Tag Archives: Cat

The Resilience Of Donkeys

So here is a little story I came across that happily has nothing to do with palestine, pollution, politics or the pesky royals, although I have to say that the Donkey in the story looks a lot like most of the female members of the house of Windsor, especially fat Fergie’s brood, and the really ‘harrowingly beautiful’ princess Anne and below is a picture of the Donkey likeness in question.

Please remember when you look at the pictures that the Donkey is the animal in distress in the Well and the princess is the animal in de dress.

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So why was the princess in the dress? Well that is simple this was a royal official picture, sorry “portrait” taken about 90 years ago and still used today.

More interestingly the Donkey was in the Well because the poor animal fell in! Sadly that wasn’t the end of the Donkey’s trials and tribulations because the farmer decided that the Donkey and the Well were both surplus to his long term agricultural requirements (and in that the Donkey had a lot in common with the ‘fair’ princess and the rest of the royals), so he decided to fill in the Well and in doing so bury the Donkey alive.

Obviously that could be considered a little harsh but let’s face it farmers are, in the main, bastards and so this sort of behaviour is quite in character.

Well, the Donkey in the Well proved to be a credit to his stubborn and resilient race and as the farmer shovelled more and more earth into the Well (and of course over the Donkey) the Donkey just shook the earth off his back, sending the shovelfuls to the floor of the Well, then he stood on top of the earth that had fallen. And he kept doing that until he was able to climb out of the Well, kick the farmer and live a totally unfruitful life being too old to work and happily became a significant burden on the farmer, who couldn’t get rid of the Donkey because his time in the Well made him famous and modern society says that you mustn’t kill minor celebrities even on your own farm.

There is of course a moral for all of us here and that is to simply shake off everything that is thrown at us and then trample it under foot.

So The Cat says good on you Mr. Donkey! Sadly I don’t know his or indeed her name but if he or she were this Cat’s Donkey I would call him ‘Rex’ which I believe is a fine name and shouldn’t simply be confined for use on Dogs and Kings and should be used more often, especially on Donkeys.

Tomorrow I hope to bring you a great story about a Cat called Milly who is without a doubt a Cat after my own heart, till then dear reader Purrs and Noses.

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I Might Have Just Been A Tiny Bit Wrong!

Please sit down and be prepared for a shock. It seems that I may have been just a tiny bit wrong about the flooding in the Czech republic yesterday and that is because the Czech republic is flooded, but not my bit of it, up here in the Eagles nest as it were.

So just to prove that no Cat is perfect here is a picture of the ‘devastation,’ I use the emphasis because I have yet to see any devastation personally and can’t find any photographs of the ‘event.’

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I did hear that there is a town up near the border with the old west that is cut off and they were evacuating people but really doesn’t anyone remember 2002 when the Metro in Prague was full of water and some areas were 20 feet under it, I have no sympathy with anyone who didn’t take that as a warning and move to higher ground like the place I live in there would really have to be a flood of Noah proportions to get water to lap at my threshold.

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Cat Got Your Tongue?

“Has the Cat got your tongue?” Is like all of those humans expressions about Cats it casts Cats in the role of villain and quite frankly not at all nice.

Why is it that Cats have such a bad reputation when it comes to old sayings or expressions? It is something I have puzzled about when sitting very comfortably and warmly on various human laps and knees recently as apparently the flood water in Central Europe gets deeper and Poland, Hungary and the Czech republic start to drown, but back to that later.

Honestly I have no idea why Cats have such a bad reputation and would be interested to hear from any reader why they think it is the case! Apart, of course, from the reader who asked me why I hadn’t written a blog for a few days and they, in turn, hadn’t had anything funny to read.

Well I replied to them that they really ought to read my book of course book which anyone can easily get here at Amazon.com as if you all need reminding tee hee, and I also let them into a bit of a secret and that is that everyone will soon be able to read my wonderful book on a Sony eReader because those nice people at Sony and this wonderful Cat are going to start ‘bundling’ my amazing ebook with their cute eReader so that you can all buy them as a set if you see what I mean – do contact me for details.

Still the note from my fan did make me think about the phrase “Has the Cat got your tongue?” though, and I thought that I would share those thoughts with you below.

