Dec 172010
 

Isn’t it nice that I have won a prize for the best way to describe a wonderfully funny, clever and extremely entertaining website.

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I have to say that it is only what I would expect being a “pure genius” as a reviewer said about me on the back cover of my excellent bestselling book – ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary!’

So now ‘www – wickedly wonderful website’ the phrase I have always to refer to my amazing website www.thecatsdiary.com is officially considered the best way to describe a really great website by the Web’s Governing body – how cool is that? How clever is this Cat?

Personally I would also add honest, kind, good looking and modest to any list of compliments referring to me, but then as some cosmetics brand once advertised that’s“Because I’m worth it!”

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Oops! I originally typed a question mark at the end of the sentence above instead of an exclamation mark – maybe I was influenced by the way that the famous stars said the line in the ads – now I am imagining thousands of “Cuts” sigh! and “let’s do that one more time” as the ad was filmed – they wouldn’t have had the same problem with me I promise har ha.

Actually when you look at the models from l’Oreal Paris you start to wonder if they are “worth it” they aren’t the most attractive models in the world are they? They have rather large Jerry Hall type mouths I think, but then I am a Cat and this young Bengal lady Cat is more to my liking.

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Oh! I nearly forgot if you haven’t do! Sorry let me explain, if you haven’t bought my book and you want to click either here Amazon.com or here  www.thecatsdiary.com and you’ll be able to buy my book at either Amazon.com or my award winning site www – wickedly wonderful website, either way you are in for hours and hours of laughter and fun – more fun that you would normally expect from a book even though I say so myself.

You know I occasionally dip into my wonderful book and even I laugh at what is happening in spite of the fact that I was there and it was all happening to me! Obviously the sign of a great book.

About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet such as www.pawsperouspets.com.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Dec 162010
 

Here at Cat World HQ the nerve centre of Catdom and all things Cat we get a lot of things sent to us, some are wonderful, I love the presents and pictures, but frankly the cakes and sponges are a little bit too much and the ones which are made from Cat food are definitely crossing some sort of line somewhere.

Still enough of that and speaking of gifts – I would like another iPad if anyone is feeling generous, Dave the Cat took his hat off and put it on top of my lovely iPad and I can’t seem to get the stain off the glass! Goodness knows what he has under his hat and frankly ‘goodness’ can keep what he knows to himself if it is all the same to everyone. I find that old ‘goodness’ is a little slack mouthed don’t you?

One of the more interesting things that came through the internet recently was a photograph from Wikileaks (probably) and it is a very interesting picture, if say for instance you just happen to a friend of a certain Cat called Ginger and you haven’t seen a couple of acquaintances ‘Monte’ and ‘Po’ for a little while.

Now I’m never one to cast stones – I leave that to holy people with shaggy beards and discharge slips from asylums, but what on earth is Ginger up to in this picture? On first viewing you really have to wonder don’t you!

When I asked Ginger he said that there was nothing to worry about, they were just posing for one of those really dreadful pictures that circulate on the internet and says something like “Friends Forever” then when he looked at the picture he said “that’s odd the photographer was on the other side of the wall in front of us!”

Now Ginger has gone into hiding complaining that he is being stalked, I think Ginger is being stupid and even Dave the Cat said that Ginger was acting like a Cat without a hat or a clue!

And as I said Monte and Po are still missing do you think that the stalker was stalking them and not Ginger? Frankly their coats are in better nick than Ginger’s and they’re sort of coat that a Chinese furrier would love to run up into a jacket or two, so I have to stop here and go out to post some more LOST posters – if anyone spots Monte or Po please let me know here thecat@thecatsdiary.com thats my email address of course – cool isn’t it?

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Please don’t forget that Amazon.com have very kindly completely restocked my best selling book – Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary – and that of course means that you can easily order a copy now and have it delivered before the Christmas day, they say that my book makes a wonderful present and who am I to disagree?

