Feb 282012
 

Before you say I am misquoting Mr Kennedy the title is right, Ich bin kein Berliner or “I am not a Berliner,” because I am simply not fond enough of Berlin to say that I am. I have to also say that neither am I a sort of doughnut either and between you and I, I think that you would have to be quite mad to say that you are either of them! But unfortunately I had to be in Berlin again this week.

So this is the second time in two years that I have washed up on the wide open plazas of Berlin, which were landscaped by the RAF and invading Allied forces, and I have to say that the modern replacements to the old buildings that stood before the “don’t mention the war” are really not very nice.

Of course you will remember what happened the last time I was in Berlin if you have read my amazingly successful second masterpiece of feline literature ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ available from all good book shops and even some really rather dodgy ones too and of course here at Amazon – just click here Amazon.co.uk for the UK and here Amazon.com for the US and if you haven’t read it you can change that terrible social faux pas and we will say nothing more about it.

Bundestag2

Don’t get me wrong there are some nice places in Berlin, but this time I was down by the river and surrounded by the new awful government buildings of the new unified Germany – the river (and symbolic east/west spanning) Bundestag for example.

These are brutal new structures are actually so terrifying that the Germans have to add to the ruin of the environment by leaving all of the lights on in them at night, just so that Berliners and casual but easily frightened visitors (me for e.g.) don’t leave the city in a mass panicky exodus. Frankly even by day it’s all just awful, large ugly buildings in acres upon acres of space on a scale that is just plain ‘Dallas!’

The area around the Berlin Hauptbahnhof (or Berlin Central Station) has been hacked to bits so that new and probably unwanted modern concrete buildings can be built by the dozen and thousands of Mercedes taxis can ply their trade on wide roads which means that the the lovely old Trams from the east side have been dumped in the name of progress which is a terrible environmental mistake.

Berlin Hauptbahnhof

I would say more but I’m in a hurry to get out of the path of some enormous, tough looking, loud Germans who are crashing down the Straße they are obviously looking for trouble and a Cat writing detrimental things about their new capital might just tip them over the edge, what a shame there aren’t any men amongst them to calm them down a little. Yes German women frighten me almost as much as the new buildings here!

All I can say is I can’t wait to get back to sleepy, safe Prague, I am lucky to live in a pretty fab place.

PS and nothing whatsoever to do with the above article or the price of Prawns, it has just occurred to me that the world hasn’t heard from that arch tax dodger and humanitarian big mouth Bono recently – hasn’t it been nice and quiet!

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Jan 202012
 

Cat Pensioner Window

A lot of newspapers recently have been carrying a story about an 85 year old pensioner being hit on the head by a Cat in Buenos Aires in July. The pensioner was knocked unconscious and was in a coma for a long while after being hit by the Cat and has never really recovered from the incident. The Cat wasn’t so fortunate and didn’t survive the fall from the fourth storey.

So what was a fine looking Cat doing falling four stories I hear you ask? Images come to mind of a devil may care feline tethering on a window ledge 50 feet in the air come to mind, or a swashbuckling puss walking a tightrope of telephone wires strung from one building to another. Sadly the truth of what happened to this poor Cat is not only rather mundane it is also absolutely disgusting.

Apparently a couple on the forth floor were having a blazing row, can you see where this is going, no I bet you can’t dear cuddly reader but then you are a normal well adjusted individual! What happened is so bizarre it wouldn’t even appear in one of my books, during their quarrel the husband picked up the family pet and threw it at his wife, but she ducked and the Cat sailed through an open window.

Can you imagine what went through the husband’s head at that moment, “I hate you and I am going to kill you, I will kill you with a um… err… a… yes I know a Cat.’ What was he thinking! I am afraid I don’t know.

There has been a lot of discussion about the injuries to the pensioner of course and her family seem to expect compensation for her quite rightly, but sadly as happens in these cases all too often no one seems to be saying, until now – this. “The person who did this is one of the cruelest most disgusting individuals on the planet and The Cat hopes that something really very awful happens to him.”

What is it with some of you humans and Cats, we aren’t vases, blunt instruments or any other kind of deadly weapons, please stop treating us as though we are inanimate.



About the Author – The Cat who writes blogs!

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Oct 242011
 

I am a very innocent, nice and extremely well brought up Cat and so when I was trolling through India researching my latest blockbusting and unputdownable book called ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ (available here The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition) I couldn’t help but be confused by the sign below.

Odd Indian Road Sign  What Do They Mean

If anyone knows what on earth the Indians are on about do let me know! Or if you can guess why two young men in skirts are following an older man in orange shorts into an Accident Porn Area I would be interested to know. My theory is that the young men are planning a Porn Accident? Well I suppose they are in the right place aren’t they!

