May 102011
 

Recently in a suburb of London it took twelve firefighters, a road closure, a water cannon and 30 hours…to rescue a KITTEN from a tree, and to this Cat that seems to be about the right number of humans, the appropriate amount of fuss and confusion to expend on something as precious as a Cat!

A dozen firefighters sealed off a road for 30 hours and eventually brought in a hydraulic hoist to rescue a Cleo a Kitten who had lost her way when climbing a tree and instead of climbing down had gone the wrong way and climbed almost all the way to the top of a 50ft tree.

The Tree

The wonderful, brave and patient firefighters at first used a water cannon to ‘encourage Cleo the Kitten to climb down the tree, not to knock her out of the tree it has to be stress but that only forced Cleo to climb higher up the tree – but then we all know about Cats and water don’t we?

It was only after the firefighters called in reinforcements and a ‘cherry picker-style’ hydraulic device, that a fearless fireman was able to grab Cleo and bring her back down to earth.

A Happy Ending

Before leaving the patient firemen advised the Kitten’s human to put wire mesh around the base of the tree so that the Cleo wouldn’t be able to climb up the tree and cause such a commotion in future.

The Cat’s Opinion

First I have to say that people who have Cats and trees in their garden and don’t want to repeat the palaver described above should do what the clever firefighters suggested and put Chicken Wire around the base of the tree.

Secondly I think that firefighters are just wonderful and should have their salaried doubled immediately.

Lastly as I said above, but it is worth saying again twelve firefighters, a road closure, a water cannon and 30 hours to rescue a Kitten from a tree, seems to be about the right number of humans, the appropriate amount of fuss and confusion to expend on something as precious as a Cat!

About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

The Cat & Kindle

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Dec 032010
 

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In answer to all of the rumours flying around the web, like litter around the Pyramids in Egypt, about the forthcoming movie of my bestselling book and work of genius ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary” all I can say at this moment is “yes!”

Unfortunately the ‘yes’ that I am affirming is a ‘yes’ that I continue to want to make the movie of my wonderfully entertaining which has made good people laugh from Peru to Peterborough via Pittsburgh, though sadly not the People’s Republic of China because I dared to expose their Cat and Dog eating habits.

So, how far have I managed to get with the movie moguls? Well further than you would think for a Cat who is busy writing another blockbuster book although along the way I have not made many friends but then who does if you tell the truth all the time especially to movie moguls?

At the end of the day after various trips to the land of Holly and Wood I would say that probably next year we are going to have a major announcement! It would seem that the main sticking point at the moment is the question “does the Cat have legs?”

I have pointed downwards every time they asked the question but I think they want to know if there are going to be more hilarious books from this champion of feline literature and the answer is yes!

As I have said before to the movie people just let me get on with the new book/books now and they can work on the first movie I blame Harry Potter everyone wants a series of movies now but let’s face it if Anne Frank can have a movie made of her diary then they have to go for mine now, it’s much funnier and you have to ask yourself “what has she done since?” Don’t you?

You can get my book and make your own decision on whether it should be a movie or not here Amazon.com don’t forget you can always get a copy of my perfect book from my¬†www.thecatsdiary.com where ever you buy it it will make a wonderful Christmas present and so why not treat yourself and all of your family friends, the butcher, baker and anyone else deserving especially Firemen who are wonderful.

By the way if you want to get into the Christmas spirit and have the snow falling across your webpage while you read my wonderful blogs in December then you’ll have to go to http://blog.thecatsdiary.com this year because unfortunately there is a bug in the WordPress blog thingy and it messes up the entire page, still never mind my boffins have boffed the same thing for you on the blog page of my www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com.

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Jun 082010
 

Recent reports that a Cat called Millie who was allegedly ‘stuck’ in a tree, after being chased up it by another Cat, have come to this Cat’s attention and of course I would like to not only report Millie’s heroism but also confer her true story to the masses of readers who catch my blog now and again in the hope that the story of this brave and justifiable annoyed Cat will give an insight into the mind of a Cat.

An insight that appears to be sadly lacking in most humans this Cat has to say, especially to those in the rescue services and the ambulance chasing media who rush to this sort of ‘event’ and in doing so; firstly create the ‘event’ to fill their tawdry newspapers and tv bulletins and secondly cause considerable embarrassment to an innocent Cat who is carefully minding his or her own business from very high up.

I have to say that I have found a Cat after my own heart! In fact more than that I think I have found a Cat who has been reading my blog and of course my wonderful masterpiece of Feline literature “Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary” available at all good bookshops and at a place called Amazon.com which, as I say a little too often, you may have heard of because Amazon.com are nearly as famous as yours very truly.

