Feb 122014
 

I’m sure it isn’t a question that you as yourself every day. But what can you do with Ninety flatulent Cows?

Well happily this clever Cat has the answer, though whether you would want to get up to what these ninety cows did is a question for another day.

Cow female black white

Recently a farmer in Rasdorf, Germany got something of a surprise when he was keeping ninety cows locked up in their cow shed and the result of their, well let’s call it “collective efforts” blew the roof off the cow shed, sadly injuring one of the cows.

Apparently the combined product of the cows burps and err… bottom burps meeting a charge of static electricity caused Methane gas – and I am sure by now you know where that came from – to explode with flashes of flame and although other reports don’t say, probably an enormous bad smell.

Maybe that will teach farmers not to imprison cows in a cow shed!

Of course everyone knows that the place for cows is outside in the wind and preferably downwind if you get my meaning. Not everyone might know that cows are a lot like humans they are helping to warm the planet with their greenhouse gas emissions. Cows um let’s call it “emit” up to 500 litres of the greenhouse gas methane everyday of their adult lives, sadly you won’t find any farmer anywhere taxed into extinction by governments as they do with home owners and transport users who pay colossal amounts for their energy to keep them warm and on the move. Oh no farmers are special, they get government subsidies to help warm the planet.


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

I would like to tell you all about something new and rather nice that you can get from the Apple iBooks store, no not ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book you have been able to get that for ages, no something else rather wonderful. You can get John Woodcock’s brilliantly illustrated book the first in the series called ‘The Trams of Prague’

This heavily illustrated books created especially for iPads, Pods and Phones called Tram No 6 is the Naughtiest of Trams and it looks amazing.

If you would like to get this exceptional book the easy way, just click on this link:
Trams of Prague – Tram No6 is the Naughtiest of Trams


Don’t forget dear cuddly readers one and all that my translator’s heavily illustrated book has just been made available at the iBookstore or iTunes – what was it with Steve Jobs and all of the ‘i’s’?

To get whizzed straight to the store whatever it’s called just click on the picture of the cover of that wonderful book below.

Trams of Prague ePub Cover 2 1 13 225x225 75

Dec 052013
 

I bought some birthday candles for my beloved Mrs. Cat’s birthday cake.

As you can see they say “HAPPY BIPTHDAY” which is an interesting spelling of the very traditional message, if I may say so.

The candles were not very carefully made in Germany. I wonder if the German version says “Alles Gute sum Geburtsag” instead of “Alles Gute sum Geburtstag.” Masters of Europe yeah right!

Happy Bipthday

Now I know that English isn’t the German’s first language, the clue is in the nations name I bet, but I managed to get the correct spelling of Happy Birthday in German and I am just a Cat, they are a bunch of loud clever dickies!


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

I would like to tell you all about something new and rather nice that you can get from the Apple iBooks store, no not ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book you have been able to get that for ages, no something else rather wonderful. You can get John Woodcock’s brilliantly illustrated book the first in the series called ‘The Trams of Prague’

This heavily illustrated books created especially for iPads, Pods and Phones called Tram No 6 is the Naughtiest of Trams and it looks amazing.

If you would like to get this exceptional book the easy way, just click on this link:
Trams of Prague – Tram No6 is the Naughtiest of Trams


Don’t forget dear cuddly readers one and all that my translator’s heavily illustrated book has just been made available at the iBookstore or iTunes – what was it with Steve Jobs and all of the ‘i’s’?

To get whizzed straight to the store whatever it’s called just click on the picture of the cover of that wonderful book below.

Trams of Prague ePub Cover 2 1 13 225x225 75

Nov 292013
 

A Viennese Speciality

What sounds worse? “Knuspriges Krebsfleisch” or “Crispy Crap?” Hmm after all of the trouble I get into I think I will let you decide dear cuddly reader.

