Tag Archives: Clever Cat

Happily I Have Been Proved Right – Again

Yes I know I am a very clever Cat who has opinions and no matter how much I am told to shut up my fat mouth I tend to ramble on and on about the things that I not only believe passionately about but as well of course I do like to also point out the stupid things that you humans do – I’m sorry I just can’t help it – it is what clever Cats do, well it is what this one does!

For ages now I have been trying to ‘out’ idiots like Bono ‘the climate clown,’ and of course Al ‘Gas Guzzling’ Gore for the way that they jet around the world using up precious resources so that they can point and then wag fingers at ordinary folk lecturing them about how wasteful they are and how they are causing the death of the planet – all of this with no regard to the fact that the planet has seen ice ages come and go as well as hotter arid times and that long after these dreadful busybodies have moved on to earning more money on their next fad somewhere else the planet will still be spinning on its merry way until we are all turned into nothing by the sun exploding or sooner by a meteorite doing more or less the same thing but not as quickly.

“So what is it this time that has had the opinionated Cat fizzing about?” I hear you ask with a sigh, well the answer is simple and ‘fizzing’ has a lot to do with this subject, just as ‘still’ and ‘sparkling’ do in fact!

I am talking of course about water – not the natural stuff from rivers, rain, lakes, ponds or indeed the safer stuff that drips out of leaky taps – I am talking about the stuff that is “filtered through limestone” “gently flavoured” (of course that means sugared) “is so good for you” indeed I am talking about the stuff that is bottled, naturally carbonated (how does that happen?) and comes in glass, or so much worse plastic, bottles.

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Bottled water is something that hundreds of millions of people who don’t have to drink, drink! The water from most of the developed world that comes out of a tap is perfectly drinkable and bottled water is only a necessity in countries that don’t have proper drinking water treatment plants, these countries include but not exclusively the usual favourites for dysentery China, India, many of the ‘stans in Asia and so on. In fact Delhi of course gave its name to one such complain the infamous ‘Delhi Belly.’ (Or as my spell checker insisted – ‘Deli Belly which I think may be caused by eating too much Salami – but that isn’t important here).

Mind you there is no bottle of water in those aforementioned countries that this Cat would drink until it had been carefully boiled, cooled and disinfected with water purifying tablets – this Cat isn’t stupid and I followed very strict personal hygiene guidelines when he was researching his latest soon-to-be-released-blockbusting-book my Travelogue!

So back to the reality of the ‘real’ world where, as I mentioned a minute ago, and so it must be true, people drink gallons of bottled water for no reason what so ever, well except for the dumb reasons they trot out when you mention that drinking bottled water is a bit daft – you know the sort of reasons they are, they are supplied by cosmetic counter sales girls who quote Nobel Prizing winning sudo-science at you to convince you that you should buy a re-hydrating product as well as drink bottles and bottles of water a day to save your skin from ageing. Which, sad to say, water can’t actually do – but that is almost beside the point.

The people who drink water in vast quantities and are dumb enough to lug enormous bottles of the stuff around every day say that their bodies need water and any other fluid just isn’t as good as the “forgotten functional food’ that they call water because it ‘re-hydrates’ your body, is good for your skin, liver and just about everything else – now where have I heard that before? Oh yes, in American Cowboy films when the swindler in the covered wagon rolls into town to sell his ‘patent’ cure all potion.

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The honest truth is that you just simply don’t need to drink gallons of water a day to stay hydrated. I bet you don’t believe me when i say that you could easily drink Tea for instance instead, but don’t take my word for that statement, listen to what Prof. Tom Sanders, Professor of Nutrition and Dietetics at King’s College London, says on the subject of water in a recent article in The Independent Newspaper. “Tea is the most widely consumed beverage throughout the world, and there must be a reason for that. It’s actually a functional food and by that I mean it hydrates the human body.” And you thought only water was that magical!

So before you decide to improve the muscles of one arm any further by lugging around enormous bottles of water do take a moment to think about the alternatives – and they don’t have to be drunk – Cucumber is 95% water, a jacket potato contains 70% water, an egg is 70% water and even a Chicken is 65% water.

