Dec 282013
 

As the title says a lot of my readers are American! Here is a example of American English from San Francisco.

A sample of American English San Francisco

Should I be worried?


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

I would like to tell you all about something new and rather nice that you can get from the Apple iBooks store, no not ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book you have been able to get that for ages, no something else rather wonderful. You can get John Woodcock’s brilliantly illustrated book the first in the series called ‘The Trams of Prague’

This heavily illustrated books created especially for iPads, Pods and Phones called Tram No 6 is the Naughtiest of Trams and it looks amazing.

If you would like to get this exceptional book the easy way, just click on this link:
Trams of Prague – Tram No6 is the Naughtiest of Trams


Don’t forget dear cuddly readers one and all that my translator’s heavily illustrated book has just been made available at the iBookstore or iTunes – what was it with Steve Jobs and all of the ‘i’s’?

To get whizzed straight to the store whatever it’s called just click on the picture of the cover of that wonderful book below.

Trams of Prague ePub Cover 2 1 13 225x225 75

Dec 272013
 

A place to cuddle in France

I would be delighted to know just how to park my “hugging” and if anyone can tell me that would be perfect. However I really don’t need any photographs or illustrations thanks to assist the explanation because I have a feeling that they wouldn’t be all that appropriate.

Still the last line of the parking instructions really makes me want to visit Hôtel La Bonbonnière it’s a shame that the back entrance is a lot less attractive than the front though, but that must be something to do with all that parking referred to above!

Hôtel La Bonbonnière

Oh you don’t believe me! Ok here is the front!

Hôtel La Bonbonnière Front

Still, and you can take this from a Cat who knows, the location is very pretty and if you are ever in the Djon area of France and need a room for the night, with it has to be said ‘interesting’ parking arrangements then the Hôtel La Bonbonnière is the Hôtel for you, to say nothing of the hugging that you are in for of course!

Just look at the area, now I am sure that you will agree this is worth suffering a little garlic breathed hugging for isn’t it?

Vignes


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

I would like to tell you all about something new and rather nice that you can get from the Apple iBooks store, no not ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book you have been able to get that for ages, no something else rather wonderful. You can get John Woodcock’s brilliantly illustrated book the first in the series called ‘The Trams of Prague’

This heavily illustrated books created especially for iPads, Pods and Phones called Tram No 6 is the Naughtiest of Trams and it looks amazing.

If you would like to get this exceptional book the easy way, just click on this link:
Trams of Prague – Tram No6 is the Naughtiest of Trams


Don’t forget dear cuddly readers one and all that my translator’s heavily illustrated book has just been made available at the iBookstore or iTunes – what was it with Steve Jobs and all of the ‘i’s’?

To get whizzed straight to the store whatever it’s called just click on the picture of the cover of that wonderful book below.

Trams of Prague ePub Cover 2 1 13 225x225 75

Dec 062013
 

As a card carrying Cat, I have to say that I revel in the latest internet craze to sweep the www it’s ‘Dog Shamming’ of very naughty Dogs.

Mind you I wonder if sometimes the owners aren’t to blame here. Still that suspicion aside here is the latest very naughty Dog to be outed.

2

Bad smelly Doggie! But aren’t they all like that?


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

I would like to tell you all about something new and rather nice that you can get from the Apple iBooks store, no not ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book you have been able to get that for ages, no something else rather wonderful. You can get John Woodcock’s brilliantly illustrated book the first in the series called ‘The Trams of Prague’

This heavily illustrated books created especially for iPads, Pods and Phones called Tram No 6 is the Naughtiest of Trams and it looks amazing.

If you would like to get this exceptional book the easy way, just click on this link:
Trams of Prague – Tram No6 is the Naughtiest of Trams


Don’t forget dear cuddly readers one and all that my translator’s heavily illustrated book has just been made available at the iBookstore or iTunes – what was it with Steve Jobs and all of the ‘i’s’?

To get whizzed straight to the store whatever it’s called just click on the picture of the cover of that wonderful book below.

Trams of Prague ePub Cover 2 1 13 225x225 75

Sep 042012
 

Picture the scene, there is a post affair in front of you and hanging from it are some new, probably clean, Dog waste bags. Do you help yourself even though you might not have a Dog tugging at a leash in front of you?

You stand there experiencing something of a dilemma, do you help yourself to a few, would they make great freezer bags, would they make great hoover bags, could you keep your socks in them?

Now happily thanks to the Nantucket Conservation Foundation you have your answer.

Dog waste bags and the personal use conundrum solved

My only worry in all of this is that it is possible, when you reread the sign, that the Nantucket Conservation Foundation might think that you are considering using their Dog waste bags for a very personal use! Ugh!


