Sep 212011
 

You know that I have always thought that Penguins were not to be trusted and now I think I have found photographic proof from South Africa that proves my case!

What Are The Penguins Up To
Just ask yourself this; what are Penguins doing under vehicles? I bet they’re not practicing their skills as mechanics! And I don’t think that Penguins are under vehicles just because they are short enough to wander under them without bending. No there’s something happening in the Penguin world and I mean to get to the bottom of it, because as far as I am concerned the only animals that are allowed under vehicles are Cats if they are not moving and Hedgehogs if they are – poor things!

Lastly what are Penguins doing in South Africa? I thought that they liked colder climates – so they are now lurking under vehicles and being seen in warm countries, yes it is all beginning to add up isn’t it…


On another matter – well to be honest it’s the main reason for having a blog actually but of course us bloggers wouldn’t like our unsuspecting readers to know that we are only entertaining them so we can flog something – I need to remind all of you that it’s time to start thinking about buying my soon to be published second book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue.’

Now I know you are going to say that you didn’t expect a Cat to write one book and so two is something of a miracle but consider the miracle performed!

Yes that’s rights the world has seen a real miracle and my second book will be in the shops both real and webbed (as a real paper book or an ebook) very very soon, yes my masterpiece will be in the shops and on not only www.Amazon.com but also my www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com in time for Christmas which is just perfect.

I’m sure that I don’t have to do anything other than subliminally mention that my latest book makes just as good a Christmas present as my former one and how nice they will both look in the same gift wrapping do I?

Xmas Holly
Dear cuddly readers and potential book purchasers everywhere I do hope you enjoy what I hope is the first Christmas image you will see this year! May all of your Christmas shopping be without incident.

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Sep 192011
 

It’s really a very exciting day today. I am with my designers in New York going over the final selection of cover designs for my soon to be published second book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue.’

You know I was pleasantly surprised, the cover designs are all really nice, except one that is which uses the most unflattering photograph of me, I do hope that we don’t use that design!

Unfortunately I have discovered that I have a little problem and that problem is that book publishing is (according to my publisher) a collaborative endeavour so we will be using the cover that is chosen by the majority. Mmh what do you think about that dear cuddly reader, you know what they say about things chosen by committees don’t you!

I have to say it came as something of a shock to discover that publishing my book was a “collaborative endeavour” because I would like to know where the designers, my agent Mr. Todd A Leibowitz call me “Todd” and my publisher were when I was knee deep in some of the less attractive countries around the world and just how close they were from swooping in and rescuing me when a mob of Pakistani religious fools were after my ‘Bacon’ just because they thought I was Danish? Not close at all is the answer.

Still I’ll forgive them their stupidity if we “sell as many of these ponies as we did the last Buckaroo!” To quote my Agent Mr. Todd A Leibowitz call me “Todd.” We apparently will be in “millionsville” once again. What can I say? I am so pleased and of course confused.

I am afraid when I listen to my agent Mr. Todd A Leibowitz call me “Todd,” publisher and the designers all talking excitedly at once I feel a little handicapped, not by the fact that they are speaking American, a language which is very close to English the language I first learned when I started to write my first ‘unputdownable’ book, the trouble is that when I hear them all talking at once, firing buzz words into the conversation as if they were machine gun bullets at a we hate Saddam/Americans rally in Iraq I just can’t keep up, and worse every so often they clap a hi five above my head and shout “YAY” when they agree on something all of which is beyond me.

I just hope that the last hi five and round of “YAYS” wasn’t something to do with the committee choosing the design for the book! I feel I should ask but they are just too busy congratulating themselves currently. Maybe there will be time later, although after lunch I am being whisked out to the airport and sent home, yes my agent Mr. Todd A Leibowitz call me “Todd” is paying for my stay which is probably why it’s so short.

Anyway as soon as I can I will post the ‘winning’ design on my blog and hope that all my fans let me know what they think of it. I think it’s really a good idea to let my lovely fans see the cover of my new book in advance of publication because then they will know what to grab off the book store’s shelves.