Add all of the food that contains water that we put into our bodies everyday and it comes so close to a litre of water as to not matter much – I would say “within a whisker of a litre of water” but then ‘whiskers’ are a very sensitive subject to Cats and we tend never to mention them unless we have to! Oh drat I just have haven’t I?

So after you have eaten all of that water bearing food there is one trick left for the body and the business of hydration and that is that the body actually produces water metabolically.

All of which means that the craze to drink water like err ‘crazy’ is just plain daft and if we took a sensible pill with the last noisy glug of our bottled water then we would realise that by not buying gallons of water in plastic and glass bottles we could help save the planet from not only the unbiodegradable nature of the plastic bottles and the single use of all glass bottles of water we could stop water being shipped around the world to sell in other countries and again save a lot of energy for much more important things.

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More Than A Work Of Art

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Someone once described the photograph of me on the cover of my wonderful best selling masterpiece “Getting Out – Excerpts From A Cat’s Diary” which you can get here Amazon.com as a work of art and I sincerely believe that they were speaking the truth.

I found this picture of an astonishingly good looking, well read and cultured clever Cat, for a moment I thought it was me! But then I realised that the artist Charles Wysocki had probably just seen a photograph of me and wanted to use me as the perfect model.

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Looking through the book on the bookshelf I have to say I thoroughly recommend the volume on the lower shelf ‘The Sardine,’ when I read this magical book I found it to be not only insightful but also a tender loving story with a very happy and satisfying ending.

While we are talking about the books in the picture and not me does anyone know where I can get a copy of ‘Delicious Field Mice I have Known’ and who wrote it? As yet I haven’t read it but now that I know of it, it is top of my reading list.

One last thought about my book with the wonderful cover, if you don’t own and treasure a copy already just click over to Amazon.com and you can get one, actually if you do own and treasure a copy of my wonderful book why not treat yourself to a second or third copy I say?

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Bing’s Confusion Or Is It Mine? Either Way I Don’t Need A Nanny!

Do we live in a nannist world? I think so because everything we do seems to be monitored, filtered and checked to ensure that we don’t hurt ourselves physically or mentally by doing things like err living.

That is daft isn’t it? We, both humans and animals are living our lives in a big and dangerous place, it is called the world, which is full of all sorts of dreadful stuff that is just waiting to bite you and worse in Iran if you are a married woman and have a bit of a slap and tickle with a man who isn’t your husband you are liable to get stoned to death! But then happily the rest of the world isn’t as looney as the chaps in long dresses in Tehran, no wonder Iranian women wear clothing that only shows their eyes, it is obviously for protection because Iranian and indeed Arab men are some of the randiest bunch of perverts in the world and will leap on anything unless it is clearly marked ‘untouchable’ as in a poor woman wearing a full body cover, though even that doesn’t very well and worse I’ve heard even the goats in Iran are asking to wear the ḥijāb these days for protection!

But is the civilised world ‘that’ dangerous? Or are we both humans and Cats being saved from ourselves before we have actually put ourselves in harms way? I have to say that this clever Cat thinks so.

Why? I hear you ask, well the answer is simple. As you probably know I loathe www.Google.com and that means that for all of my search requirements, spying, snooping and or news gathering I use www.Bing.com.

Frankly Bing isn’t much better than www.Google.com but at least by using Bing I stop www.Google.com snooping and spying on me by not using their services and I heartily suggest and recommend that you do the same and do it fast.

Anyway www.Bing.com is as good or as bad at what it does as Google usually, but I have noticed one or two annoying things about www.Bing.com and to date this is the most annoying thing…

Just like the search engine Microsoft copied when they wrote Bing’s software Google you can’t personalise your copy and so if you have an inclination or indeed a requirement to change the default search options you can only do that for one session and then they default back to what Microsoft – opps sorry we are supposed to call Bing ‘Bing’ because Microsoft is so unpopular – wants you to use for your own good of course!

So what does that mean exactly? Well I wanted some pictures of a lovely place in England in the county of Devon, the place is called “Saunton Sands” and as the name suggests Saunton is on the coast and has a few miles of sand.

So I typed in Saunton Sands and got this message from good old Bing and no pictures at all.