Get your copy of Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary – or better still copies here Amazon.com and of course you can always get a copy of my perfect book from my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com where you can also enjoy a lot of other stuff free online games, jokes, and so much more.

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Dec 152010
 

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Today I am saying goodbye to Randolph the Mountaineering Cat who unfortunately yesterday met a mountain that he wasn’t able to climb successfully.

You know I met Randolph the Mountaineering Cat on his travels while I was doing research for my next book ‘The Travelogue,’ unfortunately the chapter with Randolph the Mountaineering Cat in it was ‘bought’ by the country where we met and so it won’t be in my next blockbusting book.

Actually I am finding that a lot of governments, mayors and anyone connect with countries, cities or towns which feature in my soon to be published Travelogue are ‘buying out’ chapters related to their countries, cities or towns so that they don’t have to suffer the embarrassment of being ‘exposed’ in what is the most honest travel book every written by a Cat!

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This purchasing of chapters means that the book is constantly getting smaller and in turn means that I in the interests of value for money have to keep traveling to new countries, of course the extra work is annoying but let’s face it the ‘hush money’ or as some call them ‘bribes’ come in very handy – just ask any african politician or sporting body committee member!

What I can say without breaking the confidentiality agreements I have pawed is that I first bumped into Randolph the Mountaineering Cat on the way to Nepal as he was enduring a stop over at a shabby and rather smelly airport in a rapidly developing country that will one day take America’s place as the leader of the world… sorry I have to stop there for two reasons the first is mentioned above and the second is that I am laughing so much I just can’t type.

After that, our paths seemed to cross as we went from country to country Randolph the Mountaineering Cat was off to climb yet another mountain and I was… well I actually can’t tell you too much about what I was doing or you won’t buy the next book and that would be a little like shooting myself in the Paw with a keyboard! Mmh ‘shooting myself in the paw with a keyboard’ doesn’t sound right does it? But I think you know what I mean.

You know in the short time that we had together Randolph the Mountaineering Cat and I got on rather well and shared a curry together and later the same toilet. It was then while we were both in a lot of pain that something he said stuck in my mind as the dysentery did its worst “chaps and Cats that suffer together form a bond that nothing can break!” I knew exactly what he meant and I also knew that I would possibly sometimes miss-quote Randolph the Mountaineering Cat but I would never forget him or what he said.

Sadly yesterday that bond was broken but not but me. I heard that Randolph the Mountaineering Cat was swinging one pawedly from snowy boulder to snowy boulder in a scree 6,000ft above Base Camp 3 when something went wrong and he slipped.

You know, we got on so well that I had even arranged for him to have ‘exploratory’ talks with my translator John Woodcock in the hope that with Randolph the Mountaineering Cat’s amazing adventures and our very own Mr. Woodcock’s feeble talent together they could produce a bestseller similar to my work a masterpiece of feline literary genius – ‘Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ available here Amazon.com if you are one of the few people on planet earth who haven’t bought it yet and of course my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com where you can buy my book, read my blog and get so much more including loads of free online games both festive and not so festive.

It’s a shame and a great loss that as with Randolph the Mountaineering Cat that book is lost forever.

So in conclusion I would just like to say that Randolph the Mountaineering Cat was a fine Cat and a good friend and I know that it is not only me who will miss him because the world is a poorer place without him and his adventurous kind!

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Oh take all of what I said about Randolph the Mountaineering Cat back, he has just called me, he’s in town and we’re going out for Prawns on Friday. I asked him about the photograph and he said that it was the first in a series of ‘shots’ taken for a magazine of him clawing his way to the summit of Katmandu.

Apparently the photoshoot was supposed to be ‘dramatic,’ I didn’t have the heart to tell him how ‘dramatic’ the story that was that I was given about the first picture in the series! I don’t know you can never trust the media these days. Still I am looking forward to catching up with Randolph the Mountaineering Cat almost as much as I am looking forward to the Prawns.