Of course ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ will not only be available in your local bookstore it will also be available on Amazon.com as an ebook or a proper book and all of the other places you can possibly think of to get ebooks and the old style paper books.

The timing of publication is designed cleverly to catch the Christmas rush if the banks don’t bankrupt us all first! So please make sure that you buy at least two copies and one for your good self dear cuddly reader because they make excellent presents for everyone!

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Dec 202010
 

You would think that if a Mouse and a Cat could make peace at Christmas and agree to share the same territory for their mutual benefit (in this case a Christmas tree) then you would expect no less than all of the argumentative humans around the world especially the ones who allegedly believe in ‘peace.’

And frankly I’m not going to waste my breath on pointing out who needs to try and live peacefully either with their neighbours or indeed with the rest of the world – you all know who you are!

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All I will say is that all of you ‘intelligent’ humans could do better and follow the example of us ‘dumb’ animals.

About the Genius Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in history, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Dec 192010
 

It sounds as though my fans in the UK (especially) but all across europe are having a torrid time trying to do just a little bit of Christmas shopping.

The UK seems to have suffered worst of all and there is panic breaking out to do last minute shopping for Christmas according to all of the major newspapers and that is where this clever Cat can come to the rescue – by delivering all of your gift requirements before Christmas with my very cunning plan.

My cunning plan, like all good plans since the Norman invasion of England in 1066 is simple – then it was bash everyone on the head and take over – but this plan is less Gallic and violent and so simple it will work like a dream and the result will be that everyone gets a gift at Christmas even though people can’t get to the shops.

The first part of my very cunning plan is to go to my either my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com or Amazon.com and download an ebook of my masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary,’ my site has them in lots of options including a pdf version which can be read on any computer no only ebook readers and of course Amazon.com have the peerless Kindle.

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The second part of my plan is possibly even better and more cunning than the first part and you have to admit just the first part of the plan was a winner!

Everyone knows that although electronic or ebooks are wonderful, easy to read, weight nothing, immediate and best of all you can get thousands of them on your reader, there is nothing like being able to give someone a present that is wrapped up and to watch them unwrap present on Christmas morning their eyes growing wide and their complete joy as they realise that you have given them a copy of my amazing book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary.’

So while you are following the first part of this very cunning plan and ordering the moderately priced ebook, which of course can be delivered immediately, simply order a copy of my amazing book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ at the same time from either my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com or Amazon.com for the same person, that way even if you can’t get to the shops, or copies of my book can’t be delivered because of the snow or any other disasters natural or unnatural, you will be able to wrap my book when you get it and happily give it to someone safe in the knowledge that they are already reading your first present a copy of my brilliant ebook.

Just for you from now until Christmas morning I have a team of people working 24/7 ready here at Cat World HQ to take your order and then send you the ebooks you need and the great thing about my shop here my online store is open 24/7 and if you don’t like clicking links just copy and paste this address into you browser to be whisked to my store – http://www.thecatsdiary.com/store.

Here at my brilliant store, which as I said is open 24/7 until Christmas morning, we not only offer a guaranteed service backed up personally by me – The Cat but we also take all major credit cards and you can if you wish pay using the excellent and safe Paypal payment system. And of course we can send the ebooks immediately to any email address anywhere meaning your gift will be guaranteed to be delivered before Christmas.

Oh and my translator Mr. John Woodcock also asked – well begged – me to tell you about a pair of his ebooks which I graciously sell online at my store ‘Trams of Prague – Tram No 6’

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‘Astromouse’

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If you want to have a look at either of these excellent books or read a synopsis then simply click here my online store is open 24/7 or as I said above if you don’t like clicking links just copy and paste this address into you browser to be whisked to my store – http://www.thecatsdiary.com/store I am sure that anyone would love any all or all of the ebooks that you can find at my amazing store.

So once again this clever Cat comes to the rescue and makes the difference between not having something to give someone at Christmas and being able to give on ‘the day’ and then remember ‘the day’ afterwards when you watch someone open their second present.

I wish you all a warm and very Happy Christmas!

