Feb 062012
 

Cat in the Snow

Well it has finally happened, Central Europe, and other odd bits attached to this particular bit of the Continent have frozen solid as the temperatures touch paw freezingly awful parts of the thermometer usually unexplored by us middle earth dwellers and more common in chilly bits of the world like Siberia, Alaska and of course the two all-white bits at the top and bottom of any Atlas.

It’s cold here in Prague, currently it’s minus 17C which is about just over 1 degree in Fahrenheit and frankly though it was colder over night -26C (which is minus 15 degrees F) Prague is on the warm side compared to parts of Bulgaria, Serbia, Poland and the Ukraine which and covered in blankets of frozen snow producing daytime temperatures of -30C the ‘C’ in this case meaning ‘cold.’

But as this picture from Kiev (below) shows, where it was -30C, life goes on as it does around most of Europe.

Kiev Tram 30
Indeed as I sit on the windowsill above a radiator which is full on I can see that the roads here are clear, bundles of people in furry coats are bustling here and there and in the distance there is a Tram rattling on its rails while overhead in the ice white sky there are a couple of vapour trails made by aeroplanes using full throttle to take off from the nearby airport.

You could say therefore that the Czech republic like any other civilised modern country is coping well and still – as the ever awful Mrs Thatcher used to say “open for business.” Imagine my surprise then at the headlines of the newspapers from that most modern and go-ahead country of all Great Britain, ‘Just 3 inches of snow halts half of all flights at Heathrow’ and ‘Roads will be like ice rinks for a week, drivers warned.’

UK Snow

What is it with the Brits? The barometer follows the thermometer down and the whole of Britain comes to a halt and that is in spite of having what I read was “records amounts of salt” (used to clear roads in the UK and also to flavour Chips and well everything edible).

Judging by the reports about the roads and the all other forms of transport I imagine the “records amounts of salt” are still safely locked up nice and warm in depots around the country and have been since early December, in fact just like the Queen who begins her Jubilee Year today, she and other members of the royals who have been ensconced in Sandringham a luxury palace in Norfolk on holiday since the middle of December which is rather nice!

Snow in the UK

Of course you get the feeling that the royals would rather be somewhere tropical but in times of hardship in the UK and nervousness about whether or not someone will give them the latest handout that they want – a new royal yacht – they are keeping their heads down in what is probably one of the best and most exclusive spa resorts in the world, though between you and me I bet the decoration is just plain awful, the royals after all have terrible taste and if you ever troll around a royal palace when open to the public you can see that for yourself.

So instead of spending 60 or so million pounds of a shiny new royal yacht for the monarch maybe the people of Great Britain should spend the money wisely, on some nice shiny gritting trucks and polished snow ploughs and if the royals want to they can drive them when they are not on holiday it might actually give them something to do and let’s face it it will be cheaper to the teach them how to drive a truck than it will be to teach them to drive a helicopter which is what they usually want to have a go on!

And looking to the long term when the royals are taken out of service because of budgetary cuts when the country decides it can no longer afford to keep a kennelful they will have a trade that suits their lifestyles, after all it only snows for a few weeks of the year in the UK and so the job of snow shifter would be perfect for them all wouldn’t it?


About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Feb 032012
 

To be honest with you dear cuddly readers (and as I have explained on numerous occasions in the past unfortunately due to be large genetic balls up by the creator Cats find it physically and mentally impossible to tell a lie the only factor in our development that has held us back and allowed humans to run the world I might add, and so I can’t be anything other than honest with you), I find it very difficult to use the ‘F’ word whether in polite or any other type of company and definitely not in my books.

Mind you I remember getting close to using the ‘F’ word in my Cat’s Diary and first masterpiece of Feline Literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts From a Cat’s Diary.’ when I tried to use a card system to express my disapproval with service from Apple Computers giving them four king cards for ‘four king’ awful service!

With the above in mind I secretly admire people who proudly display their total disregard for the ‘F’ word’s detrimental impact and use liberally. In the case of the picture below I believe that John the Chinese cook doesn’t like Chinese food all that much and that’s a shame because although the Chinese do have some absolutely disgusting habits, including menu items they do make some rather sublime din dins, I am thinking here of Szechuan Prawns and Beef Chow Mein to name but a few.

Great Chinese Food

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Jan 312012
 

I should imagine by now that everyone in the world knows that I am a very famous Feline author of several bestselling (thankfully) books, the first ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ sold more copies than the Bible (when translated in to Inuit) and the second ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ is currently outselling the English language version of Steve Job’s biography in Uzbekistan to say nothing of the latest book from Newt Gingrich ‘Newt’s Tips On A Successful Marriage’ which concentrates on being faithful and has a foreword by prince Charles.

Unfortunately as yet neither of my masterpieces of Feline Literature have eclipsed sales of prince Andrew the Duke of York’s latest book ‘Dictators, Autocrats and Paedophiles I Know and Respect’ but then I suppose everyone wants to read a book written by the world’s most famous frequent flyer and discover how they could get so many free trips by displaying pure ignorance and a total lack of judgement. Just a thought I wonder if he will go back to Turkey where there is an outstanding arrest warrant for her ferginess the duchess of York?

