Tag Archives: England

Coke Online – It’s Better Bottled

I heard the other day that some fool had posted the ‘secret’ – well not anymore – recipe for Coca Cola online after it was ‘discovered’ by a radio show and I thought to myself “so what!” I won’t bother to mention the show or the website because that would just draw attention to these somewhat deranged people and that is exactly what they want of course).

It’s difficult for me to describe just how unimpressed I am by the actions of this idiot, what does the nincompoop think we are going to do – use the recipe to make our own coke?

This Cat hates to mention to these stupid people and anyone daft enough to believe what they claim is true and I’m not going to grace their story by repeating it, because surely everyone knows that the recipe for Coke and just about everything that was developed in the late 19th Century will have been modified so that the commodity embraces ‘modern’ tastes.

And of course as if to prove my point I am sure I don’t have to draw your attention to the word ‘new’ in picture below, but maybe for the “hard of understanding” as I like to call really stupid people it might be worth mentioning that in order to get ‘new’ Coke the people who make the fizzy black stuff would have changed the recipe – as Homer Simpson says “DOH!”

Can of Coke.jpg

Ok I will say this about Coke! It’s over priced and I have never understood why a litre of the stuff (that is a small amount to you guys in the states and such a small bottle probably doesn’t exist – only joking) costs as much as a bumper, jumbo sized 2 litre bottle but that’s no reason for spilling the beans is it? If you don’t like the cost of something you don’t buy it.

So every recipe has change except, that is, except the wonderfully original Worcestershire Sauce which was developed by the mother of Audrey Lawson-Johnston who was the last living survivor of the sinking of the ocean liner RMS Lusitania in 1915. Audrey’s family survived the sinking and shortly after getting back to England her Mum came up with the saucy idea of this oddly tasty sauce adored by a lot of people everywhere and of course some Cats (mentioning no names but expecting at least a case of the delicious stuff as a reward for product placement of course).

Worcestershire Sauce.jpg

Now not many people know the story of Worcestershire Sauce (or care probably har ha) but honestly for those of you who are easily excited what I have just said was not a secret.

By the way, who like me, thinks that the name of the English county ‘Worcestershire’ is a bit odd? It’s the most dreadful looking name and frankly looks almost as bad as ‘Gloucestershire’ doesn’t it? I blame the French invaders of 1066 for all of these silly names and I think I am right the name ‘Gloucestershire’ it was first used in the 1Oth Century which is the 1100’s isn’t it – me and my maths – I just wonder because the use of the word Gloucestershire was blamed on the Anglo Saxons and not the French in the text book I read!

RMS Lusitania.jpg

Don’t you think since Wikileaks – which is a most unfortunate name isn’t it, and easily confused with so much else – we are all just a little too obsessed with secrecy? I suggest we relax and have a nice cup of tea and if you want a secret about tea it is that tea bags contain the worst tea of the entire crop, the broken dusty bits! There I bet you didn’t know that! But I bet your Mum’s and Grandma’s do, what a shame you never listen to them, instead listening to a lot of attention seeking sneaky fools on the radio and internet, because if you had you would drink more tea!

I was looking for an illustration for Wikileaks but when I typed “nerd pissing in the wind” in – some say – good old Google.com I didn’t get any results – odd that?

But good news! To make it up to you I thought you might like this picture of a Dog doing its ‘business!’

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Pug’s are weird aren’t they?” Have you ever wondered why old ladies like them? I think we know why now – ‘hidden talents’ that’s all I’m saying!

By the way, and just quickly!

I would like to offer a great big thanks to everyone who made the February sales of my book a record for Amazon.com and it is only about half past February, my readers are so very special and so much nicer than the average reader! Thanks and I mean that, if we can do the same in March that would of course be marvellous so please start bullying your friends now if they aren’t close enough friends for you to want to buy them the book yourself!

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Facebook Is Laughable!

I thought as there had been a few stories recently about yours truly and wonderful, intelligent Cats in general I would give you humans a human story for a change.

Everyone knows Facebook.com I suppose and most people if you tie them to a chair and shine a light into their eyes for long enough would recognise Kate Middleton, the mousey young woman who is going to marry prince thingy in a couple of months and together they are going to raise the spirits of a bedraggled nation, or cost that nation a small fortune for a wedding, your choice depending upon whether you support the monarchy or are a grown up, but it has to be remembered that only one Kate Middleton is going to marry the balding prince thingy.