“The search for Saunton Sands devon may contain explicit adult content and has been filtered” etc…. etc… as you can see from the picture of the daft screen message. Well I know I spelt devon with a lowercase ‘d’ but what is offensive about any or all of the words that I used in the search? Beats the f**king, c**p out of any of the logical reasons I can think of.

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So I had to turn the filter off and risk explicit adult pictures of “Saunton Sands devon” and here is the result, obviously don’t look if you are of a delicate disposition or if sand, sun and sea have a debilitating effect on you or indeed arouse you in anyway what so ever.

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Where are the naked ladies and other pervert’s pleasures? The only thing that is naked is the wonderful sands at Saunton, although because it is in England it will be covered in litter I expect.

Sometimes I despair of this world and all of the idiots in it, except of course for my lovely fans and readers I love them all you are the intelligent ones, mainly because you like my Best Selling Book of course.

Oh don’t forget to bully someone you know into ordering my book here Amazon.com.

Guess what I have a very few first edition copies that are signed which you can order from my very own website here www.thecatsdiary.com.

These wonderful pristine copies of my best seller are a little more expensive than the ones at Amazon.com because of the cost of postage from the sweltering Czech republic sorry about that! But on the other hand these babies are worth a small fortune I noticed the other day at a specialist bookshop, but from my website they cost a tenth of the price so get someone else’s credit card now and burn some plastic.

Oh by the way, did you know that it was today, the 16th of July in 1918 that the Tzar and all of the royal family were ‘dealt’ with by the Russians?

Now I am not suggesting that the way they were dealt with was ‘good’ in any way, but I hope that the British royal family take a minute or two today to realise what happens when you rob the people all of the time and continually ask for more money because your palaces are falling down.

Oh and maybe they could send the Russian Royal Family’s jewellery back to Russia. The British royal family bought a lot of the more glittery baubles on the quiet after the Tzar and his family had no further use for them not many people know that – if you are wondering what it is like to be in a dead Tzarina’s Tiara – well simple just ask the British queen!

Here is a nice picture of the ‘poor’ British queen wearing The Russian Kokoshnik Tiara which was bought after the messy business of July 16th 1918.

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Bad Kitty Oscar the Cat Burglar

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The owners of a Cat called Oscar have reported him to the police because he has developed a bit of a bad habit.

Oscar has stolen dozens of knickers and other unusual items of clothing from his neighbour’s gardens. Unfortunately where Oscar went wrong and his crime was discovered was that he obviously hadn’t thought his crime through properly and arranged for a fence to buy the haul of over 70 items of mainly ladies underwear. All of which meant that as Oscar’s habit grew so did the pile of washing in outside the back door of his home in Gordon Avenue, Southampton, England.

For a while it seems Oscar attempted in vain to control his larcenous underwear habit and concentrated on stealing Gardening Gloves, but as his massive collection of ladies ‘frillies’ demonstrates underwear was his first and only love and he soon went back to ‘collecting’ whatever lacy little numbers he could find, some 55 items from his colourful collection no less.

Frightened that their neighbour’s might start to think that there was a pervert, at worst or a petty thief at best, lurking in their shrubbery Oscar’s humans Mr. and Mrs. Weismantel decided that enough was enough and alerted the local police.

Happily Oscar wasn’t taken down to the police station because as usual the police were at a loss as to what to do about this clever Cat Burglar and were unable to help, but then they aren’t all that good as solving crimes.

It is clear that Oscar’s run in with the law has had absolutely no effect upon his little hobby and he happily and brazenly has stepped up his campaign to ‘own’ all of the underwear in his neighbourhood and it is understood from a local loose mouthed Tabby that Oscar is on the look out for a couple of thongs to add to his collection of smalls and of course ‘bigs’ – the area is a number of pensioners who have also fallen prey to Oscar’s ‘indulgences.’

The Cat thinks that this hero should watch out though because it is understood that Vets have been contacted from the local Cat’s Protection League – a charity and not a Mafia style crime operation – and they have stated that “though it is unusual for a Cat to bring underwear back to his or her humans it is not uncommon for Cat’s to offer presents as a token of appreciation to their humans and indeed as a means of paying their way for their food and a roof over their head.”

