Feb 282012
 

Before you say I am misquoting Mr Kennedy the title is right, Ich bin kein Berliner or “I am not a Berliner,” because I am simply not fond enough of Berlin to say that I am. I have to also say that neither am I a sort of doughnut either and between you and I, I think that you would have to be quite mad to say that you are either of them! But unfortunately I had to be in Berlin again this week.

So this is the second time in two years that I have washed up on the wide open plazas of Berlin, which were landscaped by the RAF and invading Allied forces, and I have to say that the modern replacements to the old buildings that stood before the “don’t mention the war” are really not very nice.

Of course you will remember what happened the last time I was in Berlin if you have read my amazingly successful second masterpiece of feline literature ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ available from all good book shops and even some really rather dodgy ones too and of course here at Amazon – just click here Amazon.co.uk for the UK and here Amazon.com for the US and if you haven’t read it you can change that terrible social faux pas and we will say nothing more about it.

Bundestag2

Don’t get me wrong there are some nice places in Berlin, but this time I was down by the river and surrounded by the new awful government buildings of the new unified Germany – the river (and symbolic east/west spanning) Bundestag for example.

These are brutal new structures are actually so terrifying that the Germans have to add to the ruin of the environment by leaving all of the lights on in them at night, just so that Berliners and casual but easily frightened visitors (me for e.g.) don’t leave the city in a mass panicky exodus. Frankly even by day it’s all just awful, large ugly buildings in acres upon acres of space on a scale that is just plain ‘Dallas!’

The area around the Berlin Hauptbahnhof (or Berlin Central Station) has been hacked to bits so that new and probably unwanted modern concrete buildings can be built by the dozen and thousands of Mercedes taxis can ply their trade on wide roads which means that the the lovely old Trams from the east side have been dumped in the name of progress which is a terrible environmental mistake.

Berlin Hauptbahnhof

I would say more but I’m in a hurry to get out of the path of some enormous, tough looking, loud Germans who are crashing down the Straße they are obviously looking for trouble and a Cat writing detrimental things about their new capital might just tip them over the edge, what a shame there aren’t any men amongst them to calm them down a little. Yes German women frighten me almost as much as the new buildings here!

All I can say is I can’t wait to get back to sleepy, safe Prague, I am lucky to live in a pretty fab place.

PS and nothing whatsoever to do with the above article or the price of Prawns, it has just occurred to me that the world hasn’t heard from that arch tax dodger and humanitarian big mouth Bono recently – hasn’t it been nice and quiet!

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Jul 212011
 

I have a feeling that the poor old Austrians and for that matter the Germans too have had a bit of a bad press these days being accused of being selfish and running the EU like it’s some sort of private playground but I am happy to tell you, my wonderfully cuddly readers, that I have discovered some evidence to the contrary.

Proof  That Austrians Love To Share

Ok so it’s a little overbearing to tell guests, even ‘dear’ ones that they must not eat their own lunch and, I presume, must share it with everyone present.

But although the sign is a little bossy it’s well intentioned, because as Bono the tax dodging bozo will tell you, if you allow him, there are millions of people all over the world going without, he just focuses on the more photogenic ones! So sharing is good.

About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Nov 112010
 

Yes I know I am a very clever Cat who has opinions and no matter how much I am told to shut up my fat mouth I tend to ramble on and on about the things that I not only believe passionately about but as well of course I do like to also point out the stupid things that you humans do – I’m sorry I just can’t help it – it is what clever Cats do, well it is what this one does!

For ages now I have been trying to ‘out’ idiots like Bono ‘the climate clown,’ and of course Al ‘Gas Guzzling’ Gore for the way that they jet around the world using up precious resources so that they can point and then wag fingers at ordinary folk lecturing them about how wasteful they are and how they are causing the death of the planet – all of this with no regard to the fact that the planet has seen ice ages come and go as well as hotter arid times and that long after these dreadful busybodies have moved on to earning more money on their next fad somewhere else the planet will still be spinning on its merry way until we are all turned into nothing by the sun exploding or sooner by a meteorite doing more or less the same thing but not as quickly.

“So what is it this time that has had the opinionated Cat fizzing about?” I hear you ask with a sigh, well the answer is simple and ‘fizzing’ has a lot to do with this subject, just as ‘still’ and ‘sparkling’ do in fact!

