Tag Archives: Cat’s Diary

Guinea Pig Hunting Step by Step

Guinea Pig Hunting The Cat’s Step by Step Guide

  • Step One Stalk Guinea Pig – Check

  • Step Two – Pounce on Guinea Pig – Check

  • Step Three – Wrestle Guinea Pig to Ground – Check

  • Step Four – Don’t whatever you do fall asleep…

Guinea Pig

About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Bette The Cat With Heart

Nature sometimes is odd and always unpredictable and just to prove that I give you Bette a Cat with a big heart, a big heart on her side!

Bette or to give her her fully name “Bette Davis” (we are going to have to talk about the names you humans give Cats at some time in the very near future aren’t we?) has one of the most unusual fur markings on her side that is literally heart shaped.

But Bette is more than just your average Moggy with an odd shaped birthmark that she will happily show you even when not asked, Bette needs a home. Can you believe that a Cat who embodies love was just dumped at a Cat shelter in February? I don’t like to think that humans do that to their Cats of course, but sadly it doesn’t stop it happening does it?

After nearly a month of kinder care Bette is getting back to her old self, she is no longer emaciated and of course her coat is no longer dirty and dishevelled and her heart is positively glowing.

Bette The Cat With Heart

Like all Cats who have been deserted by their human families Bette needs a home, currently she lives at the Gables Farm Dogs’ and Cats’ Home in Plymouth, Devon, England and if you want to adopt her then of course you will have to live close by especially because the staff there will want to see Bette often because she is so very popular.

On the other paw if you want a Cat do adopt one because there are thousands all over the world waiting for a nice home, but and it is a very big ‘but’ do think about what having a Cat in the family will be like before you start to buy the fuffy mice toys won’t you. Cats are not always the best long term house guests (just read my book “Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary” for more on that), they can be very messy and worst of all they adamantly refuse to do the washing up!

For anyone interested in reading the extreme adventures of a Cat in a house then you can get my masterpiece of feline literature “Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary” here Amazon.com at any good bookstore or from my store at my www.wickedly wonderful website here my store at www.thecatsdiary.com

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My Latest Wonderful Game

You have to try my latest game it’s a Helicopter Game that I have just added to the games page on my www.wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com, the lads and I have been playing it nonstop for a day now.

Dave the Cat holds the record here for having travelled to the Moon which is 238,857 miles – ok he’s a bit of a big head, but if it is any consolation his right paw is definitely falling off – no I know I shouldn’t laugh!

Helicopter Game

This is a great game that’s easy to play – well I found it easy and so did Dave the Cat obviously, you just left click to go up and let go to go down.

I hope you enjoy it and do try to beat Dave the Cat’s record by oh say travelling to the Moon and back tee hee and don’t forget you just left click to go up and let go to go down let me know how you do won’t you so that I can rub Dave The Cat’s nose in it – no sorry I mean so that I can let Dave the Cat know how good you are… simply click here Helicopter Game and you will be sitting in your helicopter ready to play with your joystick – now why does that sound odd!


About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Catliens – They’re Here – Well They’re In The Cold Bit Of Russia

Ok so Russia is fabled for its high level of Vodka consumption but very sober air traffic controllers in the cold east of Russia recently claimed that they were ‘buzzed’ by a UFO travelling at 6000 mph – yes ‘6000 mph.’

And (it gets worse) when they spoke to the pilot she replied “with a female sounding alien voice in a language that was unintelligible but sounded Cat-like,” said one air traffic controller who probably needed at least a double Vodka or five to calm his nerves.

The Cat has decided to call out latest extra terrestrial visitors ‘Catliens’ and hopes that they are just a little more interesting and indeed ‘real’ than ET, who made one great movie but was never heard of ever again! Makes you wonder what Steven Spielberg did with the poor little guy doesn’t it?