In the meantime if you want to read my wonderful travelogue do please click here for the The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or here for the Kindle edition The Cat’s Travelogue ebook.

Travelogue by John Woodcock

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Oct 012011
 

Ok no prizes for guessing which Cat in his excitement to tell the world about Amazon.com launching his book early to coincide with the launch of their Kindle Fire managed to use the ‘old’ link to his other masterpiece ‘Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ – yes me of course.

Here is the right link.The Cat’s Travelogue on Amazon.com

There thank goodness I put that right. I am so sorry to send you all to the wrong place, but I have to say now you know how I felt when I was writing my Travelogue, everywhere I went was the ‘wrong’ place.

Here is a treat for you though, the cover of my latest book.

Travelogue by John Woodcock

And if you haven’t see the Kindle Fire in all of its blazing glory here is a link for that by way of an apology – again.

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Sep 282011
 

There are very few words to either explain or describe this photograph from a Paris suburb and frankly even this genius of a Cat who writes books and who writes blogs doesn’t have any of them! But all the same I thought you my dear cuddly readers would giggle at the ridiculousness of our french cousins.

Personal Hairdressing In France

I believe that ‘french cousins’ are the cousins in a family that no one talks about you know the ‘special’ ones for whom everything is a challenge.

Big news, my wonderful masterpiece of second book (electronic and paper) ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ will be in book stores, on Amazon.com waiting for you to buy it in your thousands this coming week I believe. I will let you have more information as soon as I can but stand by with your pocketbooks open.

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Sep 192011
 

It’s really a very exciting day today. I am with my designers in New York going over the final selection of cover designs for my soon to be published second book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue.’

You know I was pleasantly surprised, the cover designs are all really nice, except one that is which uses the most unflattering photograph of me, I do hope that we don’t use that design!

Unfortunately I have discovered that I have a little problem and that problem is that book publishing is (according to my publisher) a collaborative endeavour so we will be using the cover that is chosen by the majority. Mmh what do you think about that dear cuddly reader, you know what they say about things chosen by committees don’t you!

I have to say it came as something of a shock to discover that publishing my book was a “collaborative endeavour” because I would like to know where the designers, my agent Mr. Todd A Leibowitz call me “Todd” and my publisher were when I was knee deep in some of the less attractive countries around the world and just how close they were from swooping in and rescuing me when a mob of Pakistani religious fools were after my ‘Bacon’ just because they thought I was Danish? Not close at all is the answer.

Still I’ll forgive them their stupidity if we “sell as many of these ponies as we did the last Buckaroo!” To quote my Agent Mr. Todd A Leibowitz call me “Todd.” We apparently will be in “millionsville” once again. What can I say? I am so pleased and of course confused.

I am afraid when I listen to my agent Mr. Todd A Leibowitz call me “Todd,” publisher and the designers all talking excitedly at once I feel a little handicapped, not by the fact that they are speaking American, a language which is very close to English the language I first learned when I started to write my first ‘unputdownable’ book, the trouble is that when I hear them all talking at once, firing buzz words into the conversation as if they were machine gun bullets at a we hate Saddam/Americans rally in Iraq I just can’t keep up, and worse every so often they clap a hi five above my head and shout “YAY” when they agree on something all of which is beyond me.

I just hope that the last hi five and round of “YAYS” wasn’t something to do with the committee choosing the design for the book! I feel I should ask but they are just too busy congratulating themselves currently. Maybe there will be time later, although after lunch I am being whisked out to the airport and sent home, yes my agent Mr. Todd A Leibowitz call me “Todd” is paying for my stay which is probably why it’s so short.

Anyway as soon as I can I will post the ‘winning’ design on my blog and hope that all my fans let me know what they think of it. I think it’s really a good idea to let my lovely fans see the cover of my new book in advance of publication because then they will know what to grab off the book store’s shelves.

Of course ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ will not only be available in your local bookstore it will also be available on Amazon.com as an ebook or a proper book and all of the other places you can possibly think of to get ebooks and the old style paper books.

The timing of publication is designed cleverly to catch the Christmas rush if the banks don’t bankrupt us all first! So please make sure that you buy at least two copies and one for your good self dear cuddly reader because they make excellent presents for everyone!

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Jun 082011
 

I have often wondered where lies come from, who invented them and so on and so forth. I even watched the dreadful film by that awful idiot Ricky Gervais but sadly failed to find out where lies came from or in that case be entertained at all but that is beside the point of course.