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Dec 142010
 

Not only are french Christmas carols odd they are of course rip off of English ones, for example the good old ‘The Twelve Days of Christmas’ or ‘Partridge in a Pear Tree’ becomes ‘La foi de la loi’ or ‘The faith of the law!’But the french have tried to disguise the fact that they have stolen the English Christmas Carol by adding a bizarreness to it and that achieve this by adding words about their favourite past time – eating.

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So instead of a ‘The Twelve Days of Christmas’ we have ‘La foi de la loi’ or ‘The faith of the law’ which you will have cleverly noticed has noting to do with food – ah these frenchies are clever and there isn’t a Partridge or a Pear tree in sight.

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They sing this little song at Christmas in the west of France and as befits a song about food disguised as a song about the law, the french insists that the song is sung “avec solennite,” (with solemnity) this Cat thinks that that is probably not easy when you look at the words to the 11th verse!

So how do we know that the french stole the song when it has been so heavily disguised – well the tune is a dead give away and I suppose you are going to have to take this honest Cat’s word for that but I can also add that the sequence of the song is the same as in English because although the french do so much that is different from the normal world they haven’t yet managed to count differently to the rest of the world much to their annoyance.

So without further ado let’s strike up the band and sing ‘La foi de la loi,”avec solennite’ of course!

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On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me a good stuffing without bones (it doesn’t quite have the ring of a ‘The Twelve Days of Christmas’/’Partridge in a Pear Tree’ does it?)

Now just add the rest below!

Two breasts of veal,

Three joints of beef,

Four pigs’ trotters,

Five legs of mutton,

Six partridges with cabbage,

Seven spitted rabbits,

Eight plates of salad,

Nine dishes for a chapter of canons,

Ten full casks,

Eleven beautiful full-breasted maidens (would the french know what to do with these?)

Twelve musketeers with their swords

I don’t know about you, but it just doesn’t do it for me! I miss the Lords a Leaping and the Five Gold Rings but then maybe i am old fashioned, still if you are very good and need a laugh let me know and I will tell you all about the very weird Scottish version of this great English Carol ‘strange’ is a word that doesn’t come close to describing it – yes the french and the scots have a lot in common.

Great News

Amazon.com have done what they described as an “emergency restock” so that then now have enough copies my best selling book, they like me are surprised and delighted by just how many people have shown the good taste to buy not only a copy of my masterpiece of a book for themselves but also to buy four or five spare copies to give to treasured friends and relations.

So don’t miss out on having my wonderful book delivered well before the noel day order it now.Yes drop everything – what did you think I meant!

Get your copy or better still copies here Amazon.com and of course you can always get a copy of my perfect book from my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com where you can also enjoy a lot of other stuff free online games, jokes, and so much more.

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Dec 142010
 

Have you ever wanted to know how to say “Happy Christmas” in sign language and be able to wish your friends with hearing loss a “Happy Christmas?”

I know I would want to if I were human! Sadly paws don’t ‘do’ sign language very well, although it is worth remembering that as well as understanding human speech Cats can and do lip read – yes you didn’t know that did you?

Here is the perfect and simplest way to say Happy Christmas in sign language using ASL (American Sign Language), it is by no means the only way to do that because sign language is an amazingly varied and rich language but most deaf people are very clever at interpreting what you ‘say’ and will be able to understand what you are signing happily.

There are two basic signs that you have to master to say “Happy Christmas” in sign language the first (below) is ‘Happy’ (obviously) and involves holding your hands (which I must say I envy you having) straight out in front of your body and then twirling them in different direction as indicated by the nice bald man and handy arrows in the picture.

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Once you have done that the second sign is equally as simple and basically comprises the sign letter for ‘C’ a curl made up of your fingers and thumbs waved from right to left and if you add that to the first sign you have “Happy Christmas” in sign language.