The speed of the craft is almost as exceptional as the language of the pilot – what a shame I wasn’t there to translate, maybe I will be called into act as a consultant now that would be a nice little earner wouldn’t it – because it was travelling so fast. If you earthlings look here on Wikipedia you’ll see that the fastest manmade aircraft, the rather terrifying looking, Lockheed SR-71 Blackbird #61-7958 set the fastest time every by a man made jet on 28th July 1976 of 2,193.2 mph while being flown by Capt. Eldon W. Joersz and Maj. George T. Morgan.

Lockheed SR 71 Blackbird

The UFO was assigned a numerical code on the Russian radar of 00000 because the air traffic control system could not identify the aircraft and it can be seen clearly in the picture below flying straight towards the capital of the region Yakutsk. On the picture below I have circled the ‘object’ in red so that you can see it easily!

Radar Image of UFO

The air traffic controller told a passing Aeroflot pilot “I kept hearing some female voice, as if a woman was saying mioaw-mioaw all the time.” Unfortunately as you will hear on the video, which I have
posted on my www.wickedly wonderful website’s new video page my new Video page the air traffic controller’s contact with the Aeroflot pilot was disrupted by interference from the UFO as though it was jamming it – ‘da dah da’ sorry that is not a lot of russian ‘yes’s’ it is obviously a musical accompaniment to a significant fact!

Last night there was no comment from airport officials on the Catlien UFO contact, the video or indeed anything but then we were talking to Russians, which is odd because although the video has only recently come to light it was made some time ago (and surely they would have had time to get their story straight wouldn’t they?) because you can’t see any snow outside the control tower windows and currently Yakutsk is covered in the stuff with an air temperature of minus 30C and that is how it will be for eight months of the year.

Of course some experts, and frankly some people who are totally the opposite, claim that it is widely known that UFOs have made contact and landed on Earth but details have never been made public, is this the first time we, the more general public have made ‘contact?’ Actually that would be nice because ‘Contact’ was a great movie and little what’s her name who starred in it hasn’t really worked since, no let me correct that she hasn’t done anything as good since ‘Contact!’

Oh by the way I thought that I would mention that when I do chat to the other super intelligent Catlike beings I will put in a good word for most humans, but of course a Cat has to live (preferably in luxury) and if anyone feels like chipping in with the expenses then now, I strongly recommend, is ‘the’ time because you’ll go to the top of my list.

If you want to know the things I like you could do some research by reading my book Getting Out – Excerpts Cat’s Diary and you can get it here Amazon.com or you could read my www.wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com and of course it should go without saying that you must make sure that you get my next book which should be in the shops very soon it’s a brilliantly written ‘Travelogue.’

One thing I can assure you earthlings of is that, as yet, I haven’t travelled away from our planet, that is the planet that will belong to Catkind very soon of course it used to be called Earth though as yet we Cats haven’t actually agreed on a new name for our planet.

I can assure you it definitely won’t be called ‘Planet Fish’ as Dave the Cat suggested. He is more annoying than usual after eventually grasping the fact that the new overlords of the earth will be err… us and now keeps making buzzing noises and has stuck a wire coat hanger and two knitting needles into the top of his woolly hat and keeps repeating “I am an alien give me your fish earthling!” Then he throws his wonderful toy Space Rocket, which he got here from my friends at Mad Cat Toys, into the air and whistles like a Pig – or is it more like a Banker – I can never tell the difference.

If you want to do the same as Dave the Cat or just own one of these wonderful toy Space Rockets then do please click the little link that rather convenient says “Mad Cat Toys” on my blog and you will be whizzed there to choose your Space Rocket and more and I’ll get a very small ‘consideration’ for sending you there which is nice isn’t it?

Or if you can’t see the nice little logo of a Mad Cat then click here blog.thecatsdiary.com and you will be taken to my blog’s main page and “hey presto!” As magicians say when they are annoying Rabbits – you will see it!

If you want to see the whole Catlien experience do click here and watch the video on my www.wickedly wonderful website my new Video page where you can actually see that the UFO is travelling at a much faster speed than any of the aircraft nearby.

