Tag Archives: Cat Diary

A Sign of Mmh What?

Ok so today is the second sunny day and we are about four or five days into snow free weather, which will probably give you some idea about the temperature, with or without the sunshine it is cold.

But after two days of (not consecutive) sunshine the good people of Prague have decided that it is short and shirt sleeve wearing weather and are out and about in their hundreds – Prague is a small place and as yet the population hasn’t doubled in size with tourists – proudly showing their knees.

Are the Czechs mad? Well no not really they are healthy and think that their knees should be on display as often as possible, thank goodness they only think that their knees should be on display as often as possible, if you see what I mean!

But honestly having so many knees on display is a little off putting for a Cat; human knees, like all knees, are not nice, no wonder Cats hide theirs under fur, but then Cats are nice discrete animals aren’t they!

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And it is for that reason, modesty in the knee department that Cats are not like Pavels (the name I have given all Czech males – Pavelinas are the female equivalent), we would be mortified if we had our knees on display even on the hottest day.

Why? Do I hear you ask, well it is simple really, shorts are just about alright on young people, but when a middle aged man wears them to work and carries a briefcase and has a tie on you start to wonder don’t you? I do!

Still there are lots of reasons why Prague is a nice place to live, the steam coming off the river this morning made the place look magical especially if you happened to be standing on the famous medieval Charles Bridge and looking up at Prague Castle, in fact I wish I had been!

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A No News Day

Quite often I find a subject for my blog in the news and when I say news I mean the lighter than air meringue stuff that they serve on ‘news’ websites where ‘news’ usually involves stories of several fat ladies and a Yorkshire Terrier doing something heroic, such as eating their weight in Mushroom Omelettes or something.

Then there is the stuff on sites that offer in the ‘broadcasters’ opinion earth shattering news, you know the sort of thing, the latest CNN travel bag has been launched and now comes with a ten year guarantee which offers you your money back if the travel bag gets damaged so long as you never use it on airlines, French HiSpeed trains and indeed anywhere where a baggage handler might get to ply his or in some very muscular cases ‘her’ trade.

Often the non-news, as I like to call it, extends to other topics such as the Queen of England having a new hair do or a sitting for yet another painting, they both seem to be about as regular as each other.

Then there are some news orgainsations that will go to any lengths to take old news dress it up and churn over it time and again, this is usually done with over paid and unqualified celebrity presenters I can think of one new Poodle on the block who fits the bill perfectly there can’t you?

‘But’ and it is, as I often say a big one (and so in this case I will say it again), ‘but’ today the non-news is monumental the BBC News website, home of adverts for many of their up coming new programmes and mini-series, leads with a story that is entitled “Obama in final health vote push.”

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Obviously the story’s subject is very, very important but today isn’t decision day in the Senate and so there is little or no news for the idle journalists to write who are constantly being asked to find new angles, threads and much more to justify their expensive existence and that means that any ‘news’ organisation covering the ‘story’ has little or nothing to say and so they produce this sort of nonsense.

To tell the truth (something that seems to be missing from news sites these days) I am surprised that the headline on the BBC site didn’t say “Obama reminds everyone to set their alarm clocks” so that they get to work on time and are able to vote.

Surely if there were less headline non-news stories the news media would have more room for other stories that somehow get sidelined and then the real ‘news’ when it breaks would be important and less of a ‘relief’ that the story has finally died. But then what do I know I am just a Cat after all.

I am sure that you dear readers have our very own pet non-news stories and I would love to hear them.

In the meantime this clever Cat is off to hear why Africa’s Elephants are keeping scientists guessing then I might do bit of crystal ball gazing and read New US-Russia nuclear deal ‘soon’ of course after all of that I am going to do the most constructive thing you can with the Sunday newspapers, light a fire!

Don’t forget that you can get a much more interesting read here www.thecatsdiary.com for free or you can part with a bit of cash for a great read here Amazon.com

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The Cat Thanks Everyone

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This good looking Cat would like to thank everyone who came to the ‘Bring A Prawn Dance!’ last Saturday/Sunday and for some hardened party goers Monday too!

All in all we had a wonderful time in general and as you can see from the picture it got just a little wild.

Actually I do wish that I had used a picture on the invitations because some people and I won’t mention any names here brought err, how can I put this – oh yes – complete idiots, instead of Prawns.

Apparently a ‘Prawn’ in the human language can also mean a person who is not only not quite the ticket and has bought a bus ticket when they should have got one for a train, what can I say?

Well I suppose I could say that we had a right royal time with the idiots, but I won’t because a lot of people have accused me recently of being a bit of a royal basher and those who know me will agree that isn’t true, give me a choice between a Prawn and a royal and I will always eat the Prawn!