And so on to my lovely picture today which I saw while researching my latest unputdownable book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue,’ look Newt and Andrew here is somewhere that will welcome you with open arms, just pop down to the Faith Baptist Church and as the sign says “you will fit right in!”

Is Yours A Dysfunctional Family If So Join The Baptist Church

Just recently and for no reason really, except the website address is on the sign, I went onto the website for the Faith Baptist Church in New Brunswick, Canada and I promise you it was everything I hoped it would be from the ‘Donut Club’ to the desperately cheesy pictures of the happy families who “join us on Sunday.”

Sadly although I spent quite a long time on the website – ok three minutes but I promise you that was all I could bear I am only human oops ‘feline – I didn’t see a single family who looked ‘dysfunctional’ in any way whatsoever although one of the teenagers hanging from a tree looked more than a little strange.

Still I am sure that the sugar fuelled members of the Donut Club, which to quote the Faith Baptist Church’s professional copywriter exactly “The Donut Club is our mid-week children’s program for kids kindergarten through grade 5. Every week they enjoy music, games, a Bible lesson and a special visit from Duncan the Donut. Donut Club meets every Tuesday from 6:30-7:45pm,” will probably carry out sugar induced rampages at some point in time and if you wonder why just as yourself how many Donuts can a kid eat in an hour and fifteen minutes? The answer is an awful lot!

So the only really ‘dysfunctional’ thing about the Faith Baptist Church is their billboard, just look closely at the website and you won’t see any dysfunctional people, not even Duncan the Donut, which is a shame because they tend to be my favourites!


About the Author – The Cat who writes blogs!

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Jan 242012
 

They say you can get a lot of things in Bangkok and as this sign demonstrates ‘anything’ means ‘anything’ in Bangkok unless of course the translator misread the word he or she was supposed to translate for the sign and had ‘testicles’ on the brain – not a nice mental picture.

Testicle Massage In Bangkok

As for this unfortunate Cat I wouldn’t be able to have a testicle massage in Bangkok as readers of my first book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ will recall. Some nice person mentioned to me as I was writing this paragraph that that was a bit sad, ‘A BIT SAD!’ Huh I would call it a crime agains Cat kind!

Lastly what has ‘SMILE TEEN MASSAGE’ got to do with anything? Answers in the usual format please unless this Cat has completely misunderstood what a ‘smiling teen’ has to do with a ‘testicle massage,’ then I think that your answers should be in private only!

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Jan 172012
 

When Is A Monkey park Not A Monkey Park When It s In Japan

Sometimes you see a sign that really asks more questions than it answers, just like this one from the masters of misinformation and translation, the Japanese bless them.

This sign from a Monkey Park (yes you guessed right) is one of the best exhibits of the Japanese tradition of ‘Ru-bbishy’ which roughly translated means ‘nonsense signage.’

I am afraid that is all of the information I can give my dear cuddly readers I thought the Monkey Park was lovely and so did the Monkeys but I never discovered exactly what the Bird and Deer look for which is quite sad because if I had I would have been able to tell everyone in my latest masterpiece of feline literature ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ and put some of the other pictures I took of Japan on the Cat’s Diary www-wickedlywonderfulwebsite www.thecatsdiary.com.

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Jan 162012
 

Good News If You Ever Run Out Of Ladies

I saw this picture and the first thing that came to mind was “what are they thinking about when they wrote this sign?” The answer of course is nothing, no thought whatsoever was used in making this sign, was it?

England has some strange by-laws which come from its dark past (around the time of Mrs. Thatcher’s iron rule) and so I worry for the people who put this sign on a Post Box. It is not only illegal to do something like that but I would imagine carries a sever punishment under the archaic laws of the land. The perpetrators will probably have their Sheep taken away and have their children put into the service of the crown just for starters.

I have always wanted any opportunity to tell my wonderful cuddly readers about some of the mad laws that are still ‘law’ (if you see what I mean) in England and now seems like the perfect chance.

Did you know that it’s illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament? That it’s a treasonable act to place a postage stamp bearing the British king or queen’s image upside down, though of course you can lick the stamp as much as you like!

There are lots of really dumb laws that benefit the English royals one that comes to mind is that the head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the king, and the tail of the queen. What on earth do they want them for?

And when you start to really delve into the nonsense that is English law you discover that eating mince pies on Christmas Day is banned, obviously instead of tucking into Christmas delicacies the law expects ordinary people to be doing something useful and as England is rarely not at war keeping their fighting skills honed is important.

To ensure that Englishmen are ready for war the law of the land still says that all English Men over 14 must have two hours of longbow practice each weekend which has to be supervised by the local clergy.

And don’t ever think that an English person can become as rich as the royal family for example, because under the oddest of English laws and indeed one of the most modern (Tax Avoidance Schemes – Prescribed Descriptions of Arrangements – Regulations 2006) it’s illegal not to tell the taxman something you don’t want him to know on the other hand not telling him things you don’t mind him knowing is fine.


