Nov 292012
 

There is something rather sad about this poor little ‘A’ board standing alone and proud outside of a shop in Royston, Hertfordshire and it isn’t that it lives in Royston, Hertfordshire, I think, though it could be that of course!

Announcing your own end

No I the sad thing about this ‘A’ board is the fact that it appears to be announcing its own demise, which must be a terrible thing to have to do.

I wonder what the poor have little ‘A’ board will do next? Probably become a Pixar movie, they all seem to be getting a little alike these days if you ask me and the ‘A’ board looks a bit like ‘Wall-E’, but then I have to declare an interest in the quality of 3D animated movies, I want to make my own and need shed loads of cash, but nowhere near as much as Pixar, Disney and the other studios seem to spend I have to say.

It crossed my mind the other day that there is something wrong with the size of 3D animated and indeed 2D animated movies especially when I heard that mine would cost a mere $30 million.

Now I am not saying that $30 million is peanuts, that would be stupid and only worth of a Dog, no it is a fortune, but in comparison to what Disney, Pixar and Dreamworks claim to spend on their movies it’s one third yes you read that right, which all goes to show that my movie is going to be incredible value for money and better still I can make two more for the price of ‘Brave,’ ‘Shrek,’ ‘Tangled’ or any of those other ‘winners.’

Who knows if the trend I am setting catches on you might get cheaper Movie Theatre seats and less expensive Popcorn – who said I am only dreaming?

Actually I don’t think I am dreaming, surely anyone making a movie should get paid for its success and not as the case seems to be these days for ‘making’ the damn thing, this sort of thing leads to too many real turkeys getting through the wire doesn’t it? Which means that worst of all, you the movie going public, pay the best part of a couple of days wages to take your kids and some of their friends to the movies and fill them up on all of the over priced goodies available in the foyer like the aforementioned Popcorn, Nachos, Hot Dogs and then cold drinks to say nothing of Pick’n Mix.

Did you know that ‘foyer’ in French also means ‘hearth’ which frankly is where a lot of 3D animated movies should be consigned too, except mine when it is finished of course.


Don’t miss my Kickstarter Project

For a limited time only, as they say, you can help with what has been described as the best Kickstarter project ever, namely The Cat’s 3D Animated Movie Project.

Yes that’s right if you click here MY KICKSTARTER PROJECT you can help yourself to a piece of what will be movie history. I’m making a trailer for my up coming movie and I really need your help! Give as much as you like for wonderful and valuable rewards.

Sadly we live in a suspicious world so if you send this link to a friend you might like to use this one to show that there isn’t any funny business involved, there never is on my blog or site but then only you and I know that don’t we!

They can paste it into their browser and go straight to my 3D animated movie project page on Kickstarter.


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Mar 272012
 

Over the weekend as my twitter (twitter.com/TheCatsDiary) followers will probably know I watched the Muppet Movie, not the first one which has that wonderful gag about turning left at the fork in the road and the next thing you know there is a big fork stuck in the middle of a junction tee hee (oh how I laughed at that), no this was the most recent one and I have to say that I was so pleased to see that Disney seem to have learned their lesson from disaster movies like the ‘second coming of Pooh Bear’ or whatever the movie was called and they made a rather good little Muppet Movie.

I also have to say that I suppose that I am a little bias, liking the Muppets, being as you know something of a anthropomorphic character myself but all the same I would recommend that you rent of even buy the DVD of this fine little movie which should not only entrance five year olds but also make oldies laugh more than a little.

Muppet Movie

Speaking of twitter if you do happen to fancy a little adventure, and we are talking rather small here I have to say, do drop by my twitter page because if you do you will be able to see an old pal of mine, Bumper, who was a very large Tabby Cat of my acquaintance.

Bumper got his name from the part of a car that hit him before we rescued him from the side of a road in London. As you can see from the picture, Bumper made a full recovery and lived for ages with us in the countryside.

He enjoyed sunning himself, sniffing grasses in the garden if he was persuaded to go outside, something that he had obviously had quite enough of as an alley Cat. Most of all Bumper enjoyed impersonating desk ornaments, in fact he always wanted to be the only desk ornament and so when he stretched out on ‘his’ desk he would gently knock everything else that was on the desk off believing that his little game wasn’t being noticed! If any Cat in the world was more gentle or indeed more ‘smiley’ (if that was a word) then I haven’t met him or her he was a great Cat and the perfect advert for adopting a stray Cat.