Actually I heard from a ‘reliable’ source that a well known royal had bought my best selling book and loved it, apparently it props the drawing room door open perfectly!

I wonder if they bought it here at Amazon.com that would have been nice.

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Lighting A Candle For The Cat

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I have been on of those tidy ups that leaves you a little nostalgic for the past and so I just thought that I would share my favourite photograph from last year with you. It is a picture of me, of course.

“Such a good looking Cat!” I hear you say and then add and “so talented,” you are very kind and of course unerringly accurate.

The reason why I wanted to share this picture with you all my cuddly and mostly nice smelling readers – apart from you at the back, the old one smelling of Old Spice, have you tried to wash that rubbish off? Is that I thought I would do a round up of the year of 2009 finally and for good by talking about it a little for one last time before we all launch off into the future which of course is called 2010.

You know the sort of things that make you smile from another year swept under the carpet the personalities, the fun and the talented people you meet along the way who don’t annoy you too much because you experience them in small doses.

Then it struck me I will only be talking about myself and you all know me by now I am wonderful and then a little beyond wonderful and so here is my favourite picture of me, keep it safe won’t you, it is like me, remarkable valuable ‘franchisewise’ as someone said though it wasn’t any of the executives of HIT they are all saying where’s the money gone? I imagine.

So what was the best thing that happened to you this year? Was it discovering my blog or reading my book, or did I touch you in a crowd and heal you? I have been known to do that by accident of course, I normally charge for healing sessions.

For me, and let’s face it this is my blog and so it has to be about the superstar sensation of the year, the best thing that happened to me was to see my book rocket up the bestsellers list oh and of course meeting people.

I meet a lot of people in my line of work – superstar, and once the heavies get them to stop pawing the pussy – if you see what I mean – they chat. Obviously most of the people who meet me are a little in awe of me but I like that.

So people are ok, though still a bit scary on mass I think, and at a couple of book signings for my wonderful masterpiece ‘Getting Out Excerpts From A Cat’s Diary’ you can get a sneak peek here www.thecatsdiary.com or better still (for me) you can buy it here <a href="http://amazon.com" that they got a bit carried away which wasn't nice at all.

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Typos, Best Selling Authors and Mary Queen of Scots

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As a world famous writer and good looking Cat, have you read my latest masterpiece – ‘Getting Out Excerpts From A Cat’s Diary’ you can get a sneak peek here www.thecatsdiary.com or better still (for me) you can buy it here Amazon.com by just copying and pasting the title of my award winning book in their search thingy.

All of which means that as you can probably imagine that as an author I have had a lot practice inserting odd and frankly erratic letters into words and I wondered if anyone else did that sort of thing as often as I seem to do!

To check this I decided to pay particular attention when reading the books of other authors, who are nearly as famous as me, and not drift off as I usually do! Guess what I found that lots of modern authors have loads of words in their books that have – how can we put this – er ‘challenging’ spellings.

I read with a smile in one of Jeremy Clarkson’s books yes that is the Jeremy Clarkson from Top Gear Top Gear.com and the Sunday Times The Times.co.uk no less, that someone was ‘whinning’ when he was talking about coming first and indeed there weren’t at all displeased when they won!

What is so dreadful about these typos is that his books are a bit of a rip off and this is because they consist of articles first published in the UK’s Sunday Times.

Then they are used as Fish and Chip wrappers before being collected up and bundled into a book or 12, which means that at least one sub-editor has missed the mistyping of Mr. Clarkson and if the publishers were interested in quality (yes, I managed to type that with a straight face) they would surely have had someone proof the copy before it was turned into a paperback book wouldn’t they? Which means that two proof readers missed the typos etc.

The use of typos to confuse readers is not a new trend though old Charlie Dickens was as adept as I am with changing the order of the letters in words – I prefer the think that us geniuses do that rather than suggest that we just don’t know how to spell things.

And this is to say nothing of Will Shakespeare yet! But then it was as you may know was a common practice in merry old England (or is that ‘merrie olde’ England) in Elizabethan times or is that tymes, to do that sort of thing a lot.

Based on this I have come to the conclusion that the Elizabethans were just very bad typists, well there can’t be any other reason for the dreadful spelling in the paragraph below.

The paragraph of gibberish is taken from an account of the trial and execution of Mary Queen of Scots written by Henry Grey, Earl of Kent, one of the principal Commissioners at the Queen’s trial and execution:-

‘… then laye shee downe verye quietlye stretchinge out her bodye, & layinge her necke over the blocke, cryed, In manus tuas domine, &c. One of the  executioners held downe her hande[s], the other did w[i]th 2 strokes of an axe cut of her head, w[hi]che (falling of her attire) appeared verye graye & near powled [bald] … the blooddye cloathes, the blocke, & what soever els bluddye was burned, in the chimneye fyer

Just for your convenience and sanity I have translated some of the weirder words that for some reason have fallen into disuse like “powled.” But still it is nonsense even I can type better than that, and I am a Cat!