PS

I watched George Clooney in ‘The American’ last night and here’s a tip if you haven’t seen it – don’t bother it’s dreadful! The best thing about the movie is George’s hair cut though unfortunately his side burns are like the movie is far too long! Even the Italian scenery is dull, grey and dreary – and that is an amazing cinematographic accomplishment because Italian countryside is normally lovely.

The Cat’s tip for the holiday season until my movie comes out is ‘Despicable Me’ it’s fun, funny and everyone can watch it and find something to enjoy!

About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet such as www.pawsperouspets.com.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Dec 122010
 

From today until somewhere around the 12th day of Christmas, or the end of January if I am feeling a little ‘Russian,’ (because the Russians celebrate the New Year’s holiday until almost the end of January) you will be able to celebrate Christmas with me on my www – wickedly wonderful website because I have added a lot of Christmasy treats like flashing Christmas lights and falling. But don’t take my word for it check out the snow and Christmas lights for yourself here www.thecatsdiary.com.

And not only do the Christmas lights flash but if you are getting more than a little frustrated by the Christmas crowds in the shops, the cost of all the Christmas presents you have to buy for people you hardly know and generally drowned in Christmas spirit you can get your own back on my perfect website just run your cursor over the pretty flashing Christmas lights and see what happens – tee hee!

No please don’t thank me it is all in a day’s work for a techno Cat who simply wants to entertain humans everywhere. Oh and of course to get them to buy his book which luckily you can do on my marvellous site www.thecatsdiary.com or here Amazon.com and if you want to order multiple copies well who am I to stand in your way? I’m far to fabulous and polite to do that!

I suppose most websites that aren’t www-wickedly wonderful websites, run by a clever, kind and cuddly Cat would just stop there with a few flashing Christmas lights and some expensive special effects!

But and it is a big Christmas ‘but,’I am a Cat you loves to give and of course entertain and that means that I have gone that extra mile for my readers this Christmas or as they would have it in Europe I have gone the extra kilometre and added even more of my amazingly popular online games, these on-line games are as usual free, fun and fully tested by me, I loved them as I know you will so enjoy them and if they help you cope with Christmas or indeed pass the time until ‘the’ day and you get your pressies that is all I ask for – apart from the “buying my book bit of course tee hee!”

Not all of the free on-line games are Christmasy play the Ice Slide Game and you can catapult your favourite unsuspecting polar animal as far as you can into the snowy distance. Obviously you have to help that nice polar animal avoid the snowy hazards as he or she flies through the air – did anyone say addictive? They certainly did!

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The more Christmasy Free On-line Games include:

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Holly A Christmas Tale Delux

A great game where you can enjoy a new version of what is regarded as a true holiday classic!

Holly: A Christmas Tale Deluxe tells the story of a young woman who falls asleep on Christmas Eve and dreams that she is helping Santa Claus deliver toys to children around the world. But is she really asleep? Or is what is happening real?

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The Toy Factory

Where you help Simon the Elf recover all the toys of Santa before midnight because by midnight the presents have to start being delivered and Simon is nowhere near ready and worried what Santa will say when he finds out!

I have added many more free on-line games, but don’t let me spoil the surprise just on just click here The Cat’s Game Page and you can always be sure that The Cat’s games are exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.

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Dec 062010
 

My first Christmas shopping tip is “in amongst the crowds of shoppers, always use your elbows like a pensioner and barge anyone in your way out of it!” But at the moment with all the snow and in England the wonderful organisation UK Uncut closing shops all over the place on the busiest Christmas shopping day that tip is a little useless tee hee.

The very new organisation to ‘out’ and ‘punish’ big personal and corporate tax dodgers is called UK Uncut and it is a little like the American organisation the Tea Party but with a smaller agenda and that is basically to campaign for fairness in the UK this Saturday the busiest on the calendar this year for shopping saw people of all ages closing shops and supergluing themselves to the shop windows of tax dodgers tee hee.

UK Uncut.jpg

The main ‘victims’ or is that tax dodgers they targeted were Vodaphone Shops who used a very clever avoidance scheme to slip 4.2 billion pounds out of the country and therefore avoid paying tax on it and the shops of the arch tax avoider Philip Green who owns Top Shop among others (and of course advises the newly formed UK Govt) and managed to sneak 1.2 billion pounds of untaxed income out of the UK last year. Keep up the good work I say!