If you got to my twitter page (address above for those who have problems remembering things they have read)you will also be able to see the result of my ‘Make a Carrot Cake Day.’ Oh you are so lucky my wonderfully cuddly readers.

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Dec 142011
 

I have been asked constantly recently a range of questions about poor old Dreamworks’ latest chump of a movie ‘Puss In Boots!’

Puss in Boots

The questions range include;

1. Is there any thing I can do to help Dreamworks write either a funny or successful movie (or preferably both) in the future?

2. Is there anything I can do for this turkey of a movie that they have in the Movie houses at the moment?

3. Can I think of anything to do with enormous surplus of ‘Puss In Boots’ merchandise that Dreamworks have.

Puss in Boots Toy

The sad fact (and I have a feeling that the Cat already knows it judging but his pose in the picture above) is that I can’t help the movie or the people behind it or assist in shifting tons of ‘Puss In Boots’ figures, cuddly toys, action sets. Although I do believe that I could find a use for any ‘Puss In Boots’ toilet paper!

‘Puss In Boots’ the movie suffers from being spun from a rather frail character in a successful franchise, like so many TV series that none of us can quiet remember.

The movie itself suffers from the fact that Dreamworks really doesn’t have any idea what young people find interesting, funny and most of all engaging; indeed I wonder if any grown-ups at Dreamworks asked even just one child if they liked actually liked ‘Puss In Boots?’ And not the one caught up in the obvious regard that they had for the Puss in footwear in Shrek.

The original ‘Puss in Boots’ story always bored the diapers off me when I was a kitten! And I am sure that goes for normal ordinary children as well.

The reason why ‘Shrek’ was so successful was that it was ‘different’ the reason why ‘Puss In Boots’ is a Dog of a movie and has had incredibly disappointing box office receipts is that it is just um, err, well, just that it’s bland, grey, tired, unoriginal – need I say more?

So onto something that is wonderful, colourful, funny, marvellous and the work of a genius and I have to say closer to my heart and will make a small fortune. I am currently looking for funding for a movie based on my first masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and judging by the fact that people with money are idiots and to prove that have invested heavily in a mess of a movie like ‘Puss In Boots’ I am expecting the cash any day.

As far as I can tell I think I have only one problem, and that is that if the idiots with money are prepared to pour so much cash into a Donkey of a project like ‘Puss In Boots’ will they put vast sums of money into something that is brilliantly written, desperately funny, and a work of some considerable genius! It is probably doubtful because that would require taste and imagination!

Can you see that I am face by an awful dilemma! Should I dumb down the script, take out the jokes and worse base my story on a tired nursery rhythm or English Pantomime? And believe it or not there is yet another problem with that scenario!

Are there any tired children’s stories left? Haven’t Disney and Dreamworks animated all of them already and are now at their wits end running around saying “oh no, we have to do something original now!”

Of course that won’t get them anywhere you only have to look at Pixar to see that, they provide movies with amazing technical brilliance, incredible animated tricks and so on and so forth but the storylines tend to be weak.

Just think of any of those dreadful driving movies staring someone called ‘Vin,’ the special effects are um… ‘special’ but that’s as far as it goes. Once you have seen a string of special effects you tend to be immune to them but not to the drone of the movie.

So if you have a few mill or even a few thou don’t let it go to waste, buy a share in what will be the animated movie moment of the century and help fund my wonderful movie as soon as possible so that we can get on with the production of that and the sequel at the same time.

If you need to have a quick read of my wonderful book before you decided to fund my movie then you can get it here Paperback edition of Getting Out at Amazon.com and of course the movie sequel here Paperback edition of The Cat’s Travelogue and do get a move on, I want to start filming as early as possible, I am a Cat who writes blogs who is in a hurry to be the first Cat to win an Oscar.

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Jun 142011
 

Dead Rats Old
I thought I would share a couple of photographs which I took when I was in Paris the other day.

Etablissements Julien Aurouze, Paris is an odd little shop as you can see from the display in the window they sell Rat traps and all sorts of other things that snap and dispatch the furry kind such as gulp yours truly.

As you can see from their window display of far too many dead Rats the stuff they sell does seem to work all too well.

Mind you for those of you who are like me and have a delicate constitution to match their stomach I can tell you happily that the rats in the window are preserved Rats and have been on display since 1925.

It’s a bit worrying that they look so fresh until you realise that Madam Tussaud was born in the neighbourhood and look what she has done to major and minor celebrities.

