Feb 202014
 

The answer is ‘DON’T’

Don’t under any circumstances give an idiot a sword or indeed any other weapon, but look what those bunch of monsters in Saudi Arabia have done! They have armed themselves and an idiot from England with the damn things.

Idiot with a sword

I have a feeling that this is the big ritual performed by the Saudi royal family before they chop off the head of a princess or two for wearing lippy, or secretly hiding a picture of Tom Cruise in their underwear drawer, though I am not sure and they are conflicting reports as to what the ugly bunch of sword wavers are actually doing.

If you read the international (non-British) press they heavily criticise the idiot from the UK who likes to dress up in fancy dress as commander in chiefs of this and that in the navy, army and air force and wear an imitation gold sword at his side and probably jumped at the chance of wearing a real gold sword at his side and having the opportunity to wave it about with all the other clowns.

However if you read the British press they will say that “prince charles joined members of the Saudi royal family for the Ardah – or sword dance – in the capital Riyadh.” Then they will go on to describe the outfit, called a ‘thobe’ if anyone cares? And then drone on about the number of sequins and jewels hand sown into the fools ankle length garment, yes that right a ‘thobe’ to you and I! I would say that the word ‘thobe’ could be used as a perfect description of what that moron from England looks like wearing traditional Arab dress… a right royal thobe in fact.

Idiot with a sword3

Just look at this pompous ‘prince’ oops I think I spelt ‘prick’ wrong there sorry!
Idiot with a sword 2

No wonder the Aussies and Kiwis want to ditch the British royals as their heads of states, because it won’t be long before this right royal thobe is their head of state too and has the opportunity to flounce around the world looking like the fool in the pictures above on their behalf.

I honestly didn’t think that the Aussies or Kiwis had such taste, all I can say is good luck to their campaign and fingers crossed that one day an enlightened British people, hopefully by that time minus Scotland (they deserve their independence they have suffered for long enough) do the same.



About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

I would like to tell you all about something new and rather nice that you can get from the Apple iBooks store, no not ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book you have been able to get that for ages, no something else rather wonderful. You can get John Woodcock’s brilliantly illustrated book the first in the series called ‘The Trams of Prague’

This heavily illustrated books created especially for iPads, Pods and Phones called Tram No 6 is the Naughtiest of Trams and it looks amazing.

If you would like to get this exceptional book the easy way, just click on this link:
Trams of Prague – Tram No6 is the Naughtiest of Trams



Don’t forget dear cuddly readers one and all that my translator’s heavily illustrated book has just been made available at the iBookstore or iTunes – what was it with Steve Jobs and all of the ‘i’s’?

To get whizzed straight to the store whatever it’s called just click on the picture of the cover of that wonderful book below.

Trams of Prague ePub Cover 2 1 13 225x225 75

Feb 192014
 

Though I don’t necessarily know much about it or am expert at using it I do love the English language and it’s amazing utility.

In the sign below the poor old English language is being hammered, annealed, stretched and generally buggered around with and it still makes sense… almost!

Yes it does hic Tajikistan bazaar

Oh dear I am sorry it doesn’t, it’s been beaten by an advert in a Tajik bazaar! Mind you it isn’t even the language that has been knocked over in this ad, it’s reality itself. Below is a picture of the closest landscape in Tajikistan to the one shown in the ad of a long white sandy beach edged with palm trees (where most ‘other’ people around the world do their ironing obviously according to a the Tajik ad agency who created the ad).

Tajikistan Landscape

The landscape is achingly pretty, even the areas affected by the 1992 civil war are beautiful.

There had to be a civil war didn’t there?

Then there is the picture of the bikini clad lady doing the ironing, now I know that not all of the lovely ladies of the west do their ironing in bikini’s, unlike the Takij ad executives, but as far as I am aware Tajik women haven’t adopted this fashion, they prefer this sort of outfit.

Women in Tajikistan mohair production

Sorry I couldn’t find a picture of a Tajik woman ironing or indeed in a bikini but the picture above is of women in Tajikistan producing Mohair. Sadly you can’t see the ‘Mo!’

By the way, Mohair comes from Goats and in my experience Goats the world over are very smelly, imagine what your hands smell like after a day of ‘producing’ Mohair.