I am talking of course about water – not the natural stuff from rivers, rain, lakes, ponds or indeed the safer stuff that drips out of leaky taps – I am talking about the stuff that is “filtered through limestone” “gently flavoured” (of course that means sugared) “is so good for you” indeed I am talking about the stuff that is bottled, naturally carbonated (how does that happen?) and comes in glass, or so much worse plastic, bottles.

Small water.png

Bottled water is something that hundreds of millions of people who don’t have to drink, drink! The water from most of the developed world that comes out of a tap is perfectly drinkable and bottled water is only a necessity in countries that don’t have proper drinking water treatment plants, these countries include but not exclusively the usual favourites for dysentery China, India, many of the ‘stans in Asia and so on. In fact Delhi of course gave its name to one such complain the infamous ‘Delhi Belly.’ (Or as my spell checker insisted – ‘Deli Belly which I think may be caused by eating too much Salami – but that isn’t important here).

Mind you there is no bottle of water in those aforementioned countries that this Cat would drink until it had been carefully boiled, cooled and disinfected with water purifying tablets – this Cat isn’t stupid and I followed very strict personal hygiene guidelines when he was researching his latest soon-to-be-released-blockbusting-book my Travelogue!

So back to the reality of the ‘real’ world where, as I mentioned a minute ago, and so it must be true, people drink gallons of bottled water for no reason what so ever, well except for the dumb reasons they trot out when you mention that drinking bottled water is a bit daft – you know the sort of reasons they are, they are supplied by cosmetic counter sales girls who quote Nobel Prizing winning sudo-science at you to convince you that you should buy a re-hydrating product as well as drink bottles and bottles of water a day to save your skin from ageing. Which, sad to say, water can’t actually do – but that is almost beside the point.

The people who drink water in vast quantities and are dumb enough to lug enormous bottles of the stuff around every day say that their bodies need water and any other fluid just isn’t as good as the “forgotten functional food’ that they call water because it ‘re-hydrates’ your body, is good for your skin, liver and just about everything else – now where have I heard that before? Oh yes, in American Cowboy films when the swindler in the covered wagon rolls into town to sell his ‘patent’ cure all potion.

Small water.png

The honest truth is that you just simply don’t need to drink gallons of water a day to stay hydrated. I bet you don’t believe me when i say that you could easily drink Tea for instance instead, but don’t take my word for that statement, listen to what Prof. Tom Sanders, Professor of Nutrition and Dietetics at King’s College London, says on the subject of water in a recent article in The Independent Newspaper. “Tea is the most widely consumed beverage throughout the world, and there must be a reason for that. It’s actually a functional food and by that I mean it hydrates the human body.” And you thought only water was that magical!

So before you decide to improve the muscles of one arm any further by lugging around enormous bottles of water do take a moment to think about the alternatives – and they don’t have to be drunk – Cucumber is 95% water, a jacket potato contains 70% water, an egg is 70% water and even a Chicken is 65% water.

Add all of the food that contains water that we put into our bodies everyday and it comes so close to a litre of water as to not matter much – I would say “within a whisker of a litre of water” but then ‘whiskers’ are a very sensitive subject to Cats and we tend never to mention them unless we have to! Oh drat I just have haven’t I?

So after you have eaten all of that water bearing food there is one trick left for the body and the business of hydration and that is that the body actually produces water metabolically.

All of which means that the craze to drink water like err ‘crazy’ is just plain daft and if we took a sensible pill with the last noisy glug of our bottled water then we would realise that by not buying gallons of water in plastic and glass bottles we could help save the planet from not only the unbiodegradable nature of the plastic bottles and the single use of all glass bottles of water we could stop water being shipped around the world to sell in other countries and again save a lot of energy for much more important things.

Small water.png

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Nov 082010
 

You know how much this honest Cat just adores hypocrites and swindlers like the every awful Bono the Climate Clown, the abominable prince Charles and the rest of the crazy inbred clan Windsor including the ‘divorced ones’ ginger and non-ginger, because they believe in that old adage “don’t do what I do -= do what I say,” and for some unknown reason believe that they are free to interfere with our lives and tell us what to do while holding out their hands to collect untold riches – sort of like verbal pirates.

Well I have always had my suspicions about Al Gore “fat Al” as I believe they call him in some circles and I have to say that those suspicions are being proved right by fat Al himself.

Mr finger pointer was in Gothenburg, Sweden giving a lecture on the environment and taking the opportunity to chastise the avid listeners for causing the environment to suffer so badly and of course for causing the sun to go purple, while all the time – one hour to be precise – he had left the engine of his rental car running to keep the passenger compartment nice and toasty for his return.