Some say that the shop was featured in the Disney movie Ratatoullie maybe one of my clever readers could say whether that is true or not because of course I don’t watch movies about Rats or Dogs for that matter so I don’t know if that is the truth.

Dead Rats Colour

About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Apr 082011
 

As you know I am a great lover of Prawns and indeed probably one of the world’s greatest experts on eating the tasty little devils but none of this helps me when I have to deal with my translator John Woodcock even though I have heard a lot of people call him a Prawn, mainly behind his back I have to say because he can be an ugly brute!

Oddly enough my translator John Woodcock has a wonderful and very good looking and talented daughter who is an actress and almost as famous as me Jo Woodcock is also very kind and sent me this picture of herself which she produced when tinkering with Photoshop. I have a feeling that she would rather like to play Disney’s The Little Mermaid.

As my cuddly readers are all so nice and often not only comment on just how wonderful my book “Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary” is but have also have indeed demonstrated how much they like it by buying thousands of them I thought I would share the picture with them so here it is!

Jo in a Reef

There’s only one thing wrong with this picture to my way of thinking and that is the total, utter and complete lack of Prawns and that is a shame, Prawns are nice crunchy little fellows who have the ability to brighten even the dreariest day.

Still there are three Clown Fish in it and they seem rather nice, personally I haven’t had the opportunity to eat Clown Fish so if any of my readers have beaten me to it and tucked in to Clown Fish do please let me know what they’re like.

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Mar 282011
 

As you may or may not be aware the British royal family is about to have a wedding, the marriage of St Diana the peoples princess’s son to someone or the other. The hope is that this time a royal marriage might be less disastrous than most of the family’s recent weddings which have not lasted long, caused enormous scandals, and even worried MI5 the British secret service and it is possible the happy couple have been more or less married in common law since they shacked up together at university.

So to celebrate ‘the occasion’ as some would call it, the merchandising department of Buckingham palace has been busy giving the regal nod, for a ‘consideration’ to all sorts of tat that is in the shops now, including some sort of dreadful game from the bride’s family who are as eager as the groom’s family to cash in on their daughter’s good fortune, as they probably see it.

Obviously with every merchandising ‘event’ from Disney Movies to well err Pixar movies the quality of the merchandising has to be monitored carefully by the rights holder so that the ‘right’ impression of the event and the status of those involved is forever carved in plastic.

The merchandising mangers in Buckingham Palace have been careful to ensure that the image of the ‘happy couple’ and their royal relations is one that creates the right impression and so they have only licensed “appropriate” merchandising.

Here for your delight, if you really adore rubbish, is a selection of the royal wedding merchandising that seems to have slipped through the net and not been given the royal seal of approval, which is odd because the selection beautiful sums up the regally happy couple, the family into which the bride is marrying and indeed the ‘entiresome’ event.

Let me explain the word ‘entiresome’ it’s a newly invented word (I invented it for this article in fact) and it’s used to explain, in one word, something that’s not only ‘entirely’ ‘tiresome’ but also everything that is to do with it is as well.

So here for your pleasure are just a few merchandising items that I think beautifully sum up the happy event with a commentary where ‘unnecessary’ tee hee!

If you are like me the first example of royal wedding tat is something you really couldn’t do without.

Sick

I am sure that you will agree with me I can’t understand why these uncannily lifelike moulded plastic replicas of the royal family and the happy couple weren’t approved by Buckingham Palace! It’s sad that a lot of Chinese workers hard work has it would seem gone to waste, still i believe there is one scrap of silver in the lining of the story and that is that the models are recyclable.

Lifelike

It is a mystery to me why these excellent single cup tea bags haven’t seen the royal nod, the images look, let’s face it, very much like the royal subjects especially wills and tea is the national drink of the UK.

Bags

Just look at the craftsmanship that went into producing the salt cellar below and then think about the poor souls who slaved away for little or no wages to help celebrate the happy occasion, I feel for these people when I think their exquisite commemorative condiments were not on the offical list of rubbish that is being sold to help everyone celebrate this ‘momentous’ occasion.

I have to say I am using the word ‘momentous’ in an entirely new what here because I hope that when used in the same sentences as the words ‘royal wedding’ it will come to mean something that is forgotten in a moment.

Idiot Salt

Last but not least The Cat and his friends have produced their very own tribute to the happily royal couple ladies and gentlemen we give you dave the Cat and Crown! Dave the Cat as always is elegant, tasteful and regal in a bobble hat.