In my wonderful book and indeed on my award winning and peerless blog I explain the annoyance that a Cat suffers when humans think it is stuck up a tree when in fact it is perfectly happy to simply take in the view. Sorry I had to laugh then I used the words human and think in the same sentence – I knew I could do it one day if I tried really hard

Still enough of the blatant and hard nosed advertising and plugging of my wonderful book, although vast summer sales are very important if I am to stay on top of the bestseller lists for a long time (unsubtle hint hint).

I think that it is true to say that Millie the Cat is obviously an avid reader of fine literature – no Dan Brown books on her shelves I bet. Millie obviously had been reading my wonderful blog and book and thought that she would give tree climbing a bit of a go and gosh did Millie have a go! Not only managing, with a little help from a cast list of various and assorted humans who I will deal with as they appear but also by rewarding her eventual ‘rescuers’ with a lot of swear word evoking deep scratches.

I use the word ‘rescuers’ in inverted commas because as usual with any “Cat Stuck Up A Tree” story there is no hard evidence that the Cat in question who is up the aforementioned tree actually requires any ‘rescuing’ or indeed any form of outside ‘assistance,’ in any shape or form.

It seems as though Millie, a rather good looking Cat who looks a lot like me with Silver, Tabby and White fur and in her case the addition of some Tortoiseshell colouring on her back, was taking in the view of the neighbourhood from 40 feet, or 12 metres if you are of the metric persuasion, above ground in a conveniently tall tree and had been keeping this vigil for a few days, around five to be precise when her ‘owner,’ and of course I use that word loosely, decided that she was in fact stuck up the tree she was in.

Humans should stop for a moment before they start to panic and jump to conclusions such as “that Cat is stuck up the tree because she or he hasn’t been down it for five days!”

Why?

Well I would have thought ‘that’ was obvious derr! Millie like most Cats who climb trees to take in the view and to feel the branches making their whiskers twitch to say nothing of feeling the wind ruffle their fur, usually climb down for food and a comfort break or two at night when it is nice and quiet and the humans in the neighbourhood are mostly asleep or rather drunk and unsteadily wandering the streets too lost to notice or care about a Cat having a err, comfort break in the front garden.

I am pretty sure that Millie was doing exactly that on the day when her human decided to panic and set in motion a procession of calamitous errors of judgements, actions and more and why did he wait for five days? Why not two or three, or seven why five days, it is bizarre!

The first thing Millie’s human did was to disturb the Fire Brigade. Why do they do that humans? Firemen have probably the most important job in the world, they save people from very dangerous things like err fire and shouldn’t be called to retrieve a Cat from a tree, especially when a Cat doesn’t want to be retrieved in the first place.

In this case it would seem that the Fire Brigade were not too happy about the emergency call and worse still they were unable to put their ladders up against Millie’s wonderfully tall tree because the ground wasn’t safe, which just goes to show that Millie had chosen her tree very wisely for her period of private contemplation and obviously didn’t want to be disturbed.

The Firemen decided to try something ‘different’ and rather uncharacteristically for Firemen turned their hose on her apparently to ‘encourage’ her to come down from the tree and presumably to shut her panicking ‘owner’ up.

So a soggy Millie did what any sensible drenched Cat would do in the circumstances and climbed higher up the tree to get out of the range of the hose, clever Cat! I wonder how many humans would think of that one.

Unfortunately for the ‘rescuers’ (and by now several hundred by-standers, gwapers and of course a number of media representatives) the hose trick had not saved Millie, unfortunately for Millie, her ‘owner’ and advisers had several more hair-brained rescue schemes in reserve and through the day carried them out not even stopping for sandwiches at lunchtime.

Next on the scene for an interview, with the media and an in-depth face to face with the BBC News cameras and then a rescue attempt were the ‘RSPCA.’

RSPCA is short for the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty of Animals, of course any organisation with the word ‘royal’ in the title is going to be a bit useless and although the RSPCA spokesperson gave a very good interview to camera they couldn’t really do much because the ground around the tree was flooded courtesy of a number of disgruntled Firemen and to most watching seemed to give in a little early.

Just as all hope of a ‘rescue’ picture exclusive was beginning to fade Millie’s owner and the assembled crowd of well wishers, idlers and hangers-on had yet another cracking idea. They would order up some scaffolding. Not presumably for a public execution because this was Barnsley in Yorkshire and not downtown Tehran and as a consequence of the geography thankfully public executions had been outlawed a long while ago.