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Cat Could Be In Contempt Of Court – Humans!!!!

Recently Boston resident Sal Esposito was called for jury service and quite rightly Sal just ignored some idiot human’s flight of fancy and sadly that uncitizen like bravado has landed Sal in a little hot water and he could be in contempt of court.

So is Sal worried? “Not unduly!” He said recently when talking to us here at Cat World and why is that you may ask, well it isn’t because Sal is anything but a model citizen, he is house trained, has been known to catch a Mouse or two in his time and oh yes Sal Esposito is a CAT Cats don’t do ‘worry’ that’s for humans.

Sal the Juror.jpg

So Sal Esposito is like me, ‘feline’ and that means that he really isn’t required to judge his peers because very few Cats find their way into courts and who in their right minds wants to waste time being a juror to judge humans? Not this Cat nor indeed Sal Esposito.

Sal Esposito’s problems began when his humans Anna and Guy Esposito listed him on the last U.S. Census under “pet.”

The government as usual ignored that information and called Sal up to serve on a jury and so Anna carefully filed for his disqualification of service on a jury.

That sounds reasonable doesn’t it – yes of course it does! Sal is remember a “pet” and loads of ‘pets’ serve on jurys in the states. Unfortunately the forms the government send out that have to be filed in for cases like this list the following reasons why a prospective juror may be disqualified.

  • Too old – He wasn’t even in Cat years

  • Being Ill – Nope happily Sal is fit and well

  • He was a convicted felon – Sal is an honest Cat and has never been to prison

So Anna dug deeply into her intellectual resources (which I don’t think have helped her yet) and filed that Sal Esposito “cannot speak English” which is of course true, though why she didn’t, email, write a letter of visit the government department concerned is anyone’s guess, however it is true Sal and most other Cats, unlike this clever cat, doesn’t speak English or indeed write masterpieces in the English language for that matter.

Anna couldn’t have predicted the reply from the jury commissioner who obviously failed to read her disqualification form and denied the request for disqualification.

All of which means that Sal is still required to attend Suffolk Superior Court on March 23 and take part in jury selection I think I want to be there too don’t you dear cuddly reader?

Apparently his humans are still trying to clear up the misunderstanding and quite frankly they don’t seem to stand a chance do they? If they fail, unfortunately Sal will be making his first appearance in court.

Let’s hope that they provide the proper facilities such as a litter tray, Prawns on demand and regular comfort and dozing breaks and let’s all hope that the courtroom doesn’t have Mice or should that read let’s hope that the courtroom does have Mice tee hee.

By the way has anyone noticed how similar Sal and I look – he has a light tan smudge under his nose but in general he is what is known as a very good looking Cat and probably will be a good juror if called, happily I know a translator who is apparently the world’s expert in translating from Cat to English maybe the court could fly him in on an all expenses paid junket to translate for Sal.

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Calling All E-reader Owners

The Cat would like to say a big hello to everyone who was lucky enough to get a nice shiny e-reader for Christmas and extend that very big hello to everyone who got an Apple iPad too.

Just out of interest how many iPad owners are on their second one after their first dreadfully assembled thing broke? Ok! And now how many are on their third iPad? Proving that the bloody Chinese can’t ‘make’ anything properly! Lastly who, like me, are on their fourth iPad proving that Monkeys could make better iPads than the Chinese and that not only do I have a lot of patience but so do the people at the Apple Centre. Of course this is the worst type of indictment against having anything what so ever made in China – we have to stop this nonsense demand that your goods are made locally for good ness sake it will be more economic and eco-friendly in the long run.

What is wrong with having things made in Ohio or Barnsley or indeed Prague? Nothing! These days as wages start to go through the roof in China and the cost to the environment of shipping what tends to be ‘broken’ merchandise out of China makes buying things made badly in China a non-starter.

Sorry I interrupted myself there for a moment, my regular readers are used to that and know that I will always veer or occasionally lurch back to the point which is. Hello to all you good people who got an e-reader or iPad for Christmas.

