Mar 212012
 

Dave the Cat

Hello everyone it is me Dave the Cat you may well know me as a character in The Cat’s feline literary masterpiece ‘Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary,’ happily I am more than just a character and I wanted to prove that by writing a blog for The Cat and after a lot of whining, pawsticuffs and the promise of a day off The Cat has allowed me a whole page to talk to what he calls ‘his’ followers, but to people we all know like me even more than the Cat.

You know I am so happy to be the guest blogger today on The Cat’s blog, hang on sorry about this interruption, “what do you mean my blog was supposed to be a secret, oh I can see that now and yes you are right there is a clue in the title!”

Sorry about that Cats, ladies and gentlemen it appears that I have got off to a bit of a bad start with my blog, but that is just the half of it, I think it is really difficult to write blogs and I don’t know how The Cat manages to do it so often, I would take my hat off to him, but as you know I am allergic to taking my hat off.

You know I had it all planned, I was going to be witty, a bit racy and finish with a bang but I am finding it really difficult to write this blog, my thoughts hurt almost as much as my paws do from typing.

I was going to say… but I think I will leave that for later and go off and have a lie down.

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Mar 282011
 

As you may or may not be aware the British royal family is about to have a wedding, the marriage of St Diana the peoples princess’s son to someone or the other. The hope is that this time a royal marriage might be less disastrous than most of the family’s recent weddings which have not lasted long, caused enormous scandals, and even worried MI5 the British secret service and it is possible the happy couple have been more or less married in common law since they shacked up together at university.

So to celebrate ‘the occasion’ as some would call it, the merchandising department of Buckingham palace has been busy giving the regal nod, for a ‘consideration’ to all sorts of tat that is in the shops now, including some sort of dreadful game from the bride’s family who are as eager as the groom’s family to cash in on their daughter’s good fortune, as they probably see it.

Obviously with every merchandising ‘event’ from Disney Movies to well err Pixar movies the quality of the merchandising has to be monitored carefully by the rights holder so that the ‘right’ impression of the event and the status of those involved is forever carved in plastic.

The merchandising mangers in Buckingham Palace have been careful to ensure that the image of the ‘happy couple’ and their royal relations is one that creates the right impression and so they have only licensed “appropriate” merchandising.

Here for your delight, if you really adore rubbish, is a selection of the royal wedding merchandising that seems to have slipped through the net and not been given the royal seal of approval, which is odd because the selection beautiful sums up the regally happy couple, the family into which the bride is marrying and indeed the ‘entiresome’ event.

Let me explain the word ‘entiresome’ it’s a newly invented word (I invented it for this article in fact) and it’s used to explain, in one word, something that’s not only ‘entirely’ ‘tiresome’ but also everything that is to do with it is as well.

So here for your pleasure are just a few merchandising items that I think beautifully sum up the happy event with a commentary where ‘unnecessary’ tee hee!

If you are like me the first example of royal wedding tat is something you really couldn’t do without.

Sick

I am sure that you will agree with me I can’t understand why these uncannily lifelike moulded plastic replicas of the royal family and the happy couple weren’t approved by Buckingham Palace! It’s sad that a lot of Chinese workers hard work has it would seem gone to waste, still i believe there is one scrap of silver in the lining of the story and that is that the models are recyclable.

Lifelike

It is a mystery to me why these excellent single cup tea bags haven’t seen the royal nod, the images look, let’s face it, very much like the royal subjects especially wills and tea is the national drink of the UK.

Bags

Just look at the craftsmanship that went into producing the salt cellar below and then think about the poor souls who slaved away for little or no wages to help celebrate the happy occasion, I feel for these people when I think their exquisite commemorative condiments were not on the offical list of rubbish that is being sold to help everyone celebrate this ‘momentous’ occasion.

I have to say I am using the word ‘momentous’ in an entirely new what here because I hope that when used in the same sentences as the words ‘royal wedding’ it will come to mean something that is forgotten in a moment.

Idiot Salt

Last but not least The Cat and his friends have produced their very own tribute to the happily royal couple ladies and gentlemen we give you dave the Cat and Crown! Dave the Cat as always is elegant, tasteful and regal in a bobble hat.

Dave the Cat and Crown

If you would like to purchase a copy of Dave the Cat’s commemorative picture you can do so reply to this blog or write to me The Cat at thecat@thecatsdiary.com for details. If you have bought or want to buy any of the official or unofficial tat that is on sale to commemorate this happy occasion do let me The Cat know and I will arrange for someone to visit you and provide counselling.