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Dec 092011
 

Bentley the Border Collie is probably the saddest Dog in Britain, if not the world.

He has had a trying and very difficult life bless him and it has left him scared of Cats, afraid of the dark, suffering from monophobia, the fear of being alone, he has very sore paws because he suffers from such bad anxiety attacks that he bites his nails in fact he has to wear mittens on his feet to stop him making them worse but worst of all poor Bentley the Border Collie (aged six) desperately needs a new home and we all know that is going to be his biggest challenge because getting a new home is hard enough, but when you are in desperate need of masses of love, companionship and reassurance you might be considered a bit ‘difficult.’

Bentley the Border Collie isn’t difficult in any way though, the main cause of all of his ails is anxiety which started soon after his first human’s death and it didn’t help that his second human was unable to cope with his constant need for reassurance, cuddles and company.

Bently

Bentley the Border Collie tends to cower away from Cats, even when they are only on the TV, which suggests that he is not really as cowardly as most humans think and is actually showing a lot of intelligence! Cats are always up for a bit of ‘Boxing’ with a Dog no matter how big they are (the Dogs that is)and Dogs almost always come off worse, but that is only one on one or “Cato a Dogo” as they say in um… err… somewhere ‘Latin!’

Dogs have a tendency for wandering around in packs and a pack of Dogs is a bit of a pawful for any Cat,all of which means it’s a good job we can climb or so this Cat the Cat who writes blogs thinks, but I am veering away from the star of my blog today Bentley the Border Collie.

Unfortunately if the doorbell rings Bentley the Border Collie goes into orbit, yes you guessed it this distressed Doggie is frightened of not only the doorbell but what might also be outside in the dark.

Not all is doom and gloom for Bentley the Border Collie the lady who manages the Dog’s Home where he is currently spending his days, at night he is taken home by one of the carers who at first felt sorry for him and now just enjoys his company, and that is because this blue bow wow’s behaviour changes completely when he is surrounded by humans and happily he loses all his little ways, problems and insecurities.

Bently 2

All Bentley the Border Collie is a bit of love and company a home where at least one person is home for the
most of the day and night. Bentley loves human company both adults and children and when with them will happily play, fetch the usual stuff that fits in a mouth and then snuggle down and curl up on a conveniently situated lap after a long walk.

Bentley the Border Collie just needs is a second chance really he has had a difficult time so far in his short life and needs to forget the trauma of losing a loved one when he was young and enjoy the rest of his life being just a normal Dog let’s hope that this Christmas Bentley the Border Collie finds a home along with all of the other animals who are in shelters.

Xmas Holly.png

As it was such a success I have brought back my little Christmas Quiz

Unfortunately the people who won last time can’t enter this time!

Question: Where can you buy copies of my wonderful books?

Answer: Here!

Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary

Paperback edition of Getting Out at Amazon.com

Kindle edition of Getting Out at Amazon.com

The Cat’s Travelogue

Paperback edition of

The Cat’s Travelogue

Kindle edition of The Cat’s Travelogue

All correct answers (written on a postcard) and sent to me at my email address will get a really big prize – no not a Motor Yacht that’s what I want. Mmh it still doesn’t seem as though I have got the quiz format quite right yet! I may try again next week which of course means there will be more prizes up for grabs so do visit my blog again soon. Did I ever tell you I like having you here!

About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Sep 222011
 

The Summer is coming to an end, but here we in Europe and I understand the UK are having what is known in some circles as an ‘Indian Summer’ I don’t know why it is called that or indeed if a hot dry spell in the Autumn is called an ‘Indian Summer’ in India for that matter.

I expect the Indians have a different name for a brief sunny period at the end of their Summer mainly because I have a feeling that the English overlords in the time of the Raj would have used the phrase and these days it would seem that anything English in India is a little frowned upon – apart from the use of the English language of course, the Indians, bless them, think that they speak marvellous English – oh dear if only they knew the truth!

I’ll give you a real life example when Andy from Bedford comes on the phone in the early evening when you are tying to stop the Dog eating the children’s supper and encouraging the youngest to actually do what the Dog wants to do, while answering the door to another batch of Jehovah’s Witnesses and keeping the Cat off the kitchen work surfaces, Andy from ‘Bedford’ calls from his New Delhi call centre pretending to be only 40 miles up the road.

Now this pretence is not only doomed to failure because of his pronunciation of the English language it is made worse by the sound quality of the ‘Skype’ like phone system he is calling on and of course the mayhem going on all around the family home, and made even worse by the fact that Andy from Bedford wants to “confirm that you are Miecester. Woodcock,” even though you have a woman’s voice (because you are Mr. Woodcock’s far better half and he is late again with his supper heading towards the Dog’s bowl with ever passing quarter of an hour).