The Cat on iPad.png

It’s just a thought but if you are looking for something wonderful to read on your new e-reader, Kindle or iPad don’t look any further than my wonderful best selling book you can get in all of the usual formats that will enable you to read it on any e-reader, here’s a tip for ipad users – personally I would download the e-pub version of my masterpiece from my website here at my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com for the simple reason that I will earn more than if you buy it through Apple who have to pay so much for dumping badly made Chinese iPads.

If it is a Kindle edition of my peerless book you are looking for then just simply click here Amazon.com or indeed ‘on’ this wonderful picture of me on the cover of my marvellous unputdownable book.

The Cat & Kindle.png

Oh one last thing! After you have read my wonderful book please let me know here or at the Amazon site here Amazon.com what you think of it I love hearing from new and old fans.

If you have an odd e-reader, that is err… how can I put this a little odd – no that isn’t right what I mean is a cheap Chinese knock off of any of the main branded e-readers or iPads let me know if in the unlikely event that my marvellous ebook doesn’t work on your new machine and I will ensure, as soon as I am able, that you have one of my ebooks in the format that best suits your machine in fact I’ll have my boffins on the case as soon as I can.

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The Snow Has Decided To Cover Everything

If this were ‘Santa Time’ and it was December the 25th looking out of my window would be a pleasure because snow is festive, but this much on a work day is totally unacceptable.

As you can see from the photograph this is what I have to wade through in order to get the the Barrandov movie studio today.

Mind you if you are an autograph collector then you are going to have a field day because I have left loads of paw prints and as all my loyal and lovely fans and readers know ‘pawing’ is the way I autograph their books.

But speaking of leaving ‘marks’ in the snow I would like to complain about Dogs (yet again, the yellow marks they leave in the snow are totally unacceptable, we all know that but do they? Of course they don’t, and they aerial widdle to their hearts content along the pathway and in fact all the way to the studio.

Dogs are disgusting and they terrible thing is that they know it – we have all seen Dogs, in all weathers, rolling in fresh p** oh the thought of it is just too awful for a Cat with sensibilities to consider.

Now don’t get me wrong I like Dogs the shaggy German Shepherd Dog I keep here has his uses as you will know from my amazingly successful and desperately funny bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary.’

‘Ben,’ that is the dozily shaggy hounds name is great to snuggle up next to in the depths of winter – well about now actually – although sometimes he smells as though he ‘rolls’ in ‘something’ if you know what I mean!

When he smells like that you have to weigh up ‘warmth’ against ‘odour’ and that is a terrible choice that even Sophie would find difficult to make, but leaving Merly Streep aside for a moment, I bet my female readers and fans can identify with that conundrum!

Foot prints in the snow.jpg

For anyone who hasn’t bought my book or worse never heard of ‘me’ (if that is at all possible) until today there are several things you can do to save yourself so follow these instructions very carefully.

The first is to click here and buy my book Amazon.com and the second is to go to my www – wickedly wonderful website and catch up – you have a lot of catching up to do – and if you want to kill two birds with one paw (so to speak) then you could choose to buy my book at my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com while you spend hours learning about probably the most famous, talented and modest Cat around.

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Just How Cruel Are Humans?

Southern Ocean Storm.jpg

I saw a headline today on a news website which read “Early mammals floated to Madagascar!” I ask you how cruel is that? Why would anyone want to float early mammals or indeed any mammals to Madagascar it is a long way isn’t it?

“Ok!” I thought to myself, “so Madagascar is a nice place but don’t they have plenty of mammals of their own?” And not only that isn’t it a little cruel to float any mammal anywhere, with or without their consent!

And there is so much more that is wrong about this headline, not only is there the consent issue, floating over to Madagascar from Africa means that the poor little animals have such a long way to float, are little mammals that bouyant?