About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

I would like to tell you all about something new and rather nice that you can get from the Apple iBooks store, no not ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book you have been able to get that for ages, no something else rather wonderful. You can get John Woodcock’s brilliantly illustrated book the first in the series called ‘The Trams of Prague’

This heavily illustrated books created especially for iPads, Pods and Phones called Tram No 6 is the Naughtiest of Trams and it looks amazing.

If you would like to get this exceptional book the easy way, just click on this link:
Trams of Prague – Tram No6 is the Naughtiest of Trams



Don’t forget dear cuddly readers one and all that my translator’s heavily illustrated book has just been made available at the iBookstore or iTunes – what was it with Steve Jobs and all of the ‘i’s’?

To get whizzed straight to the store whatever it’s called just click on the picture of the cover of that wonderful book below.

Trams of Prague ePub Cover 2 1 13 225x225 75

Dec 052013
 

I bought some birthday candles for my beloved Mrs. Cat’s birthday cake.

As you can see they say “HAPPY BIPTHDAY” which is an interesting spelling of the very traditional message, if I may say so.

The candles were not very carefully made in Germany. I wonder if the German version says “Alles Gute sum Geburtsag” instead of “Alles Gute sum Geburtstag.” Masters of Europe yeah right!

Happy Bipthday

Now I know that English isn’t the German’s first language, the clue is in the nations name I bet, but I managed to get the correct spelling of Happy Birthday in German and I am just a Cat, they are a bunch of loud clever dickies!



About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

I would like to tell you all about something new and rather nice that you can get from the Apple iBooks store, no not ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book you have been able to get that for ages, no something else rather wonderful. You can get John Woodcock’s brilliantly illustrated book the first in the series called ‘The Trams of Prague’

This heavily illustrated books created especially for iPads, Pods and Phones called Tram No 6 is the Naughtiest of Trams and it looks amazing.

If you would like to get this exceptional book the easy way, just click on this link:
Trams of Prague – Tram No6 is the Naughtiest of Trams



Don’t forget dear cuddly readers one and all that my translator’s heavily illustrated book has just been made available at the iBookstore or iTunes – what was it with Steve Jobs and all of the ‘i’s’?

To get whizzed straight to the store whatever it’s called just click on the picture of the cover of that wonderful book below.

Trams of Prague ePub Cover 2 1 13 225x225 75

Jul 192013
 

The English aren’t ‘that’ proud of their language you only have to look who they have lent it to over the years to prove that, but as well as Indians and Americans mugging it, the English themselves do a pretty good job as you can see below!

More perfect English

Tans in ‘ere indeed!

About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

I would like to tell you all about something new and rather nice that you can get from the Apple iBooks store at last, yes it’s my wonderful first book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ so what are you waiting for you lovely Apple users?

Apr 292013
 

The English like to think that they have some of the best history in the world and that alone should be enough to entice loads of tourists to spend far too much money visiting what is essentially a rather tatty run down country full of some of the poorest people in Europe.

One of the ‘treasures’ of England is the Royal family which comprise some of the wealthiest people in Europe who occasionally are persuades to perform for the tourists and their supporters. These performances take the form of ‘events’ and are spread through the year so that attending doesn’t interfere with the Royal family’s holiday arrangements.

Transport for London likes a good Pageant

On odd occasions there is a big costly event arranged to mark an anniversary, these expensive ‘events’ are paid for by the overburdened taxpayer, the most recent was the queen’s diamond jubilee, in days gone by when the royal family meant something to the majority of the English population these events had some point now even the authorities are less than enthusiastic because of the problems caused to traffic flow and a Pageant becomes a “Padgent” whatever that is! Funny how transport for London managed to spell “NO STOPPING” correctly!

About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

I would like to tell you all about something new and rather nice that you can get from the Apple iBooks store at last, yes it’s my wonderful first book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ so what are you waiting for you lovely Apple users?

Jan 292013
 

Translation is a difficult art and it is very easy to make all sorts of stupid mistakes even if you are the best translator in the world and an expert in both of the languages that you might be having a go at.

As you will know if you read my blogs I rather like the other type of translations, the one that demonstrates that a little knowledge is incredibly dangerous, the type of translation that doesn’t have any noticeable stupid mistakes in it, because the entire translation from start to finish is a stupid mistake.

