Black Friday

 Cat World, Human World  No Responses »
Nov 252011
 

Here is a big tip from a little financial genius ‘The Cat’ on Black Friday. Whatever you buy today and of course I hope it is at least a dozen of each of my books, do spend any Euros you have because it looks like the whole thing is going to come crashing down in flames and odd bits of nasty around the ears of the Germans and French leaving a sort of garlicky sausage smell in its wake.

Flaming Euro

And when the Euro balloon pop finally does go pop do you really think that there will be a lot of sour krauts around? Well the honest answer is no! Most of the Germans led by a shadowy ex-East German, who is only know by the code name Angela Merkel, want their beloved Deutsche Mark back as soon as possible and nothing whatever to do with the over sexed latin nations led by the folies at the Palais Bourbon, by the Seine.

I suppose you would like to know just how this clever Cat got all of the latest information, well it’s simple! Who notices a Cat as it slinks around the furniture even in the places and palaces of power, the answer is of course no one!

Just think of all of the information I collect as I wander the halls of power and fame, to say nothing of the things I see, here is a classic example of what I mean, a pushy German poking a pretend Russian muscleman who just after this picture was taken burst into tears complaining that “она была запугивание его, и что не было разрешено, потому что он крутой парень” or in English “she was bullying him and that was not allowed because he was a tough guy!” tee hee.

Putin Merkel The Cat

You would be surprised with what I have seen and heard and I have to say so am I! So if you want the inside track on world events then keep reading my blog, later I am off to an Hotel just off Rodeo Drive to keep an eye on an unmarried young member of the royal family and a junior officer in the British Army to see if he can not only keep it real but clean, although on past performances I doubt if he can do either!

Harrytitsthumb1

That is right prince harry we are watching you and of course all of the other Troggs of course!

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Justin Bieber And The Large Hadron Collider

 Cat World, Human World  No Responses »
Nov 032011
 

Is it just me or are you worried too?

I ask this question because things, it seems, have gone rather quiet at the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland, in fact things have gone too quiet if you ask me!

Why hasn’t there been any news from the Large Hadron Collider, only a month or so ago were were promised a glimpse at the ‘God particle’ as it is known to say nothing of a look up the skirt (as it were) at the Higgs boson but sadly the hypothetical massive elementary particle remains firmly ‘hypothetical’ as far as I am aware.

Higgs event

So what has happened? Has something gone wrong? I’m worried aren’t you? No I am very worried why aren’t you? If that baby ‘goes up’ some say that their flat world will sink, worrying stuff isn’t it?

I was wondering if I’d had my iPod on too loud and missed a large bang just a few countries away? There has been a lot of fog in Prague recently, but that is just fog not smoke, well that what I tell myself, it comforts me!

Surely something should have happened by now at the world’s most expensive experiment, well the world most expensive experiment if you don’t include the one currently being held to discover exactly what talent Justin Bieber possess; 2 billion hits on YouTube teh!^ It just goes to show exactly how poor the taste of 28% the world’s population actually is!

If anyone can tell me what Justin Beiber does I would be grateful he is either so far below or above this Cat’s radar that he actually doesn’t exist or maybe, just maybe Justin Bieber is what the Large Hadron Collider has discovered or worse created and they are keeping very, very quiet about it.

Oh look what I have found a picture (below) of little Justin Bieber. For those of you who are old enough you must remember Donny Osbourne? Surely Justin is a Donny clone? (Picture of Donny below as well to prove this clever Cat’s point!)

Justinbieber

Donny O

I wondered what Donny Osbourne is doing these days so I searched for ‘osbourne’ in Google of course and came up with this recent snap. I see he is still in the music business and isn’t that Marie in the background at the Mormon tabernacle? They both look as though they have gone through a spin cycle at the Large Hadron Collider don’t they? I think it’s them though of course I could be wrong I am only a Cat after all!

Blacksunday

^Note

The word teh above is not a typo it’s used to describe the sound that a Cat makes when expressing disbelief! Just thought I would tell you so you don’t think I’m uneducated.

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Here Is Some Great News!