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So why can’t Facebook, a social something or other network, realise that there may well be humans with the same name in their system – let me explain.

It may come as a shock to you and I know it will to Facebook if they ever enter the real world, but the world is full of ‘Kates’ – they are young and younger women who were called ‘Kate’ by their proud parents. Kate is a girl’s name after all and incidentally means ‘pure!’

The name Kate is a shortening for the longer female name of Katherine which can also be shortened further to ‘Kat’ which is nothing to do with us felines I have to say, the name ‘Kat’ has more to do with err… how can I put this more – down to earth people, ok common people.

According to WikiAnswers.com there are 200,679 Kate’s or Katherine’s in total in the world but quite frankly that answer could be like most answers from that website either total rubbish, copied from Wikipedia (which I believe is more or less on a par with rubbish) or completely and utterly untrue.

The ‘fact’ that there are so many ‘Kates’ in the world is something that anyone with an average IQ would agree to and frankly you can decide if you believe WikiAnswers.com or not because the numbers are not important, the most important fact about the name ‘Kate’ is that there are a lot of women, and of course to ensure that this Cat isn’t being sexist probably some men, called ‘Kate.’

So what does all that mean? Well a few things, up to 400,857 parents liked the name Kate, the name Kate is a bit common, the name Kate is nothing special really!

Usually females called Kate have a last name, and some of those will be unfortunate enough to have the last name of ‘Middleton’ it is also a reasonably common name.

Currently in the United Kingdom there are 20,573 people with the last name ‘Middleton’ where it is ranked the 269th most popular surname in the country.

In the United States of America there are nearly double the number of people with the surname of Middleton 40,708, but because there are more people in the states the surname is ranked only 771st, all of which means that as with the christian name ‘Kate,’ ‘Middleton’ is a common name and there is nothing what so ever wrong with that – is there folks?

Well let me rephrase that – there is nothing wrong with that unless you just happen to be called Kate Middleton and are on Facebook the well known and dreadfully dull way to keep in touch with people you would normally avoid but ‘befriended’ when they asked to avoid a confrontation of some sort where it would seem that the idiots are in charge of the controls.

Now why does that “know it all of a Cat” say that against poor defenceless but awfully profitable Facebook? Well the answer is simple to this Cat and I am sure that you humans will catch up eventually!

Recently the intellectually challenged minors at Facebook who ‘control and regulate’ Facebook decided to suspend the account of a 29 year old lady from Northants UK because oddly enough she was called ‘Kate Middleton.’ But as we have seen above the names Kate and Middleton are not uncommon and of course it is almost certain that these two names would be linked together by a pair or more of loving parents who named little Kate, Kate when she was a baby.

Little did these unsuspecting but proud parents know that 29 years later another ‘Kate’ an unremarkable woman with mouse-bum brown hair would be marrying a balding British prince who is second in line to a redundant throne and in turn be risking the family curse of divorce after a few years as her husband to be’s Father, Uncle and Aunt all suffered from that curse, divorce must run in the family and the family and its members must be dreadfully hard to live with.

So Kate Middleton’s Mum and Dad didn’t think that there would be any problems calling Kate ‘Kate’ and when Kate Middleton joined the oh so mundane website Facebook they accepted her as yet another person that they could flog crap to through their soon-to-be launched advertising system that rivals Google.com in its pointlessness.

Unfortunately Kate Middleton who is a Healthcare Assistant has recently had her Facebook account suspended because the ‘clever people’ at Facebook said that she had registered on their network with a fake name – as if they would know what a fake name is, does anyone know what ‘facebook’ means?

So why have the dicks that are clever at Facebook victimised this particular Kate Middleton and deny her access to her library of contacts and photographs, well unfortunately the answer is all too simple some other Kate Middleton will be marrying a balding British prince and be risking divorce in a few years in April and the British and obviously Facebook are wetting themselves in anticipation and excitement indeed Facebook has moved to stop anybody impersonating that particular unfortunate Kate Middleton.

Now I am only a Cat, yes a clever one, but still a Cat and I think that before banning this Kate Middleton I would think that Facebook should have had a look at this Kate Middleton’s pictures, read her bio, or even contacted her to establish that she was a real Kate Middleton before denying her access to her account if they had had the courtesy to do that they would have realised that this Kate Middleton was who she said she was.

