Jan 312012
 

I should imagine by now that everyone in the world knows that I am a very famous Feline author of several bestselling (thankfully) books, the first ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ sold more copies than the Bible (when translated in to Inuit) and the second ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ is currently outselling the English language version of Steve Job’s biography in Uzbekistan to say nothing of the latest book from Newt Gingrich ‘Newt’s Tips On A Successful Marriage’ which concentrates on being faithful and has a foreword by prince Charles.

Unfortunately as yet neither of my masterpieces of Feline Literature have eclipsed sales of prince Andrew the Duke of York’s latest book ‘Dictators, Autocrats and Paedophiles I Know and Respect’ but then I suppose everyone wants to read a book written by the world’s most famous frequent flyer and discover how they could get so many free trips by displaying pure ignorance and a total lack of judgement. Just a thought I wonder if he will go back to Turkey where there is an outstanding arrest warrant for her ferginess the duchess of York?

And so on to my lovely picture today which I saw while researching my latest unputdownable book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue,’ look Newt and Andrew here is somewhere that will welcome you with open arms, just pop down to the Faith Baptist Church and as the sign says “you will fit right in!”

Is Yours A Dysfunctional Family If So Join The Baptist Church

Just recently and for no reason really, except the website address is on the sign, I went onto the website for the Faith Baptist Church in New Brunswick, Canada and I promise you it was everything I hoped it would be from the ‘Donut Club’ to the desperately cheesy pictures of the happy families who “join us on Sunday.”

Sadly although I spent quite a long time on the website – ok three minutes but I promise you that was all I could bear I am only human oops ‘feline – I didn’t see a single family who looked ‘dysfunctional’ in any way whatsoever although one of the teenagers hanging from a tree looked more than a little strange.

Still I am sure that the sugar fuelled members of the Donut Club, which to quote the Faith Baptist Church’s professional copywriter exactly “The Donut Club is our mid-week children’s program for kids kindergarten through grade 5. Every week they enjoy music, games, a Bible lesson and a special visit from Duncan the Donut. Donut Club meets every Tuesday from 6:30-7:45pm,” will probably carry out sugar induced rampages at some point in time and if you wonder why just as yourself how many Donuts can a kid eat in an hour and fifteen minutes? The answer is an awful lot!

So the only really ‘dysfunctional’ thing about the Faith Baptist Church is their billboard, just look closely at the website and you won’t see any dysfunctional people, not even Duncan the Donut, which is a shame because they tend to be my favourites!


About the Author – The Cat who writes blogs!

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Jul 272010
 

Two of the largest women in the media tie the knot.

Last week it was announced that the large but lovely Queen of the American media and tv channel owner Oprah Winfrey was going to employ the ex-duchess of somewhere small in England – the tired and emotional Sarah Ferguson in an attempt to try and straighten her life out and stop her from trying to obtain money by deception using false pretences.

This Cat’s message to the big but beautiful Oprah is “stop, don’t do it, she’ll’ drag you down with her.”
Why, because the regally awful Sarah Ferguson will probably suck a Texan’s toes on tv or offer the ‘services’ of her husband on her live chat show which the gigantic but gorgeous Oprah is granting her.

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This dreadful ginger haired Brit (pictured above while too drunk to complain about the photographer taking a candid snap or two of her about to pollute the upholstery of a nice motor) has got to be stopped and not encouraged, she really should be serving time in a jail for her latest drunken caper and not returning to her champagne lifestyle courtesy of the very well meaning Queen of tv.

Here is a picture of the happy couple recently don’t they look nice? But will it last?

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Sadly this Cat is very worried for the dumpy divine Oprah, she shouldn’t trust a drunken ex-duchess because just as with her last adventure into a relationship the dreadful ginger ex-duchess will let the side down and poor Oprah will be left with mop in hand to clean up the mess, just as the long suffering poor sad duke of York does even to this day – appointments to meet him and further your business interests can probably still be arranged by Sarah Ferguson for a ‘consideration’ of half a million big ones – well she won’t start her new tv show until next year and a girl has to keep the champagne flowing and the private jets in the air doesn’t she and party while making loyal employees of several years redundant with the minimum compensation.

