Yes I admit it now, I was wrong but when you think that you have been described as the perfect Christmas ‘git’ you would get a little uppity wouldn’t you? What I didn’t realise was that the lady who apparently is the soft toy executive at the large toy corporation I was in a meeting with was describing the soft toy that they plan to make of me as part of the merchandise for the film of my book and that it would be the “perfect Christmas gift!”
I have to say I agree with her, it is going to be a wonderful children’s gift for the holidays now I know what she is talking about.
It looks like my PR people might have to do a bit of work on my image now though. I can’t honestly say I didn’t mean to bite the soft toy executive because I did. Well wouldn’t you get annoyed if someone who you hardly know called you a git?
Even I wait for a few days so that I get to know people before I do!
It looked as though I had either walked into a wall or had a big fight today when I first looked in the mirror and that was because my ear was bent almost double. Happily neither was the case, I suppose that I had just slept funny, you know when you have pillow hair or creases all over your face from the bed clothes.
But I am really annoyed, having a bent ear and looking just slightly less than gorgeous spoilt the moment. Don’t you like to look in the mirror? I know I do, and that first glance in the morning just makes my day for the rest of the day!
I know that there has been a lot of talk about me releasing my back catalogue of classic (though dreadfully out of date) recordings just like The Beatles are reported to be considering but have denied that they will be doing so.
So I have decided to give my side of the story and what I have to say now is this. Although, just like The Beatles, my back catalogue has been carefully and expensively digitally re-mastered this has been done for no reason what so ever in particular, just for pleasure in fact.
Like The Beatles I don’t intend to cash in on the pent up demand for my wonderful digitally re-mastered recordings and I am appalled to hear that some tin pot outfit in Santa Cruz is selling these little wonders at the ridiculous price of just 25 cents, furthermore I would like to state that if my record company were to release our marvellous digitally re-mastered catalogue officially it would cost at least five times more I can promise that now.
My own company Cat Corps have been in negotiations with various web based digital music stores and to date they just won’t agree to give us not only what we want but what we think we deserve, which is too much. You have to remember that my entire back catalogue of wonderful music was carefully written by others and it costs an absolute fortune to keep that secret oops!
Finally I have to say that the boys in the band and I were hoping that the release of our terrific music digitally was going to keep us in our old age at a time when it is difficult for us to make music or though some would say that I have been doing that ever since I went solo with with my progressive rock band Chicken Wings.
I recently heard a very sad story and I would like to share it with you because I don’t want it to happen again. Don’t worry this clever Cat knows that all of you humans have short attention spans and so the story is brutally short.
The other day I got a tearful email from a rather young girl after she had been to my amazing website www.thecatsdiary.com to see the snow. She said that her friends had told her that she wasn’t allowed to go back as often as she wanted to so that she could worship me properly.
I would like to quash any rumours before they spread from the dripping tongues of the unworthy by stating here and now that you can go to my website as often as you like to worship me. As a star some say I need to be worshipped and although I wouldn’t go to those sort of Brad Pitt lengths I do rather like the adoration. And remember a trip to my website doesn’t cost you anything, now isn’t that exceptional value – I should say so!
Everyday around the world hundreds of thousands of Cats are going hungry, unloved and mistreated and that is something that shouldn’t be allowed.
But there is some good news and that is that you, yes you can do something about this dreadful state of affairs.
I imagine that you have often said to yourself, “I know it is terrible that there is such cruelty to animals and it is just awful, but what can I do, I just wish I could make things better for the poor little creatures?”
The simple answer is that you can make things better for all the poor little Cats around the world that are being mistreated and go hungry every day.
You can help then one at a time, starting with me. Just buy my book and I promise that I will make sure that I live in total comfort and never go hungry!
And if you really want to help then why not buy a few books, Christmas is coming and they make excellent presents, door stops and solid objects for humans to throw at each other when they are having a row. I typed “when humans are rowing” at first but it didn’t sound right, people throwing my book at each other while enjoying a boat trip?
So what are you waiting for? Type “Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary” into Amazon.com and get my book, it will help save an adorable Cat’s life – me! or cut out the middle man and just send me more than you can afford right now.