There is of course a hint there if Facebook needed one – the real Kate Middleton doesn’t have any pictures of her standing next to a balding British prince and his dreadful family in exotic locations, shooting things and doing all of the action-girl/boy stuff that you can do when you are living in sin with a rich playboy.

Not only that, the real Kate Middleton not only had a Facebook page but she also has a boyfriend all of her own – his name is ‘Jonathan Ross.’ Mr. Ross has a Facebook page all of his own. The irony is that Jonathan Ross is also the name of a reasonably famous British television presenter and by all rights – well Facebook’s rights that is – Kate Midddleton’s boyfriend Jonathan Ross should have his account suspended for impersonation as well shouldn’t he?

Of course there is worse to come from the idiots at Facebook who, despite repeated attempts from the real Kate Middleton to have her account reinstated, have ignored her communication. All of which is really rather galling when you consider that Kate has pictures of her nephew on Facebook who is growing up, and all of her contacts, some of those she hasn’t seen for 15 years since she was at school.

Just in case you are like Facebook – terminally confused – here are two pictures of Kates – the top one is a real Kate and guess what, so is the bottom one, she is just another Kate Middleton!

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The Real Kate Middleton

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Another Kate Middleton

Of course this is just a tea cup with a storm raging in it, but if you think about it for a moment there are some really worrying issues here:

The first is that Facebook is acting as a self appointed censor on behalf of the British royal family who do a lot of dreadful things and expect far too much from an ungrateful nation, but even that bunch of ego maniacs probably wouldn’t ask Facebook to do a ‘King Herod’ act and get rid of all of the ‘other’ Kate Middletons in the world just because one was about to realise a little girl’s dream and become a princess.

The second issue is just plain worrying. Facebook do not allow you to communicate with them – they just ignore you and that is because they are too busy with the other five hundred and ninety nine million, nine hundred and ninety nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety nine other users! Let’s face it, no system can cope with 600 million users personally and of course Facebook don’t actually care about you, all they want you to do is to click on ads just like Google.com and make them even more cash.

The Third and probably most important issue here is this – there is a move from companies such as Google.com, Apple.com and Microsoft.com, who are all entirely capable of making terrible miscalculations of judgement about the real world, to get you and I to use something called ‘Cloud Computing’ where you entrust these idiots with all of your computer ‘stuff’ and they house it in a ‘cloud’ on their computers to keep it safe and save you the stress of having it all on your own perfectly good computer.

The aforementioned ‘stuff’ of course can be anything, personal information, financial information, your treasured electronic pictures – I am sure that you are getting the idea here.

So what happens if in the future these idiots do a Facebook and say that you are an impostor and deny you access to your ‘stuff’ what are you going to do? Nothing is the answer, you and I are powerless against these fools so do the only thing you can and don’t trust these berks in the first place and of course ignore the royal wedding in April the people involved are just a lot of expensive attention seekers who mistakenly believe that they do the UK some good – they like Facebook.com are so very wrong!

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The Cat Takes A Close Look At Road Signs

I can imagine the conversation between the dazed drive and the traffic cop after the (hopefully) small accident that this sign created all on its own!

Traffic Cop stands looking on bemused.

Driver pointing to undamaged yellow sign: “Turning left seemed right somehow officer!”

Turning Left Seemed Right Somehow.jpg

Ok so the next sign is not technically a road sign however before cars most highways were trails – yes I know that is a sort of tenuous introduction but I really like the Californian honesty behind this sign and so we couldn’t leave it out could we?

Californian Honesty.jpg

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Wookie Is Missing

It is really a terrible thing to find out that your favourite, lovable best friend has gone missing, but to then discover that by displaying posters your favourite, lovable best friend on trees and lampposts if you live in the town of Bedford, England you are breaking the law and could end up with a $1750 fine is really taking the proverbial biscuit and probably the biscuit tin as well!

A gentleman called Mike Harding has recently discovered by putting up a series of A4-sized posters of his favourite, lovable best friend called Wookie, who has been missing since late November he is breaking the law and could end up with a $1750 fine.

Wookie.jpg

In fact the local Bedford borough council has in no uncertain terms warned Mike of the offence he has committed – one of ‘flyposting’ and told him that must remove the posters within 48 hours or face the fine.

It is just this sort of petty mindedness that illustrates the character armour of local government! Sadly as far as I can tell poor Wookie is still missing and has been since late November, of course he poor human who must have torn all of his hair out by now wasn’t exactly helped by the local council was he.