I was going to go to Barcelona for my Christmas shopping I do that every so often because there are some great shops there with very different present-like stuff in but sadly the air traffic controllers were on strike.

So I (tip number two) shopped on Amazon.com where of course you can see and more importantly buy just by clicking here Amazon.com har ha. Shopping online is so easy and before I knew it I had exhausted several credit cards – I don’t know about ‘maxed’ these had ‘melted’ still as you will know from my book I learned long ago that it is better to use someone else’s credit card when shopping online it is (a) cheaper and (b) such a nice surprise of the beneficial owners of the card in question.

Sadly Christmas shopping tips are thin on the ground this year although I might suggest to Philip Green and the Directors of Vodaphone that if they want to open up shop in the UK then they had better pay the taxes they owe and not sneak most of what is owed in tax out of the country and then expect the ordinary British people to pay more on their behalf – there is a revolution coming by the looks of it.

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Nov 242010
 

As you know I like presents and I love the way that people get such enormous pleasure from giving me them so Christmas is a special time for this Cat and so don’t forget to send me loads of gifts and don’t worry if they are incredibly extravagant I won’t get embarrassed – promise!

Still that fact aside I am also a Cat who likes to share and if you are like me and want to spread a little joy to others this Christmas – especially the people who enjoy Christmas the most then you have to use a website called the Portable North Pole or PNP where you will be able to send anyone a message from Santa – last year you needed a picture of the person you were sending the message to – on behalf of Santa obviously. Last year I sent loads of Santa’s messages from PNP and everyone loved it young and old so I can vouch for it.

This year the PNP isn’t open just yet but the message on their web pages suggests something very special so I would click along there if I were you here is a link you can use that will take you to a page that looks just like the picture below – enjoy this and of course Christmas as well.

For the time being you can leave your email address so that the elves can send you an email when the PNP is open.

Portable North Pole and if you don’t trust links, I quite understand so here is the address for you to type in yourself – http://portablenorthpole.tv

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Oh don’t forget all of you who booked a NASA Face in Space place for the 133rd space shuttle flight it will be launched on December 3, 2010. And the 134rd Space Shuttle – the one that I am booked on will be on February 27, 2011 and we will be able to view our pictures soon after each mission – how wonderful is that? How wonderful is NASA and the good folks who work there – amazing that is how wonderful the good folks are!

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The website as always is http://faceinspace.nasa.gov or you can use this link to click over there now NASA Face in Space

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Dec 152009
 
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Hello to all of my wonderfully good looking readers from your humble servant The Cat.

I was so very pleased and frankly incredibly touched to hear that you wanted to know what I would like for Christmas. Of course I know that the question is one that is asked of a lot of very famous people and quite rightly we are a very important bunch with mostly fascinating opinions.

Looking down the list of people who have already filled in what they most desire for Christmas was a humbling experience I can tell you and before I let you in on my entry I thought I would share with you some of the hopes and aspirations of some very famous people indeed.

Most of the Politicians at the Copenhagen Climate Conference – want a cleaner, fairer, safer world.

President Obama – wants world peace. Presumably to match his Nobel Prize.

President Putin – wants to reduce nuclear arms.

President Sarkozy – wants to end hunger.

Nelson Mandela – wants to end injustice.

The Pope – wants stop premature infant death.

Elton John – wants more to be done to fight HIV/Aids

Mohammed Ali – wants more understanding between different races.

Prince William of England – wants a nice shiny Aston Martin like his Dad’s!

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It makes you proud that we have such altruistic celebrities and elected representatives. Not one of the ones who have earned their status were as selfish as they are often made out to be.

All of which brings me onto what I would like for Christmas.

The Cat – wants an end to hunting, shooting and fishing for amusement.

I do wish my readers a very Cool Yule and a Happy Christmas and remember if you need any present ideas you still have time to buy my book from Amazon.com it really is very good and that is because I am an inordinately good looking and talented Cat.

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