And not only that what if they drifted just a little off course, where would they end up? The Southern Ocean is the answer and that is a terrible place for several reasons, the seas are so rough and cold there but worst of all there isn’t any land for thousands of miles in any direction and the only people fool enough to cross the Southern Ocean are lone yachtsmen or yachtswomen and can you imagine what it would like to be stranded with one of them? It would be simply awful!

First they probably haven’t had an intelligent conversation with anyone since they left England twenty thousand miles ago, oh yes of course they would have visited Australia but in my experience you can’t get an intelligent conversation there so they would just talk constantly!

Then worst of all the lone yachtsman or yachtswoman would be very, very annoyed and that is because they are supposed to do their intrepid stuff alone, the clue of course is in the title “lone yachts etc,” so they probably would make any floating mammal who hopped on board very unwelcome indeed.

Which all goes to show that floating early mammals to Madagascar is a thoroughly bad idea, just because the poor devils are early to rise in the morning well that is what this good looking Cat thinks.

On a different subject have you been to my website recently the techie bods there have been working like little slaves bless them and have found a way to put this blog on my site, so if you want a double treat go to my site the cat’s diary one here – www.thecatsdiary.com I hope you enjoy it as much as I always do!

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Tiger Woods, The Cat Rolls Up His Sleeves and Dives In

Drink.png

Mixing metaphors is like mixing drinks, it can produce an intemperate tirade of nonsense, similar to the intoxicatingly dumb and boring stories that currently beset poor, only in the sad stakes, Tiger Woods.

Now I have to say that of course I really have difficulty stirring myself to defend an idiot, and as the once mighty Tiger has admitted in so many words he was an idiot, but as a Feline I feel it is my duty to defend a Tiger, no matter how faded and tarnished this idiot’s image may be.

So after talking on the phone to my people who talked to the Tiger’s people who shared some black coffee with the Tiger, here is a short statement that both sides have agreed upon.

“Tiger Woods is not such a bad person you know and is was only practising at the 19th hole!”

As Eight-time Grand Slam winner Andre Agassi said when he awoke recently, don’t be so cruel to the Tiger and don’t judge him too harshly. “It’s irresponsible to jump to conclusions on Tiger Woods without the full facts after recent claims about the golfer’s private life…” Then he dropped off to sleep again.

Just remember that incredibly rich people have a right to let off steam once in a while and better still have, if they are sensible, a large number of PR people who can ensure usually that the ‘facts’ are never ‘full’ by any means.

So quite frankly my advice to the tarnished Tiger is to get better PR people. Frankly I would have thought that a small car crash in possibly an alcoholic haze, while possibly beating your wife with a five iron can be smoothed over rather easily if you have the right PR people, just ask the Kennedy clan!

Finally I have to say that as of this moment in time there is not going to be any announcement regarding the replacement of the Tiger with The Cat on the side of some bottles of Gatorade. Frankly just like the disgraced Tiger, The Cat would only drink that rubbish on camera and for large amounts of the folding stuff, but a Kitty has got to live! So watch this space.

However here at The Cat HQ (a sober and clean place where no wife beating has ever taken place) we were sent the picture below by an anonymous advertising agency, who simple asked The Cat for his opinion on some new artwork.

As of this moment that is all we can say on the subject of the new and improved Gatorade which, never fear, will be on the shelves for the Holiday Season.

The-Cat-Drink.png

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It’s All New Shiny And Improved – But Not Necessarily In That Order!

Home-page.png

Yes that’s right, it really is all new shiny and improved! What is all new shiny and improved I hear you ask, my website of course!

Here at my ‘www‘- wickedly, wonderful website we have had the scaffolding up for a few months and the sun blotted out my many a large builders bum just so that you get to use my new and improved website. Or as the Americans (bless every single one of them) would say to “improve your website experience!”

So what do you think of my ‘www‘- wickedly, wonderful website? It is fab isn’t it? And whether you like it or not I would love to hear what you think of it, you can tell me on line or write to me at my own personalised email address thecat@thecatsdiary.com now how cool is it to have your own personalised email address? No don’t tell me, I know!

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