Oct 082013
 

Just outside of Beijing and not far from the Great Wall is the Mangshan Forest which is the largest national forest park in Beijing and has probably the highest mountains in the area which is 659 meters.

The Mangshan Forest located on the east side of Ming Tombs Reservoir in Changping District it is home to 176 plant species; 96 percent of the park area is covered by forests. The most important species are evergreens such as Chinese pine, arborvitae, and lacebark pine.

As you can see from the picture below it is something of a magical place.

Mangshan national forest park clip image006

The Mangshan Forest also specialises in interesting signs that have a type of poetry all of their own, if you like nonsense rhymes!

Not all signs in China that are translated in to other languages are nonsense, but sadly I have yet to find one that proves this statement.

Chinese sign poetry Beijing


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

I would like to tell you all about something new and rather nice that you can get from the Apple iBooks store, no not ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book you have been able to get that for ages, no something else rather wonderful. You can get John Woodcock’s brilliantly illustrated book the first in the series called ‘The Trams of Prague’

This heavily illustrated books created especially for iPads, Pods and Phones called Tram No 6 is the Naughtiest of Trams and it looks amazing.

If you would like to get this exceptional book the easy way, just click on this link:
Trams of Prague – Tram No6 is the Naughtiest of Trams


Don’t forget dear cuddly readers one and all that my translator’s heavily illustrated book has just been made available at the iBookstore or iTunes – what was it with Steve Jobs and all of the ‘i’s’?

To get whizzed straight to the store whatever it’s called just click on the picture of the cover of that wonderful book below.

Trams of Prague ePub Cover 2 1 13 225x225 75

Jan 112013
 

Ternderness in Beijing

We really very much miss you too! Silly little sods you have to love ’em!


Don’t miss my Kickstarter Project

For a limited time only, as they say, you can help with what has been described as the best Kickstarter project ever, namely The Cat’s 3D Animated Movie Project.

Yes that’s right if you click here MY KICKSTARTER PROJECT you can help yourself to a piece of what will be movie history. I’m making a trailer for my up coming movie and I really need your help! Give as much as you like for wonderful and valuable rewards.

Sadly we live in a suspicious world so if you send this link to a friend you might like to use this one to show that there isn’t any funny business involved, there never is on my blog or site but then only you and I know that don’t we!

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1316679464/getting-out-animated-3d-short-film-trailer

They can paste it into their browser and go straight to my 3D animated movie project page on Kickstarter.


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Dec 272012
 

Here is a useful public information sign slapped up on the wall of a public toilet in Beijing by the ‘Food and Environmental Hygiene Department.

Is that disturbed by the sign the filth or something else

The only question I have about this sign is are they asking if you have been disturbed by the sign, the filth or something else? And where has that toilet roll been?

Which reminds me have you been to the toilet in Russia, in the old days there was never any toilet paper because the Communists used to use all of the toilet paper for… well no one knows quite what for but there wasn’t any. Nowadays if you need toilet paper (which is an odd grey colour) you have to collect it as you go in to the stall from a dispenser in the first room you enter.

Which just goes to demonstrate how ‘The Put’ and his government of Oligarchist yes men are modernising Russia doesn’t it?


Don’t miss my Kickstarter Project

For a limited time only, as they say, you can help with what has been described as the best Kickstarter project ever, namely The Cat’s 3D Animated Movie Project.

Yes that’s right if you click here MY KICKSTARTER PROJECT you can help yourself to a piece of what will be movie history. I’m making a trailer for my up coming movie and I really need your help! Give as much as you like for wonderful and valuable rewards.

Sadly we live in a suspicious world so if you send this link to a friend you might like to use this one to show that there isn’t any funny business involved, there never is on my blog or site but then only you and I know that don’t we!

They can paste it into their browser and go straight to my 3D animated movie project page on Kickstarter.


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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May 242012
 

This sign offers good news for anyone with backside troubles, I think. But first I wonder if any of my dear cuddly readers can tell me what are backside troubles and why a Beijing hotel bathroom would offer to repair them.

Bum Job

Is this I wonder, part of the “Two Fly Rule” that has been introduced by the new super power government concerned about the standard of public toilets in Beijing?

What is the “Two Fly Rule” I hear you ask with a sense of disinterest bordering on desperation? Well those clever chaps at the very very top of the government in China have decided that all public toilets in Beijing must not have more than two flies buzzing around per cubicle, and oddly enough the “Two Fly Rule” is just part of a rather bizarre new directive issued to washroom attendants and any others with an interest in public restrooms.