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Signs That Make You Laugh

Most of the photographs of signs that ‘friends’ send me or I have ‘snapped’ on my travels are from countries where English is probably not even a second language and where speakers of our (well my adopted) tongue twisting language try their very hardest to create a sign that is understood by the rest of the planet and of course fail.

But even if those brave souls who spend such a long time scratching their heads trying as hard as the can to communicate in English fail surely there is no excuse for people who have spent their life speaking, and one hopes writing, English is there? And with that question I bring you a photograph of a sign from a small village in England; mmh 1 out of ten and that mark was only awarded because the writer had remembered to bring paper!

Hot Bottoms.jpg

Of course the next picture is one, for me at least, to treasure! As an author I have always been interested in any place, house or indeed flat where there is a sign that says that the author of ‘Great Expectations’ and so many other wonderful books lived. And as someone who is that interested in old Charlie I am never disappointed because he was always one step ahead of the debtors and moved around an awful lot.

Still I had, until now of course, never seen his birthplace, no wonder Charlie wrote so eloquently about poverty, he was born at a bus stop! Knowing that explains a lot!

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Today’s last and in my opinion oddest sign comes from the good people of Egypt where one feels that they don’t really know about Prawns and that in this Cat’s book is a crime and even putting aside what can only be described as the ‘peculiar’ sandwich on the right the one on the left look awful, those Prawns have never been shown a grill have they?

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About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet such as www.pawsperouspets.com.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Spammer of the Year Award

Hi All,

As a successful blogger, website owner and general all round wonder I get a lot of spam – it comes to this blog, it comes to my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com and it comes to my personal email address – thecat@thecatsdiary.com. Most of the spam is from some arse or the other advertising rubbish that wasn’t freely available before the internet you know the stuff replica designer crap badly made in China, doggy loans, equally dodgy insurance and very dodgy invitations to get rich quick Nigerian scams, escorts, pills that make bits of men err more err ‘prominent’ all of a sudden and so on.

However there are some spammers who try to make conversation or indeed pass a compliment about a brilliant Cat’s blog or www – wickedly wonderful website in the hope that vanity will prevail and the flattered feline will drop his guard for a moment and allow the spammer to comment on his blog say for instance, then the flood gates are open and the spammer can post any amount of annoying rubbish on what is a brilliant blog and in turn spoil it for all.

So I thought that I would, just for a moment, reward a spammer or two with “The Cat’s Two Finger Trophy” (yes it is remarkably like the Football World Cup Trophy but with Churchill’s golden saluting fingers sticking out of the top tee hee) and let the spammers know that although they stand about as much chance of getting through my security as I do of winning the Nobel Peace Prize their nonsense is read by me and then deleted.

Two Finger Trophy.png

The award for the most persistent spammer goes to – some arsehole at a betting site with over two hundred spams a month and rising. Happily this rubbish gets filtered out by a marvellous, friendly feline, but I’d blush if I was to tell you who that feline was!

The award for the worst google translate phrase from the original (probably Indian) goes to – some idiot at a Breitling Watch replica website. But it could also have come form the same address just insert a different ridiculously expensive designer watch product and you get the same replica rubbish, for “Your phrase is matchless…” when commenting on my ‘It Was Snowing!’blog?

The award for the most offensive spam goes to – Someone called ‘biking’ at a website for Irish escorts, sadly I can’t report here what they said because young people and Cats use this blog and my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com. Mind you! I would like to know if you were in the market for an ‘escort’ and I think we all know what one of those is, would you choose an Irish one?

The Award for the most nonsensical comment goes to some plonker at a Tattoo website for “Excuse, I have thought and have removed the idea”. Mmh how nice!

The Award for the most irrelevant comment goes to some Chinese site for – “For a long time I here was not.” I too for a long time I was here not especially when I am some where else place – what think you?

The Award for the best disguised spam goes to another escort agency for “Pretty interesting place you’ve got here. Thanks for it. I like such themes and anything connected to them. I definitely want to read more on that blog soon.”

Of course I would reproduce the web and email addresses for all my winners but that would sort of shoot myself in the paw don’t you think?

Still while we are on the subject of pests on the web aren’t Google doing everything they can to become as unpopular as Microsoft – just thought I would mention that! Here in the Czech republic they are not the dominant search engine and so they do everything to displace the search engine that is dominant called www.seznam.cz.