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Mar 122011
 

You have to try my latest game it’s a Helicopter Game that I have just added to the games page on my www.wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com, the lads and I have been playing it nonstop for a day now.

Dave the Cat holds the record here for having travelled to the Moon which is 238,857 miles – ok he’s a bit of a big head, but if it is any consolation his right paw is definitely falling off – no I know I shouldn’t laugh!

Helicopter Game

This is a great game that’s easy to play – well I found it easy and so did Dave the Cat obviously, you just left click to go up and let go to go down.

I hope you enjoy it and do try to beat Dave the Cat’s record by oh say travelling to the Moon and back tee hee and don’t forget you just left click to go up and let go to go down let me know how you do won’t you so that I can rub Dave The Cat’s nose in it – no sorry I mean so that I can let Dave the Cat know how good you are… simply click here Helicopter Game and you will be sitting in your helicopter ready to play with your joystick – now why does that sound odd!


About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Mar 022011
 

Ok so Russia is fabled for its high level of Vodka consumption but very sober air traffic controllers in the cold east of Russia recently claimed that they were ‘buzzed’ by a UFO travelling at 6000 mph – yes ‘6000 mph.’

And (it gets worse) when they spoke to the pilot she replied “with a female sounding alien voice in a language that was unintelligible but sounded Cat-like,” said one air traffic controller who probably needed at least a double Vodka or five to calm his nerves.

The Cat has decided to call out latest extra terrestrial visitors ‘Catliens’ and hopes that they are just a little more interesting and indeed ‘real’ than ET, who made one great movie but was never heard of ever again! Makes you wonder what Steven Spielberg did with the poor little guy doesn’t it?

The speed of the craft is almost as exceptional as the language of the pilot – what a shame I wasn’t there to translate, maybe I will be called into act as a consultant now that would be a nice little earner wouldn’t it – because it was travelling so fast. If you earthlings look here on Wikipedia you’ll see that the fastest manmade aircraft, the rather terrifying looking, Lockheed SR-71 Blackbird #61-7958 set the fastest time every by a man made jet on 28th July 1976 of 2,193.2 mph while being flown by Capt. Eldon W. Joersz and Maj. George T. Morgan.

Lockheed SR 71 Blackbird

The UFO was assigned a numerical code on the Russian radar of 00000 because the air traffic control system could not identify the aircraft and it can be seen clearly in the picture below flying straight towards the capital of the region Yakutsk. On the picture below I have circled the ‘object’ in red so that you can see it easily!

Radar Image of UFO

The air traffic controller told a passing Aeroflot pilot “I kept hearing some female voice, as if a woman was saying mioaw-mioaw all the time.” Unfortunately as you will hear on the video, which I have
posted on my www.wickedly wonderful website’s new video page my new Video page the air traffic controller’s contact with the Aeroflot pilot was disrupted by interference from the UFO as though it was jamming it – ‘da dah da’ sorry that is not a lot of russian ‘yes’s’ it is obviously a musical accompaniment to a significant fact!

Last night there was no comment from airport officials on the Catlien UFO contact, the video or indeed anything but then we were talking to Russians, which is odd because although the video has only recently come to light it was made some time ago (and surely they would have had time to get their story straight wouldn’t they?) because you can’t see any snow outside the control tower windows and currently Yakutsk is covered in the stuff with an air temperature of minus 30C and that is how it will be for eight months of the year.

Of course some experts, and frankly some people who are totally the opposite, claim that it is widely known that UFOs have made contact and landed on Earth but details have never been made public, is this the first time we, the more general public have made ‘contact?’ Actually that would be nice because ‘Contact’ was a great movie and little what’s her name who starred in it hasn’t really worked since, no let me correct that she hasn’t done anything as good since ‘Contact!’

Oh by the way I thought that I would mention that when I do chat to the other super intelligent Catlike beings I will put in a good word for most humans, but of course a Cat has to live (preferably in luxury) and if anyone feels like chipping in with the expenses then now, I strongly recommend, is ‘the’ time because you’ll go to the top of my list.

If you want to know the things I like you could do some research by reading my book Getting Out – Excerpts Cat’s Diary and you can get it here Amazon.com or you could read my www.wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com and of course it should go without saying that you must make sure that you get my next book which should be in the shops very soon it’s a brilliantly written ‘Travelogue.’

One thing I can assure you earthlings of is that, as yet, I haven’t travelled away from our planet, that is the planet that will belong to Catkind very soon of course it used to be called Earth though as yet we Cats haven’t actually agreed on a new name for our planet.