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Oct 062011
 

My dear cuddly readers will be pleased to hear that to celebrate the launch of the latest Amazon reader ethingy the Kindle Fire those ever so nice people at Amazon have released the ‘Kindle’ and other ebook versions of my latest and most wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ early which is nice. I just have to say that you will be pleased to hear that ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ is coincidentally the best book I have written since my last one.

Not just to be content with getting a big head start on selling my ebook the paperback department of Amazon demanded equal rights to the ebook department and guess what you can buy either or indeed both formats on Amazon now, they have just told me I checked and it’s true – isn’t that wonderful.

Travelogue by John Woodcock

So that means that if you want a copy of my latest book you can order it now and have it instantly, if you want the eVersion or, in a couple of days max if you want the paper one. And the good news is that you will beat those who have ordered it at book stores by at least a couple of weeks.

So for all of my wonderfully faithful, patient and cuddly readers here are the important web addresses to click on, and don’t forget you will make me very happy if you buy one book, delightfully happy if you buy two and delirious happy if you buy more than five.

Of course it might go without saying, but I am going to say it anyway and I have a feeling I have said this before, you can instantly get a copy of my latest book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ from my www-wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com or at the store on my www – wickedly wonderful website here my store at www.thecatsdiary.com.

To make life easy for you I have added the links you are going to need to get my book from good old (some say) Amazon.com do go for The Cat’s Travelogue on Amazon.com or Amazon UK.

If you need a Kindle to read my truly wonderful latest book on then get a Kindle Fire here they are really rather good as well as being competitively priced I hear.

If you want a good old iPad2 then I have another place for you to click – Computers aren’t you lucky? This link will take you straight to Amazon.coms Computers store for great prices, fast delivery and the same service you get when ordering my book. You never know they might even arrive in the same parcel that would be neat wouldn’t it?

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Web Site Redesign

 Cat World, Human World  No Responses »
Oct 032011
 

To accommodate my latest masterpiece ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ my web design Kittens have been working around the clock to redesign, improve and extend my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com.

So now when you arrive at my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com you have the choice of viewing my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com in either the original Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary mode or click the page turn icon at the top on the right hand side and enter… wait for it… The Cat’s Travelogue mode of my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com isn’t that neat? Aren’t my web design Kittens just the coolest web designers around? The answer there is yes by the way.

My clever web design Kittens have included the usual high quality features you expect from a truly www – wickedly wonderful website although of course we all know that there is only one www – wickedly wonderful website and that one is mine www.thecatsdiary.com and that is because it was me that invented the concept of www – wickedly wonderful website what a clever Cat I am! But then you know that don’t you my dear cuddle readers and my new friends.

So do go and visit my www – wickedly wonderful website and take a peek at the changes and if you like them do let me know through the usual channels or blind drop boxes.

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A Sneak Peek Of The Cover Of My Latest Book

 Cat World, Human World  No Responses »
Oct 012011
 

Yes that’s right dear cuddly readers here’s a sneak peek of the cover of my latest book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue.’

Now while I am very happy with the cover in general I am not too happy with one element, can anyone guess what it is? If you can there is a free ebook in it for you, if you can’t then after failing to change the cover at a last minute summit meeting with the publishers I added my comments about the bit of the cover I dislike to the new book so the week before last so you will be able to read the book and tell me what it is that I dislike.

The closing date for the competition has to be Sunday (tomorrow) sadly because my wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ will be available on Amazon.com by then and in bookstores soon afterwards but a little bird told me that you can buy the ebook version of my unputdownable book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ right now, in fact I think I am sitting on the link here. All of which means that if you buy an ebook now you stand a great chance of winning my amazing competition and still can buy a paper version at a later date.

Travelogue by John Woodcock

If you can’t live without my new book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ and I can’t blame you for that and want the ebook early then use this link, if you just want to cheat on the competition above then I understand just go for Kindle Edition of The Cat’s Travelogue on Amazon.com or Amazon UK.

