Feb 172012
 

The English countryside is a wonderful scenic place crammed full of open skies that kiss the horizon, fields, hedgerows, wildlife, odd villages with odder villagers inhabiting them (I may have mentioned the ale-swillers Fred, Ned and Ted before so I won’t now) all of which makes the English countryside somewhere that you either adore or loathe.

Here is a perfect example of why people from the towns have a problem with people from the countryside – they are often a little odd, as this sign demonstrates perfectly.

What Have Sheep Got Against Trees

If you loathe the English countryside you are probably a townie and there is nothing wrong with being one of those unless it would seem you are personally involved in planning the route of the second High Speed train which I understand is called HS2, because you old chap must really hate the countryside and should never have been giving the power to destroy such large chunks of it.

Which brings me to this sign one created especially for the head of planning for the HS2 and of course Davis Cameron the Prime Minister of the towns of England it must be difficult for them to understand that people don’t like their little idea in the countryside!

Bad HS2

So why is the sign above hard for townies, and the other fools mentioned, to understand well it’s simple really! They probably want to get from one dirty, smelly overcrowded dump to another as fast as possible, oh I’m sorry I mean from Birmingham to London or indeed the other way around and in doing so they need to carve up a very large and rather wide chunk of what I think we will call “the next two pictures.”

The first picture below, is of a bit of reasonably unspoilt English countryside that hasn’t been touched since the royal family and after them parliament thought of something called the ‘inclosures act’ or ‘enclosures act’ would be a bit of a wheeze and keep the hoi polloi of their land.

After

The second picture is of the same countryside (well nearly) after it has been turned into a high speed railway line no wonder the country folk in England believe that the townies don’t like them and their countryside!

After2

One last little bit of stirring oops sorry I mean information that David Cameron and the rest of the tarmac brigade might like to bear in mind is the definition of ‘Hoi polloi’ today it might mean the rabble, the dregs etc., but in accent Greece where the word comes from it means ‘the many’ or rather deliciously the ‘majority’ now that surely is something that any politician worth his salt might like to bear in mind – even maybe David Cameron!

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Oct 042011
 

To my surprise and delight my web design Kittens have become rather popular among my dear cuddly readers and quite a few have added extra fan mail to the usual (and welcome fan mail) they send me by sending fan mail to my cute web design Kittens.

Quite a few of the fan letters asked for a picture of my web design Kittens and so so here it is.

Web Design Kittens

In answer to the person who wrote from Des Moines, the one from Bangalore and indeed the one from Didsbury, England the answer is a firm no.

Regarding the request from the man in Fife Scotland, you should be ashamed of yourself! How could my web design Kittens write a book? I ask you! That’s what I do! If you want a masterpiece of feline literature then read either Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary or The Cat’s Travelogue which you can get from either my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com or from Amazon.com.

To make it easier for you just click these pictures and you will be whisked straight to my wonderful book of your choice on Amazon – there who says I don’t look after my cuddly readers.

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Sep 222011
 

The Summer is coming to an end, but here we in Europe and I understand the UK are having what is known in some circles as an ‘Indian Summer’ I don’t know why it is called that or indeed if a hot dry spell in the Autumn is called an ‘Indian Summer’ in India for that matter.

I expect the Indians have a different name for a brief sunny period at the end of their Summer mainly because I have a feeling that the English overlords in the time of the Raj would have used the phrase and these days it would seem that anything English in India is a little frowned upon – apart from the use of the English language of course, the Indians, bless them, think that they speak marvellous English – oh dear if only they knew the truth!

I’ll give you a real life example when Andy from Bedford comes on the phone in the early evening when you are tying to stop the Dog eating the children’s supper and encouraging the youngest to actually do what the Dog wants to do, while answering the door to another batch of Jehovah’s Witnesses and keeping the Cat off the kitchen work surfaces, Andy from ‘Bedford’ calls from his New Delhi call centre pretending to be only 40 miles up the road.

Now this pretence is not only doomed to failure because of his pronunciation of the English language it is made worse by the sound quality of the ‘Skype’ like phone system he is calling on and of course the mayhem going on all around the family home, and made even worse by the fact that Andy from Bedford wants to “confirm that you are Miecester. Woodcock,” even though you have a woman’s voice (because you are Mr. Woodcock’s far better half and he is late again with his supper heading towards the Dog’s bowl with ever passing quarter of an hour).

Andy from Bedford ignores any attempt to shut him up including sarcasm and eventually swearing and keeps asking you “to confirm your phone number,” which you would never in a million years give out to some odd sounding heavily accented stranger on the phone.

Reading from his script Andy from Bedford blithely continues “I just want to take a coupole minutes of your very valuable time to discuss.”

