Tag Archives: Duke of York

How To Live With A Pig

Now that headline got you reading, didn’t it? Well let’s face it that’s what headlines are for.

I wanted to draw your attention to a very good pal of mine Marcie who actually does live with a Pig called Andrew (named after the Duke of York obviously and bearing a remarkable resemblance to his namesake) to be more precise is a piglet, but that is because he has never grown up – what a coincidence that his humans named him Andrew after a fat useless twerp who didn’t grow up either.

Poor Marcie has to put up with all sorts of indignities and displays of err… pigishness but she has come to learn to live with most of Andy’s antics and happily Andy likes to travel a lot and that means that Marcie has the run of the place when he is away.

But when he comes back all hell breaks loose, as you can see below, when there is just the hint of a rumour that there might be a full trough for him outside to sink is little piggy snout into he is up and away, occasionally this bolt for the outside sometimes coincides with Marcie going out of her Cat flap.

I Said One Of Has To Lose Some Weight

After this picture was taken Marcie said to Andy – “One of us has to lose some weight!” being regally thick as usual Andy said “I’ll help you do that old girl!”

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English Cross Channel Attempt Ends Prematurely

Lionel the talented (some say, and some say showoff) ‘swimming Cat’ has prematurely called off his attempt to become the first Cat to swim the English Channel after just beginning his first training session in the Summerfields pool and café Hastings Sussex.

In a specially arranged training session, squeezed in between the under 10’s Cygnet Club’s and the over 60’s water aerobics, Lionel – the talented swimming Cat – had his first taste of a body of water bigger than his water dish and realised that he should apply his “enormous” talents to elsewhere.

It is not known as yet whether Lionel will be keeping his byline – ‘the talented swimming Cat’ although it does sound likely.

English Channel Attempt

If any organisation needs a special envoy or ambassador who has a marvellous opinion of himself that totally outstrips his abilities then do contact Lionel through this blog or directly to The Cat and we will pass on your details.

Obviously we have already been contacted by the ridiculous duke of York’s ’employer’ the UKTrade and Investment (UKTI) about an unpaid ambassador’s position. While being unpaid the expenses are pretty good and equate to around 4 million UK pounds a year, with obvious benefits such as first class travel, top quality hotels and the rest.

When contacted a senior government spin doctor said that “the only qualifications you have to have are to be arrogant, have a delusional belief in your own abilities and intelligence, a great sense of humour and know what’s best for British companies even if they don’t know. And of course if you have a German family background that wouldn’t hurt,” but quickly added that Lionel should “get in quick” because the PM, DC has been changing his mind a lot recently and the opening might close soon – “who knows.” He sighed.

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Just A Dog And His Master

Sometimes you hear of a story that touches you, not because it is anything grand, global or sadly particularly newsworthy in these days of 30 second news briefings, newspapers that have more naked flesh and gossip than hard news and you – yes that’s right you readers and viewers with short attention spans and shorter memories.

In your defence it is not your fault, now more than ever we are told that we have the largest amount of news (most of which is puerile gossip of course) and other information being pumped out at us from what surely is the largest collection of incontinent gossips in history – everyone is at it aren’t they? From the Huffington Post to the most lowly Cat blogger and it seems as though there is no escape from the news flow.

So unashamedly this Cat offers you a simple story of companionship, love, duty and something so much more, from two of the most admirable souls he has heard of in a long time and who like the war that they fought in will be forgotten.

It might not be forgotten today but too it will be all too soon. While people like the princely awful duke of York consorts with child sex offenders, Libyan gangsters and Kazakh fraudsters hoping first to sell his house for millions above the asking price and then to pay off his ex-wife’s debts while his elder brother talks to plants and makes vain attempts to coerce the British government into making policy the British people don’t want.

So enough of fops and fools for one moment, what I am about to tell you are just the facts, there is no embroidery, no fact-ion and that’s because I believe that this pair of heros need no gilding just remembering – so please remember them!

Lance Corporal Liam Tasker, and his Dog Theo worked in the British Army. Lance Corporal Liam Tasker was 26 and Theo just 22 months old, probably their youth helped them not only create a strong friendship but also gave them the ability to work tireless saving the lives of countless British soldiers and Afghans in the latest war that the British government can’t afford to participate in.

This dedicated pair of youngsters uncovered 14 home-made bombs and enormous quantities of weapons in just five months – a record for a dog and his handler.