This Cat wonders if the result of the marriage between the dreadful duchess and the Queen of tv will end in tears? The happy event below did in the most uncomfortable way for all concerned and no one at the time was predicting that, but that was only because it was before this Cat got a blog which though of course is mainly used to promote my wonderful book available here Amazon.com is also used to expose the excesses of what is known in England as the ‘royal’ family, ‘royal’ can of course mean ‘significant’ like ‘royal’ mess of course!

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Oprah do think again before you sign anything with ginger, she couldn’t even tell you where she will be living next year, let alone if she will be sober, best thing you can do if you want to help the ex-duchess is to find her a flat with the rent controlled, get her a job at JC Penny selling makeup or sparkly things and see if she can make a go of things for six months until your tv network is live, if the dreadful drunk duchess can then by all means throw the dog a bone so to speak, but she should have to prove herself first shouldn’t she.

Of course this Cat is available as a chat show host if the tipsy ex-duchess should be (err how can I put this) ‘indisposed’ and unable to host the show because she is suffering from slurred speech and double vision!

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May 272010
 

First of all here is a short statement from The Cat Corp., which was prepared earlier.

The Cat and his agents would like take this opportunity to state that any rumours that The Cat or The Cat Corp., has been in negotiations with Sarah F aka the Duchess of York to turn Buckingham Palace into an amusement attraction are totally false.

The Cat nor any of his representatives have had any contact with Sarah F aka The Duchess of York what so ever, indeed The Cat and his representatives would like to go further and state categorically that they have no interest in turning any ‘royal’ buildings, estates, palaces or second estates and palaces into amusement parks until the current sitting tenants have been evicted, which judging by the way that most of the ‘royals’ are conducting themselves won’t be long.

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So what is the reason for the announcement above well the prematurely wrinkled Sarah F aka The Duchess of York really has gone and done it now hasn’t she?

Sarah F who also uses the alias The Duchess of York has been caught red handed trying to extract 500,000 very big ones – we are talking pounds and not dollars and they are still worth more – out of a ‘Middle Eastern businessman.’

The dumpy Sarah F aka The Duchess of York promised this Indian businessman that she could arrange an introduction to her fat ex, who is known to the authorities as the Duke of York for 500,000 big ones. Once the introduction had been made the Indian businessman would then be able to reap the benefit of knowing a low person in a high placed position of trust. Some years ago the British Government who were at their wits end trying to find more things to do with all of the surplus ‘royals’ appointed him as a International Trade Ambassador.

Since then the chubby Duke has done very well doing all sorts of private deals with shadowy ex-soviets, he even managed to off load his house to one for nearly ten times what it was worth even though it had been up for sale for years before that deal.

The full figured Duke did very well especially as the ranch style bungalow was built and paid for by the Queen as a wedding present.

The problem with the deal that Sarah F aka the Duchess of York arranged with the Middle Eastern was that the Indian businessman was an undercover journalist and after a couple of meetings and the exchanging of 40,000 in sterling poor old, she doesn’t seem to have worn well, Duchess of York was filmed saying out loud in her awful thunderous voice that she could do the deal for cash etc.

I am pretty sure the sooner that bunch are shown the door the better.

As you know this Cat doesn’t really care for the English ‘royals’ and as they don’t keep Cats and seem devoted to shooting any furry animal that doesn’t bark I have a feeling they don’t care for me either but I had to admire the dreadful Duchess’s gall when she said to the Indian businessman.

“Do you understand that I absolutely have not a pot to piss in?” Then a bit later. “I left the royal family with friendship, no money. Diana left with 20 million. And that’s why the Queen is my friend because I never took a bean from them.”

Thanks to The Times of London for the quote above.

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