Dave the Cat and Crown

If you would like to purchase a copy of Dave the Cat’s commemorative picture you can do so reply to this blog or write to me The Cat at thecat@thecatsdiary.com for details. If you have bought or want to buy any of the official or unofficial tat that is on sale to commemorate this happy occasion do let me The Cat know and I will arrange for someone to visit you and provide counselling.

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Dec 302010
 

Very occasionally I am lost for words! Yes really I mean it, I think it is because I write so many words so often that sometimes they just slip away unnoticed and disappear and then I am flummoxed and don’t know what to say, although it occurs to me if a Cat, no matter how clever, who is currently lost for words can come up with the word ‘flummoxed’ then there is no hope for mankind who’s children seem to be leaving school these days in their teens with reading and writing ages of children half their age – but then as usual I digress.

Back here at the point for a moment – I am occasionally I am lost for words! When I find that I can’t think of anything to type either for my amazingly wonderful blog or my latest blockbusting book (which is a Travelogue and yes there is still time for you to pay to have your country ‘removed’ from my incredible book that some say is the most truthful account of what a travel might experience in any of a number of countries) I do a bit of casual ‘web surfing’ – if they call it that these days – to see if I can find an idiot or two to expose, or indeed something note or news worthy that my lovely cuddly readers may have missed along their way – obviously the titbit of information has to be animal related and preferably Cat related.

Today I was surfing the web to do exactly that and guess what I found – no you would never guess in a million years it is so stupidly ridiculous.

I found a website which offers information, tips, hints and so forth on magic – ok so far that doesn’t constitute ‘stupidly ridiculous’ I agree but I think you will see what I mean by “stupidly ridiculous” when you start to read the BLACK CAT HAIR page. Especially when you discover that you can buy – how can I put this – ‘a sample’ I suppose is the best way to describe what the seller calls the – ‘Lucky Mojo Black Cat Hair Curio Pack’ he or she offers for sale.

Black Cat Hair.jpg

Now to this casual and extremely untrained connoisseur of Cat hair or ‘fur’ as we like to call it, although obviously witches differ, the ‘sample’ looks more like humans pubes – if I can say that on a website that attracts children – but then as I stated above they probably can’t read or understand what I am on about so I think I will be able to say ‘pubes’ don’t you?

Still does it matter if the bag contains pubes (hopefully human) to be honest! It’s bad enough if the product being offered for sale is real “Cat hair” (please call it fur) because if there is any demand there must be hundreds of bald moggies shivering across the west coast of America, the home of the producer of ‘Lucky Mojo Black Cat Hair Curio Pack’, but believe me the outrage of this item goes much further than either relieving hundreds of black Cats of their fur or snipping of clumps of black pubic hair and bagging it for sale, oh yes it definitely does.

The charlatan who previously probably sold a ‘patent cure’ from the back of a covered wagon says about the amazing product that black Cat hair has the following amazing properties –

  • Black Cat hair is lucky for Gamblers

  • Black Cat hair is used in a bottle spell to make a couple break up. (I suppose that the couple in question aren’t gamblers and what is a ‘bottle spell’ when it is at home?)

  • Black Cat hair can (only because it is associated with black Cats as far as I can ascertain) grant Invisibility or the Return of a Lost Lover. (Which is the opposite oddly enough. But that isn’t important, what is important is the reason why I say that black Cat hair must, in this case, be useful because it is associated with black Cats and that association enables the magic spell. Why is that well as every practitioner of magic knows it’s the magic or lucky bone that a black Cat is suppose to have that does that ‘trick.’ However it isn’t really lucky for a black Cat to possess such a prized bone because the only way to get at it, and presumably the luck it contains, is to get to the bone after boiling the black Cat alive!

The website does say “Obviously this spell is cruel and we do not endorse it. For folks in search of invisibility after a fashion, we offer Law Keep Away.” This Cat wonders what are the ingredients of ‘Law Keep Away?’ You’ll notice that they don’t say that this spell is gross, cruel, distasteful, daft and most importantly of all like all other spells from any religion, craft just doesn’t work!

I bet you are dying to know how to use the black Cat hair that you are just about to purchase to make you so much luckier a gambler than you currently are aren’t you – well for those with very good glasses the directions and some of the above are printed on the very unappealing label of the evidence bag style packaging that your black Cat hair comes in. But for those slightly less well endowed optically I have transcribed it below. Mind you I bet if you dig around in this unsavoury website you will probably find a potion that will sort out your eyesight once and for all.