Obviously this is drivel the notion that Cats would want to reward humans for looking after them is very distasteful to this Cat and I am sure all Cats in the world who of course consider themselves to be ornamental and by their very existence allow the humans who care for them to be rewarded with the satisfaction of knowing that they are doing a difficult job extremely well.

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Summer Has Come To The Czech republic

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It is that time of year again! Summer is here at last. Sadly the supreme being who created peadophiles, rapists, slums, poverty, cruelty and all of the other gifts that ‘he’ gave us convinced the Czechs, and indeed a lot of other misguided people in the surrounding area such as the Germans, Slovaks and what not, that they should leave their clothes in a pile somewhere and ‘enjoy’ the sun’s rays the way that ‘he’ had intended – au naturel!

What the misguided people in the surrounding area such as the Germans, Slovaks and in particular the Czech don’t seem to know is that nature au naturel is rather attractive, but their naked white bodies blistering in the sun’s microwaves are not, I wonder how one small but clever Cat can get through to these misguided hordes of naked humans and convince them to wear something and please not a thong and a frown like the French do at the beach?

Frankly I don’t know how to go about convincing the entire continent to cover up, I did think about naming and shaming but there are too many of the buggers, then I thought about showing photographs of them to a wider audience in the hope that the world would campaign against these lovers of nature but if I did that my lovely blog would look like one of ‘those’ sites that you get when you mistype some url’s and we can’t have that can we? I am a lot of things and have been called most but I’m not a pornographic pussy if you see what I mean.

So I am at a loss on how to stop all of this vast and unwelcome exposure of human flesh, you know sometimes I wish I was a politician because they are really rather good at cover ups aren’t they!

The trouble with being a good looking Cat I suppose I just don’t understand humans sometimes, what on earth gets into them that they have to take their clothes off and try to improve the beauty of a wooded, lakeside beauty spot.

What is worse is that from my lofty offices up here where the Barrandov Film Studios are I can actually see… sorry I just don’t have the vocabulary to describe what I can see or indeed the stomach!

Unfortunately there is one other problem today and that is what photograph to use in my pretty blog and so here is the only thing that I could think of it – is a suggestion of apparel for Czechs and the other misguided people in Europe to wear when they want to be ‘au naturel’ in nature.

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Here are the instructions for using fig leaves for the more simple minded ie the entire nations of France Germany, Slovakia and of course the Czech Republic.

Men should wear one fig leaf and women three and men try to resist choosing a fig leaf that is too big you will only look ridiculous, and never wear a fig leave with any figs attached that would only lead to ‘complications’ and increased female expectations that I couldn’t possibily describe here!

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When Charity Goes Absolutely Bonkers!

Recently a 77 year old widow who lives in Norfolk a rural, tranquil backwater of England decided that she couldn’t live without a Cat, a very sensible view in my opinion, and so Mrs. Margaret Baker contacted a charity called Feline Care to see if she could adopt a Cat.

Mrs. Baker then went along to the charity’s Cat sanctuary and fell in love with a Bengal Cat called Lilly, it was about then that the charity’s cold hearted madness began.

First the charity said that they would have to ‘vet’ Mrs. Baker, which I suppose is reasonable. Of course Mrs. Baker agreed because she dearly wanted Lilly as a companion, because her husband Ted had recently died, but frankly the word ‘vetting’ sends a chill up my spine because I remember being ‘vetted’ and I still think to this day that I lost something in the ‘vetting’ process. I just hope that Mrs. Baker’s ‘vetting’ was a newer different type of ‘vetting.

After ‘vetting’ Mrs. Baker the charity called her with the rather bad news that in their opinion she lived in the wrong postcode area (post codes are like zip codes) and so she couldn’t have a cat. Feline Care apparently turned down Mrs. Baker’s application because her home of 38 years on Abbey Estate in Thetford, Norfolk (pictured below), was deemed by them to be in too rough an area for a Cat, they didn’t mention whether it was dangerous for pensioners in their ‘esteemed’ opinion.

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Mrs Baker was rightly absolutely speechless and said:

“I was numb then I put the phone down and just burst into tears.”

In their defence Feline Care said that they had heard of reports of Dogs attacking Cats in the area but didn’t seem to have the supporting documentation to hand. Since this terrible disappointment Mrs. Baker has adopted a British Grey Cat called Smokey, who is a rather good looking Cat in this Cat’s opinion, because life didn’t seem to have much of a point anymore.