Google advertise at tram stops, on the metro, at the airport and whenever you log on to search on google (a rare event for me I use bing) you type in google.com in the address line expecting to go to a site in English and as the page loads google’s spy network realises that you are in the Czech republic and delivers google.cz which is annoying when it is in a language that this English and Cat speaker doesn’t understand and it does it every single time without fail – how annoying is that?

Just a quick note on the trophy design.

Being English I had to feel for the English in general even though I live in exile when first Russia and then Qatar won the world cup competition to host the game and earn vast amounts of money unless of course you are South Africa who lost billions – or should that be ‘lost’ billions?

The trouble with the English bid and the English is that they play by the rules – although I have to say I think that it showed just what a richard-head (dickhead to any adults reading) young prince Willie is when he said that three world cup delegates had personally promised him that they were voting for England and then in the final count England received just two votes and one was their own har ha – what an idiot and Cameron as well made an absolute twot of himself. (The word ‘twot’ is very much like the word ‘twat’ but the word twot can be used in mixed company har ha).

Two Finger Trophy.png

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Sarah Ferguson And Oprah Winfrey – It’s Official!

Two of the largest women in the media tie the knot.

Last week it was announced that the large but lovely Queen of the American media and tv channel owner Oprah Winfrey was going to employ the ex-duchess of somewhere small in England – the tired and emotional Sarah Ferguson in an attempt to try and straighten her life out and stop her from trying to obtain money by deception using false pretences.

This Cat’s message to the big but beautiful Oprah is “stop, don’t do it, she’ll’ drag you down with her.”
Why, because the regally awful Sarah Ferguson will probably suck a Texan’s toes on tv or offer the ‘services’ of her husband on her live chat show which the gigantic but gorgeous Oprah is granting her.

Dreadfulduchess.jpg

This dreadful ginger haired Brit (pictured above while too drunk to complain about the photographer taking a candid snap or two of her about to pollute the upholstery of a nice motor) has got to be stopped and not encouraged, she really should be serving time in a jail for her latest drunken caper and not returning to her champagne lifestyle courtesy of the very well meaning Queen of tv.

Here is a picture of the happy couple recently don’t they look nice? But will it last?

Opr&Fer.jpg

Sadly this Cat is very worried for the dumpy divine Oprah, she shouldn’t trust a drunken ex-duchess because just as with her last adventure into a relationship the dreadful ginger ex-duchess will let the side down and poor Oprah will be left with mop in hand to clean up the mess, just as the long suffering poor sad duke of York does even to this day – appointments to meet him and further your business interests can probably still be arranged by Sarah Ferguson for a ‘consideration’ of half a million big ones – well she won’t start her new tv show until next year and a girl has to keep the champagne flowing and the private jets in the air doesn’t she and party while making loyal employees of several years redundant with the minimum compensation.

This Cat wonders if the result of the marriage between the dreadful duchess and the Queen of tv will end in tears? The happy event below did in the most uncomfortable way for all concerned and no one at the time was predicting that, but that was only because it was before this Cat got a blog which though of course is mainly used to promote my wonderful book available here Amazon.com is also used to expose the excesses of what is known in England as the ‘royal’ family, ‘royal’ can of course mean ‘significant’ like ‘royal’ mess of course!

DDoY.jpg

Oprah do think again before you sign anything with ginger, she couldn’t even tell you where she will be living next year, let alone if she will be sober, best thing you can do if you want to help the ex-duchess is to find her a flat with the rent controlled, get her a job at JC Penny selling makeup or sparkly things and see if she can make a go of things for six months until your tv network is live, if the dreadful drunk duchess can then by all means throw the dog a bone so to speak, but she should have to prove herself first shouldn’t she.

Of course this Cat is available as a chat show host if the tipsy ex-duchess should be (err how can I put this) ‘indisposed’ and unable to host the show because she is suffering from slurred speech and double vision!

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Millie Makes Me Proud To Be A Cat

Recent reports that a Cat called Millie who was allegedly ‘stuck’ in a tree, after being chased up it by another Cat, have come to this Cat’s attention and of course I would like to not only report Millie’s heroism but also confer her true story to the masses of readers who catch my blog now and again in the hope that the story of this brave and justifiable annoyed Cat will give an insight into the mind of a Cat.

An insight that appears to be sadly lacking in most humans this Cat has to say, especially to those in the rescue services and the ambulance chasing media who rush to this sort of ‘event’ and in doing so; firstly create the ‘event’ to fill their tawdry newspapers and tv bulletins and secondly cause considerable embarrassment to an innocent Cat who is carefully minding his or her own business from very high up.