Big (Fuel guzzler) Al.jpg

I wonder if the great eco-warrior knows that according to Swedish law they prohibit – for environmental reasons – any car engine being left running without its driver for more than 60 seconds. If he does then maybe he would like to pay for his carbon use at one of the swindle exchanges that have sprung up – usually owned by banks who are used to creating money out of the thinnest of air.

Of course Big gas Guzzling Al’s mistake was further compounded by the fact that he had asked his distinguished guests to attend the event by public transport in order to minimize CO2 emissions when he hired a car. I wonder which face he was using then?

This eco-friendly Cat believe that we are never ever going to fix the problems of the environment and indeed all of this poor old worlds problems until charlatans such as that gangster Bono, fat Al, and all of the rest are told to shut up and please, please stop jetting around the world causing untold amounts of pollution so that you can tell ordinary folk that they are responsible for the worse eco-disaster this planet has ever experienced.

What these eco-bores are talking about is just simply nonsense! Don’t they know what happened to the Dinosaurs, now that was a terrible eco-disaster – one firey lump of rock the size of… well something very big did for them in a big way, but maybe Big Al and the rest of the people earning a very nice living from lecturing people on saving the planet don’t wish everyone to know that it just takes one very big rock to swing left at Mars and visit our planet and then no amount of lecturing is going to save us.

Obviously between that moment – I believe they call it deep impact or something – and now it is a good idea to keep the place tidy, re-cycle and do our bit, this Cat just wishes that we would all do just that and then Big Gas Guzzling Al, Bono the Climate Clown, the abominable prince Charles and the rest of the climate swindlers could use their hot air to generate electricity instead of boring people around the world while earning fortunes and wasting resources.

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Apr 302010
 
Warm& Sticky.jpg

As you know I like to add a nice picture here and there when I can, I think it makes a special blog written by a very intelligent, handsome and generous Cat – no me silly – look so much nicer don’t you?

So imagine my dilemma – which I can hardly spell – let alone want to suffer – when I wanted to tell you just how warm and sticky I feel today lying in the bright hot sunshine.

Now Cats don’t, as a rule, sweat! It is a well known fact that unfortunately Dave the Cat has never heard of, but that is because he is completely deaf when he wears his darn hat, then again if he didn’t wear that darn hat he probably wouldn’t sweat would he darn Cat?

Anyway I think that I have been infected with ‘Daveitis’ because lying in the window today on top of the red sofa (a capital offence I heard somewhere but who cares?) I have started to develop ‘clarty fur!’

What do you mean you have no idea what clarty fur is? Well clarty fur is the best way I know of to describe what has happened to the fur under my neck, and indeed under ‘me’ well where the bits of me that touch the red sofa that is!

My nice sleek clean fur is all matted and stuck together and that is ‘clarty,’ the word ‘clarty’ is believe it or not a West Country (probably Devonian) expression for stuff that has clotted or matted together, both mud and cream can be ‘clarty’ and when you lick one it tastes awful, but when you lick the other it is heavenly – promise.

Here is a warning – no not about licking cream that isn’t a creamy colour, it is about the word ‘clarty’ please don’t confuse the West Country definition with the Scottish version, the red headed idiots across the border use the word ‘clarty’ to describe dirt, especially if that dirt is filthy and disgusting, now just imagine licking Scottish Clarty Cream – ugh!

Mind you, the Scottish definition could be used to describe what the fur is like under Dave the Cat’s hat and unfortunately under yours truly, what a shame it is that Cat’s lick themselves clean, well in the main Cat’s lick themselves clean, Dave the Cat says that he gave up licking himself clean for ‘Lent’ being a good Christian Cat that is (news to me of course), then he added that he has one small problem, he doesn’t know when Lent ends and doesn’t want to incur the wrath of the Almighty and lick himself prematurely.

Yes Dave the Cat is quite mad, what on earth would the Almighty and I am sure he is referring to the ‘almighty’ Oprah Winfrey here do to him for forgetting to wash? Apart from chat showing him to death of course!

Warm & Sticky 1.jpg

PS

Did anyone see that Bono’s investment company lost $140 million big ones after investing in Palm the phone and unpopular gadget people now that HP has bought them, I laughed, it couldn’t happen to a nice big head could it?