Actually I have to apologise about the image for some reason I couldn’t find a photograph of the execution of Mary Queen of Scots which was a bit of a shame or indeed a photograph of her at all, which just goes to show how good the Elizabethans were when they set about erasing someone from history.

In addition I would like to make one observation on the painting of the execution of Mary Queen of Scots, she was a bit dim wasn’t she? After all even this Cat knows that you have to face the floor when kneeling over the execution block so that the man with the chopper has a fair chance!

Silly Queen!

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Just How Cruel Are Humans?

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I saw a headline today on a news website which read “Early mammals floated to Madagascar!” I ask you how cruel is that? Why would anyone want to float early mammals or indeed any mammals to Madagascar it is a long way isn’t it?

“Ok!” I thought to myself, “so Madagascar is a nice place but don’t they have plenty of mammals of their own?” And not only that isn’t it a little cruel to float any mammal anywhere, with or without their consent!

And there is so much more that is wrong about this headline, not only is there the consent issue, floating over to Madagascar from Africa means that the poor little animals have such a long way to float, are little mammals that bouyant?

And not only that what if they drifted just a little off course, where would they end up? The Southern Ocean is the answer and that is a terrible place for several reasons, the seas are so rough and cold there but worst of all there isn’t any land for thousands of miles in any direction and the only people fool enough to cross the Southern Ocean are lone yachtsmen or yachtswomen and can you imagine what it would like to be stranded with one of them? It would be simply awful!

First they probably haven’t had an intelligent conversation with anyone since they left England twenty thousand miles ago, oh yes of course they would have visited Australia but in my experience you can’t get an intelligent conversation there so they would just talk constantly!

Then worst of all the lone yachtsman or yachtswoman would be very, very annoyed and that is because they are supposed to do their intrepid stuff alone, the clue of course is in the title “lone yachts etc,” so they probably would make any floating mammal who hopped on board very unwelcome indeed.

Which all goes to show that floating early mammals to Madagascar is a thoroughly bad idea, just because the poor devils are early to rise in the morning well that is what this good looking Cat thinks.

On a different subject have you been to my website recently the techie bods there have been working like little slaves bless them and have found a way to put this blog on my site, so if you want a double treat go to my site the cat’s diary one here – www.thecatsdiary.com I hope you enjoy it as much as I always do!

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I Have Been Very Busy!

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Hello all of my sad and faithful readers. I am sorry that you might feel a little neglected at the moment, but I have been doing so many things that I have even had to start multi tasking my multi tasking and then there is the snow ho hum.

But please don’t worry I of course I haven’t forgotten about you lovely cuddly readers, Cats are like Elephants (as the picture of good old Ginger in his Elephant suit demonstrates) we don’t forget.

Well to be honest we aren’t that much like Elephants on the outside though, our noses are small thank goodness, and our ears only stick out a bit, and then their is the size… but I think you know what I mean.

I am sorry that the picture of Ginger is a bit out of focus and frankly not up to the usual standard that, I know, you expect from my wonderful blog but this good looking Cat was laughing too much to keep his paws still when he took it, Ginger is such a comedian. I am only glad that I managed to straighten up once to snap the snap if you see what I mean, I was doubled with laughter the whole time.

Ginger kept shaking the tree and whining “I’m stuck, please help, I’m going to fall,” which worried the hell out of the lunchtime shoppers below I can tell you!

Sadly Ginger is in a cast at the moment and I don’t mean in yet ‘another’ revival of Lord Lloyd Webbers musical “Cats” which borrowed all of its creative genius from his usual sources! Oh no, Ginger, being the clown that he is decided it would be a great idea to do a paw stand shortly after the picture above was taken and… well what can I say it wasn’t a particularly great idea at all!

But you have to hand it to Ginger, the Elephant suit was a masterpiece! It is the opinion of all Cats that we start wearing ‘suits,’ because for too long female humans have been wearing Cat suits and now it’s our turn.

One small problem with the Elephant suit we all agreed upon was the sheer weight of it, we could hardly move with all of that padding strapped on, I felt like at least two Mrs. Doubtfires I have to say.

But one thing we did agree on is that we will be wearing other fancy dress costumes so the next time you seen your favourite movie star on TV you might take a closer look to check that it isn’t a Cat in more than a Hat!