I have to say that I have found a Cat after my own heart! In fact more than that I think I have found a Cat who has been reading my blog and of course my wonderful masterpiece of Feline literature “Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary” available at all good bookshops and at a place called Amazon.com which, as I say a little too often, you may have heard of because Amazon.com are nearly as famous as yours very truly.

In my wonderful book and indeed on my award winning and peerless blog I explain the annoyance that a Cat suffers when humans think it is stuck up a tree when in fact it is perfectly happy to simply take in the view. Sorry I had to laugh then I used the words human and think in the same sentence – I knew I could do it one day if I tried really hard

Still enough of the blatant and hard nosed advertising and plugging of my wonderful book, although vast summer sales are very important if I am to stay on top of the bestseller lists for a long time (unsubtle hint hint).

I think that it is true to say that Millie the Cat is obviously an avid reader of fine literature – no Dan Brown books on her shelves I bet. Millie obviously had been reading my wonderful blog and book and thought that she would give tree climbing a bit of a go and gosh did Millie have a go! Not only managing, with a little help from a cast list of various and assorted humans who I will deal with as they appear but also by rewarding her eventual ‘rescuers’ with a lot of swear word evoking deep scratches.

I use the word ‘rescuers’ in inverted commas because as usual with any “Cat Stuck Up A Tree” story there is no hard evidence that the Cat in question who is up the aforementioned tree actually requires any ‘rescuing’ or indeed any form of outside ‘assistance,’ in any shape or form.

It seems as though Millie, a rather good looking Cat who looks a lot like me with Silver, Tabby and White fur and in her case the addition of some Tortoiseshell colouring on her back, was taking in the view of the neighbourhood from 40 feet, or 12 metres if you are of the metric persuasion, above ground in a conveniently tall tree and had been keeping this vigil for a few days, around five to be precise when her ‘owner,’ and of course I use that word loosely, decided that she was in fact stuck up the tree she was in.

Humans should stop for a moment before they start to panic and jump to conclusions such as “that Cat is stuck up the tree because she or he hasn’t been down it for five days!”

Why?

Well I would have thought ‘that’ was obvious derr! Millie like most Cats who climb trees to take in the view and to feel the branches making their whiskers twitch to say nothing of feeling the wind ruffle their fur, usually climb down for food and a comfort break or two at night when it is nice and quiet and the humans in the neighbourhood are mostly asleep or rather drunk and unsteadily wandering the streets too lost to notice or care about a Cat having a err, comfort break in the front garden.

I am pretty sure that Millie was doing exactly that on the day when her human decided to panic and set in motion a procession of calamitous errors of judgements, actions and more and why did he wait for five days? Why not two or three, or seven why five days, it is bizarre!

The first thing Millie’s human did was to disturb the Fire Brigade. Why do they do that humans? Firemen have probably the most important job in the world, they save people from very dangerous things like err fire and shouldn’t be called to retrieve a Cat from a tree, especially when a Cat doesn’t want to be retrieved in the first place.

In this case it would seem that the Fire Brigade were not too happy about the emergency call and worse still they were unable to put their ladders up against Millie’s wonderfully tall tree because the ground wasn’t safe, which just goes to show that Millie had chosen her tree very wisely for her period of private contemplation and obviously didn’t want to be disturbed.

The Firemen decided to try something ‘different’ and rather uncharacteristically for Firemen turned their hose on her apparently to ‘encourage’ her to come down from the tree and presumably to shut her panicking ‘owner’ up.

So a soggy Millie did what any sensible drenched Cat would do in the circumstances and climbed higher up the tree to get out of the range of the hose, clever Cat! I wonder how many humans would think of that one.

Unfortunately for the ‘rescuers’ (and by now several hundred by-standers, gwapers and of course a number of media representatives) the hose trick had not saved Millie, unfortunately for Millie, her ‘owner’ and advisers had several more hair-brained rescue schemes in reserve and through the day carried them out not even stopping for sandwiches at lunchtime.

Next on the scene for an interview, with the media and an in-depth face to face with the BBC News cameras and then a rescue attempt were the ‘RSPCA.’

RSPCA is short for the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty of Animals, of course any organisation with the word ‘royal’ in the title is going to be a bit useless and although the RSPCA spokesperson gave a very good interview to camera they couldn’t really do much because the ground around the tree was flooded courtesy of a number of disgruntled Firemen and to most watching seemed to give in a little early.