1. What would a Cat do with your tongue or indeed anyone else’s tongue – make a tongue necklace? I hardly
think so!
2. Where would we keep all of the tongues we collect? We don’t have pockets you know, or if we do I have never found mine!
3. Old sayings are as mental as the people who use them.
3. Couldn’t really think of a third point.
3. I think I am a little confused with the numbering system here and anyway I am getting bored with this
list.
4. Dropped off for a while until I was woken up by someone standing up and me falling on my feet (of course).
5. Why do humans stand up unexpectedly when a warm Cat is comfortably asleep on their lap?
6. I may have lost my train of thought and veered off the subject I was thinking about!
7. What was the subject?
8. What am I doing here.
9. Does existentialism have any relevance to the modern feline.
10 My head hurts!

It is so unlikely that a Cat and this cat in particular would want to steal a human tongue that I had to commission an artist to show a Cat stealing a tongue.

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Artist’s impression of Cat lulling human to sleep before stealing tongue.

One last thing before I go off to find a lap and have a well deserved sleep. The weather here has been pretty terrible recently ‘but’ and it is a very big but just as the idea that Cat’s collect tongues is a myth so is the ‘fact’ reported by the BBC News that the Czech republic, Poland and Hungary are flooded – they aren’t I promise you, so please stop if you were reaching for the inflatable life raft catalogue and wondering if they deliver to Prague. Prague and the surrounding countryside is as dry as a bone, or it was a couple of days ago when I flew over it on my way back from Moscow – the Russian bless them are buying my book now.

Not only that currently I am looking out over Prague from the largest film studios in Europe on a hill above Prague where I can see for miles or kilometres as they say here and I can’t see a drop of water that isn’t in the place it should be ie., the Vltava river which flows, usually in an orderly fashion, through Prague and then down to Slovakia where it is given a new name and eventually ends up in the sea somewhere.

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Artist’s impression of BBC news imaginary flood water.

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I Am A Polite Cat – I Promise

I got a fan email the other day and after I replied wondered why I was labelled as “rude!”

The fan email I received was amazingly brief and I thought I would acknowledge that fact. Here let me show you what the correspondent said and what my reply was and let you my wonderful fans decide if I am not as polite a Cat as I though I was and therefore if I am not entirely rude that I am on the borders of being rude.

The fan wrote – “Just wanted to say hi!”

I answered – “Well thank you very much, I look forward to your next sentence with bated breath har ha.”

Now I don’t think that was rude do you, but then one Cat’s humour is another Cat’s rudeness I suppose.

The picture? Well I thought we should have something different today, they say a “change is as good as a rest” don’t they! Not only that this will really annoy Dave the Cat who thought that all of the copies of this picture had been destroyed hee hee!

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So this is a picture of my friend Dave the Cat, doing his impression (or so he says) of The Cat in the Hat – impressed? I wasn’t!

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No Bodies In The Bin Today

Happily there weren’t any bodies in the bins today (see yesterday’s post for more gruesome details) just lots of sun shining out over Prague. Looking out of the window today you could actually see silvery traces of spider’s webs trailing down to the Spruce trees (the original Christmas trees).

Spruce trees are interesting because before hops was used to add flavour to beer they used to use the young shoots of the Spruce tree and it gives a very aromatic flavour apparently – there don’t say you don’t learn anything while reading this Cat’s blog, not that beer is of particular interest to this or other Cats I have to say which just goes to show hoe ‘giving’ I am just like Bono – the climate clown.

Speaking of Bono and climate clowns, I have to say sadly that when I looked out of the window today I did see a bluish grey haze which I imagine is pollution, not a good sign.

But in the defence of the cloud of pollution it was a sort of lyrical hazy blue pollution cloud and not the same as the one that sweats over London, is a sort of sulphurous yellow and is intent on giving children asthma and cutting up to nine years off the life span of the residents.

Did you see that the UK is going to be fined for the over pollution of their bit of planet, the problem is Bus and Taxi exhaust – well they got rid of the cars in London.

Don’t you agree that it is a shame that no one fines India and China as well because they can teach the world a thing or two about pollution, if nothing else.

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Above is a picture of the pollution (on a good day – there are no floating dead cows/humans) at India’s most sacred river, the Ganges, goodness knows what the not so sacred rivers look like or are full of!

Well this didn’t turn out to be a very funny blog which is a shame I like to make my readers smile a little even if they don’t laugh out loud, which by the way is never a good thing to do in public especially if you are alone because people around you will think that you are a little mad.

Tomorrow I plan to add a blog that will make you laugh and so I will not look out of the window before I write it I promise and hopefully then I won’t be tempted to get on to the subject of pollution.

So tomorrow I think we should talk about fish, yes what fun, we haven’t talked about fish for a long time have we?