In addition to the “Two Fly Rule” other new measures aimed at improving public toilets in the Chinese capital include limiting the amount of rubbish that can be discarded on the toilet floor, though no one was prepared to say what sort of rubbish and how much was allowed under the new “Two Fly Rule.” There were other measures it is just that this Cat got bored reading them so gave up trying writing about them especially when the “Two Fly Rule” is strange enough on its own!

The man with the job of enforcing the initiative is called Xie Guomin and recently when asked by journalists about the “Two Fly Rule,” he said that it and all of the other measures to improve Beijing toilets weren’t actually compulsory, but were simply a new benchmark designed to improve the Chinese capital’s notoriously disgusting and unpleasant public restrooms, something this Cat commented on in his masterpiece of feline literature ‘The Cat’s Travelogue.’

Sadly those comments were removed from my wonderful unputdownable book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue.’ due in the main to a large payment of hush money paid into a Swiss bank account courtesy of the Chinese government. But as the incredibly corrupt official in charge of overseeing my silence has been removed from power and his equally corrupt buddies are trying to make other more serious ‘activities’ of theirs disappear from public record, I at least consider my agreement with them to be largely null and void and I can start to tell my cuddly readers all about the dreadful place that is called China at long last.

Sorry about that I got side tracked, where was I? Oh yes! Xie Guomin the party official in charge of toilets and more importantly the well thought out “Two Fly Rule” was reported saying. “We will not actually count fly numbers. The regulation is specific and quantified, but the inspection methodology will be flexible.” What on earth does that mean – it sounds like David Cameron talking doesn’t it?

Roughly translated what Xie Guomin said is ‘party speak’ for “we will do nothing at all to improve any public toilets and we have no idea why those bastard imperialists made such a fuss our our cosy, rubbish strewn, fly infest bogs when they were here during the 2008 Olympics, and if anyone asks why it has taken the government so long to get around to doing nothing about our filthy toilets they can go to hell! After all what is wrong with the public toilet in the picture below?”

Dirty public toilet China

Which just goes to show how far China has to go before it can really and truthfully think of itself as a superpower or indeed a civilised nation because a superpower and civilised nation would have a “No Fly Zone” wouldn’t it? Tee hee!


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Oct 262011
 

Here is yet another sign that I noticed on my recent travels around the world bumping into idiots and obviously their signs, this one is from the capital of China a dreadful backward place with little or no morals as the end of my little tale will demonstrate.

If you’re looking for Smallpox then look no further because at a flick of a switch you can have a dose at this hotel in Beijing and it doesn’t stop there! So dedicated to service and satisfying your every whim this hotel can at the flick of another switch give you lights that can kill.

Chinese Lighting System Small Pox Ded Lights

Just how many hotels do you stay in offer a “Ded Light Switch?” None I bet! So if you want to make sure that the Smallpox Switch does it’s job properly and kills you, you can use your Ded Light Switch they really leave nothing to chance in China.

Mind you if you are a small child and want to end it all you just have to go out into the street in China and either get run over twice by passing motorists like poor little Yue Yue or more recently a 5 year old boy who was killed in a traffic accident in Sichuan province, it wads alleged that the driver of the truck reversed over his body to ensure that the little lad was dead because he didn’t want to have the expense of hospital bills.

In a rather disgusting aside the boy’s family then argued with the truck drive for five hours about the size of compensation he would pay, and if you think that is bad just think about a statement from Li Zekun the head of the Luxian county traffic police team who said that after an investigation found no evidence that the boy had been run over twice, which leads this Cat to think that it is ok to run a 5 year old over once in China.

But really all of the people involved from the Chinese officials, to the truck driver and little lads parents are just plain disgusting, what a good think that it is only a small proportion of the world who are like that, oops it happens in India too and if you combine the populations of those two countries you are getting on for half of mankind who are really quite awful, what a good job there are some nice people in the world and of course millions of Cats great and small.

I have to say honestly that I do like writing blogs and chatting with my lovely readers but, and I hate the fact that Cats can’t lie, I do have an ulterior motive I have to get lovely cuddly readers in the first place and not only of my blogs, oh no it is very important that people buy my books so that I can call them my lovely cuddly readers in the first place – you do understand that.