The scaffold arrived on the back of a truck with two scaffolders, who after they had managed to clear a space in the enormous crowd, very quickly used all of the poles they had brought to surround the tree and Millie. Unfortunately the scaffolding wasn’t tall enough for the brave scaffolders to hear Millie spitting at then clearly when they were at the top, in short the scaffolding tower surrounding the tree was too short.

It was probably now as the crowd started to lose interest and shout things like “shake the tree!” “Throw your shoe at the Cat!” that the scaffolders decided to take matters and of course their lives into their own hands and instead of going back for more scaffolding they decided to climb the to the uppermost parts of the trees.

These parts of trees are also known as the flimsiest. They are in fact so insubstantial that if a tree was subject to the laws of the land related to say construction they would have to have a sign clearly displayed saying “These branches will not support the weight of a human not even a child.” Or something like that! But they didn’t and it is probably pointless to ask if the scaffolders would have heeded such a sign anyway, scaffolders being who they are!

It would seem that the tree climbing went rather well and slowly but surely the scaffolders managed to get onto the same level as their quarry although it is clear to see from the picture below that their ‘quarry’ was not exactly overjoyed to have the company of two burly scaffolders in her bit of the tree, and worse she had now started to run out of tree.

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To her credit Millie had managed to scratch and bite both scaffolders severely in no time at all, it has to be said here that the scaffolders really only had themselves to blame as they weren’t wearing any protective clothing.

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Millie bravely put up a considerable fight against very unequal odds all the way down the tree as she struggled to stay up it and the scaffolders struggled to bring her down it.

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By the time Millie was reunited with her human (in the blue shirt covered in err urine – well she was still scared in her defence) she had happily drawn a lot of blood and though boggled eyed from the struggle cooly ignored the cameras, interviewers and the crowds whoops of joy that she was back on terra firma.

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Of course this story is not new it is the age old story of a Cat stuck up a tree and as it is being eventually rescued it mauls the rescuers and if you humans don’t want to hear it repeated time and again you have to do something yourselves.

Next time you see a Cat minding its own business up a tree, no matter how high it happens to be up that tree, before you call out the Fire Brigade, the Army, the Police, Scaffolders, Helicopter Rescue and any other Fred, Ned or Ted please ask yourself this simple question first.

Does that Cat need rescuing or is it simply enjoying the view?

And then before you cause a media event involving the Fire Brigade and any number of other rescue services just ask yourself this simple question!

If Cats actually do get stuck up trees and can’t get down why is it that we don’t see a lot of Cats that suffered the ultimate price for their, as human’s would put it ‘stupidity?’

The answer is rather simple and one day I expect it to occur to a human – very few, if any, Cats get stuck in trees and if they do then they are only temporarily stuck!

Of course there is always ‘one’ in the crowd, there will always be the ‘odd’ Cat, and I would emphasise the word ‘odd’ here, who gets stuck in a tree and can’t get down but they are the exception to the rule and even they are not stuck as a rule if you see what I mean.

What humans should be on the look out for is Cats who get stuck in places that have doors, where some idiot human tidily closes the door after a curious Cat has slunk in to investigate a new and probably dark place.

I have to say here that some of my best friends, yes including the half brained Ginger have been stuck on occasions but they tend to be stuck between floors in blocks of flats or in Ginger’s case in the down section of a drainpipe, no I don’t know why the clown crawled into a drainpipe backwards either! Although he says it was so he would be the right way round and therefore able to peep out of the drainpipe, which you have to admit has a strange kind of logic doesn’t it?

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Jan 062010
 
Snow Scene.jpg

In response to one contributor I have added a special bonus blog today which is of course free of charge but if you feel ‘disposed’ after you have relieved yourselves you can send a donation to help keep this blog free?

Sorry I got confused with the free Wikipedia service for a moment and didn’t manage to comment on the word disposed did I?

It has always seemed to me that the word – ‘disposed’ that is – is not used nearly enough, we often hear the someone or the other is ‘indisposed,’ but rarely if ever that they are back up and running and are now ‘disposed’ to do whatever it is that we were all disappointed that they didn’t do in the first place.

Assuming you followed that last sentence then the next leap of logic is just a small very manageable one, here hold my paw and let’s jump together!

So if there is a word disposed STOP I checked there is! Then it is a little redundant and under used, and that is sad for a word it has to be said, yes the word has to be said and of course the comment has to be said as well, it is sad for a word to be so neglected.

