Bing’s Confusion Or Is It Mine? Either Way I Don’t Need A Nanny!

Do we live in a nannist world? I think so because everything we do seems to be monitored, filtered and checked to ensure that we don’t hurt ourselves physically or mentally by doing things like err living.

That is daft isn’t it? We, both humans and animals are living our lives in a big and dangerous place, it is called the world, which is full of all sorts of dreadful stuff that is just waiting to bite you and worse in Iran if you are a married woman and have a bit of a slap and tickle with a man who isn’t your husband you are liable to get stoned to death! But then happily the rest of the world isn’t as looney as the chaps in long dresses in Tehran, no wonder Iranian women wear clothing that only shows their eyes, it is obviously for protection because Iranian and indeed Arab men are some of the randiest bunch of perverts in the world and will leap on anything unless it is clearly marked ‘untouchable’ as in a poor woman wearing a full body cover, though even that doesn’t very well and worse I’ve heard even the goats in Iran are asking to wear the ḥijāb these days for protection!

But is the civilised world ‘that’ dangerous? Or are we both humans and Cats being saved from ourselves before we have actually put ourselves in harms way? I have to say that this clever Cat thinks so.

Why? I hear you ask, well the answer is simple. As you probably know I loathe www.Google.com and that means that for all of my search requirements, spying, snooping and or news gathering I use www.Bing.com.

Frankly Bing isn’t much better than www.Google.com but at least by using Bing I stop www.Google.com snooping and spying on me by not using their services and I heartily suggest and recommend that you do the same and do it fast.

Anyway www.Bing.com is as good or as bad at what it does as Google usually, but I have noticed one or two annoying things about www.Bing.com and to date this is the most annoying thing…

Just like the search engine Microsoft copied when they wrote Bing’s software Google you can’t personalise your copy and so if you have an inclination or indeed a requirement to change the default search options you can only do that for one session and then they default back to what Microsoft – opps sorry we are supposed to call Bing ‘Bing’ because Microsoft is so unpopular – wants you to use for your own good of course!

So what does that mean exactly? Well I wanted some pictures of a lovely place in England in the county of Devon, the place is called “Saunton Sands” and as the name suggests Saunton is on the coast and has a few miles of sand.

So I typed in Saunton Sands and got this message from good old Bing and no pictures at all.

“The search for Saunton Sands devon may contain explicit adult content and has been filtered” etc…. etc… as you can see from the picture of the daft screen message. Well I know I spelt devon with a lowercase ‘d’ but what is offensive about any or all of the words that I used in the search? Beats the f**king, c**p out of any of the logical reasons I can think of.

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So I had to turn the filter off and risk explicit adult pictures of “Saunton Sands devon” and here is the result, obviously don’t look if you are of a delicate disposition or if sand, sun and sea have a debilitating effect on you or indeed arouse you in anyway what so ever.

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Where are the naked ladies and other pervert’s pleasures? The only thing that is naked is the wonderful sands at Saunton, although because it is in England it will be covered in litter I expect.

Sometimes I despair of this world and all of the idiots in it, except of course for my lovely fans and readers I love them all you are the intelligent ones, mainly because you like my Best Selling Book of course.

Oh don’t forget to bully someone you know into ordering my book here Amazon.com.

Guess what I have a very few first edition copies that are signed which you can order from my very own website here www.thecatsdiary.com.

These wonderful pristine copies of my best seller are a little more expensive than the ones at Amazon.com because of the cost of postage from the sweltering Czech republic sorry about that! But on the other hand these babies are worth a small fortune I noticed the other day at a specialist bookshop, but from my website they cost a tenth of the price so get someone else’s credit card now and burn some plastic.

Oh by the way, did you know that it was today, the 16th of July in 1918 that the Tzar and all of the royal family were ‘dealt’ with by the Russians?

Now I am not suggesting that the way they were dealt with was ‘good’ in any way, but I hope that the British royal family take a minute or two today to realise what happens when you rob the people all of the time and continually ask for more money because your palaces are falling down.

Oh and maybe they could send the Russian Royal Family’s jewellery back to Russia. The British royal family bought a lot of the more glittery baubles on the quiet after the Tzar and his family had no further use for them not many people know that – if you are wondering what it is like to be in a dead Tzarina’s Tiara – well simple just ask the British queen!

Here is a nice picture of the ‘poor’ British queen wearing The Russian Kokoshnik Tiara which was bought after the messy business of July 16th 1918.

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Bad Kitty Oscar the Cat Burglar

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The owners of a Cat called Oscar have reported him to the police because he has developed a bit of a bad habit.