So if you aren’t one of my lovely cuddly readers and you want to be then all you have to do is to start clicking the links that are below, they will take you to either one of two safe places my www.wickedlywonderfulwebsite here www.thecatsdiary.com or good old www.amazon.com where you can buy as many books as you like and if you want to be merry here is a little tip I understand that you humans have a saying the more the merrier!

Here are a selection of links that will take you straight to right places in www.amazon.com to buy either The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or The Cat’s Travelogue ebook.

Because I love the design is the cover of my latest unputdownable book The Cat’s Travelogue, isn’t it great?

Travelogue by John Woodcock

And don’t forget you can buy either a paper edition of either or better still both of my books or an ebook format.

The Cat & Kindle

Lastly if you missed clicking on the links above here is another chance tee hee!

Gosh that is a lot of information and I have to say it seems as though I might just come over as a bit pushy but a Cat has got to be kept in a life style he is accustomed to doesn’t he?

We all have heard the terrible news today that poor old www.amazon.com have seen their profits drop by 73%. Between you and me I was told (confidentially) that it’s only the sale of my books keeping the poor devils afloat, so that means that you are not only going to make a Cat very happy when you buy loads of my books but also the poor staff at www.amazon.com whose jobs depend on the sales of my books!

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Mar 212011
 

Is Beijing the only place where you can ask if your Sheep meat was well hung?

China Of course

In South Africa they are taking fusion food to the absolute limit – raped Chicken must be Royal Burgers Jo’burg.

Raped Chicken must be Royal Burgers

Ok maybe we are expecting too much from restaurants that are so far away from home they must serve nice home cooked food in Europe – I hear that the Spaghetti Carbonara is ‘different’ in German and this restaurant is obviously using homemade ingredients – just look at the menu!

Homemade

If those dishes are too ‘exotic’ for your taste then how about visiting a good old fashioned Soda Fountain for an Ice Cream and a Soda? Soda Fountains are nice, homely, clean places and they service ‘normal’ food don’t they? May I recommend good old Butt Drugs Corydon, Indiana.

Being an innocent Cat I wondered if there is any knowledgeable human out there who can tell me what a “Butt Drug” is please?

Butt Drugs

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Nov 122010
 

Sssh! Don’t say anything and never you mind about my disguise, and yes, before you ask this false beard is ticklish but I’ll tell you this not half as annoying as the false eyelashes or the padded bra – ok I have got my disguise mixed up a little but what I have to tell you is important and I’ve only got a minute – they’re after me!

The shocking photograph which came into my possession recently was secretly given to me by a ‘source’ at NASA knowing that I would publish it and not worry about the consequences because I know you would like to see what the Chinese are doing right now – well ok at the beginning of last month! And frankly I am too famous to become the main course at a Beijing restaurant aren’t I?

“In early October 2010, a high-pressure weather system settled over eastern China, and air pollution began to build up for nearly a week – which means that instead of flying off and poisoning the rest of the world the Chinese got a does of their own ‘medicine.’

By the 9th of October, China’s National Environmental Monitoring Centre declared air quality ‘poor’ to ‘hazardous’ around Beijing and in 11 eastern provinces.”

Apparently visibility was reduced to 100m in some areas (not a long way in good old fashioned non-metric measurement), and at least 32 people died in traffic accidents caused by the poor visibility, many more suffered with asthma and other respiratory problems.

The Ozone Monitoring Instrument on Nasa’s Aura satellite detected extremely high levels of aerosol particles (visible in the lower left of image so my contact said) and sulphur dioxide, from coal-fired power plants (lower right) on 8th of October. Apparently peak concentrations were six to eight times the norm for China, and 20 times the norm for the US.

Pollution-over-China-004.jpg

So as well as making very poor quality products like say oh Mac Mini’s for instance and annoying famous Feline authors the Chinese are doing their best to kill us all with air pollution, just when we in the west are making things a little better bit by bit.

Nice to see that the US of A is looking clean these days (although could do better is on the school report I believe) what a shame we have to put up with the Chinese filth, their badly made products and worst of all their bellicose attitude to the rest of the world.

As of today we in the know are still waiting for China to say sorry that they are a bunch of nasty polluters and do something about this and worse we are waiting for charities like Greenpeace and the WWF to at least say something about this disgraceful and dangerous behaviour or even go out on a limb and actually criticise countries like China and of course those arch polluters in India, but they don’t they, like western governments these days handle them with kid gloves and don’t annoy them by doing something simple like oh I don’t know – tell the truth for a change!

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