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Mrs. Baker said: “When I went out I realised that when I came back home I hated it. There was nothing to come back to. You could say that my husband Ted and I were joined at the hip and we did everything together.”

Smokey sounds as though he will be the perfect partner for Mrs. Baker because he is obviously a house Cat and therefore won’t be worried about Dogs who chase Cats and not knowing where the closest tree is.

With the last words on the subject Mrs. Baker said:

“Now I’ve got Smokey I don’t mind coming home any more.”

The Cat’s thoughts!

So did Feline Care get it right? Well as you can see from the picture above of the Abbey Estate it doesn’t look much like anywhere else in rundown, redundant Britain and sadly the Abbey Estate and its inhabitants have probably seem the ‘best’ times that they will have because of the economic mess Britain is in.

Is the estate only fit for humans and Dogs and not Cats as you can see in the picture the speed limit if it is enforced would be helpful, there are trees and some grass and on balance it looks ok and although choosey, this Cat believes that he could live there as obviously so does Smokey who already seems at home on Mrs. Baker’s armchair, though I have a feeling that Smokey really wishes Mrs. Baker would move so he could stretch out in the chair.

Smokey does has that ‘stoaty’ look that Cat’s have when they want something and the chair is a no brainer, better still he is rejecting the Cat treat Mrs. Baker is offering him, on the spoon in her right hand, a clear indication that he gets a good few Cat treats.

Yes this Cat believes that Smokey is truly at home on the Abbey Estate in the wonderful care of Mrs. Baker and is better off for it, let’s face the hard reality as a stray Cat he has a 70% chance that he would not survive on any street anywhere for more than a week or so and the figures are worse in places the undeveloped world like India and don’t forget he could become a dinner course in China.

Of course this Cat understands that charities such as Feline Care have to protect the Cats that they rehouse and indeed have an obligation to the good people who support them financially, but a lot of Cats are what is known in Catty circles as ‘home Cats’ they tend to not want to go out and are really happy to be indoors on a convenient lap or stretched out above a radiator in the Winter.

Surely Feline Care have Cats like these to offer pensioners who themselves a bit like home birds? Well that is what this clever Cat thinks although of course this Cat is definitely an outdoor Cat of the world as you all know from my wonderful book available at places such as Amazon.com and my wickedly wonderful website or www www.thecatsdiary.com

In my considered opinion you should really think hard and long about giving money to any charities because firstly not much of your hard earned cash actually goes to doing what they say they are going to be doing, especially the big global charities like Oxfam, Greenpeace, Christian Aid, Amnesty International or indeed the much smaller though no less bossy and opinionated charities like Feline Care.

To be brutally honest charities actually do very little good with the money that you entrust to them because they have large prestigious offices to maintain in so many different countries, CEO’s on extremely generous salary and benefit packages, vast numbers of staff and worse they are increasingly connected to governments and not adverse in lecturing you and I, the common or garden people and Cats, on what we should be doing with our lives and that isn’t right is it?

But by far and away worst of all charities not only have a significant contributions from the public they are constantly given enormous amounts of money by governments, UN and other funds to spend but still they ask for more and more.

Whatever you do when the charities show the next humbling picture of poverty, neglect or heart wrenching torment don’t forget the last crises in Africa was manufactured by them just to get the general public to drop money in their tins. Maybe it is time charities became a lot more accountable in every way!

Still after all is said and done and the hot air has settled this Cat hopes that Mrs. Baker and Smokey are happy together, there are too many lonely people in the world to say nothing of the number of Cats without a home!

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It Is Amazing What A Little Sun Can Do!

As a clever Cat I find it is really quite incredible just what a few days of sunshine can do to the human mind.

Here in the middle of Europe people are back in shorts as I said a few blogs ago, the tops of cars are down if they are soft, and that is before the last frosts of the year have finished doing what frosts do.

But it is not only the mad central Europeans who have displayed phototropic responses, happily more and more people have obviously decided to grab a good book, namely mine and sales at places such as Amazon.com and my wickedly wonderful website or www www.thecatsdiary.com have just exploded. What excellent taste you humans have, well the ones who’ve bought my masterpiece of feline literature.