Oh ok I can’t help offering one observation about the Germanic languages and that is that anything they put on a menu sounds perfectly awful like ‘Krebsfleisch’ for example.

But between you and me there’s worse, Currywurst comes to mind and it’s one of most popular fast foods in Germany as does ‘Grünkohl und Pinkel’ which roughly translated is ‘Green Cabbage and Piss Sausage,’ and even worse if you accurately translate it because the word ‘Pinkel’ in this form comes from the Low German word for ‘Mastdarm.’ And yes dear cuddly readers, the lovely word ‘Mastdarm’ can be translate as ‘rectum’ and so you end up with the delightful sounding dish of ‘Green Cabbage and Rectum.’ Yummy!

I could go on because the German language reads like something thought up my hysterical idiots and therefore creates words to describe food and all sorts of other things that are madder than mad.


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

I would like to tell you all about something new and rather nice that you can get from the Apple iBooks store, no not ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book you have been able to get that for ages, no something else rather wonderful. You can get John Woodcock’s brilliantly illustrated book the first in the series called ‘The Trams of Prague’

This heavily illustrated books created especially for iPads, Pods and Phones called Tram No 6 is the Naughtiest of Trams and it looks amazing.

If you would like to get this exceptional book the easy way, just click on this link:
Trams of Prague – Tram No6 is the Naughtiest of Trams


Don’t forget dear cuddly readers one and all that my translator’s heavily illustrated book has just been made available at the iBookstore or iTunes – what was it with Steve Jobs and all of the ‘i’s’?

To get whizzed straight to the store whatever it’s called just click on the picture of the cover of that wonderful book below.

Trams of Prague ePub Cover 2 1 13 225x225 75

Jun 062013
 

The longest word in the German language is about to disappear! That’s right grab a hanky and wave goodbye to ‘Germany’s longest word – Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz’ because soon, all too soon some say, the 63-letter long title of a law regulating the testing of beef, will officially ceased to exist.

“How can they do that?” One might ask and the reply probably would be, “what do you mean?” “Be daft enough to have a language that allows a word that is 63 letters in length or just get rid of a word overnight?”

And the answer would be! “Who cares?” This Cat is confident that the drawn hankies will only be used to wave goodbye and not need tumble drying after saying cheerio to this bizarre word, because all of the eyes in the audience will be dry.

Here is a reward for trying to get your tongue round this idiot of a noun ‘Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz’a picture of something you probably would prefer to get your tongue around, to say nothing of your teeth into!

Beef

I am confident that this juicy chunk of “Rindfleisch” pictured above (or beef steak to us normal people) was fully inspected and approved by the people working under the ‘Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz’law.

Happily the longest word ever to have been dreamed up by the tortured minds of the Germans ‘Donaudampfschifffahrtselektrizitätenhauptbetriebswerkbauunterbeamtengesellschaft’ is no longer used, which is not to say that the ‘Donaudampfschifffahrtselektrizitätenhauptbetriebswerkbauunterbeamtengesellschaft’ or ‘Association for Subordinate Officials of the Head Office Management of the Danube Steamboat Electrical Services.’ has ceased to exist they just call themselves the ‘ASOHOMDSES’ it is for you dear reader to decide if that is better than an 80 letter word of course.

Mark Twain was right when he said that. “Some German words are so long that they have a perspective.”

All of which makes us English speakers just a little wanting in the long lettered word stakes the longest word in the Oxford English Dictionary is ‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis’ and at a mere 45 letters is a bit pathetic especially when you know that a word that was ‘created’ especially to describe a disease and didn’t enter the language in the way that ‘normal’ words do.

About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

I would like to tell you all about something new and rather nice that you can get from the Apple iBooks store at last, yes it’s my wonderful first book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ so what are you waiting for you lovely Apple users?

May 092013
 

Yummy good old fashioned home prepared food Germany

Yummy home cooked food for all the family from Germany. The masters of Europe are an odd bunch aren’t they!

