May 282013
 

In Devon, England, they believe in using humour to insult both sexes, which is not something you see everyday happily.

Sexist humour Devon

What a shame the publican had to resort to such humour, the pubs looks like a nice one in a nice village, but that sign would put me off ever going in there, even if I liked to drink, I hope that the same can be said for everyone – but who am I kidding? It won’t will it!

About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

I would like to tell you all about something new and rather nice that you can get from the Apple iBooks store at last, yes it’s my wonderful first book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ so what are you waiting for you lovely Apple users?

Mar 262011
 

Nature sometimes is odd and always unpredictable and just to prove that I give you Bette a Cat with a big heart, a big heart on her side!

Bette or to give her her fully name “Bette Davis” (we are going to have to talk about the names you humans give Cats at some time in the very near future aren’t we?) has one of the most unusual fur markings on her side that is literally heart shaped.

But Bette is more than just your average Moggy with an odd shaped birthmark that she will happily show you even when not asked, Bette needs a home. Can you believe that a Cat who embodies love was just dumped at a Cat shelter in February? I don’t like to think that humans do that to their Cats of course, but sadly it doesn’t stop it happening does it?

After nearly a month of kinder care Bette is getting back to her old self, she is no longer emaciated and of course her coat is no longer dirty and dishevelled and her heart is positively glowing.

Bette The Cat With Heart

Like all Cats who have been deserted by their human families Bette needs a home, currently she lives at the Gables Farm Dogs’ and Cats’ Home in Plymouth, Devon, England and if you want to adopt her then of course you will have to live close by especially because the staff there will want to see Bette often because she is so very popular.

On the other paw if you want a Cat do adopt one because there are thousands all over the world waiting for a nice home, but and it is a very big ‘but’ do think about what having a Cat in the family will be like before you start to buy the fuffy mice toys won’t you. Cats are not always the best long term house guests (just read my book “Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary” for more on that), they can be very messy and worst of all they adamantly refuse to do the washing up!

For anyone interested in reading the extreme adventures of a Cat in a house then you can get my masterpiece of feline literature “Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary” here Amazon.com at any good bookstore or from my store at my www.wickedly wonderful website here my store at www.thecatsdiary.com

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Jul 162010
 

Do we live in a nannist world? I think so because everything we do seems to be monitored, filtered and checked to ensure that we don’t hurt ourselves physically or mentally by doing things like err living.

That is daft isn’t it? We, both humans and animals are living our lives in a big and dangerous place, it is called the world, which is full of all sorts of dreadful stuff that is just waiting to bite you and worse in Iran if you are a married woman and have a bit of a slap and tickle with a man who isn’t your husband you are liable to get stoned to death! But then happily the rest of the world isn’t as looney as the chaps in long dresses in Tehran, no wonder Iranian women wear clothing that only shows their eyes, it is obviously for protection because Iranian and indeed Arab men are some of the randiest bunch of perverts in the world and will leap on anything unless it is clearly marked ‘untouchable’ as in a poor woman wearing a full body cover, though even that doesn’t very well and worse I’ve heard even the goats in Iran are asking to wear the ḥijāb these days for protection!

But is the civilised world ‘that’ dangerous? Or are we both humans and Cats being saved from ourselves before we have actually put ourselves in harms way? I have to say that this clever Cat thinks so.

Why? I hear you ask, well the answer is simple. As you probably know I loathe www.Google.com and that means that for all of my search requirements, spying, snooping and or news gathering I use www.Bing.com.

Frankly Bing isn’t much better than www.Google.com but at least by using Bing I stop www.Google.com snooping and spying on me by not using their services and I heartily suggest and recommend that you do the same and do it fast.

Anyway www.Bing.com is as good or as bad at what it does as Google usually, but I have noticed one or two annoying things about www.Bing.com and to date this is the most annoying thing…

Just like the search engine Microsoft copied when they wrote Bing’s software Google you can’t personalise your copy and so if you have an inclination or indeed a requirement to change the default search options you can only do that for one session and then they default back to what Microsoft – opps sorry we are supposed to call Bing ‘Bing’ because Microsoft is so unpopular – wants you to use for your own good of course!

So what does that mean exactly? Well I wanted some pictures of a lovely place in England in the county of Devon, the place is called “Saunton Sands” and as the name suggests Saunton is on the coast and has a few miles of sand.

So I typed in Saunton Sands and got this message from good old Bing and no pictures at all.

“The search for Saunton Sands devon may contain explicit adult content and has been filtered” etc…. etc… as you can see from the picture of the daft screen message. Well I know I spelt devon with a lowercase ‘d’ but what is offensive about any or all of the words that I used in the search? Beats the f**king, c**p out of any of the logical reasons I can think of.

Bing warning.jpg

So I had to turn the filter off and risk explicit adult pictures of “Saunton Sands devon” and here is the result, obviously don’t look if you are of a delicate disposition or if sand, sun and sea have a debilitating effect on you or indeed arouse you in anyway what so ever.

Saunton results.jpg

Where are the naked ladies and other pervert’s pleasures? The only thing that is naked is the wonderful sands at Saunton, although because it is in England it will be covered in litter I expect.

Sometimes I despair of this world and all of the idiots in it, except of course for my lovely fans and readers I love them all you are the intelligent ones, mainly because you like my Best Selling Book of course.

Oh don’t forget to bully someone you know into ordering my book here Amazon.com.

Guess what I have a very few first edition copies that are signed which you can order from my very own website here www.thecatsdiary.com.

These wonderful pristine copies of my best seller are a little more expensive than the ones at Amazon.com because of the cost of postage from the sweltering Czech republic sorry about that! But on the other hand these babies are worth a small fortune I noticed the other day at a specialist bookshop, but from my website they cost a tenth of the price so get someone else’s credit card now and burn some plastic.

Oh by the way, did you know that it was today, the 16th of July in 1918 that the Tzar and all of the royal family were ‘dealt’ with by the Russians?

Now I am not suggesting that the way they were dealt with was ‘good’ in any way, but I hope that the British royal family take a minute or two today to realise what happens when you rob the people all of the time and continually ask for more money because your palaces are falling down.

Oh and maybe they could send the Russian Royal Family’s jewellery back to Russia. The British royal family bought a lot of the more glittery baubles on the quiet after the Tzar and his family had no further use for them not many people know that – if you are wondering what it is like to be in a dead Tzarina’s Tiara – well simple just ask the British queen!

Here is a nice picture of the ‘poor’ British queen wearing The Russian Kokoshnik Tiara which was bought after the messy business of July 16th 1918.

Russian.jpg

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