There I am such a nice Cat not only letting you cheat in my competition but most importantly enabling you to have instant access to my wonderful ebook ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ in advance of everybody, yes that is the sort of Cat I am and just how much I love my cuddly readers and Cat fans.

Of course it might go without saying, but I am going to say it anyway, you can instantly get a copy of my latest book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ from my www-wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com or at the my store on my www – wickedly wonderful website.

There! Does this clever Cat think of everything or what? All you have to do today is to click on a few links, use your or someone else’s credit card and you are away and one of the very first to buy what people have described as the “travelogue to end all travelogues.”

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Horse Crap – A Delicacy In Ho Chi Minh City

 Cat World  No Responses »
Sep 292011
 

The really great news is that my long awaited soontobemillionselling book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ is going to be available very soon any and everywhere and that means you can buy a book either in paper or ebook form in the very near future.

Speaking of my long awaited soontobemillionselling book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue,’ a wonder of a little book written by a Cat, one of the places I visited was Vietnam though because of signs such as the one below and other divine bureaucratic blunders the chapter on Vietnam was ‘sponsored’ by the Socialist Republic of Vietnam and then removed by me from the printed edition. Did you know that the Socialist Republic of Vietnam’s motto is “Independence – Freedom – Happiness” – if you ever did!

It’s my fervent hope that you enjoy my latest book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ more than the menu item below and that you tell all of your friends to buy at least one copy and make this clever Cat very happy.

One thought that went through my furry head when I was sitting outside the restaurant in the heat and pollution of Ho Chi Minh City reading the menu below was this “what was the ‘Lime’” if you see what I mean, “do the Vietnamese serve a Citrus fruit with their Fried Horse Crap or is the ‘Lime’ on the menu the white powdery stuff that they add to cement, gardens and the graves of adulterers in days gone by?” Sadly to this day I don’t know because I didn’t order this menu item – what do you think I am stupid?

Don’t forget that like ‘Getting Out Excerpts from A Cat’s Diary’ ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ will make a wonderful Christmas present.

Horse Crap A Delicacy In Ho Chi Minh City

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Two New Free Games On My Games Page

 Cat World  No Responses »
Mar 172011
 

I don’t know how I do it, but I do! I have arranged for my boffins to set up two new free online games for you my lovely cuddly reader to play on my www.wickedly wonderful website so that you can while away your working day and return home fresh, relaxed and happy, aren’t I just the nicest Cat in the world? Of course I am.

The first new free online game is called Bloons

Here is what it’s about and what you have to do, which is frankly not much except enjoy.

Bloons are what Monkeys call Balloons – they’re daft aren’t they – but they did beat humans into space, though Cats got there first.

There is only one aim of the game and that is to shoot ‘Bloons,’ isn’t it nice when things are that simple? Oh by the way there are 50 levels and they do get a bit harder as you progress.

Here’s the Cat’s Tip: Hold down the mouse button and let go to shoot further.

Bloons Game   Grow Cube Game

The second free online game is called Grow Cube and I think it’s a bit strange – some might call it addictive though.

I personally think that Grow Cube is the first computer game that requires you to have a pencil and paper handy – you’ll need it I promise.

The devious devisers of the game say that, “all you have to do (understatement) is to add the right element at the right time other otherwise your cube isn’t going to grow.” You’ll get the hang of it all soon enough depending upon how clever you are of course!

Here’s my tip: Start with the man, and make lots of notes.

I hope that you enjoy both free on-line games and manage to to do just a small amount of work every so often when playing them.

To get to my games page on my www.wickedly wonderful website quickly just click here My Games Page to go straight to the latest free online game you would like to play simply click on its picture above, the pictures are rather clever links to my website, but then what do you expect from a rather clever Cat? Nothing less!

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Cat Could Be In Contempt Of Court – Humans!!!!

 Cat World  No Responses »
Jan 142011
 

Recently Boston resident Sal Esposito was called for jury service and quite rightly Sal just ignored some idiot human’s flight of fancy and sadly that uncitizen like bravado has landed Sal in a little hot water and he could be in contempt of court.

