Well for all small investors under 4ft 6ins tall we are going to offset the value of your risk according to your height then assemble all of these risks into several thousand Premium Financial Instruments and then once they are assembled we will roll them into a ‘Vertically Challenged Bond’ or VCB.
We will then offer our VCB bonds to a very select and exclusive group of investors through our Merchant Bankers. This group of very wealthy and exclusive individuals is known as the ‘Anyone Group’ and our Merchant Bankers have guaranteed that Anyone will be able to invest in our VCB bonds, and, furthermore they have also pledged that all taxpayers will be able to invest in this premium financial product the VCB bond twice allowing enormous rewards for us Cat World and the directors of our Merchant Bank.
My dear friends and investors, I would like to take a moment to talk about some articles in the gutter press, such as The Financial Times, the Wall Street Journal and of course the BBC damn their keyboards, that report some ‘problems’ that we here are having at Cat World.
What can I say except – financial problems? What financial problems? There is talk I believe that after borrowing several hundred billion dollars from friends, relatives and complete strangers and spending it in a wise fashion, very quickly, that we can’t meet the repayments.
Nothing, I have to say is further from the truth we can meet the repayments on these world record loans, we just want to wait a few years to do that, then at a time when the dollar, which it is true we have helped to cripple, is worth as much as the chocolate filled tinfoil coins on a Christmas tree we’ll make some repayments.
Our advisers, ex board members of the Bank of Credit and Commerce, have assured us that this is not only perfectly legal but something which is done everyday in the banking world.
So my fellow board members of Cat World the wonderful entertainment, holiday destination, business centre and housing complex and I want to squash all of these dreadful rumours before they get out of hand and do something terrible, like say adversely affect the world’s stock exchanges, we would like to do that but unfortunately we are off on holiday and will get back to you later.
You know something really sad just occurred to me and that is that some poor souls out there in humanland might just not know what a Prawn is!
Or worse they might have for all of their lives miss out on the beauty, elegance and crunchiness of Prawns, which are for those of you who don’t know less crunchy when they are shelled.
In fact I have to say that I really only recommend eating Prawns when they are shelled, but if an unshelled prawns slips out of a human’s hand and then slithers across the floor at you what do you do, you crunch don’t you obviously.
In America the land of the big, they call Prawns Shrimp, I don’t really know why but I do know that Shrimp are, how can I put this err – ‘built.’ They are an enormous dream come true, well for this Cat at least!
So I hope that I have cleared up any confusion and that everyone, because that is the number of people who read my blog, knows what a Prawn is, but remember one Prawn is all very well but they are better when they come by the gross then they are 144 little packages of pink delight.