I can assure you it definitely won’t be called ‘Planet Fish’ as Dave the Cat suggested. He is more annoying than usual after eventually grasping the fact that the new overlords of the earth will be err… us and now keeps making buzzing noises and has stuck a wire coat hanger and two knitting needles into the top of his woolly hat and keeps repeating “I am an alien give me your fish earthling!” Then he throws his wonderful toy Space Rocket, which he got here from my friends at Mad Cat Toys, into the air and whistles like a Pig – or is it more like a Banker – I can never tell the difference.

If you want to do the same as Dave the Cat or just own one of these wonderful toy Space Rockets then do please click the little link that rather convenient says “Mad Cat Toys” on my blog and you will be whizzed there to choose your Space Rocket and more and I’ll get a very small ‘consideration’ for sending you there which is nice isn’t it?

Or if you can’t see the nice little logo of a Mad Cat then click here blog.thecatsdiary.com and you will be taken to my blog’s main page and “hey presto!” As magicians say when they are annoying Rabbits – you will see it!

If you want to see the whole Catlien experience do click here and watch the video on my www.wickedly wonderful website my new Video page where you can actually see that the UFO is travelling at a much faster speed than any of the aircraft nearby.

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Jan 212011
 

As the title says I have been to the mystic east – they call it that because no one knows what they are doing and therefore daily life is as much a mystery to the people there as it is to the casual tourist!

Having said that I loved Japan and its exotic mystery but when it comes to food the mystery deepens and frankly I was just to confused to eat to say nothing of being afraid of the descriptions of the food.

Here are two examples of ‘simple’ (you would think) juice and ice cream treats available in Tokyo.

Coolwhat.png

Cool what?

Bluebelly and what?.png

Bluebelly lovely!

Things got worst I have to say when I went to Hong Kong, Dave the Cat had wandered off which is why this menu seemed somehow ominous.

So Tht's What Happened To Dave.png

Braised fresh Dave – No!

So what was I doing in the mystic east apart from starving of course, well I am over half way through my ‘Travelogue’ it is going to be my next book and will soon be out on Amazon.com, any really good bookshop, www.thecatsdiary.com and frankly hundreds of thousands of top quality stockists just like my latest masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ which will be a movie one of these days.

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Dec 312010
 

Fireworks 2.jpg

Actually before I start this very brief blog which will probably thank the people who have helped me to become an even bigger star this year and hopefully will propel me to even greater heights next year I would like to qualify the title of this blog.

I do sincerely wish a Happy New Year to all of those who have helped me and to all of those who have starred as characters in my book, my blog and my website and most especially to my loyal and really very cuddly readers who have bought my book but I am damned if I am going to wish a Happy New year to those who haven’t bought my book which can be purchased here Amazon.com quickly if you want to be included in this New Year’s wish.

So happy New Year to Lena, Tina, Tanya, Dave the Cat, Burt the Black and White Cat, Ginger, Topsy, Fluffy and George, I hope where ever you all you enjoy the celebrations and those with fur are far away from the noise, lights and bangs that humans seem to like so much at this time of year.

Fireworks 1.jpg

Now I don’t do this very often but it seems right to sign this blog.

Purrs,

The Cat

PS

‘Purrs’ in Cat language is like ‘regards,’ ‘sincerely’ and the like in human and does not mean as some people think that my name is ‘Purrs’ as in ‘Purrs the Cat.’

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Dec 262010
 

Christmas Wreath.png

As the title says I was going to have a day off today – but the Czech rubbish men’s rubbish collection on Christmas Day both impressed me and shamed me into stirring into a some sort of action today – yes it took me a whole day to even consider working on what should be my day off – am I lazy or just a feline committed to the ‘old ways,’ I prefer to think that the latter is the case if it is all the same to you!

But you have to be impressed with the dedication of those orange boiler suit clad warriors fighting against full rubbish bins making their third collection of rubbish in a week, they are amazing – where else would that sort of dedication occur? Not in any of the ‘civilised’ countries I know of like err England, France or even the good old US of A.

So unfortunately I couldn’t sit here – well lie here – next to a radiator waiting for a warm human lap to appear and then lazily plonk myself on it and beg for Prawns could I?

By the way there were Prawns aplenty yesterday you could say that the place was “awash” with Prawns. I have to announce proudly that I had more than my fair share and managed to keep them down, although I did have dreams about the sea last night! I wonder if there’s any connection?