In my role as self appointed “Shepherd of the English Language” I feel that it is my duty to herd words like ‘disposed’ back into general use and I am sure that you will agree I am doing a pretty good job with the word ‘disposed’ aren’t I?

The trouble with ‘disposed’ I think is that when you hear that someone is ‘indisposed’ it sort of suggests that they have a lot of troubles doesn’t it?

Ok I usually think that someone who is ‘indisposed’ is stuck in the loo and is not able to complete the task that they went in there for, if you see what I mean and using the most polite way to describe what they went into the loo for without saying that they went off for a poo and couldn’t! Oops!

So if we generally agree on what ‘indisposed’ means or what it suggests to us simple folk then imagine if we were to hear that the Queen, a Film Star or a Politician (have fun and insert a name here) was ‘disposed’ we would for, hopefully, a very brief moment imagine them sighing with relief as, how can I put this, “things happened!”

Not a pretty sight in the mind’s eye is it, but then I have to insist that it is not the fault of the word ‘disposed’ that we think like that is it, it is of course because of our over active imagination and of course the knowledge that ‘poo’ jokes work on every level!

Anyway I am glad we cleared that up, the real point of the bonus blog, yes this one, is that I mentioned that it was Snowing and ‘V’ cold here metrically and um-di-dum-dit-itly (what is the opposite of metric I don’t know)!

Anyway some kind reader the type I like who has bought, read and enjoyed my blockbusting book “Getting Out Excerpts From A Cat’s Diary” written by this good looking Cat I have to confess and available here Amazon.com asked me to describe what it was like outside in the snow and frost at home in snowy Tunbridge Wells and so because I always do what my faithful readers suggest, blindly and stupidly as it turned out!

Earlier today I went outside into a very white world, I did a better job of Capt’n Scott of Antartic fame in getting to my objective across the ice and snow, in my case my objective was the top of the drive and the very peaceful and deserted road.

When I got to the top of the drive I looked out over the landscape it was very white, soft, curvy and clean, like a 1940’s B Moviestar’s bum. Carefully I felt the ice beneath my paws and was just about to lick the snow, as instructed once again, when I slipped and fell over.

As I slid down the footpath I bumped into Mrs. Plasticmac who you may have heard of if you have bought my book, she is the Cat rescuing cretin from across the road and down a bit, she slipped and joined me on the ground and we both slid down the hill like a mis-matched Winter Olympic Bobsleigh team that had turned over on the first bend and were still hurtling down the course because we were trapped inside and far too incompetent to do anything about our situation.

It was as always just my luck to see out of the corner of my eye a massive snow plow heading up from the direction of the Chief Constable’s house.

The snow plow was upside down which I thought was a little odd, but then I realised that it wasn’t upside down at all and worse we Mrs. Plasticmac and I were going to be snow blown any second now.

This was a first for me as it happened and of course after it happened I was too dizzy to ask if Mrs. Plasticmac had ever been blown in the snow before? But then as she was in shock she probably wasn’t in any fit state to comment, talk or indeed stop making odd squeaking noises and dribbling.

Me! Oh I was ok, thanks for asking! As the lighter of the two objects ‘blown’ by the snow plow’s blower I somehow got caught up in Mrs. Plasticmac’s sensible tweed skirt and (unfortunately) thermal underwear and so I missed most of the nastier bits of the snow blowing experience, although until I crawled out of Mrs. Plasticmac’s under things I thought I had gone blind because it was so dark in there!

Still I slipped out easily enough, hopped onto the branch of a tree and carefully climbed down from the roof back to the safety of the ground and into the warm arms of a nice friendly neighbour.

Mrs. Plasticmac had, I thought decided to take the opportunity of clinging to a neighbour’s chimney to take in the view out across the snow covered fields and woodland and I had to admire her, it was jolly cold up there and as a wind had got up and it was beginning to snow heavily rather game of her I thought!

As usual the Firemen were wonderful and in a jiffy, well three hours, is not a jiffy I know, but there was a blizzard to contend with of course they started the ‘recovery’ operation. And what a very complicated operation it was to recover Mrs. Plasticmac.

The Firemen used a blowtorch to melt the bits of Mrs. Plasticmac’s clothing that had become completely frozen to the chimney and after quite a while, I have to say, they managed to get her down.

You know I was happy for Mrs. Plasticmac in two ways, that was the second time she had been blown in a day, which probably for her was something of a record, and of course she would have something interesting to talk about at coffee mornings now, well after she leaves hospital of course.

Isn’t it funny there is always a bright side to everything you just sometimes have to really root around to find it don’t you?

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