About the Author – The Cat who writes blogs!

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Dec 162011
 

There definitely is something very wrong with this sign and what it says, but I don’t, for the life of me, know what on earth it is, do you?

There Is Something Wrong With This Message But I Don t Know What It Is

I think I know why I have no idea what the human who made this sign was thinking about because I am a nice Cat and I was not only well brought up but I am also really rather innocent.

About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Dec 052011
 

I think that most people and Cats would agree that men’s rooms are not really very nice places, and definitely not places where one would want to linger, unless you are a policeman attempting to catch poor old Mr. George Michael in another weak moment I suppose. However just because men’s rooms are not very nice places that doesn’t mean that visitors should be expected to lower their standards when they enter them does it?

So would someone please tell the Taiwanese that! And if possible do so immediately!

A Very Confusing Sign

Mind you, if most Taiwanese are anything like the ones who used to constantly call my mobile trying to sell me something that rhymes with ‘rap’ then they probably wouldn’t listen. Their nuisance calls got so bad that in the end the only way I could get rid of them was to pretend that I was my brother and answer the phone with a sob then tell then ten times that I was ‘dead!’

They obviously are a bit hard of understanding in Taiwan because it took me that number of times to sob and blurt out the awful ‘truth’ tee hee.

Do use this tactic on unwanted callers if you are fed up with feeling like a sitting duck with a phone waiting for the next completely unsolicited and unwanted call because there is no other way to stop these dreadful people who intrude upon our lives.

The phone regulator that you and I pay for as a hidden ‘extra’ on our phone bill is desperately useless and usually the people making these nuisance calls have hidden or nonexistent numbers.

You can of course ‘improve’ their English by swearing at them but I have personally found on every occasion I have adopted that tactic that, because of their trade and the number of people who have sworn at them, you really have to stretch your vocabulary to find something new that they haven’t been called before and even that won’t shock them into not calling you in the future!


The Cat would like to wish Mr. George Michael a speedy recovery and tell him when he reads this that, “I like his tunes!”

George Michael


About the Author – The Cat who writes blogs!

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Sep 192011
 

It’s really a very exciting day today. I am with my designers in New York going over the final selection of cover designs for my soon to be published second book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue.’

You know I was pleasantly surprised, the cover designs are all really nice, except one that is which uses the most unflattering photograph of me, I do hope that we don’t use that design!

Unfortunately I have discovered that I have a little problem and that problem is that book publishing is (according to my publisher) a collaborative endeavour so we will be using the cover that is chosen by the majority. Mmh what do you think about that dear cuddly reader, you know what they say about things chosen by committees don’t you!

I have to say it came as something of a shock to discover that publishing my book was a “collaborative endeavour” because I would like to know where the designers, my agent Mr. Todd A Leibowitz call me “Todd” and my publisher were when I was knee deep in some of the less attractive countries around the world and just how close they were from swooping in and rescuing me when a mob of Pakistani religious fools were after my ‘Bacon’ just because they thought I was Danish? Not close at all is the answer.

Still I’ll forgive them their stupidity if we “sell as many of these ponies as we did the last Buckaroo!” To quote my Agent Mr. Todd A Leibowitz call me “Todd.” We apparently will be in “millionsville” once again. What can I say? I am so pleased and of course confused.

I am afraid when I listen to my agent Mr. Todd A Leibowitz call me “Todd,” publisher and the designers all talking excitedly at once I feel a little handicapped, not by the fact that they are speaking American, a language which is very close to English the language I first learned when I started to write my first ‘unputdownable’ book, the trouble is that when I hear them all talking at once, firing buzz words into the conversation as if they were machine gun bullets at a we hate Saddam/Americans rally in Iraq I just can’t keep up, and worse every so often they clap a hi five above my head and shout “YAY” when they agree on something all of which is beyond me.

I just hope that the last hi five and round of “YAYS” wasn’t something to do with the committee choosing the design for the book! I feel I should ask but they are just too busy congratulating themselves currently. Maybe there will be time later, although after lunch I am being whisked out to the airport and sent home, yes my agent Mr. Todd A Leibowitz call me “Todd” is paying for my stay which is probably why it’s so short.

Anyway as soon as I can I will post the ‘winning’ design on my blog and hope that all my fans let me know what they think of it. I think it’s really a good idea to let my lovely fans see the cover of my new book in advance of publication because then they will know what to grab off the book store’s shelves.

Of course ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ will not only be available in your local bookstore it will also be available on Amazon.com as an ebook or a proper book and all of the other places you can possibly think of to get ebooks and the old style paper books.

The timing of publication is designed cleverly to catch the Christmas rush if the banks don’t bankrupt us all first! So please make sure that you buy at least two copies and one for your good self dear cuddly reader because they make excellent presents for everyone!

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Jun 202011
 

How do they know that the reader suffers from incontinence that is what I want to know? Sorry About The Incontinence

About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

The Cat & Kindle

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