Anyway that is enough deviating from the point that I know I haven’t made yet. The point I want to point out is this latest outrage from those spoilt spongers who call themselves the “Royal Family of Great Britain and Ireland” or whatever today’s title is.

Just look at the person who calls herself “queen” in this snap taken in Norfolk land of the yokel and windmill! The dreadful old wrinkly is wearing a Cat as a hat – that is awful – some poor animal suffered there it would seem and worse the equally dreadful camellia ‘queen of pies’ seems to have got wind of the fact that the oldest royal wrinkly was going to wear large parts of an animal on her head and has joined in the ‘fun’ wearing what looks like ‘Bambi’ above her very prominent facial lines on her face that could only be described as a face that a plastic surgeon dreams of renovating.

Cat in a Hat.jpg

There is worse to come as well – not that the snaps of these women of a certain age are not awful enough on their own – take a look at the older woman’s handbag in the picture below. The logo in particular – does CC stand for ‘culled Cat’ are the royals – known for their mass murder of all animals in the name of hunting now turning to persecuting only Cats? Has my campaign against these over privileged spoilt brats who have no idea about the real world got them rattled? It looks like it doesn’t it!

CC logo - Culled Cat.jpg

A WORD FROM DAVE THE CAT

“It’s going to be more than one word I can tell you.” Pause for long explanation. “Oh sorry I didn’t know that the title of my bit was just an English phrase – my English isn’t as good as yours and I still don’t know why I can’t write this in ‘Cat?’

“Anyway all I wanted to say was that that pair of wizened old ladies should be told that hats are for Cats and should not be made of them – that sounds like a really bad idea and what may I ask happens to the poor Cat whose fur you decided to use as a hat?”

“Furthermore!”

(Cat’s note; sorry about this but when Dave the Cat starts to talk he is difficult to shut up).

“I would imagine that Cat’s make really poor hats because they do tend to wriggle in their sleep and could easily slip off some old queen’s head, fall to the floor and if they were fast asleep get left behind, and I know that some Cats like me for instance are very sound sleepers and if, goodness forbid, some old queen wanted to use me as headgear I would probably slip off and get left behind.”

“Personally I think that the oldies in this picture are really unkind and callous…” “What do you mean I have to stop there – I have loads more to say…”

Dave the Cat.png

Editors note

Sorry Dave the Cat would have rambled on for hours if I hadn’t accidentally unplugged his laptop, it’s actually the first time he has ever used it, well apart from turning it on and either sleeping on top of it as it heats up to a level of spontaneous combustion or lying down wind of the hot air being extracted from inside with his nose pressed up against the fan grill and a really weird and not very nice look of satisfaction on his face that may contain at its root a smile of contentment.

Dear cuddly readers Dave the Cat wanted you all to know that the hat colour is “protest red” and I thought that I should pass that on because I was convinced it was a sort of ‘santa’s little helper red’ as it is Christmas, but he got very angry when I told him, I think he is worried about becoming a hat against his will – like the rest of us decent law abiding Cats.

Xmas Holly.png

Dec 162010
 

Here at Cat World HQ the nerve centre of Catdom and all things Cat we get a lot of things sent to us, some are wonderful, I love the presents and pictures, but frankly the cakes and sponges are a little bit too much and the ones which are made from Cat food are definitely crossing some sort of line somewhere.

Still enough of that and speaking of gifts – I would like another iPad if anyone is feeling generous, Dave the Cat took his hat off and put it on top of my lovely iPad and I can’t seem to get the stain off the glass! Goodness knows what he has under his hat and frankly ‘goodness’ can keep what he knows to himself if it is all the same to everyone. I find that old ‘goodness’ is a little slack mouthed don’t you?

One of the more interesting things that came through the internet recently was a photograph from Wikileaks (probably) and it is a very interesting picture, if say for instance you just happen to a friend of a certain Cat called Ginger and you haven’t seen a couple of acquaintances ‘Monte’ and ‘Po’ for a little while.

Now I’m never one to cast stones – I leave that to holy people with shaggy beards and discharge slips from asylums, but what on earth is Ginger up to in this picture? On first viewing you really have to wonder don’t you!

When I asked Ginger he said that there was nothing to worry about, they were just posing for one of those really dreadful pictures that circulate on the internet and says something like “Friends Forever” then when he looked at the picture he said “that’s odd the photographer was on the other side of the wall in front of us!”

Now Ginger has gone into hiding complaining that he is being stalked, I think Ginger is being stupid and even Dave the Cat said that Ginger was acting like a Cat without a hat or a clue!