So here is what you must do to become rich beyond your wildest dreams – do nothing – the black Cat hair it would seem does it all – whatever that is. Unfortunately there aren’t any clear instructions for use of this magic black Cat hair.

But if you want to cause lovers to Quarrel and Separate and in that order I suppose – although personally I have discovered in the normal world when you quarrel and separate you then do a lot more quarreling after the separation, all you do is this – mix the black Cat hair with Black Dog Hair, 9 Coffin Nails, 9 Needles, and 9 Pins (not of the bowling variety I presume) simple!

The page of the website I was reading didn’t say if it sold black Dog hair and the coffin nails etc., but I expect they do don’t you?

Oddly enough after the enormous effort of accumulating all of the ingredients there is no ‘method’ no explanation as to what to do with what amounts to a pocketful of trash.

Or indeed thinking about it – they don’t say what you do once you have done what you are supposed to do with the ingredients if you follow me and frankly I think I got lost there somewhere, but I think you know what I mean! The people who wrote the label don’t say that you have to mix the ingredients together and then they follow that lack of instruction by not saying what you have to do when you have done what they haven’t told you what to do – my head hurts now does yours? Yes – let’s move on then.

I just imagine a lot very annoyed witches and I suppose an equal number of dissatisfied warlocks staring down at the crap they have in front of them and thinking – huh!

By the way do let me know if you give this a try – well let me rephrase that! Do tell me if you try this at home because then I know I can blacklist you and block your rabid emails because you obviously must be insane or desperate to try this and either way you have to be very dangerous har ha.


  • Of course I can add one or two more facts about black Cat hair and so I will:
    Take black Cat hair (or fur hrrumph) from a black Cat without asking nicely and you will probably lose one of your thumbs you humans are so proud of.

  • Black Cat hair should be called Black Cat fur.

  • Humans will buy any old rubbish if they are told it will bring them luck.

  • Humans think that they are highly evolved.

  • Humans are probably the most gullible species on the planet and the only one which believes in a God I might add – but maybe I shouldn’t.

  • Some humans think that Sarah Palin cares about them and is electable.

  • As a Cat I think that it is really odd that these sorts of potions and magic thingy’s never include bits of humans because humans don’t seem to have any qualms when they lop of bits of animals to create their magic, or is it that everyone knows that this sort of nonsense is just that and so it is better to use a bit of Cat, Toad or Newt because they tend not to sue the magicians?


As you can see for yourself the ‘product’ if you can grace it with that description has a ‘small print’ caveat – which the maker of the label couldn’t be bothered to actually make small or I suppose didn’t actually have the right spell to hand to do the job for them – or maybe he/she did and it didn’t work. So here it is using the same odd combination of capital letters as the author does across the whole of the website –

“We make no claim for BLACK CAT HAIR, and sell as a Curio only.”

You can tell that this was rubbish was collected for sale in California can’t you – it is probably the worst place in the world to sell such a thing because it is probably the only place on the planet where disgruntled witches or warlocks would actually sue the supplier because the rubbish they bought didn’t work and be taken as seriously as they took the seller in the first place.


For those ultra curious the black Cat hair – oh I do wish the idiots would call it fur – retails at a mere $3.00 however the book of spells that explain what to do with the dreadful stuff is $14.95 you’d have to be mad to buy that rubbish when you can buy my book at Amazon.com or my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com wouldn’t you!


PS
The Disney movie ‘Tron Legacy’ may well be dreadful if you listen to the critics but do, if you get the chance, take in the soundtrack by Daftpunk. It is really very good indeed.

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Oct 202010
 

I don’t want to worry any of my readers, except the ones who haven’t bought my book yet but there is, I have heard, been a bit of a run on stocks of my wonderful book “Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary” recently and I have been told by my rather panicky and excitable publisher that there is a possibility that supplies of my wonderful and eminently readable book might be in short supply this Christmas – a little like a Disney Buzz Lightyear toy and all of the other must have toys of the past.

With this in mind my advice to anyone wanting to buy my book for themselves or as a wonderful gift for a loved one is to get at least one copy now – just think if you buy two or more you’ll probably be able to sell the others at a massive profit like the person at at Amazon.com who is currently charging double for his or her copy and they have probably read it – I call that a ‘result’ don’t you?

If they have run out at Amazon.com don’t forget you can always get a copy of my perfect book from my www.thecatsdiary.com.

It looks like this –

book-cover.jpg