So is Sal worried? “Not unduly!” He said recently when talking to us here at Cat World and why is that you may ask, well it isn’t because Sal is anything but a model citizen, he is house trained, has been known to catch a Mouse or two in his time and oh yes Sal Esposito is a CAT Cats don’t do ‘worry’ that’s for humans.

Sal the Juror.jpg

So Sal Esposito is like me, ‘feline’ and that means that he really isn’t required to judge his peers because very few Cats find their way into courts and who in their right minds wants to waste time being a juror to judge humans? Not this Cat nor indeed Sal Esposito.

Sal Esposito’s problems began when his humans Anna and Guy Esposito listed him on the last U.S. Census under “pet.”

The government as usual ignored that information and called Sal up to serve on a jury and so Anna carefully filed for his disqualification of service on a jury.

That sounds reasonable doesn’t it – yes of course it does! Sal is remember a “pet” and loads of ‘pets’ serve on jurys in the states. Unfortunately the forms the government send out that have to be filed in for cases like this list the following reasons why a prospective juror may be disqualified.

  • Too old – He wasn’t even in Cat years

  • Being Ill – Nope happily Sal is fit and well

  • He was a convicted felon – Sal is an honest Cat and has never been to prison

So Anna dug deeply into her intellectual resources (which I don’t think have helped her yet) and filed that Sal Esposito “cannot speak English” which is of course true, though why she didn’t, email, write a letter of visit the government department concerned is anyone’s guess, however it is true Sal and most other Cats, unlike this clever cat, doesn’t speak English or indeed write masterpieces in the English language for that matter.

Anna couldn’t have predicted the reply from the jury commissioner who obviously failed to read her disqualification form and denied the request for disqualification.

All of which means that Sal is still required to attend Suffolk Superior Court on March 23 and take part in jury selection I think I want to be there too don’t you dear cuddly reader?

Apparently his humans are still trying to clear up the misunderstanding and quite frankly they don’t seem to stand a chance do they? If they fail, unfortunately Sal will be making his first appearance in court.

Let’s hope that they provide the proper facilities such as a litter tray, Prawns on demand and regular comfort and dozing breaks and let’s all hope that the courtroom doesn’t have Mice or should that read let’s hope that the courtroom does have Mice tee hee.

By the way has anyone noticed how similar Sal and I look – he has a light tan smudge under his nose but in general he is what is known as a very good looking Cat and probably will be a good juror if called, happily I know a translator who is apparently the world’s expert in translating from Cat to English maybe the court could fly him in on an all expenses paid junket to translate for Sal.

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Bandit The Cat Saves Family From Fire

 Cat World  No Responses »
Jan 112011
 

Bandit Saves Family From Fire.jpg

While Bandit’s family slept the brave 15 year old Cat from Lincolnshire in the UK, braved flames to raise the alarm that the kitchen was on fire and possibly saved his family’s lives.

Bandit braved the flames to raised the alarm by scratching his human’s face, Marie his human who then woke up her partner David and his two daughters and then with with Bandit, four other Cats, four kittens and two dogs as well as hamsters, gerbils and rabbits managed to get to safety outside as the blaze raged.

The Fire Brigade were called and promptly and efficiently as usual bravely brought the blaze under control.

Later when they learned of Bandit’s bravery they said “If the Cat hadn’t woke you up, the occupants of the house would have died from toxic fumes and smoke.”

Happily that is not the case and thanks to Bandit all of the 20 occupants of the house escaped unharmed.

As you can see from the picture Bandit is a shy cat who really doesn’t like having his picture taken and frankly was wondering what all the fuss was about, all he wanted to do was to get down on the floor and check for Prawns – the usual reward for clever Cat’s.

Animal lover Marie proudly said that “Bandit is a very intelligent Cat although I didn’t expect him to do something like that, which I am amazed by. He can actually talk. He can say things like ‘hello’ but people don’t believe me he can talk.”

Shy bandit.jpg

Sadly the family didn’t have insurance and will have problems renovating the rented property they live in and replacing the ruined appliances in the kitchen which was badly damaged by the fire.