Just as all hope of a ‘rescue’ picture exclusive was beginning to fade Millie’s owner and the assembled crowd of well wishers, idlers and hangers-on had yet another cracking idea. They would order up some scaffolding. Not presumably for a public execution because this was Barnsley in Yorkshire and not downtown Tehran and as a consequence of the geography thankfully public executions had been outlawed a long while ago.

The scaffold arrived on the back of a truck with two scaffolders, who after they had managed to clear a space in the enormous crowd, very quickly used all of the poles they had brought to surround the tree and Millie. Unfortunately the scaffolding wasn’t tall enough for the brave scaffolders to hear Millie spitting at then clearly when they were at the top, in short the scaffolding tower surrounding the tree was too short.

It was probably now as the crowd started to lose interest and shout things like “shake the tree!” “Throw your shoe at the Cat!” that the scaffolders decided to take matters and of course their lives into their own hands and instead of going back for more scaffolding they decided to climb the to the uppermost parts of the trees.

These parts of trees are also known as the flimsiest. They are in fact so insubstantial that if a tree was subject to the laws of the land related to say construction they would have to have a sign clearly displayed saying “These branches will not support the weight of a human not even a child.” Or something like that! But they didn’t and it is probably pointless to ask if the scaffolders would have heeded such a sign anyway, scaffolders being who they are!

It would seem that the tree climbing went rather well and slowly but surely the scaffolders managed to get onto the same level as their quarry although it is clear to see from the picture below that their ‘quarry’ was not exactly overjoyed to have the company of two burly scaffolders in her bit of the tree, and worse she had now started to run out of tree.

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To her credit Millie had managed to scratch and bite both scaffolders severely in no time at all, it has to be said here that the scaffolders really only had themselves to blame as they weren’t wearing any protective clothing.

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Millie bravely put up a considerable fight against very unequal odds all the way down the tree as she struggled to stay up it and the scaffolders struggled to bring her down it.

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By the time Millie was reunited with her human (in the blue shirt covered in err urine – well she was still scared in her defence) she had happily drawn a lot of blood and though boggled eyed from the struggle cooly ignored the cameras, interviewers and the crowds whoops of joy that she was back on terra firma.

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Of course this story is not new it is the age old story of a Cat stuck up a tree and as it is being eventually rescued it mauls the rescuers and if you humans don’t want to hear it repeated time and again you have to do something yourselves.

Next time you see a Cat minding its own business up a tree, no matter how high it happens to be up that tree, before you call out the Fire Brigade, the Army, the Police, Scaffolders, Helicopter Rescue and any other Fred, Ned or Ted please ask yourself this simple question first.

Does that Cat need rescuing or is it simply enjoying the view?

And then before you cause a media event involving the Fire Brigade and any number of other rescue services just ask yourself this simple question!

If Cats actually do get stuck up trees and can’t get down why is it that we don’t see a lot of Cats that suffered the ultimate price for their, as human’s would put it ‘stupidity?’

The answer is rather simple and one day I expect it to occur to a human – very few, if any, Cats get stuck in trees and if they do then they are only temporarily stuck!

Of course there is always ‘one’ in the crowd, there will always be the ‘odd’ Cat, and I would emphasise the word ‘odd’ here, who gets stuck in a tree and can’t get down but they are the exception to the rule and even they are not stuck as a rule if you see what I mean.

What humans should be on the look out for is Cats who get stuck in places that have doors, where some idiot human tidily closes the door after a curious Cat has slunk in to investigate a new and probably dark place.

I have to say here that some of my best friends, yes including the half brained Ginger have been stuck on occasions but they tend to be stuck between floors in blocks of flats or in Ginger’s case in the down section of a drainpipe, no I don’t know why the clown crawled into a drainpipe backwards either! Although he says it was so he would be the right way round and therefore able to peep out of the drainpipe, which you have to admit has a strange kind of logic doesn’t it?

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April Fools Day

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In England we have a sense of humour which is rather funny but not understood completely by the rest of the world, and of course in this case I mean England and not the other bits that are tagged on to the end of England where they don’t have a sense of humour (examples Billy Connolly, Bono, Gerry Adams).

Our sense of humour even extends to making one day special, well half a day actually as I will explain.

Today is that special day, April the first and on April 1st we can tell funny, tall stories until noon and anyone who believes them is an ‘April Fool’ but anyone who tells an April Fools joke after noon is an ‘April Fool’ themselves.