Still I can’t say too much here at the moment and that is because I have just emailed Bono asking if he can give me $550 million (oops that typo again, why do I type two noughts after the five and it comes out like this 550 – I suppose it is just self worth kicking in!) to emancipate me from this feline slavery that I find myself uncomfortably trapped in.

Mind you the slavery has its up side, I am now writing and singing Spirituals, my rhythm seems to have improved greatly, I am wearing a lot of Gingham and considering writing a TV series about my Roots!

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Apr 012010
 
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In England we have a sense of humour which is rather funny but not understood completely by the rest of the world, and of course in this case I mean England and not the other bits that are tagged on to the end of England where they don’t have a sense of humour (examples Billy Connolly, Bono, Gerry Adams).

Our sense of humour even extends to making one day special, well half a day actually as I will explain.

Today is that special day, April the first and on April 1st we can tell funny, tall stories until noon and anyone who believes them is an ‘April Fool’ but anyone who tells an April Fools joke after noon is an ‘April Fool’ themselves.

There is a tradition to have an April Fools day (usually on April 1st) in most countries and so you probably know what I am talking about, which makes a nice change!

Anyway I don’t know if April Fools jokes in other countries extend to the ‘media’ as they do in England and even if they do I still wanted to share this story from the Independent with you all, not only for the nonsense article itself which I think is funny, but also for the wonderful comments that the general public have added to the article.

So here is the article!

Hadron Collider II planned for circle line

I am sure that you will enjoy it for the nonsense it is and please do have a look at the comments if you get time some are as funny as the article itself.

I won’t spoil it by telling you what the article says, except to say that the mad scientists at the Cern laboratory are ‘reported’ saying that the 23km Tunnel which currently serves the London Underground’s Circle Line could house a successor to the Large Hadron Collider and if building work started soon it would be ready by 2020, tee hee.

Few people know the origins of April Fools day and so I thought this clever Cat would shed a little light on it for you!

In the 9th Century the Church in England wanted to take control of running the country and after putting their case to one of the madder of the current Queen of England’s relatives Edward 1st the Confessor both parties struck a deal to take over the administration of England and more importantly the collection of taxes.

The deal was a surprisingly good one for both parties, the Monarch for the first time had a marvellous network of administrators who administered laws and collected taxes efficiently and he didn’t have to lift a finger to do anything and the Church skimmed enough of the top to build Cathedrals, and become the second richest institution in England.

The arrangement was announced on April 1st in the year 878, the news took almost 11 months to travel the length and breath of England but that time scale was nothing in comparison to the length of time it took for the ruling class to adopt the new legislation and that is because no one with any sense could believe what had happened and thought that the whole thing was some sort of terrible not funny joke.

For this reason it took years for the country to completely come to terms with the new Church administration and adopt it fully because everyone believed that the demented King wasn’t serious.

So that is the reason why April 1st became known as the day to tell ‘tall’ stories although of course the first one wasn’t either ‘tall’ or funny and England suffered from the Church’s mis-administration, corruption and embezzlement for centuries.

Sort of reminds you of Putin’s Russia doesn’t it? With the Church’s part being played by the oligarchs this time. Anyway England became so desperately weak and discontented that it was easily conquered in 1066 by the Normans or the French if you like and the English don’t like so we call the French the Normans.

After Willy the Conk’s successful invasion, some say with the help of the Church who thought that they would get a better deal from the French, the Church managed to do a deal with the new King and so continued to collect taxes for hundreds of years thereby managing to keep their fingers in the England’s till for centuries.

Bayeux Tapestry.jpg

I hope that you have a very happy April Fools day.

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Mar 252010
 

Happily there weren’t any bodies in the bins today (see yesterday’s post for more gruesome details) just lots of sun shining out over Prague. Looking out of the window today you could actually see silvery traces of spider’s webs trailing down to the Spruce trees (the original Christmas trees).

Spruce trees are interesting because before hops was used to add flavour to beer they used to use the young shoots of the Spruce tree and it gives a very aromatic flavour apparently – there don’t say you don’t learn anything while reading this Cat’s blog, not that beer is of particular interest to this or other Cats I have to say which just goes to show hoe ‘giving’ I am just like Bono – the climate clown.

Speaking of Bono and climate clowns, I have to say sadly that when I looked out of the window today I did see a bluish grey haze which I imagine is pollution, not a good sign.

But in the defence of the cloud of pollution it was a sort of lyrical hazy blue pollution cloud and not the same as the one that sweats over London, is a sort of sulphurous yellow and is intent on giving children asthma and cutting up to nine years off the life span of the residents.