Here for all of my lovely cuddly readers is a real classic which appears to have been translated from French to English and then from English to pure Gibberish, well done I say!

French to English English to Gibberish



Don’t forget dear cuddly readers one and all that my translator’s heavily illustrated book has just been made available at the iBookstore or iTunes – what was it with Steve Jobs and all of the ‘i’s’?

To get whizzed straight to the store whatever it’s called just click on the picture of the cover of that wonderful book below.

Trams of Prague ePub Cover 2 1 13 225x225 75



About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

I would like to tell you all about something new and rather nice that you can get from the Apple iBooks store, no not ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book you have been able to get that for ages, no something else rather wonderful. You can get John Woodcock’s brilliantly illustrated book the first in the series called ‘The Trams of Prague’

This heavily illustrated books created especially for iPads, Pods and Phones called Tram No 6 is the Naughtiest of Trams and it looks amazing.

If you would like to get this exceptional book the easy way, just click on this link:
Trams of Prague – Tram No6 is the Naughtiest of Trams

Sep 072012
 

Picture this, an English summer, a busybody or two organise a Fête, they book the vicar to open it when the local born TV celebrity backs out. Then someone steals the Tom bola prizes, but the Brits all pull together and a reasonable time is had by all on the day.

When the organising committee are working so hard sadly some things can get overlooked and somethings taken literally, like say for instance the wording in some signs.

Please explain

Oh dear granny!



About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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May 282012
 

Pocari Sweat or as they say in Japan ポカリスエット Pokari Suetto is a great name for a soft drink isn’t it? I am surprised that the good folk at Red Bull didn’t snap that one up aren’t you then we could have the Pocari Sweat racing teams competing in all sorts of ‘fast’ events where a lot of err… sweating is done.

Thirsty Read The Sign Bet You Aren t Now Japan

Seriously though, would you, even if you were hot and um… sweaty drink a bottle of the stuff even if it was straight from the fridge?

I am sure like me you are asking yourselves, my dear cuddly readers why the Japanese like the idea of drinking ‘sweat’ well (sadly) there’s a perfectly reasonable answer – and that is that the Japanese, bless them, in the main don’t actually mentally translate names that appear in English on product labels and so they aren’t bothered by what that name might mean in English, that’s a pity because that reasonable explanation takes some of the fun out of the idea of millions of hot Japanese people reaching for a can or bottle of ‘sweat’ to cool themselves down doesn’t it!

Oh I nearly forgot apparently, according to the manufacturers, the word ‘Pocari’ doesn’t have a meaning it is, wait for it, according to the clever marketeers – a light, bright sound.

Well I don’t know about you but when the Cat says Pocari it doesn’t really sound light or bright to me and if it did the attachment of the word ‘sweat’ to the name ruins any shine the word may have.

Pocari sweat 500ml



About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Feb 172012
 

The English countryside is a wonderful scenic place crammed full of open skies that kiss the horizon, fields, hedgerows, wildlife, odd villages with odder villagers inhabiting them (I may have mentioned the ale-swillers Fred, Ned and Ted before so I won’t now) all of which makes the English countryside somewhere that you either adore or loathe.

Here is a perfect example of why people from the towns have a problem with people from the countryside – they are often a little odd, as this sign demonstrates perfectly.

What Have Sheep Got Against Trees

If you loathe the English countryside you are probably a townie and there is nothing wrong with being one of those unless it would seem you are personally involved in planning the route of the second High Speed train which I understand is called HS2, because you old chap must really hate the countryside and should never have been giving the power to destroy such large chunks of it.

Which brings me to this sign one created especially for the head of planning for the HS2 and of course Davis Cameron the Prime Minister of the towns of England it must be difficult for them to understand that people don’t like their little idea in the countryside!

Bad HS2

So why is the sign above hard for townies, and the other fools mentioned, to understand well it’s simple really! They probably want to get from one dirty, smelly overcrowded dump to another as fast as possible, oh I’m sorry I mean from Birmingham to London or indeed the other way around and in doing so they need to carve up a very large and rather wide chunk of what I think we will call “the next two pictures.”

The first picture below, is of a bit of reasonably unspoilt English countryside that hasn’t been touched since the royal family and after them parliament thought of something called the ‘inclosures act’ or ‘enclosures act’ would be a bit of a wheeze and keep the hoi polloi of their land.