There is a tradition to have an April Fools day (usually on April 1st) in most countries and so you probably know what I am talking about, which makes a nice change!

Anyway I don’t know if April Fools jokes in other countries extend to the ‘media’ as they do in England and even if they do I still wanted to share this story from the Independent with you all, not only for the nonsense article itself which I think is funny, but also for the wonderful comments that the general public have added to the article.

So here is the article!

Hadron Collider II planned for circle line

I am sure that you will enjoy it for the nonsense it is and please do have a look at the comments if you get time some are as funny as the article itself.

I won’t spoil it by telling you what the article says, except to say that the mad scientists at the Cern laboratory are ‘reported’ saying that the 23km Tunnel which currently serves the London Underground’s Circle Line could house a successor to the Large Hadron Collider and if building work started soon it would be ready by 2020, tee hee.

Few people know the origins of April Fools day and so I thought this clever Cat would shed a little light on it for you!

In the 9th Century the Church in England wanted to take control of running the country and after putting their case to one of the madder of the current Queen of England’s relatives Edward 1st the Confessor both parties struck a deal to take over the administration of England and more importantly the collection of taxes.

The deal was a surprisingly good one for both parties, the Monarch for the first time had a marvellous network of administrators who administered laws and collected taxes efficiently and he didn’t have to lift a finger to do anything and the Church skimmed enough of the top to build Cathedrals, and become the second richest institution in England.

The arrangement was announced on April 1st in the year 878, the news took almost 11 months to travel the length and breath of England but that time scale was nothing in comparison to the length of time it took for the ruling class to adopt the new legislation and that is because no one with any sense could believe what had happened and thought that the whole thing was some sort of terrible not funny joke.

For this reason it took years for the country to completely come to terms with the new Church administration and adopt it fully because everyone believed that the demented King wasn’t serious.

So that is the reason why April 1st became known as the day to tell ‘tall’ stories although of course the first one wasn’t either ‘tall’ or funny and England suffered from the Church’s mis-administration, corruption and embezzlement for centuries.

Sort of reminds you of Putin’s Russia doesn’t it? With the Church’s part being played by the oligarchs this time. Anyway England became so desperately weak and discontented that it was easily conquered in 1066 by the Normans or the French if you like and the English don’t like so we call the French the Normans.

After Willy the Conk’s successful invasion, some say with the help of the Church who thought that they would get a better deal from the French, the Church managed to do a deal with the new King and so continued to collect taxes for hundreds of years thereby managing to keep their fingers in the England’s till for centuries.

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I hope that you have a very happy April Fools day.

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Just How Cruel Are Humans?

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I saw a headline today on a news website which read “Early mammals floated to Madagascar!” I ask you how cruel is that? Why would anyone want to float early mammals or indeed any mammals to Madagascar it is a long way isn’t it?

“Ok!” I thought to myself, “so Madagascar is a nice place but don’t they have plenty of mammals of their own?” And not only that isn’t it a little cruel to float any mammal anywhere, with or without their consent!

And there is so much more that is wrong about this headline, not only is there the consent issue, floating over to Madagascar from Africa means that the poor little animals have such a long way to float, are little mammals that bouyant?

And not only that what if they drifted just a little off course, where would they end up? The Southern Ocean is the answer and that is a terrible place for several reasons, the seas are so rough and cold there but worst of all there isn’t any land for thousands of miles in any direction and the only people fool enough to cross the Southern Ocean are lone yachtsmen or yachtswomen and can you imagine what it would like to be stranded with one of them? It would be simply awful!

First they probably haven’t had an intelligent conversation with anyone since they left England twenty thousand miles ago, oh yes of course they would have visited Australia but in my experience you can’t get an intelligent conversation there so they would just talk constantly!

Then worst of all the lone yachtsman or yachtswoman would be very, very annoyed and that is because they are supposed to do their intrepid stuff alone, the clue of course is in the title “lone yachts etc,” so they probably would make any floating mammal who hopped on board very unwelcome indeed.

Which all goes to show that floating early mammals to Madagascar is a thoroughly bad idea, just because the poor devils are early to rise in the morning well that is what this good looking Cat thinks.

On a different subject have you been to my website recently the techie bods there have been working like little slaves bless them and have found a way to put this blog on my site, so if you want a double treat go to my site the cat’s diary one here – www.thecatsdiary.com I hope you enjoy it as much as I always do!

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