Cat World – The Latest News!

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After 6 hours of talks today with our financial advisers we are now able to tell the world what they have suggested. The first suggestion is one that we have adopted immediately and that is that we advise all of our investors not to panic and remain calm or at least try to get control of themselves.

The advisers went on to suggest that there happily is a very simple resolution to this very minor hiatus in the liquidity of Cat World which is due in part to the enormous record beating amounts of money that we borrowed to launch Cat World, to say nothing of the rate at which we spent that money, happily all of these little setbacks can be resolved by borrowing even more money and that is exactly what we intend to do starting today.

With this sagely advice in mind we have launched the CW2F or Cat World 2 Fund which offers investors the opportunity to invest truly Madoffian amounts of cash secured against a 9th rights and share issue and our solemn promise that all investors will receive either their money back plus interest or a piece of some of the most exciting island and coastal real estate in the middle of the east, a place where they can retire in the sun and sand and watch the lagoon waters rising as global warming really begins to bite. Uh-ok!

Privately my advisers whispered to me – run Cat, RUN, as fast as you can!

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Something For The Little Man

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As with all financial disasters, it is always the little man in the street who suffers most; and we here at Cat World don’t want that to happen this time! Not that we are suggesting that Cat World is in a disastrous financial state and facing almost immediate ruin, oh no we aren’t suggesting that at all!

But this time we are going to make sure that the little man is as safe as one of the houses, shops or office blocks that we have developed on our manmade lagoon islands. And how are you going to do that I hear you ask quite rightly?

Well for all small investors under 4ft 6ins tall we are going to offset the value of your risk according to your height then assemble all of these risks into several thousand Premium Financial Instruments and then once they are assembled we will roll them into a ‘Vertically Challenged Bond’ or VCB.

We will then offer our VCB bonds to a very select and exclusive group of investors through our Merchant Bankers. This group of very wealthy and exclusive individuals is known as the ‘Anyone Group’ and our Merchant Bankers have guaranteed that Anyone will be able to invest in our VCB bonds, and, furthermore they have also pledged that all taxpayers will be able to invest in this premium financial product the VCB bond twice allowing enormous rewards for us Cat World and the directors of our Merchant Bank.

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Cat World Debt Fears!

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My dear friends and investors, I would like to take a moment to talk about some articles in the gutter press, such as The Financial Times, the Wall Street Journal and of course the BBC damn their keyboards, that report some ‘problems’ that we here are having at Cat World.

What can I say except – financial problems? What financial problems? There is talk I believe that after borrowing several hundred billion dollars from friends, relatives and complete strangers and spending it in a wise fashion, very quickly, that we can’t meet the repayments.

Nothing, I have to say is further from the truth we can meet the repayments on these world record loans, we just want to wait a few years to do that, then at a time when the dollar, which it is true we have helped to cripple, is worth as much as the chocolate filled tinfoil coins on a Christmas tree we’ll make some repayments.

Our advisers, ex board members of the Bank of Credit and Commerce, have assured us that this is not only perfectly legal but something which is done everyday in the banking world.

So my fellow board members of Cat World the wonderful entertainment, holiday destination, business centre and housing complex and I want to squash all of these dreadful rumours before they get out of hand and do something terrible, like say adversely affect the world’s stock exchanges, we would like to do that but unfortunately we are off on holiday and will get back to you later.

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It Just Occurred Me!

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You know something really sad just occurred to me and that is that some poor souls out there in humanland might just not know what a Prawn is!

Or worse they might have for all of their lives miss out on the beauty, elegance and crunchiness of Prawns, which are for those of you who don’t know less crunchy when they are shelled.

In fact I have to say that I really only recommend eating Prawns when they are shelled, but if an unshelled prawns slips out of a human’s hand and then slithers across the floor at you what do you do, you crunch don’t you obviously.

In America the land of the big, they call Prawns Shrimp, I don’t really know why but I do know that Shrimp are, how can I put this err – ‘built.’ They are an enormous dream come true, well for this Cat at least!

So I hope that I have cleared up any confusion and that everyone, because that is the number of people who read my blog, knows what a Prawn is, but remember one Prawn is all very well but they are better when they come by the gross then they are 144 little packages of pink delight.