Isn’t it nice to think that thanks to this wonderful Cat you can sign Happy Christmas I think so and wish I could but the closest I have got with my paws is “have cash” – and that is not something you want to advertise in public in snowy Prague one of the cities currently competing for “Pickpocketing Capital of the World.”

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Don’t forget that Amazon.com have restocked my best selling book and that means that you can still order it now and have it delivered before the noel day, they say that my book makes a wonderful present and who am I to disagree?

Get your copy or better still copies here Amazon.com and of course you can always get a copy of my perfect book from my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com where you can also enjoy a lot of other stuff free online games, jokes, and so much more.

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Dec 112010
 

This clever Cat knows that you all like my sign pictures because when I post them the sales of my wonderful book seem to rise – it could be coincidence of course but just in case it isn’t I have found too excellent signs just for you and if you feel like buying my masterpiece of feline literature please don’t let me stand in your way just click here Amazon.com or here www.thecatsdiary.com my book makes a great Christmas present for someone you really love of course hint hint.

These signs are brought to you by two of my favourite English language muggers the first shows that the state controls everything in China in a very confused way of course.

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I wonder why you would want to catch fish in private then have a romp in the water? The chinese are not only authoritarian they are weird as well!

The second ‘sign’ is from a menu from a small café in the Ukraine and describes a dish of a mother in law as far as I can tell I bet she isn’t any “illusion appetizer don’t you?

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Nov 262010
 

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Ok paws up I have to admit that the picture I have here has been ‘doctored’ and I wasn’t in this year’s parade – your shocked mmh maybe I should have kept my mouth shut but you know Cats cant lie – worst luck we would be so much better at big business and politics if we could.

I have to also admit that the picture wasn’t ‘doctored’ very well – but what can you expect if you outsource things like this to India? – Not a lot is the answer! Just look at the standard of Disney and Dreamworks animation these days!

Still honesty aside for a moment one day I will really be in a Macy’s Parade, I promise, and it will be soon after my movie based on my worldbeatingunputdownable book – I have added world beating bit to my usual word describing my book because someone has stolen my word ‘unputdownable’ shame they didn’t search for a life rather than wonderful new words to steal – sorry where was I?

Oh yes my new movie – well what can I say? I am closing in on a deal which happily is based on the sales of my wonderful book of course; it almost goes without saying is available here Amazon.com and here on my ‘www’ “wickedly wonderful website” –  www.thecatsdiary.com happily at the moment no one has stolen my term for my website – but I suppose it is only a matter of time!

Unfortunately it is not like I am that little rat Mickey Mouse who just announces that he wants to make another comeback and gets a movie deal immediately. I have had to fight tooth and claw to even get into the movie mogul’s offices – well eventually I did it through a synagogue and a Steven Spielberg disguise, of course, but that is another story! I don’t want to get all Sarah Palin on you here!

So the movie of the book will come one day and you know how determined I am to be up there in lights, to say nothing of floating above your heads in a Macy’s Parade on Thanksgiving – there is just one thing that I am a little worried about and that is after the parade – yes I saw Mickey ‘nudging’ a Smurf in a way that should only be demonstrated on dolls but that is not what I meant about being worried about what happens after the parade! I have learned to keep my back against the wall dealing with all of those movie types.

What I am worried about is that in order to take part in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade you have to be able to float so they fill you up with Helium – fair enough! But and it is a great big one, ‘but’ what happens when they let the gas out? Do you make a series of loud inappropriate noises or is it just one long one? If anyone knows or has indeed had large amounts of gas in the past please can you let a worried Cat know exactly what happens – many thanks.

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Nov 212010
 

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I have just had some amazing news from those good people at Amazon.com and that is that my humble book is selling like cakes straight from the oven and they are so confident that they will break all sales records with it that they are going to order more copies than usual to meet what they describes and “an enormous and rather unexpected demand.”

Now correct me if I am a little wrong but does “an enormous and rather unexpected demand” sound like the opposite of a compliment to you?