Andy from Bedford ignores any attempt to shut him up including sarcasm and eventually swearing and keeps asking you “to confirm your phone number,” which you would never in a million years give out to some odd sounding heavily accented stranger on the phone.

Reading from his script Andy from Bedford blithely continues “I just want to take a coupole minutes of your very valuable time to discuss.”

You eventually tell Andy from Bedford to FO, slam the phone down and then get ready for his retribution, twenty calls spread over the next hour.

Opps I seem to have veered right off the point of this little blog which is this; Summer is coming to an end but it is still nice and warm, in England we call that an Indian Summer but I expect the Indians don’t because they wouldn’t like to be reminded of the English except to sell them broadband, financial planning or insurance on the phone.

Now that I am back on track I can finish by saying I thought the sign below reminded me of a trip to Clearwater Beach in Florida where the Seagulls are so aggressive that they not only steal your food they shower it back at you when they have digested it. Sorry about the wait for the punchline.

Damn Seagulls

Jun 132011
 

It isn’t often, especially in the middle of a Middle East Spring when you can pat the Saudi Arabian authorities on the back and say “job well done.”

But you have to give credit where credit is due and as this sign shows the Saudi Arabian government has decided to outlaw ‘barking.’ In this Cat’s humble opinion (yes the humble bit was a joke) the outlawing of barking hasn’t come too soon. Barking is a dreadful noisy habit and should be outlawed – maybe next the Saudi’s will go further and outlaw Dogs as well after all they have some pretty daft laws don’t they?

No Barking Saudi Arabia

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Mar 252011
 

Because of the number of stray Cats in the City of Bremen local officials have taken drastic action and decided to neuter all the cities 400+ stray cats.

Only Cats who are proved to be strays will be neutered. The definition of a stray Cat being used, quite rightly in this Cat’s opinion, is a Cat who is not either microchipped or has a tattoo – both of which obviously allow lost Cats to be reunited with their human families.

It is hoped that this innovative measure will reduce the number of stray Cats in the city meaning that horrific and usually fatal diseases that domestic Cats can catch from feral Cats will be much reduced and The Cat believes that is a very good thing.

A by-product of the measure will be that the wild bird population may increase and although it would be inappropriate for The Cat to comment on this directly I did allow myself a little ‘tee hee’ at the news.

So well done to the Germans they are going to create a safe, humane and managed approach to feral Cats which allows them to live out their lives the way they want to and not be put down out of hand because of course a feral Cat who is enclosed is like an animal in the Zoo something sad to watch.

Let’s hope that more countries adopt this policy; but most importantly humans who have a Cat in the family should ensure that the Cat is microchipped, and of course the same applies to Dogs, this Cat believes that there is nothing worse than losing a family member who can’t tell others his or her home address if he or she is found by the authorities.

Stray Cats

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Jan 262011
 

As the title says it isn’t of ten that I revisit a subject – unless of course the over indulgent actions of a particular royal family – but that aside I had to show you all this picture from the race that I mentioned yesterday.

Another ‘friend’ who was at the event sent me the picture below and from it you can see just how dreadfully daft sled Dogs really are.

Just look at the chap in this picture he is looking forward to a grueling 1000 km or 620 mile race over 11 days and does he seem in awe of the prospect, of course he doesn’t there is no intelligent thought going on behind his eyes what so ever except he is probably thinking ‘mmh these booties are tight – I wish I was wearing blue ones!’

Total lack of Inteligence.png

You know I am so glad that I’m a Cat!

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Jan 242011
 

Recently a ‘friend’ sent me this picture of some sled Dogs taking part in the ‘La Grande Odyssee’ which is an 11 day Dog sled race for six Dogs and one human which takes place across the French and Swiss Alps.

The humans get to dress normally for the cold while it appears that the Dogs have to endure a fashion handicap ‘bow wow booties.’

As you can can see from this picture taken high up in the French Alps at the start of the event these sled Dogs are really not very happy, now I am guessing but that might have to do with the fact that they are tied together and the back four are already complaining about the front two Dog’s… err, how can I put this ‘exhaust;’and of course the fact that the clown pulling at number two didn’t check the dress code with the other five.

Dogs in Boots.png

His excuse was apparently “I’m the head Dog and I have to have blue booties to show my rank!” One observer said that she thought the Dog pulling at number two look rather pleased with himself maybe he just feels that blue is ‘his’ colour.

About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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