By the way does anyone know what U2’s ‘Bono the Climate Clown’s’ real name is? I bet it is Jeff but spelt Geoff don’t you? Do let me know if you know what his real name is and indeed if you like U2, not that I care of course I just like to hear from my readers.

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Prawns With Feelings!

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People are surprised when I say that I read, but frankly it isn’t anything special is it? ‘Reading’ that is, not being ‘surprised!’ In fact being surprised is a little boring if like some people you are surprised all the time, because it means that you haven’t got much in the way of an imagination.

People are also surprised when I talk to them, a Cat that talks “what did they put in my coffee?” People usually ask, then they ask if I am a ‘special’ Cat and of course as well as being clever and a good looking Cat I am special, but not in the sense that has been used to denigrate people (and this Cat once) I hasten to add.

It is odd what some people think is normal and other people think is ‘unusual’ isn’t it? But when all is said, read and done I am mostly just a regular Cat who happens to read, talk and of course write wonderful books what make people split stitches – literally and literary if you see what I mean.

Just read one of the lovely reviews on Amazon.com if you chose to disbelieve me, which by the way is a great insult to Cats because we can’t, as I have said before, ‘lie’ which is a terrible shame if you want to know, and has hampered my career I am sure.

So to prove I am just a regular ordinary Joe type of Cat I thought I would talk about Prawns again, I was reading the other day that scientists have discovered that Prawns have feelings, no honestly they have!

I must say I thought it was a bit daft when I read it and imagined all of the Prawns who’s feelings I had obviously hurt in the past, poor little fellows.

Then I started to think about the scientists. What an odd bunch they must be to actually be interested in Prawns’ feelings in the first place, then as my mind burrowed deeper in to the whole Prawn feeling thing I started to wonder just what the research goals of the scientists was.

Did they think that Prawns’ feeling might be easier to research and study than humans? Did they think that by discovering if Prawns had feelings then they could use that information in say space, or industry? I wonder and of course doubt that they could.

Then I thought what a load of nonsense humans get up to. Then I decided that I would like to offer a nice home to anyone who has either very delighted or depressed Prawns, I know a great way to make them happy and of course become so much happier myself.

Lastly, though of course with me you don’t know that this paragraph will in fact be the last one of course, I must apologise for mentioning Prawns again, it is I have to say a bit of a habit with me, but I suppose it proves that I am just a Cat after all!

Finally tee hee and oops! I thought there was another paragraph in me – you can learn all about Prawns in my ‘un-put-down-able’ book I suggest that if you haven’t bought it Amazon.com is as good a place as any to get it, your eyes will love you and if you don’t laugh a lot then I will eat my words – so long as they are ‘Prawns, Prawns, Prawns…’ yes I am sure you get the picture!

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Just How Cruel Are Humans?

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I saw a headline today on a news website which read “Early mammals floated to Madagascar!” I ask you how cruel is that? Why would anyone want to float early mammals or indeed any mammals to Madagascar it is a long way isn’t it?

“Ok!” I thought to myself, “so Madagascar is a nice place but don’t they have plenty of mammals of their own?” And not only that isn’t it a little cruel to float any mammal anywhere, with or without their consent!

And there is so much more that is wrong about this headline, not only is there the consent issue, floating over to Madagascar from Africa means that the poor little animals have such a long way to float, are little mammals that bouyant?

And not only that what if they drifted just a little off course, where would they end up? The Southern Ocean is the answer and that is a terrible place for several reasons, the seas are so rough and cold there but worst of all there isn’t any land for thousands of miles in any direction and the only people fool enough to cross the Southern Ocean are lone yachtsmen or yachtswomen and can you imagine what it would like to be stranded with one of them? It would be simply awful!

First they probably haven’t had an intelligent conversation with anyone since they left England twenty thousand miles ago, oh yes of course they would have visited Australia but in my experience you can’t get an intelligent conversation there so they would just talk constantly!

Then worst of all the lone yachtsman or yachtswoman would be very, very annoyed and that is because they are supposed to do their intrepid stuff alone, the clue of course is in the title “lone yachts etc,” so they probably would make any floating mammal who hopped on board very unwelcome indeed.

Which all goes to show that floating early mammals to Madagascar is a thoroughly bad idea, just because the poor devils are early to rise in the morning well that is what this good looking Cat thinks.

On a different subject have you been to my website recently the techie bods there have been working like little slaves bless them and have found a way to put this blog on my site, so if you want a double treat go to my site the cat’s diary one here – www.thecatsdiary.com I hope you enjoy it as much as I always do!