Oscar has stolen dozens of knickers and other unusual items of clothing from his neighbour’s gardens. Unfortunately where Oscar went wrong and his crime was discovered was that he obviously hadn’t thought his crime through properly and arranged for a fence to buy the haul of over 70 items of mainly ladies underwear. All of which meant that as Oscar’s habit grew so did the pile of washing in outside the back door of his home in Gordon Avenue, Southampton, England.

For a while it seems Oscar attempted in vain to control his larcenous underwear habit and concentrated on stealing Gardening Gloves, but as his massive collection of ladies ‘frillies’ demonstrates underwear was his first and only love and he soon went back to ‘collecting’ whatever lacy little numbers he could find, some 55 items from his colourful collection no less.

Frightened that their neighbour’s might start to think that there was a pervert, at worst or a petty thief at best, lurking in their shrubbery Oscar’s humans Mr. and Mrs. Weismantel decided that enough was enough and alerted the local police.

Happily Oscar wasn’t taken down to the police station because as usual the police were at a loss as to what to do about this clever Cat Burglar and were unable to help, but then they aren’t all that good as solving crimes.

It is clear that Oscar’s run in with the law has had absolutely no effect upon his little hobby and he happily and brazenly has stepped up his campaign to ‘own’ all of the underwear in his neighbourhood and it is understood from a local loose mouthed Tabby that Oscar is on the look out for a couple of thongs to add to his collection of smalls and of course ‘bigs’ – the area is a number of pensioners who have also fallen prey to Oscar’s ‘indulgences.’

The Cat thinks that this hero should watch out though because it is understood that Vets have been contacted from the local Cat’s Protection League – a charity and not a Mafia style crime operation – and they have stated that “though it is unusual for a Cat to bring underwear back to his or her humans it is not uncommon for Cat’s to offer presents as a token of appreciation to their humans and indeed as a means of paying their way for their food and a roof over their head.”

Obviously this is drivel the notion that Cats would want to reward humans for looking after them is very distasteful to this Cat and I am sure all Cats in the world who of course consider themselves to be ornamental and by their very existence allow the humans who care for them to be rewarded with the satisfaction of knowing that they are doing a difficult job extremely well.

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Oscar Wilde and Me

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Oscar Wilde knew a thing or two about journeys and diaries and was once over heard saying.

“I never travel without my diary, one should always have something sensational to read in the train.”

If Oscar was alive today I know in my paws that he would want to take my diary with him and he would have been clever enough to get it here Amazon.com though of course as a fellow author and genius he probably would have liked me to earn even more cash and order my masterpiece from my wickedly wonderful website or www www.thecatsdiary.com.

Of course I am not saying that my Diary would eclipse his – only that it is as well written.

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Trousers for Charity – Not Forgetting Shorts

After yesterday’s blog about the enormous number of Summer Gifts that I have been sent and my comments about the uselessness of Trousers and Shorts from a Cat’s perspective, which is frankly much reduced to a humans normally, unless of course we happen to be in a tree of on top of a kitchen cupboard.

Well you can rest assured that it wasn’t me that wasted them, I have been sending bumper parcels of those Trousers and Shorts to an African charity in the hope that they would do some good to your mankind, a selfless act (I thought – because I paid the shipping) that would be very well received by people who don’t have much and the sum total of that adds up to nothing.

Imagine my surprise then when the bumper parcels were returned with a very polite note saying that African charities prefer to receive only gifts of cash, because you can’t by a Kalashnikov AK-47 with either Trousers or Shorts or indeed any other weapon of choice in the bush.

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Summer Gifts Are Pouring In!

Summer gifts are pouring in at the moment, probably because it is Summer and I am a very worthy cause, just ask yourself this question if you doubt that, how many starving Africans take your money and gifts and then make to laugh? None right!

So, I would like to thank everyone who has been kind enough to send me a gift, but also offer this feline anatomical observation. Cat’s as a rule use four legs to get around on and so shorts and other types of garments designed for the two legged amongst us are pretty useless, this advice should especially apply to Carol of Surrey who I think may believe that I am a cross between Terry Pratchett’s “Amazing Maurice” and Dick Whittington’s Pantomime Cat!

On a personal level therefore “Carol no more shorts please and that especially applies to the purple plaid ones.”

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The Most Embarrassing Name In The World!

Are you like pensioners I wonder who seem to have all the time in the world when they are waiting to have hip replacements and other enormously costly surgeries to help drain the taxed income of us all?