You eventually tell Andy from Bedford to FO, slam the phone down and then get ready for his retribution, twenty calls spread over the next hour.

Opps I seem to have veered right off the point of this little blog which is this; Summer is coming to an end but it is still nice and warm, in England we call that an Indian Summer but I expect the Indians don’t because they wouldn’t like to be reminded of the English except to sell them broadband, financial planning or insurance on the phone.

Now that I am back on track I can finish by saying I thought the sign below reminded me of a trip to Clearwater Beach in Florida where the Seagulls are so aggressive that they not only steal your food they shower it back at you when they have digested it. Sorry about the wait for the punchline.

Damn Seagulls

Aug 222011
 

Now please don’t accuse me of being dramatic or worse paranoid but when you see a sign in England that says ‘Cat’s Eyes Removed’ on the road and it’s been placed opposite a building belonging to The Blue Cross (a UK Veterinary Charity) then you have to wonder what might be going on?

Cat s Eyes Removed
As a member of an elite and highly regarded species I have to ask the question, why would a Veterinary Charity be advertising for Cat’s Eyes? And what are they going to do with them, and gulp so much worse, did they get any?

If you know the answer to the questions above and would like to get them off your chest do drop me a line here at the www.blog.thecatsdiary.com we won’t judge you, too much, and all of us here at my blog and my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com are a hell of a lot less righteous and less pompous than the people at Wikileaks.

About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Aug 122011
 

Not so long ago I was scuffing through the lanes of England doing a bit of research form my new book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ which is going to be just as wonderful as my last book ‘Getting Out Excerpts From A Cat’s Diary’ which I am happy to say is still in print and can be bought for a snip at Amazon.com or my www.thecatsdiary.com and I saw this sign.

I don’t know about you I slow down for Monkeys, I hope you do too I think we all should.

Slow Down For Monkeys

About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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May 162011
 

You know the area around Romney and Hythe in Kent, England has a lot of exciting things to see if you are thinking of a family holiday in the UK because the government have taken all of your money and you can’t afford to go somewhere really nice like err… Spain or where the bankers and the politicians who created your newly found poverty go… the Caribbean.

Still Romney and Hythe has some interesting sights, scenes and sounds for all the family.

First of all there is the Royal Military Canal a long flat waterway built for use during the Napoleonic Wars once captured by the french it would have proved invaluable for transporting men and supplies and creating a much wider bridgehead very rapidly. The canal lies flat in some of the prettiest countryside the flat lands of Romney Marsh so it is best seen from bridges.

Romney Marsh Military Canal

The Romney, Hythe and Dymchurch Light Railway which is the world’s smallest public railway is a child’s dream and starts near Hythe town centre and runs fourteen miles across the Romney Marsh to the shingle headland of Dungeness.

Romney Hythe Railway

Dungeness is home to two interesting landmarks the first is a near derelict lighthouse where unsupervised children can climb out onto a ledge hundreds of feet above the ground and lean over a rickety Victorian railing.

From so far up they can see the coast of France a few miles away, the beautiful Romney Marshes on their left and the enormous Dungeness Nuclear Power Station to their right.

Dungeness Power Station and Lighthouse

The nuclear power station is also of interest to the casual visitor not only because of its location on the coastline but also because it bears a striking resemblance to the Fukushima Daiichi Power Station in Japan. In fact they share the same nuclear reactors though of course currently the Dungeness ones are not in meltdown.

Four miles way lies the hamlet of Port Lympne which has nearby the internationally renowned Port Lympne Wild Animal Park.

If after one or two days holidaying in this area and you do get bored why don’t you pass the time by looking at some of the signs around, like this one and try and work out why the obviously needs to be stated so dramatically?

Romney and Hythe Council s Little Understatement

Oh by the way don’t whatever you do go into the sea at Dungeness or along most of the coastline, the beach drops away dramatically underfoot and so in some places if you take three or four strides into the sea the next one will mean you are completely and utterly out of your depth. To make matters worse usually the sea is rough which means if you are not a confident swimmer you will be in trouble.

Some say that the Kent coastline is polluted and with radioactivity from the Nuclear Power station and the local Water Company’s rather inefficient treatment of wastewater, which at times of great ‘demand’ means that raw sewerage is pumped into the sea so it might be an idea to avoid the coast completely.

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Mar 282011
 

As you may or may not be aware the British royal family is about to have a wedding, the marriage of St Diana the peoples princess’s son to someone or the other. The hope is that this time a royal marriage might be less disastrous than most of the family’s recent weddings which have not lasted long, caused enormous scandals, and even worried MI5 the British secret service and it is possible the happy couple have been more or less married in common law since they shacked up together at university.