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Some More Personal Information

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A lot of people ask me about me, and although I am a subject that I never tire of speaking about I feel do have to admit that I feel dreadfully limited when talking about myself and that is simply because I am wonderful, have done so much, am so good looking and of course have endless talent all of which means I just don’t have enough time to tell people who are interested in me, about me, to say nothing of the people who aren’t interested in me.

Of course I have pondered what to do about this dilemma and happily have come up with what I am sure you will agree is quite a brilliant little ruse.

I thought I would, on an occasional basis, share some of my likes, dislikes, thoughts and so much more with you in little one line statements of truth!

It is better to call them ‘truths’ so that no one bothers to check to see if they are actually true! Have you noticed that it is something politicians learned many years ago around the time they also learned to shed their skins, to say nothing of the art of pretending to be in control when things have got so bad that if they were driving a car instead of running a country the steering wheel would have come off in their hands just as the speedo reached 160 mph, which of course converted for our metric only readers is um… very fast indeed.

So here, you lucky people is my little fact of the day, it is of course all about me and utterly true!

The largest number of books I’ve sat on, at one time, is 13!

Now don’t forget that you can also discover so much more about me if you buy my masterpiece of a book “Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary” which is still available at Amazon.com for next to nothing and have been described as wonderful not only by the author!

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A Happy Holiday For All

Sadly a large number of my blogs have been described as frivolous and I would like to do something about that and talk today about something that is a very serious problem facing almost every nation in the world.

The recent financial crisis. There are three or four truths about the recent financial crisis.

Yes it has been terrible!

No it wasn’t expected.

Yes banks including the federal reserve banks of most countries were responsible for the terrible event and no they weren’t punished they seem in fact to have been rewarded.

So those are the truths about the recent financial crisis but there is one more which it seems has gone un-noticed at the moment and that is that we together, us bods in the street, can get ourselves our of the mire and general doggie do do that the banks got us into.

The way that us ordinary bods in the street can do this is by spending money this Christmas cleverly and allowing money to flow again into and through the world’s financial systems and a wonderful way to do that would be to buy a copy of my book at Amazon.com and if you want to ensure that it is a work of absolutely pure genius then you can get a sneak peek here at my ‘www‘- wickedly, wonderful website.

If you buy my book at Amazon.com then not only will you be assured of getting it delivered before Christmas you will be helping to kick start the economy, for that you should be rewarded, and you will be, with a great read.

This wish that you buy my book is the first of many Happy Holiday Wishes from me to you, which may or may not be centred around you purchasing my latest masterpiece, written by a really good looking Cat!

I do wish you all a Happy Holiday.

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Tiger Woods, The Cat Rolls Up His Sleeves and Dives In

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Mixing metaphors is like mixing drinks, it can produce an intemperate tirade of nonsense, similar to the intoxicatingly dumb and boring stories that currently beset poor, only in the sad stakes, Tiger Woods.

Now I have to say that of course I really have difficulty stirring myself to defend an idiot, and as the once mighty Tiger has admitted in so many words he was an idiot, but as a Feline I feel it is my duty to defend a Tiger, no matter how faded and tarnished this idiot’s image may be.

So after talking on the phone to my people who talked to the Tiger’s people who shared some black coffee with the Tiger, here is a short statement that both sides have agreed upon.

“Tiger Woods is not such a bad person you know and is was only practising at the 19th hole!”

As Eight-time Grand Slam winner Andre Agassi said when he awoke recently, don’t be so cruel to the Tiger and don’t judge him too harshly. “It’s irresponsible to jump to conclusions on Tiger Woods without the full facts after recent claims about the golfer’s private life…” Then he dropped off to sleep again.

Just remember that incredibly rich people have a right to let off steam once in a while and better still have, if they are sensible, a large number of PR people who can ensure usually that the ‘facts’ are never ‘full’ by any means.

So quite frankly my advice to the tarnished Tiger is to get better PR people. Frankly I would have thought that a small car crash in possibly an alcoholic haze, while possibly beating your wife with a five iron can be smoothed over rather easily if you have the right PR people, just ask the Kennedy clan!

Finally I have to say that as of this moment in time there is not going to be any announcement regarding the replacement of the Tiger with The Cat on the side of some bottles of Gatorade. Frankly just like the disgraced Tiger, The Cat would only drink that rubbish on camera and for large amounts of the folding stuff, but a Kitty has got to live! So watch this space.

However here at The Cat HQ (a sober and clean place where no wife beating has ever taken place) we were sent the picture below by an anonymous advertising agency, who simple asked The Cat for his opinion on some new artwork.

As of this moment that is all we can say on the subject of the new and improved Gatorade which, never fear, will be on the shelves for the Holiday Season.

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