After

The second picture is of the same countryside (well nearly) after it has been turned into a high speed railway line no wonder the country folk in England believe that the townies don’t like them and their countryside!

After2

One last little bit of stirring oops sorry I mean information that David Cameron and the rest of the tarmac brigade might like to bear in mind is the definition of ‘Hoi polloi’ today it might mean the rabble, the dregs etc., but in accent Greece where the word comes from it means ‘the many’ or rather deliciously the ‘majority’ now that surely is something that any politician worth his salt might like to bear in mind – even maybe David Cameron!

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Dec 082011
 

I was talking to Hugh Grant the other day and we both agreed that being a celebrity can be hard, if it isn’t the Murdoch run newspapers trying to tap your phone, open you mail and go through your empties it’s the wonderful general public, bless them all, who can get a little carried away and storm your book signings just wanting to stroke you, and I have to say that happens to me a lot although I was surprised to hear that it happened to Huge (my pet name for Hugh).

Sometimes this Cat who writes blogs thinks that as a celebrity in constant demand by an adoring public you just have to get away, go into hiding or use camouflage, Hugh was of the same opinion but tends to think that you can hide from the public in a car parked round the back of a busy well lit street, still it takes all sorts to make the world dizzy doesn’t it?

Between you and me I have been using camouflage for a while now to avoid the glare of the public and the peeping Toms of the press and believe that camouflage is a very wonderful thing.

Just today I was leafing through a copy of my newspaper and spotted a whole section of pictures dedicated to animals and insects who are really rather good at camouflaging themselves.

I have to say that article was an altogether more interesting than another which reported that Madonna, (with an emphasis on the ‘Mad’ she is obviously going through some sort of mid-life experience), said that the duchess of Cambridge (if you don’t know who she is here’s a tip, she’s the anorexic looking newest royal, who depending upon the newspaper you read is expecting one or several babies, if that is true where is the bulge then – in a surrogate?) is “lovely girl with great sense of style.” Sorry Madonna I think it’s time to hang up your sling backs darling cos baby doll you have lost it!

Instead of offering you a picture of the tired but blousy Madonna or the Mousey but skinny duchess of Cambridge I thought I would let my wonderful readers have a gawp at some amazing camouflage pictures I was so impressed with. Not all of them are animals or insects as you will see and for one sadly no amount of camouflage will help her appearance.

So without further ado or character assassination I give you my little tribute to camouflage and the beasts that use it.

To start with how about the Leaf-tailed Gecko, aka the Satanic Leaf-tailed Gecko who blends in wonderfully with a rustle of old brown dried leaves this one lives in the Andasibe-Mantadia National Park in Madagascar?

Leaf Tailed Gecko

Or what about a Bat-faced Toad who has taken a tip form the Satanic Leaf-tailed Gecko above and is hiding amongst a crust of dead leaves in the Amacayacu National Park in Colombia?

Leaf Toad

Then there is the oddly named White Crab Spider sitting on a flower near you, if you happen to live in the south of England or Wales.

White Crab Spider

Humans can create excellent camouflage if they have the patience and artistic ability, but sadly unlike the animals above when they move the illusion is shattered. Let’s hope that this lady stays still because I think she has forgotten to get dressed this morning!

Nude

Lastly, and that is where every one of all of the dozens of English queens, dukes, duchesses, princesses and princes of benefit dependency – the English royal family – would come if they weren’t so privileged, we have the amazing camouflage of the duchess of somewhere that was invented especially to accommodate her.

As you can see she blends in rather well with the soldiers, some might say that she looks the most ‘rugged’ of them all!

Do you like me wonder what she is pointing at around that soldier’s crutch? She seems to be very interested in ‘something’ down ‘there’ don’t you think?

If you want to see more of these overrated royal individuals they can be found posing in army, navy and air force uniforms on state occasions (which makes you wonder if the English state isn’t a military one?).

Oddly enough the royals are almost always dressed up in very high ranking positions in their chosen armed force I wonder just how they earned this exulted ranks? Beats me!

If you want to get a good look at the English royal family the best place to spot them is on holiday somewhere very warm while the British newspapers sing their praises and extoll their virtues at home telling the English people just how hard the royals are working!

Duchess

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