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It seems the sun has also had a wonderful effect on my Prize Giveaway because the donations are rolling in and someone even donated more than a dollar har ha, if you haven’t had an opportunity to look closely at my Prize Giveaway why not pop along to this page on my wickedly wonderful website or www www.thecatsdiary.com here the giveaway and join in the fun.

Even Dave the Cat seems to have caught the Sun and changed his hat for a more summery one although between you and me I am a little worried about Dave the Cat and that is because he seems to be leaning the other way if you see what I mean and that is only the start of it, what about his choice of hat? The only thing you can really say is that it is “consistent” isn’t it!

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Scientists Tut Tut Can You Believe Them?

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Recently I have heard that scientists have decided, after conducting new research, that Black Tea is as good for you as Green Tea if you want to stay away from cancer even though scientific studies said that it wasn’t.

I also heard that apparently Eggs are good for you, in fact scientists now call Eggs a “superfood” although until now they were labelled by them as “dangerous” if you ate more than one a week.

Scientists seem to be a little confused about food don’t you think? Then there is what they have said about out planets climate, it seems the biggest danger to our planet and environment comes from climate scientists who seem to have go themselves in a right pickle and don’t seem to be able to tell their posterior from their anterior or their depleted ozone layers from a slowing Gulf Stream. Silly scientists!

Now they, the scientists seem to have struck again and it turns out according to new research that a Full English Breakfast is a healthier breakfast than Muesli! Why? Because a Full English Breakfast contains such a lot of fat.

The scientific reasoning behind this new discovery is that if you eat Muesli for breakfast your body will keep telling you that it wants some fat because it didn’t get any for breakfast and quite frankly it likes fat and in fact your body will whine all day until you go into a MacDonalds and fill up on grease. Where as if you eat a Full English Breakfast your body will be happy it got a bit of fat and will then contentedly keep its mouth shut for the rest of the day.

This is great news for people and Cats who like Full English Breakfasts and of course bad news for the slimmers and joggers out there! But then it seems that the slimmers and the joggers are the ones who suffer the most heart attacks any way, at least we now know why, they have been slipping into MacDonalds while they are out jogging to fill up on more fat than their bodies can take, and who can blame them, their bodies told them to do that and fitness fanatics always ‘listen’ to their bodies!

So I know what this clever Cat will be stealing from a plate near me soon, yes a Full English Breakfast. Until of course scientists decide that a Full English Breakfast is bad for Cats and Humans alike again or maybe this time we all should do what makes sense and eat what we like and stop listening to people who tell us such a lot of scientific nonsense.

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April Fools Day

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In England we have a sense of humour which is rather funny but not understood completely by the rest of the world, and of course in this case I mean England and not the other bits that are tagged on to the end of England where they don’t have a sense of humour (examples Billy Connolly, Bono, Gerry Adams).

Our sense of humour even extends to making one day special, well half a day actually as I will explain.

Today is that special day, April the first and on April 1st we can tell funny, tall stories until noon and anyone who believes them is an ‘April Fool’ but anyone who tells an April Fools joke after noon is an ‘April Fool’ themselves.

There is a tradition to have an April Fools day (usually on April 1st) in most countries and so you probably know what I am talking about, which makes a nice change!

Anyway I don’t know if April Fools jokes in other countries extend to the ‘media’ as they do in England and even if they do I still wanted to share this story from the Independent with you all, not only for the nonsense article itself which I think is funny, but also for the wonderful comments that the general public have added to the article.

So here is the article!

Hadron Collider II planned for circle line

I am sure that you will enjoy it for the nonsense it is and please do have a look at the comments if you get time some are as funny as the article itself.

I won’t spoil it by telling you what the article says, except to say that the mad scientists at the Cern laboratory are ‘reported’ saying that the 23km Tunnel which currently serves the London Underground’s Circle Line could house a successor to the Large Hadron Collider and if building work started soon it would be ready by 2020, tee hee.

Few people know the origins of April Fools day and so I thought this clever Cat would shed a little light on it for you!

In the 9th Century the Church in England wanted to take control of running the country and after putting their case to one of the madder of the current Queen of England’s relatives Edward 1st the Confessor both parties struck a deal to take over the administration of England and more importantly the collection of taxes.