Theo and His Master

They had trained together for most of Theo’s short adult life and it was said of Lance Corporal Liam Tasker that his Dog handling skills were exemplary, as they trained the pair formed an inseparable bond, which was probably why they were such a successful team, it was Theo’s very dangerous job to be the ‘front man,’ where he would sniff out any hidden IEDs, weapons and bomb-making equipment.

Recently they took part in a mission in the Nahr-e Saraj district in Helmand, a hotbed of the insurgency and one of the most dangerous places in the war at the moment.

After a firefight broke out with the Taliban and L/Cpl Tasker was shot dead. Later though uninjured sadly Lance Corporal Liam Tasker beloved Dog Theo had a seizure and died of what is believed to be a broken heart.

This humble Cat would like to thank the brave souls of the Armed Forces for taking risks with their lives, which means that he doesn’t have to.

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Sarah F Is At It Again

First of all here is a short statement from The Cat Corp., which was prepared earlier.

The Cat and his agents would like take this opportunity to state that any rumours that The Cat or The Cat Corp., has been in negotiations with Sarah F aka the Duchess of York to turn Buckingham Palace into an amusement attraction are totally false.

The Cat nor any of his representatives have had any contact with Sarah F aka The Duchess of York what so ever, indeed The Cat and his representatives would like to go further and state categorically that they have no interest in turning any ‘royal’ buildings, estates, palaces or second estates and palaces into amusement parks until the current sitting tenants have been evicted, which judging by the way that most of the ‘royals’ are conducting themselves won’t be long.

DoY.jpg

So what is the reason for the announcement above well the prematurely wrinkled Sarah F aka The Duchess of York really has gone and done it now hasn’t she?

Sarah F who also uses the alias The Duchess of York has been caught red handed trying to extract 500,000 very big ones – we are talking pounds and not dollars and they are still worth more – out of a ‘Middle Eastern businessman.’

The dumpy Sarah F aka The Duchess of York promised this Indian businessman that she could arrange an introduction to her fat ex, who is known to the authorities as the Duke of York for 500,000 big ones. Once the introduction had been made the Indian businessman would then be able to reap the benefit of knowing a low person in a high placed position of trust. Some years ago the British Government who were at their wits end trying to find more things to do with all of the surplus ‘royals’ appointed him as a International Trade Ambassador.

Since then the chubby Duke has done very well doing all sorts of private deals with shadowy ex-soviets, he even managed to off load his house to one for nearly ten times what it was worth even though it had been up for sale for years before that deal.

The full figured Duke did very well especially as the ranch style bungalow was built and paid for by the Queen as a wedding present.

The problem with the deal that Sarah F aka the Duchess of York arranged with the Middle Eastern was that the Indian businessman was an undercover journalist and after a couple of meetings and the exchanging of 40,000 in sterling poor old, she doesn’t seem to have worn well, Duchess of York was filmed saying out loud in her awful thunderous voice that she could do the deal for cash etc.

I am pretty sure the sooner that bunch are shown the door the better.

As you know this Cat doesn’t really care for the English ‘royals’ and as they don’t keep Cats and seem devoted to shooting any furry animal that doesn’t bark I have a feeling they don’t care for me either but I had to admire the dreadful Duchess’s gall when she said to the Indian businessman.

“Do you understand that I absolutely have not a pot to piss in?” Then a bit later. “I left the royal family with friendship, no money. Diana left with 20 million. And that’s why the Queen is my friend because I never took a bean from them.”

Thanks to The Times of London for the quote above.

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Wonderful Royal News!

The Recovering Duke of York.jpg

Doctors report that today the recovering Duke of York was able to practice using a pair of scissors for almost half an hour.

“Few inside royal circles know about the troubles that the brave and very chubby Duke has endured recently,” said a Royal watcher who asked for anonymity just in case their friendship was every exposed.

Sadly it is the case that over the last few year the recovering Duke of York has bravely battled crippling near-bankruptcy but now with the help of his rich friends in oily Azerbaijan he is slowly recovering.

Today’s use of scissors has been described as a “landmark” and it is hoped that one day soon the recovering Duke of York will be able to earn an honest crust and pay his own bills.

However a Doctor treating the Duke said that day was a long way off and the plucky roly poly Duke may never be able to support himself financially because of his love of expensive things that he just can’t afford to buy.

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