And as I said Monte and Po are still missing do you think that the stalker was stalking them and not Ginger? Frankly their coats are in better nick than Ginger’s and they’re sort of coat that a Chinese furrier would love to run up into a jacket or two, so I have to stop here and go out to post some more LOST posters – if anyone spots Monte or Po please let me know here thecat@thecatsdiary.com thats my email address of course – cool isn’t it?

Ginger - Getting rid of a couple of rivals.jpg

Please don’t forget that Amazon.com have very kindly completely restocked my best selling book – Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary – and that of course means that you can easily order a copy now and have it delivered before the Christmas day, they say that my book makes a wonderful present and who am I to disagree?

Get your copy of Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary – or better still copies here Amazon.com and of course you can always get a copy of my perfect book from my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com where you can also enjoy a lot of other stuff free online games, jokes, and so much more.

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Oct 052010
 

When I woke up today I was hot, sweaty, my headaches and my tail seems droopy and worse I didn’t know where I was. I suppose that will teach me not to fall asleep on the radiator but in my defence I had no idea that the radiators were on. Usually the radiators aren’t turned on until the end of October.

So to have the radiators turned on so early means that the winter is going to be harsh and that in turn means that Dave the Cat will be sporting his woolley hat for longer, gosh how I hate consequences!

Dave Sunburnt.jpg

And of course as well as hating consequences I hate Dave the Cat’s hat.

Apr 302010
 
Warm& Sticky.jpg

As you know I like to add a nice picture here and there when I can, I think it makes a special blog written by a very intelligent, handsome and generous Cat – no me silly – look so much nicer don’t you?

So imagine my dilemma – which I can hardly spell – let alone want to suffer – when I wanted to tell you just how warm and sticky I feel today lying in the bright hot sunshine.

Now Cats don’t, as a rule, sweat! It is a well known fact that unfortunately Dave the Cat has never heard of, but that is because he is completely deaf when he wears his darn hat, then again if he didn’t wear that darn hat he probably wouldn’t sweat would he darn Cat?

Anyway I think that I have been infected with ‘Daveitis’ because lying in the window today on top of the red sofa (a capital offence I heard somewhere but who cares?) I have started to develop ‘clarty fur!’

What do you mean you have no idea what clarty fur is? Well clarty fur is the best way I know of to describe what has happened to the fur under my neck, and indeed under ‘me’ well where the bits of me that touch the red sofa that is!

My nice sleek clean fur is all matted and stuck together and that is ‘clarty,’ the word ‘clarty’ is believe it or not a West Country (probably Devonian) expression for stuff that has clotted or matted together, both mud and cream can be ‘clarty’ and when you lick one it tastes awful, but when you lick the other it is heavenly – promise.

Here is a warning – no not about licking cream that isn’t a creamy colour, it is about the word ‘clarty’ please don’t confuse the West Country definition with the Scottish version, the red headed idiots across the border use the word ‘clarty’ to describe dirt, especially if that dirt is filthy and disgusting, now just imagine licking Scottish Clarty Cream – ugh!

Mind you, the Scottish definition could be used to describe what the fur is like under Dave the Cat’s hat and unfortunately under yours truly, what a shame it is that Cat’s lick themselves clean, well in the main Cat’s lick themselves clean, Dave the Cat says that he gave up licking himself clean for ‘Lent’ being a good Christian Cat that is (news to me of course), then he added that he has one small problem, he doesn’t know when Lent ends and doesn’t want to incur the wrath of the Almighty and lick himself prematurely.

Yes Dave the Cat is quite mad, what on earth would the Almighty and I am sure he is referring to the ‘almighty’ Oprah Winfrey here do to him for forgetting to wash? Apart from chat showing him to death of course!

Warm & Sticky 1.jpg

PS

Did anyone see that Bono’s investment company lost $140 million big ones after investing in Palm the phone and unpopular gadget people now that HP has bought them, I laughed, it couldn’t happen to a nice big head could it?

Still I can’t say too much here at the moment and that is because I have just emailed Bono asking if he can give me $550 million (oops that typo again, why do I type two noughts after the five and it comes out like this 550 – I suppose it is just self worth kicking in!) to emancipate me from this feline slavery that I find myself uncomfortably trapped in.

Mind you the slavery has its up side, I am now writing and singing Spirituals, my rhythm seems to have improved greatly, I am wearing a lot of Gingham and considering writing a TV series about my Roots!

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