So where do lies come from? Well I think I have the answer. I got my driver to follow the truck in the picture and guess what lies come from Luxembourg. I would have thought France or Germany both countries and their people have been known to tell some enormous porkies in the past but I didn’t think that little Luxembourg could be capable of inventing lying did you?

Lorry Load of Lies


About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

The Cat & Kindle

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Jun 012011
 

Kung Fu Panda 2 007

As a lot of us know Hollywood’s latest animated blockbuster from Dreamworks, the Chinese themed Kung Fu Panda II, opened in the US and China at the weekend and it by all accounts did rather well, which is nice.

The first instalment (imaginatively entitled Kung Fu Panda II – but with one less ‘I’) broke box office records in China three years ago but was criticised in some quarters as western exploitation of Chinese culture.

Do you agree with with this Cat and think that the Chinese have at least two faces and are being rather silly about saying that Kung Fu Panda I or indeed Kung Fu Panda II are “western exploitation of Chinese culture!” After all what would you call making all of the goods that the West use everyday like iPads, iPhones, Computers that even aren’t Apple ones, TV’s and of course so much more if it isn’t Chinese exploitation of Western culture.

To say nothing of the fact that almost everything made in China is badly made, falls apart as soon as the product is removed from the safety of its protective packaging, and of course that most of the counterfeit DVD’s and other pirate products are made in China and sold in the West.

All of which I am sure means that the Chinese have a sauce pointing a finger at the West for exploitation and should be the last to lecture the West about exploitation especially when they now have jobs that used to be Western jobs and the families who relied on them are flat broke. Surely the Chinese take the biscuit for exploitation – right out of hungry Western mouths in fact.

Changing the subject for a moment I would just like to thank a record number of people for buying my latest book and masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ during June, it is obviously perfect reading for the Summer and I hope that you enjoy it while you are tanning on a beach somewhere very warm.

One thing I would say on the subject of buying books – well I promised my translator I would – is that copies of his ebooks are available on Amazon.com and all other great retailers so when you go to Amazon.com to buy my book or to my www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com do have a look at John Woodcock’s books ‘Trams of Prague’ and ‘AstroMouse,’ they are really rather good (he made me put that bit in but after reading them I agree).

The other thing I would say is that avid readers of my books are in for a real treat very soon my next book ‘The Travelogue – A Cat Against The World’ is soon to be available in the same great bookshops and websites as ‘Getting Out’ isn’t that wonderful?

About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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May 242011
 

My dear lovely cuddly readers I am afraid that I have to insist that you watch the ‘Ultimate Dog Tease video which I have just put up on my www – wickedly wonderful website.

To make it really very easy for you I have added a link that will whisk you to the correct page here Ultimate Dog Tease.

This video is not only one of the funniest videos I have seen it makes even the hardest hearted Cat feel sorry for at least one dog in the world.

Dog Tease

Who’d have thought that one day I would say “poor Doggie?”


About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

The Cat & Kindle

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May 102011
 

Recently in a suburb of London it took twelve firefighters, a road closure, a water cannon and 30 hours…to rescue a KITTEN from a tree, and to this Cat that seems to be about the right number of humans, the appropriate amount of fuss and confusion to expend on something as precious as a Cat!

A dozen firefighters sealed off a road for 30 hours and eventually brought in a hydraulic hoist to rescue a Cleo a Kitten who had lost her way when climbing a tree and instead of climbing down had gone the wrong way and climbed almost all the way to the top of a 50ft tree.

The Tree

The wonderful, brave and patient firefighters at first used a water cannon to ‘encourage Cleo the Kitten to climb down the tree, not to knock her out of the tree it has to be stress but that only forced Cleo to climb higher up the tree – but then we all know about Cats and water don’t we?

It was only after the firefighters called in reinforcements and a ‘cherry picker-style’ hydraulic device, that a fearless fireman was able to grab Cleo and bring her back down to earth.

A Happy Ending

Before leaving the patient firemen advised the Kitten’s human to put wire mesh around the base of the tree so that the Cleo wouldn’t be able to climb up the tree and cause such a commotion in future.

The Cat’s Opinion

First I have to say that people who have Cats and trees in their garden and don’t want to repeat the palaver described above should do what the clever firefighters suggested and put Chicken Wire around the base of the tree.

Secondly I think that firefighters are just wonderful and should have their salaried doubled immediately.

Lastly as I said above, but it is worth saying again twelve firefighters, a road closure, a water cannon and 30 hours to rescue a Kitten from a tree, seems to be about the right number of humans, the appropriate amount of fuss and confusion to expend on something as precious as a Cat!

About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

The Cat & Kindle

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