Why I ask is that pensioners have time to think and frankly I can’t wait to be one for a lot of reasons. The first and probably most important reason is that I will be able to recoup all of the taxes that I have paid and of course receive so much more in benefits, healthcare and the like, which you have to admit is a tempting prospect. But more than that, I will be able to have time to think while the pensioners lucky enough to be up ahead of me on the various hospital waiting lists and benefit queues have all manner of important and frivolous procedures carried out on them by health professionals so that they can live even longer and drain so much more money out of the ‘system’ before they complain for their last time.

What I am talking about when I say that I will have time to think is just that, time to sit in a recliner somewhere and actually use whatever portion of grey matter is left by then. And one of the things I want to think about and indeed if I can provide a definitive answer for, is what is the most embarrassing name in the world?

I also want to find the source of snot, you know the runny stuff in the nose, Livingstone found the source of the Nile so it shouldn’t be too difficult, but then that is changing the subject and that is not a good thing to do when writing, which is a shame really because this adorable genius does it all too often.

So which name do you think is the most embarrassing name in the world? Is it a first name like Dick or is it a second name like Hitler?

Obviously I haven’t arrive yet at ‘the’ name because I am not a pensioner and don’t have much time to think about these things, but I have a few candidates which I thought I would share with you and of course I hope that you send in your own suggestions, I also hope that you buy my book – as they say I don’t wish for a lot do I.

Somewhere at the top of any list of the most embarrassing names in the world has to be anyone who is unfortunate enough to have the last name Hitler, and if their first name is Adolf well then! Still Adolf Hitler isn’t the worst name in the world because help is at hand in the form of a free name changing service provided by the German government to change your name if it just happens to be Hitler and you aren’t that happy with it though it has to be said that not all Germans who are called Hitler want to change their names, which is rather revealing isn’t it?

Personally I think that the Saudi government should immediately provide the same service for anyone called Bin Laden because it must be really very difficult to get on an airliner if your name is Bin Laden. Although the real Bin Laden’s family were, and probably still are, residents of the US so presumably they aren’t worried about the name which all means that neither the names Hitler nor Bin Laden are really at the top of the list of worst names in the world.

I have to say high on my list of the worst names in the world would be Poo Bear – imagine a Bear made of Poo and you will see where I am coming from, but still I don’t think that Poo Bear is the worst name in the world do you Disney don’t do they, although they are concerned that Poo’s revenue stream is not as strong as it should be?

Happily we do have a little help in our search for the worst name in the world and that is because of the www (wheally wonderful web) and the gigantic but gorgeous Oprah Winfrey who you may remember devoted a whole show to the worst name in the world. In my opinion it could have been a series because it was by far and away the most interesting show the large but lovely presenter had ever presented.

Here are some of the names that come up time and again but still I think that we haven’t found the ‘big one,’ do tell me what you think and don’t forget to send in your own suggestions as well.

Dick Assman who comes from Canada – he would wouldn’t he! Actually Ramsbottom is a very ‘popular’ (if that is the right word) surname from Yorkshire and one can imagine just what it would be like for Dick Assman to meet a member of the Ramsbottom clan, things would get out of hand!

Still these names aren’t bad enough though are they! They are on a par with the idiot translator’s name John Woodcock apparently at school he was called ‘Timber Tool’ or worse ‘Splinter Pr**k’ but the scars have mostly healed and so Woodcock, though not a name I would choose to live my life with, is not the winner here.

Below is a list of other contenders but still we don’t have one that stands head and shoulders above the rest although the German name of the British Royal family is a bit of a horror and was only replaced by Windsor during the Second World War, just proving that they are the enemy!

Horniman
Smellie
Pigg
Sidebottom
Saxe-Coburg-Gotha
the German one mentioned above.

All of the above proves that when I become a pensioner I will have a lot of time to think about the worst name, although I swear once years ago my colleagues and I were listening to BBC Radio 4 and a German expert was introduced to talk about something or the other and his name was Klaus Shirtlifter which you have to admit is not only a contender but also a word not to be played with. I remember we all looked up from doing the clever stuff we were doing and said “Klaus Shirtlifter!” In a variety of disbelieving tones.

Here is the coat of arms of the royal family before they changed their name as you can see as typical Germans their emblems are printed on top of the British ones to show who won the war etc. Though quiet where the Welsh disappeared to no one knows.