Yes I thought so too – but and it is one of the biggest ‘buts’ I have ever used the fact that my book is selling so well is wonderful news isn’t it? Are you happy for one of the cuddliest, furriest, nicest and best looking authors out there? I know I am!

Mind you there is one thing that I would like you all to know and that is that if good old Amazon.com does run out of copies of my wonderful and unputdownable book and masked men start selling the book for a small fortune in the ‘used’ section of Amazon.com don’t panic and don’t get ripped off simply click along to my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com where oh lucky you, you can get either an ebook or a printed copy.

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I do hope that you enjoy my book at Christmas this year and please don’t forget to tell me what you think of it once you have finished. I really do value your compliments!”

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Nov 172010
 

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It is my birthday today and I just wanted to say thanks to all of my wonderful fans who have sent me cards, gifts, money and cake.

Just one thing – next year it might be better not to send cake because even if the boxes of cakes are carried by the most careful couriers in the world by the time the “Posta” lady (our muscular Czech post person) stuffs the boxes of cake into my letter box the cakes are reduced to a rather nasty dripping but colourful mess.

By the way, today here in the Czech republic it is a national holiday which is nice isn’t it; fancy all of these nice people celebrating with me! Although they do seem to mention something about history and the Velvet Revolution – but I have no idea why.

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Now as you can see happily I have found out how to use html properly in this new blog writer and that means I can tell you where to get my book at Amazon.com and also to visit my WWW wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.comand provide links to them again which is handy for all isn’t it?

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Nov 042010
 

Ok to be honest the story of my defective Mac Mini which was obviously thrown together by the Chinese with little or no regard for quality control is nearly at an end and won’t probably make it into the saga stakes. The retailer obviously read my blog and of course the not as funny emails of complaint that I sent them every hour or so and guess what – my new Mac Mini arrives shortly having been despatched from the UK yesterday – how about that for service? No bad eh!

Better still the computer won’t have a Czech language operating system so I will actually be able to use it and better still – almost – it was cheaper to buy the computer in the UK, mind you not as cheap as it would be if I bought exactly the same computer in the states – Apple operate on the old soviet style monetary exchange where one dollar exactly equals one pound – yeah right you commies as if!

So if what passes for quality control in China allows for my new Mac Mini to actually be used without the damn thing being defective upon arrival I will be writing my next blog from a different machine a sexy powerful little computer that like me has great looks and enormous style.

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As you can see the picture of the Mac Mini still has a picture of my wonderful book’s cover and you can still buy my book from any book shop anywhere in the world but here are some alternative suggestions at Amazon.com and again as my regular readers will tell you, you can get a signed copy of my marvellous book from my www.thecatsdiary.com.

and so much more – and most of what is there you don’t have to pay for which is handy these days isn’t it?

Lastly not only is my birthday coming up but also someone who is nearly as famous – Jesus and as we know Christmas time is a time for gifts and extravagant acts of great kindness, yes and also Irish Republican Army attacks of shoppers in England, but we all know that the idea is to give a gift or three at Christmas and indeed birthdays my birthday is on November 17th and I would be delighted if you start to send me presents for that now and to save postage I don’t mind if you put my Christmas gift/s in the same parcel.

My readers, fans and even stalkers are all so very kind – oh one thing before I forget, if you were thinking of getting me a Mac Mini for my birthday or Christmas then it might be an idea to think of something else – I always think that cash is always a wonderful gift and and instantly shows the measure of your generosity! Just don’t forget to double the amount if you want to cover Christmas will you.

Mmmh! I do hope I don’t sound too much like a charity or church when telling my lovely huggable readers what I want for my birthday and Christmas but it is best I think to let you know what I want because I am a much more worthy cause than either of those.

Lastly well done to the Republicans I bet that they are thanking God that the American people have such sort memories – who go you guys into the mess that you are in with their lax banking laws and avoidable wars?

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