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Bonus Blog – Read Here Please!

Snow Scene.jpg

In response to one contributor I have added a special bonus blog today which is of course free of charge but if you feel ‘disposed’ after you have relieved yourselves you can send a donation to help keep this blog free?

Sorry I got confused with the free Wikipedia service for a moment and didn’t manage to comment on the word disposed did I?

It has always seemed to me that the word – ‘disposed’ that is – is not used nearly enough, we often hear the someone or the other is ‘indisposed,’ but rarely if ever that they are back up and running and are now ‘disposed’ to do whatever it is that we were all disappointed that they didn’t do in the first place.

Assuming you followed that last sentence then the next leap of logic is just a small very manageable one, here hold my paw and let’s jump together!

So if there is a word disposed STOP I checked there is! Then it is a little redundant and under used, and that is sad for a word it has to be said, yes the word has to be said and of course the comment has to be said as well, it is sad for a word to be so neglected.

In my role as self appointed “Shepherd of the English Language” I feel that it is my duty to herd words like ‘disposed’ back into general use and I am sure that you will agree I am doing a pretty good job with the word ‘disposed’ aren’t I?

The trouble with ‘disposed’ I think is that when you hear that someone is ‘indisposed’ it sort of suggests that they have a lot of troubles doesn’t it?

Ok I usually think that someone who is ‘indisposed’ is stuck in the loo and is not able to complete the task that they went in there for, if you see what I mean and using the most polite way to describe what they went into the loo for without saying that they went off for a poo and couldn’t! Oops!

So if we generally agree on what ‘indisposed’ means or what it suggests to us simple folk then imagine if we were to hear that the Queen, a Film Star or a Politician (have fun and insert a name here) was ‘disposed’ we would for, hopefully, a very brief moment imagine them sighing with relief as, how can I put this, “things happened!”

Not a pretty sight in the mind’s eye is it, but then I have to insist that it is not the fault of the word ‘disposed’ that we think like that is it, it is of course because of our over active imagination and of course the knowledge that ‘poo’ jokes work on every level!

Anyway I am glad we cleared that up, the real point of the bonus blog, yes this one, is that I mentioned that it was Snowing and ‘V’ cold here metrically and um-di-dum-dit-itly (what is the opposite of metric I don’t know)!

Anyway some kind reader the type I like who has bought, read and enjoyed my blockbusting book “Getting Out Excerpts From A Cat’s Diary” written by this good looking Cat I have to confess and available here Amazon.com asked me to describe what it was like outside in the snow and frost at home in snowy Tunbridge Wells and so because I always do what my faithful readers suggest, blindly and stupidly as it turned out!

Earlier today I went outside into a very white world, I did a better job of Capt’n Scott of Antartic fame in getting to my objective across the ice and snow, in my case my objective was the top of the drive and the very peaceful and deserted road.

When I got to the top of the drive I looked out over the landscape it was very white, soft, curvy and clean, like a 1940’s B Moviestar’s bum. Carefully I felt the ice beneath my paws and was just about to lick the snow, as instructed once again, when I slipped and fell over.

As I slid down the footpath I bumped into Mrs. Plasticmac who you may have heard of if you have bought my book, she is the Cat rescuing cretin from across the road and down a bit, she slipped and joined me on the ground and we both slid down the hill like a mis-matched Winter Olympic Bobsleigh team that had turned over on the first bend and were still hurtling down the course because we were trapped inside and far too incompetent to do anything about our situation.

It was as always just my luck to see out of the corner of my eye a massive snow plow heading up from the direction of the Chief Constable’s house.

The snow plow was upside down which I thought was a little odd, but then I realised that it wasn’t upside down at all and worse we Mrs. Plasticmac and I were going to be snow blown any second now.

This was a first for me as it happened and of course after it happened I was too dizzy to ask if Mrs. Plasticmac had ever been blown in the snow before? But then as she was in shock she probably wasn’t in any fit state to comment, talk or indeed stop making odd squeaking noises and dribbling.

Me! Oh I was ok, thanks for asking! As the lighter of the two objects ‘blown’ by the snow plow’s blower I somehow got caught up in Mrs. Plasticmac’s sensible tweed skirt and (unfortunately) thermal underwear and so I missed most of the nastier bits of the snow blowing experience, although until I crawled out of Mrs. Plasticmac’s under things I thought I had gone blind because it was so dark in there!

Still I slipped out easily enough, hopped onto the branch of a tree and carefully climbed down from the roof back to the safety of the ground and into the warm arms of a nice friendly neighbour.