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Summer Has Come To The Czech republic

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It is that time of year again! Summer is here at last. Sadly the supreme being who created peadophiles, rapists, slums, poverty, cruelty and all of the other gifts that ‘he’ gave us convinced the Czechs, and indeed a lot of other misguided people in the surrounding area such as the Germans, Slovaks and what not, that they should leave their clothes in a pile somewhere and ‘enjoy’ the sun’s rays the way that ‘he’ had intended – au naturel!

What the misguided people in the surrounding area such as the Germans, Slovaks and in particular the Czech don’t seem to know is that nature au naturel is rather attractive, but their naked white bodies blistering in the sun’s microwaves are not, I wonder how one small but clever Cat can get through to these misguided hordes of naked humans and convince them to wear something and please not a thong and a frown like the French do at the beach?

Frankly I don’t know how to go about convincing the entire continent to cover up, I did think about naming and shaming but there are too many of the buggers, then I thought about showing photographs of them to a wider audience in the hope that the world would campaign against these lovers of nature but if I did that my lovely blog would look like one of ‘those’ sites that you get when you mistype some url’s and we can’t have that can we? I am a lot of things and have been called most but I’m not a pornographic pussy if you see what I mean.

So I am at a loss on how to stop all of this vast and unwelcome exposure of human flesh, you know sometimes I wish I was a politician because they are really rather good at cover ups aren’t they!

The trouble with being a good looking Cat I suppose I just don’t understand humans sometimes, what on earth gets into them that they have to take their clothes off and try to improve the beauty of a wooded, lakeside beauty spot.

What is worse is that from my lofty offices up here where the Barrandov Film Studios are I can actually see… sorry I just don’t have the vocabulary to describe what I can see or indeed the stomach!

Unfortunately there is one other problem today and that is what photograph to use in my pretty blog and so here is the only thing that I could think of it – is a suggestion of apparel for Czechs and the other misguided people in Europe to wear when they want to be ‘au naturel’ in nature.

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Here are the instructions for using fig leaves for the more simple minded ie the entire nations of France Germany, Slovakia and of course the Czech Republic.

Men should wear one fig leaf and women three and men try to resist choosing a fig leaf that is too big you will only look ridiculous, and never wear a fig leave with any figs attached that would only lead to ‘complications’ and increased female expectations that I couldn’t possibily describe here!

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Cats Are Not Pests!

Some of you humans have a lot to answer for you know. I saw the dreadful Google.com had pasted this ad onto my blog page here.

“If this silent cat repelling device fails to get rid
of that pesky cat you pay nothing.
pestcontrol.netfirms.com

Firstly I would like to say that the title of this blog “CAT’S ARE NOT PESTS” is true and secondly I would like you good readers to never ever click in the link of this disgusting pest control firm you do that for me? (A nice smile is added here) the trouble is that as you will know from my book available here Amazon.com that Cats aren’t very good at smiling, it tends to make us look more than a little evil, and of course I hate, loathe and detest the smiley faces you see in emails and everywhere else on the web almost as much as pestcontrol.netfirms.com.

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Well Done Oscar I’m Proud Of You

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A very brave Cat called Oscar who had his back feet severed by a combine harvester has been given two prosthetic limbs in a pioneering operation by a UK vet and this Cat would like to say well done Oscar I am very, very proud of you to not only get the new legs but also to get something back for all Cats after your visit to a vet, as we know it is usually the other way around.

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Oscar’s new feet are actually custom-made implants that “peg” the ankle to the foot. They are bioengineered to mimic the way deer antler bone grows through the skin. Oscar’s amazing operation which was the first of its type was done by Noel Fitzpatrick, a veterinary surgeon based in Surrey.

It is possible, in time, that Oscar’s operation might be replicated on humans and of course it is nice to know that yet again the bravest and most intelligent animals on the planet lead the way for the taller ones.

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When Charity Goes Absolutely Bonkers!

Recently a 77 year old widow who lives in Norfolk a rural, tranquil backwater of England decided that she couldn’t live without a Cat, a very sensible view in my opinion, and so Mrs. Margaret Baker contacted a charity called Feline Care to see if she could adopt a Cat.

Mrs. Baker then went along to the charity’s Cat sanctuary and fell in love with a Bengal Cat called Lilly, it was about then that the charity’s cold hearted madness began.

First the charity said that they would have to ‘vet’ Mrs. Baker, which I suppose is reasonable. Of course Mrs. Baker agreed because she dearly wanted Lilly as a companion, because her husband Ted had recently died, but frankly the word ‘vetting’ sends a chill up my spine because I remember being ‘vetted’ and I still think to this day that I lost something in the ‘vetting’ process. I just hope that Mrs. Baker’s ‘vetting’ was a newer different type of ‘vetting.