Did you see that the UK is going to be fined for the over pollution of their bit of planet, the problem is Bus and Taxi exhaust – well they got rid of the cars in London.

Don’t you agree that it is a shame that no one fines India and China as well because they can teach the world a thing or two about pollution, if nothing else.

Ganges pollution.jpg

Above is a picture of the pollution (on a good day – there are no floating dead cows/humans) at India’s most sacred river, the Ganges, goodness knows what the not so sacred rivers look like or are full of!

Well this didn’t turn out to be a very funny blog which is a shame I like to make my readers smile a little even if they don’t laugh out loud, which by the way is never a good thing to do in public especially if you are alone because people around you will think that you are a little mad.

Tomorrow I plan to add a blog that will make you laugh and so I will not look out of the window before I write it I promise and hopefully then I won’t be tempted to get on to the subject of pollution.

So tomorrow I think we should talk about fish, yes what fun, we haven’t talked about fish for a long time have we?

By the way does anyone know what U2’s ‘Bono the Climate Clown’s’ real name is? I bet it is Jeff but spelt Geoff don’t you? Do let me know if you know what his real name is and indeed if you like U2, not that I care of course I just like to hear from my readers.

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Jan 052010
 
The_Frozen_Thames_1677.jpg

I heard today that there are several rivers in Europe that are frozen over because it is so cold, here if you are interested (in Prague where am currently) it is minus nine degrees C! Now I have no idea what that is in good old fashioned English degrees of cold, but I imagine that it could quite easily be described as “bloody cold” and very close to “Brass Monkeys” – ask me to explain the latter low temperature terminology at your peril har ha.

Anyway one could rightly describe Europe and, I believe, all sorts of other places where my wonderful book “Getting Out Excerpts From A Cat’s Diary” (still available at Amazon.com) is actually even more popular like the sublime US of A as icy.

So what is happening? Global Warming? Mmh me thinks not, correct me if I am wrong but doesn’t the title “Global Warming” tend to sort of suggest that we all should be clip clopping around in Hawaiian shirts, shorts and flip flops, well the humans anyway, flip flops just don’t suit me.

Oh I pray that the idiots like Bono and Al the Gore who have been going around getting fat telling us just how bad we are and how dreadful the planet is going to be because we didn’t clean the corners of our bedrooms properly, are wrong!

Sadly I don’t suppose they are and of course all the time they fly around the world telling us that we are all going to fry, they are proving themselves right, because they are adding to the pollution that they jabber on about so much. Its just that they are so… so… aren’t they, gosh even the Pope isn’t as holy as Bono is he?

Mmh now where is the point of this blog, what have I done with it, oh look there it is nice and safe.

So the frozen rivers huh? By the way -9C is around -16F or in other words very chilly and that is the beginning (again) of my point, it is cold, some say – well the BBC News and you believe what they say at your peril I know – the coldest winter on record and the records go back to around the 16th Century here in Pres Bush’s Old Europe.

If that is the case then just imagine this! The River Thames (in London for those who are geographically challenged) used to freeze over most years from the middle (sort of) of the 14th century until and get this, because it was news to me until I started to get interested in frost, (and don’t you say anything about having too much time on ones paws will you?) until the 19th Century and in fact that was the sort of ‘norm’ for most European cities.

Most European Cities had “Frost Fairs” well the ones with rivers of course had “Frost Fairs” and isn’t it nice to see that they liked a little bit of understatement – frost fairs I ask you!

Of course Bono and Al the Gore would be going around saying what we need is to to get all of the governments of the world together to spend vast fortunes inventing chemicals that would create a sort of umbrella to keep the heat in and they would probably come up with a great name for the effect of course and make a movie about it and ramble on about their ideas for a Greenhouse effect at every opportunity they could find.

Would you believe that in 1683 the ice on the River Thames was 11 inches or 28 cms thick in the middle of London and the North Sea froze for several miles out to sea unbelievably and the ‘great minds’ of the time happily kept their mouth’s shut.

And it was actually mild in London in 1683, in Frome in Somerset the ground was frozen to a depth of four feet and that says chilly more than anything you could think of doesn’t it?

So who thinks that we are in for what they called the “Little Ice Age” from the 14th century to the 19th century, well no one in their right mind of course and that is because the weather bless it is so unpredictable, can someone mention that to Bono and Al the Gore before they get us to worry ourselves to death.

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