So to celebrate ‘the occasion’ as some would call it, the merchandising department of Buckingham palace has been busy giving the regal nod, for a ‘consideration’ to all sorts of tat that is in the shops now, including some sort of dreadful game from the bride’s family who are as eager as the groom’s family to cash in on their daughter’s good fortune, as they probably see it.

Obviously with every merchandising ‘event’ from Disney Movies to well err Pixar movies the quality of the merchandising has to be monitored carefully by the rights holder so that the ‘right’ impression of the event and the status of those involved is forever carved in plastic.

The merchandising mangers in Buckingham Palace have been careful to ensure that the image of the ‘happy couple’ and their royal relations is one that creates the right impression and so they have only licensed “appropriate” merchandising.

Here for your delight, if you really adore rubbish, is a selection of the royal wedding merchandising that seems to have slipped through the net and not been given the royal seal of approval, which is odd because the selection beautiful sums up the regally happy couple, the family into which the bride is marrying and indeed the ‘entiresome’ event.

Let me explain the word ‘entiresome’ it’s a newly invented word (I invented it for this article in fact) and it’s used to explain, in one word, something that’s not only ‘entirely’ ‘tiresome’ but also everything that is to do with it is as well.

So here for your pleasure are just a few merchandising items that I think beautifully sum up the happy event with a commentary where ‘unnecessary’ tee hee!

If you are like me the first example of royal wedding tat is something you really couldn’t do without.

Sick

I am sure that you will agree with me I can’t understand why these uncannily lifelike moulded plastic replicas of the royal family and the happy couple weren’t approved by Buckingham Palace! It’s sad that a lot of Chinese workers hard work has it would seem gone to waste, still i believe there is one scrap of silver in the lining of the story and that is that the models are recyclable.

Lifelike

It is a mystery to me why these excellent single cup tea bags haven’t seen the royal nod, the images look, let’s face it, very much like the royal subjects especially wills and tea is the national drink of the UK.

Bags

Just look at the craftsmanship that went into producing the salt cellar below and then think about the poor souls who slaved away for little or no wages to help celebrate the happy occasion, I feel for these people when I think their exquisite commemorative condiments were not on the offical list of rubbish that is being sold to help everyone celebrate this ‘momentous’ occasion.

I have to say I am using the word ‘momentous’ in an entirely new what here because I hope that when used in the same sentences as the words ‘royal wedding’ it will come to mean something that is forgotten in a moment.

Idiot Salt

Last but not least The Cat and his friends have produced their very own tribute to the happily royal couple ladies and gentlemen we give you dave the Cat and Crown! Dave the Cat as always is elegant, tasteful and regal in a bobble hat.

Dave the Cat and Crown

If you would like to purchase a copy of Dave the Cat’s commemorative picture you can do so reply to this blog or write to me The Cat at thecat@thecatsdiary.com for details. If you have bought or want to buy any of the official or unofficial tat that is on sale to commemorate this happy occasion do let me The Cat know and I will arrange for someone to visit you and provide counselling.

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Mar 262011
 

Nature sometimes is odd and always unpredictable and just to prove that I give you Bette a Cat with a big heart, a big heart on her side!

Bette or to give her her fully name “Bette Davis” (we are going to have to talk about the names you humans give Cats at some time in the very near future aren’t we?) has one of the most unusual fur markings on her side that is literally heart shaped.

But Bette is more than just your average Moggy with an odd shaped birthmark that she will happily show you even when not asked, Bette needs a home. Can you believe that a Cat who embodies love was just dumped at a Cat shelter in February? I don’t like to think that humans do that to their Cats of course, but sadly it doesn’t stop it happening does it?

After nearly a month of kinder care Bette is getting back to her old self, she is no longer emaciated and of course her coat is no longer dirty and dishevelled and her heart is positively glowing.

Bette The Cat With Heart

Like all Cats who have been deserted by their human families Bette needs a home, currently she lives at the Gables Farm Dogs’ and Cats’ Home in Plymouth, Devon, England and if you want to adopt her then of course you will have to live close by especially because the staff there will want to see Bette often because she is so very popular.

On the other paw if you want a Cat do adopt one because there are thousands all over the world waiting for a nice home, but and it is a very big ‘but’ do think about what having a Cat in the family will be like before you start to buy the fuffy mice toys won’t you. Cats are not always the best long term house guests (just read my book “Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary” for more on that), they can be very messy and worst of all they adamantly refuse to do the washing up!

For anyone interested in reading the extreme adventures of a Cat in a house then you can get my masterpiece of feline literature “Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary” here Amazon.com at any good bookstore or from my store at my www.wickedly wonderful website here my store at www.thecatsdiary.com

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