After ‘vetting’ Mrs. Baker the charity called her with the rather bad news that in their opinion she lived in the wrong postcode area (post codes are like zip codes) and so she couldn’t have a cat. Feline Care apparently turned down Mrs. Baker’s application because her home of 38 years on Abbey Estate in Thetford, Norfolk (pictured below), was deemed by them to be in too rough an area for a Cat, they didn’t mention whether it was dangerous for pensioners in their ‘esteemed’ opinion.

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Mrs Baker was rightly absolutely speechless and said:

“I was numb then I put the phone down and just burst into tears.”

In their defence Feline Care said that they had heard of reports of Dogs attacking Cats in the area but didn’t seem to have the supporting documentation to hand. Since this terrible disappointment Mrs. Baker has adopted a British Grey Cat called Smokey, who is a rather good looking Cat in this Cat’s opinion, because life didn’t seem to have much of a point anymore.

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Mrs. Baker said: “When I went out I realised that when I came back home I hated it. There was nothing to come back to. You could say that my husband Ted and I were joined at the hip and we did everything together.”

Smokey sounds as though he will be the perfect partner for Mrs. Baker because he is obviously a house Cat and therefore won’t be worried about Dogs who chase Cats and not knowing where the closest tree is.

With the last words on the subject Mrs. Baker said:

“Now I’ve got Smokey I don’t mind coming home any more.”

The Cat’s thoughts!

So did Feline Care get it right? Well as you can see from the picture above of the Abbey Estate it doesn’t look much like anywhere else in rundown, redundant Britain and sadly the Abbey Estate and its inhabitants have probably seem the ‘best’ times that they will have because of the economic mess Britain is in.

Is the estate only fit for humans and Dogs and not Cats as you can see in the picture the speed limit if it is enforced would be helpful, there are trees and some grass and on balance it looks ok and although choosey, this Cat believes that he could live there as obviously so does Smokey who already seems at home on Mrs. Baker’s armchair, though I have a feeling that Smokey really wishes Mrs. Baker would move so he could stretch out in the chair.

Smokey does has that ‘stoaty’ look that Cat’s have when they want something and the chair is a no brainer, better still he is rejecting the Cat treat Mrs. Baker is offering him, on the spoon in her right hand, a clear indication that he gets a good few Cat treats.

Yes this Cat believes that Smokey is truly at home on the Abbey Estate in the wonderful care of Mrs. Baker and is better off for it, let’s face the hard reality as a stray Cat he has a 70% chance that he would not survive on any street anywhere for more than a week or so and the figures are worse in places the undeveloped world like India and don’t forget he could become a dinner course in China.

Of course this Cat understands that charities such as Feline Care have to protect the Cats that they rehouse and indeed have an obligation to the good people who support them financially, but a lot of Cats are what is known in Catty circles as ‘home Cats’ they tend to not want to go out and are really happy to be indoors on a convenient lap or stretched out above a radiator in the Winter.

Surely Feline Care have Cats like these to offer pensioners who themselves a bit like home birds? Well that is what this clever Cat thinks although of course this Cat is definitely an outdoor Cat of the world as you all know from my wonderful book available at places such as Amazon.com and my wickedly wonderful website or www www.thecatsdiary.com

In my considered opinion you should really think hard and long about giving money to any charities because firstly not much of your hard earned cash actually goes to doing what they say they are going to be doing, especially the big global charities like Oxfam, Greenpeace, Christian Aid, Amnesty International or indeed the much smaller though no less bossy and opinionated charities like Feline Care.

To be brutally honest charities actually do very little good with the money that you entrust to them because they have large prestigious offices to maintain in so many different countries, CEO’s on extremely generous salary and benefit packages, vast numbers of staff and worse they are increasingly connected to governments and not adverse in lecturing you and I, the common or garden people and Cats, on what we should be doing with our lives and that isn’t right is it?

But by far and away worst of all charities not only have a significant contributions from the public they are constantly given enormous amounts of money by governments, UN and other funds to spend but still they ask for more and more.

Whatever you do when the charities show the next humbling picture of poverty, neglect or heart wrenching torment don’t forget the last crises in Africa was manufactured by them just to get the general public to drop money in their tins. Maybe it is time charities became a lot more accountable in every way!

Still after all is said and done and the hot air has settled this Cat hopes that Mrs. Baker and Smokey are happy together, there are too many lonely people in the world to say nothing of the number of Cats without a home!

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