Happily for them and for Bandit after the brave men and women of the Lincolnshire Fire and Rescue put out the fire and they then installed smoke detectors which means that Bandit will have some help if something happens like this again.



About the Author



The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

The Cat & Kindle.png

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Can’t Get Out For Xmas Shopping? Don’t Panic!

 Cat World  No Responses »
Dec 192010
 

It sounds as though my fans in the UK (especially) but all across europe are having a torrid time trying to do just a little bit of Christmas shopping.

The UK seems to have suffered worst of all and there is panic breaking out to do last minute shopping for Christmas according to all of the major newspapers and that is where this clever Cat can come to the rescue – by delivering all of your gift requirements before Christmas with my very cunning plan.

My cunning plan, like all good plans since the Norman invasion of England in 1066 is simple – then it was bash everyone on the head and take over – but this plan is less Gallic and violent and so simple it will work like a dream and the result will be that everyone gets a gift at Christmas even though people can’t get to the shops.

The first part of my very cunning plan is to go to my either my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com or Amazon.com and download an ebook of my masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary,’ my site has them in lots of options including a pdf version which can be read on any computer no only ebook readers and of course Amazon.com have the peerless Kindle.



The Cat & Kindle.png

The second part of my plan is possibly even better and more cunning than the first part and you have to admit just the first part of the plan was a winner!

Everyone knows that although electronic or ebooks are wonderful, easy to read, weight nothing, immediate and best of all you can get thousands of them on your reader, there is nothing like being able to give someone a present that is wrapped up and to watch them unwrap present on Christmas morning their eyes growing wide and their complete joy as they realise that you have given them a copy of my amazing book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary.’

So while you are following the first part of this very cunning plan and ordering the moderately priced ebook, which of course can be delivered immediately, simply order a copy of my amazing book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ at the same time from either my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com or Amazon.com for the same person, that way even if you can’t get to the shops, or copies of my book can’t be delivered because of the snow or any other disasters natural or unnatural, you will be able to wrap my book when you get it and happily give it to someone safe in the knowledge that they are already reading your first present a copy of my brilliant ebook.

Just for you from now until Christmas morning I have a team of people working 24/7 ready here at Cat World HQ to take your order and then send you the ebooks you need and the great thing about my shop here my online store is open 24/7 and if you don’t like clicking links just copy and paste this address into you browser to be whisked to my store – http://www.thecatsdiary.com/store.

Here at my brilliant store, which as I said is open 24/7 until Christmas morning, we not only offer a guaranteed service backed up personally by me – The Cat but we also take all major credit cards and you can if you wish pay using the excellent and safe Paypal payment system. And of course we can send the ebooks immediately to any email address anywhere meaning your gift will be guaranteed to be delivered before Christmas.

Oh and my translator Mr. John Woodcock also asked – well begged – me to tell you about a pair of his ebooks which I graciously sell online at my store ‘Trams of Prague – Tram No 6′


trams-cover.jpg

‘Astromouse’


astromouse.jpg

If you want to have a look at either of these excellent books or read a synopsis then simply click here my online store is open 24/7 or as I said above if you don’t like clicking links just copy and paste this address into you browser to be whisked to my store – http://www.thecatsdiary.com/store I am sure that anyone would love any all or all of the ebooks that you can find at my amazing store.

So once again this clever Cat comes to the rescue and makes the difference between not having something to give someone at Christmas and being able to give on ‘the day’ and then remember ‘the day’ afterwards when you watch someone open their second present.

I wish you all a warm and very Happy Christmas!

PS

I watched George Clooney in ‘The American’ last night and here’s a tip if you haven’t seen it – don’t bother it’s dreadful! The best thing about the movie is George’s hair cut though unfortunately his side burns are like the movie is far too long! Even the Italian scenery is dull, grey and dreary – and that is an amazing cinematographic accomplishment because Italian countryside is normally lovely.

The Cat’s tip for the holiday season until my movie comes out is ‘Despicable Me’ it’s fun, funny and everyone can watch it and find something to enjoy!



About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet such as www.pawsperouspets.com.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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