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Fat Cats Are Not All Bankers

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It is true! Not all fat Cats are Bankers, according to those nice people at Purina a third of all pets in the UK are overweight,* so if that is the case what about the numbers in the states? It doesn’t bear thinking about does it?

So what are we going to do? I know, you could feed us Cats Prawns! Prawns are the perfect food they are full of energy, protein and not at all fattening. And of course some vegetarians eat Prawns, you know the ones I mean who don’t understand the word ‘vegetarian.’

Still I would happily live just on a diet of Prawns. So if you want to send me buckets or lorry loads I will happily munch my way to fitness.

Editors note:
As you will know from his book “Getting Out Excerpts From A Cat’s Diary,” available here Amazon.com,The Cat is sadly addicted to Prawns and although he is allowed them once in a while as a treat to send lorry loads to him as he suggested would be impractical, so please if you have followed his instructions and the lorries are on their way to The Cat Headquarters do please stop them and turn them around now.

The image used in this blog is deliberately distorted to preserve anonimity of this poor flabby feline, but we know who you are chubby chops don’t we!

* Source http://www.purina.co.uk

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Oops!

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Oh I am sorry about the last blog! There does that make amends?

How was I to know that what I wrote would come true? That some nice Polly’s would, err how can I put this? Make a wish come true?

No that is not very nice at all and again I have to apologise. Now that sounds like I don’t want to apologise if I ‘have’ to and that, I promise sincerely, is not the case.

Tee hee!

Parrots are after all some of God’s little creatures even if they are Gay Pigeons. Still the good news is that now at least we know who’s to blame for Parrots don’t we!

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Just A Thought

I would like to say and so I will, that not every blog needs a picture, just like this one in fact!

Actually it makes a change not to have to carefully paw craft a picture especially for you bloggers, even though of course I love you all, well I have to you love you all you keep me in Kippers and Prawns by buying my book and generally worshipping me, but all the same it feels nice not to have to fire up Photoshop and mess around pixelatedly, which of course is a new word and a lot of trouble at the same time.

Actually I like new words don’t you? Well you should, you get quite a few here don’t you and of course there are loads of newly invented words in my wonderful book “Getting Out Excerpts From A Cat’s Diary,” which you lucky people can buy and enjoy anytime you like.

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Big Nudes!

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Oh! I am so sorry I have made a typo in the headline – it should read Big News! But it got your attention didn’t it?

So what is the big news I hear you say and some of you complain! Well first I would say to all of you hold your horses and to those of you complaining I would say have some patience and don’t be so rude. I am a Cat after all and typing isn’t something I am born to.

No I know neither were humans born to typing, but you ape descendants held onto the prehensile toes and fingers while us slightly more highly evolved creatures have lost them and adopted a soft paw.

I have sort of decided that it would be fun each day to see if I can come up with ideas on how to annoy and of course eventually rid the world of Parrots, they are just multicoloured vermin after all gay Pigeons that’s what I call them and this mission is so very important that I am considering moving my blog onto the home page of my ‘www‘- wickedly, wonderful website. Treat your self and have a click no one is looking. then after you have done that do go to my my ‘www‘you will adore it.

You don’t really need the name of my amazing website but here it is just in case – www.thecatsdiary.com.

So I am going to have a chat with my PR people and let Sebastian, Polly and Georgie have a little ‘ponder’ as they always call it when they are trying to catch up with another of my amazing ideas.

In the meantime I thought I would share this little idea with you on the subject of ‘dealing’ with Parrots. Why don’t we announce that scientists have discovered obscene quantities of Peanuts on the M25? And they are free to anyone who wants a peck.

For all of my international visitors and friends the M25 is an is the worlds largest environmental experiment. It works by trapping hundreds of thousands of motorists every day by pretending that it is a motorway.

The motorists sit patiently at a standstill until ten minutes after they should have arrived at their destination and then they are released like a competitors in a race.

So if the carbon monoxide from the idling engines doesn’t get the Parrots who have come for the free peanuts then the formation start will.

Perfect! That should get rid of a few of those over dressed Pigeons shouldn’t it!

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