Mrs. Plasticmac had, I thought decided to take the opportunity of clinging to a neighbour’s chimney to take in the view out across the snow covered fields and woodland and I had to admire her, it was jolly cold up there and as a wind had got up and it was beginning to snow heavily rather game of her I thought!

As usual the Firemen were wonderful and in a jiffy, well three hours, is not a jiffy I know, but there was a blizzard to contend with of course they started the ‘recovery’ operation. And what a very complicated operation it was to recover Mrs. Plasticmac.

The Firemen used a blowtorch to melt the bits of Mrs. Plasticmac’s clothing that had become completely frozen to the chimney and after quite a while, I have to say, they managed to get her down.

You know I was happy for Mrs. Plasticmac in two ways, that was the second time she had been blown in a day, which probably for her was something of a record, and of course she would have something interesting to talk about at coffee mornings now, well after she leaves hospital of course.

Isn’t it funny there is always a bright side to everything you just sometimes have to really root around to find it don’t you?

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Who Is Responsible For This Outrage?

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Do you know what? I love being outraged! Don’t you? There is nothing quite like a good rant at someone’s expense and of course it makes a nice change for me to do a bit of ranting rather than be ranted at.

Normally, for some reason that I haven’t ever quite fathomed out, people and of course I mean humans here, like to rant about the things I do, such as a little al fresco pooing behind the TV.

I don’t know about you but I get really bored digging in a litter tray four or five times a day and so once in a while I like to ‘go’ elsewhere, what’s wrong with that I ask you? Nothing of course! The humans tend not to agree though, bless them, and get just a little annoyed with me, then they do a bit of ranting after I slope off behind the TV.

Now it is my turn to rant! As you can see from the picture above some Cats, for reasons best known to themselves, do a bit of ad hoc jumping, probably I think to entertain humans. I say if that is what they like to do then why not, it doesn’t hurt anybody does it.

Actually I have to stress at this point that I never jump in public – Cats are supposed to be laid back – it would ruin our image.

But recently I have seen the results of Cats demonstrating their jumping skills to humans just look at the picture below.

The picture was sent to me from a “well wisher” and I have to say that it is just about the most awful thing I have ever seen. How can a sane human do this to an innocent Cat? No, I don’t know either. This sort of behaviour isn’t nice and it isn’t natural is it?

Maybe the Cat in the picture was bad, if so what on earth did he or she do that was so terrible that he or she had to be tortured in such a way as this?

Even the good Catholics in the Spanish Inquisition didn’t behave like this, or was that because aeroplanes hadn’t been invented?

Please if you know of anyone who had a Cat drop on their head recently can you get in touch with me and we will see if we can find a better home for this poor individual I think the Cat needs it don’t you.

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So to any Cats reading my blog and I know a lot of you do, let the above picture be a cautionary illustration and the story of that sad, frightened and tortured Cat be a lesson to you. When you think about jumping for the entertainment of some human or other thing again, think where it might lead.

I don’t know about you by dangling by a few strings 10 inches above the ground is a bad idea as far as I am concerned let alone several thousand feet attached to some homicidal (or is that Felinicidal) human who really and truly should either know better or be locked up immediately.

Lastly this thought just struck me when I was writing about Catholics, is or are Catholics anything to do with Cat Alcoholics? The words are so similar that it makes you wonder doesn’t it?

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Stop For a Moment and Think About Your Furry Friends!

Everyday around the world hundreds of thousands of Cats are going hungry, unloved and mistreated and that is something that shouldn’t be allowed.

But there is some good news and that is that you, yes you can do something about this dreadful state of affairs.

I imagine that you have often said to yourself, “I know it is terrible that there is such cruelty to animals and it is just awful, but what can I do, I just wish I could make things better for the poor little creatures?”

The simple answer is that you can make things better for all the poor little Cats around the world that are being mistreated and go hungry every day.

You can help then one at a time, starting with me. Just buy my book and I promise that I will make sure that I live in total comfort and never go hungry!

And if you really want to help then why not buy a few books, Christmas is coming and they make excellent presents, door stops and solid objects for humans to throw at each other when they are having a row. I typed “when humans are rowing” at first but it didn’t sound right, people throwing my book at each other while enjoying a boat trip?

So what are you waiting for? Type “Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary” into Amazon.com and get my book, it will help save an adorable Cat’s life – me! or cut out the middle man and just send me more than you can afford right now.

Purrs,

The Cat

 

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