The deal was a surprisingly good one for both parties, the Monarch for the first time had a marvellous network of administrators who administered laws and collected taxes efficiently and he didn’t have to lift a finger to do anything and the Church skimmed enough of the top to build Cathedrals, and become the second richest institution in England.

The arrangement was announced on April 1st in the year 878, the news took almost 11 months to travel the length and breath of England but that time scale was nothing in comparison to the length of time it took for the ruling class to adopt the new legislation and that is because no one with any sense could believe what had happened and thought that the whole thing was some sort of terrible not funny joke.

For this reason it took years for the country to completely come to terms with the new Church administration and adopt it fully because everyone believed that the demented King wasn’t serious.

So that is the reason why April 1st became known as the day to tell ‘tall’ stories although of course the first one wasn’t either ‘tall’ or funny and England suffered from the Church’s mis-administration, corruption and embezzlement for centuries.

Sort of reminds you of Putin’s Russia doesn’t it? With the Church’s part being played by the oligarchs this time. Anyway England became so desperately weak and discontented that it was easily conquered in 1066 by the Normans or the French if you like and the English don’t like so we call the French the Normans.

After Willy the Conk’s successful invasion, some say with the help of the Church who thought that they would get a better deal from the French, the Church managed to do a deal with the new King and so continued to collect taxes for hundreds of years thereby managing to keep their fingers in the England’s till for centuries.

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I hope that you have a very happy April Fools day.

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Summer Is Coming You Can Tell

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Hello all you lucky readers the sun is shining and you have another blog from me, what more could you want? Well my book well of course if you haven’t got it.

Today the sun is shining very brightly and the thermometer on the outside of the Kitchen window is showing 25 degree C, yes we know it does have a problem with the truth, and so it is probably 15 degrees cooler but still that is warm in comparison to what temperatures we have had here recently – and is about 60 degrees in the more sensible Fahrenheit way of understanding temperature I believe.

So no matter whether the thermometer (a nice English word without a French spelling) is lying or not, the day is nice and demonstrates that Spring if not Summer is coming to Prague and the Czech Republic.

Another sign that the weather was getting much milder today came in a very surprising form, when we went to put the trash out there was what looked like a dead human in one of the Wheelie Bins.

This sort of thing is not common in Prague and of course it is one of the reasons we moved out of smelly London, the last time I lived there my street was machine gunned as two drug dealers chased each other in cars up it and shot the buildings up into the bargain until one took a lump of lead and crashed his car outside of my building – very grand Theft Auto I must say, but not nice to live amongst.

Now because finding a dead body in your Wheelie Bin is not an everyday occurrence in sunny Prague you can imagine our surprise when we opened the lid of the bin to deposit our rubbish.

Obviously we chose another bin to dump the trash bag in and then stood there debating what to do about the – you know what, in the – you know where!

Deciding that it would be a good idea to call the police we went back inside and so as we looked out of the window for signs of life we started to dial the number and at the same time trying to work out the translation in to Czech of “I don’t know if you have already been told, or if you might consider it important but…”

Just as the number rang the Wheelie Bin lid opened and a man dressed like one of the very many people here who sort through Wheelie Bins to fill dirty carrier bags full of um, er, whatever they are looking for I suppose pull himself out and stretched wearily in the Sun.

He spent a few minutes getting the creases out of his jacket and arranging his woollie hat just so, then he reached in to the Wheelie Bin, grabbed a bottle of water (Volvic appears to be the water of choice if you are going to stay overnight in my Wheelie Bin) and then he sauntered off carrying a collection of dirty carrier bags.

“Huh!”

That is about all this clever Cat can say, although I have to say that I do feel for the ever increasing numbers of people who troll around Prague searching through Wheelie and non-Wheelie Bins, but in the main they are not victims of the recent banker’s balls-ups these people make a life choice and are it would seem very happy to graze bins for a living.

For what it is worth the only ones who ever ask you for money in the street are the punk like young ones who call themselves ‘Freegans” they are a curse of downtown Prague, in the summer especially, the others keep themselves to themselves and I suppose that a Wheelie Bin is better than a doorway and it probably makes a nice change on a warmish Springlike evening!

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