About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

I would like to tell you all about something new and rather nice that you can get from the Apple iBooks store at last, yes it’s my wonderful first book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ so what are you waiting for you lovely Apple users?

May 022013
 

They can t helpthemselves can they the Germans

TYPICAL!

About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

I would like to tell you all about something new and rather nice that you can get from the Apple iBooks store at last, yes it’s my wonderful first book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ so what are you waiting for you lovely Apple users?

Jun 262012
 

As followers of my blog may remember this weekend I followed in the footsteps of the Red Army and progressed through Poland, into the old GDR (East Germany sans Erich Honnecker obviously) and then on to Berlin.

Unlike the Red Army, after the war, I returned home, but I have come back with some great pictures.

Here is one of Görlitz, a medieval town that lies on the banks of the river Lusatian Neisse. Today they say that Görlitz is opposite the Polish town of Zgorzelec but actually they were the same town until 1945 but that doesn’t detract from its beauty.

Gorlitz

The town is so picturesque that several movies have been shot there, ‘The Reader,’ ‘Inglourious Basterds’ and ‘Around the World in 80 Days’ to name the only three I know, mind you I can dazzle you a little and show I was listening to the chap who was telling me all of this and now mention that Quentin Tarantino shot the movie-in-a-movie ‘Stolz der Nation (Pride of the Nation)’ for ‘Inglourious Basterds.’ Unfortunately for Görlitz the location of the story is Sicily!

The folks who made ‘Around the World in 80 Days’ used Görlitz as a location and shot the ‘Paris’ footage there, if you see what I mean.

So now onto the sign which I thought was rather jolly! It’s in German, a language that likes to bolt words together like oh I don’t know um… ‘Schwangerschaftverhütungsmittel’ which means contraceptive or even better ‘Unkameradschaftlichkeit’ which is a form (as if there are different types!!!) of unsporting-like behaviour!

Don t miss this in Germany

Yes you read it correctly and no I am not going illuminate here, I think it’s sufficient to say that the Germans have a ‘place’ for people who are old and a little unsavoury – must be all that sauerkraut I imagine!


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Dec 202011
 

As the title correctly says for a lot of us it is time nearly to slide into some shiny Gore-Tex, sharpen our elbows and practice being rude to anyone who gets in our way as preparation for attacking the nearest ski slope! Or it would be if you are going skiing anywhere that caters for the British and German riff raft tourist.

The areas blighted by these ignorant ski slope bullies include most of France, Austria and Italy and unfortunately a lot of the slopes on the west coast of the US.

If you want a nice quiet ski without being knocked over by some idiot who believes that they can ski in-between breaking a leg then the best place to go is, in my case, ‘local.’

There is of course is yet another reason to go ‘local’ this year and that reason is that a lot of the ‘popular’ (and for ‘popular’ just substitute ‘cheap’ ski resorts where the skiing riff raff assemble to knock each other over on the slopes by day and drink each other under the table by night) don’t actually have any snow – something to do apparently with global warming.

Still never mind about the riff raff happily they won’t be skiing where I am going skiing this year or indeed where we took a little Winter hol at the begging of this year, as you can see from the picture below we went to Switzerland at the beginning of the year.

I have to say that Switzerland is a spooky place. While we were up in the Swiss Mountains we decided to take a tour of the many and various Cheese and Watch factories instead of skiing it is amazing what you will do when you get bored isn’t it?

Anyway we hopped on the Snow-Express which is the name for a little coach tour can you imagine our surprise at the name of the tour company? Well happily though of you who are hard of understanding and imagining don’t have to imagine actually or indeed to imagine too hard because it’s on the back of the bright red coach below.

Swiss www

I have to say that after the unusual experience of our little wwwank-tour we felt rather glad to be back on the ski lifts the next day as you can imagine.

I have to say I love ski lifts, probably more than skiing, well you try skiing with four skis strapped to your feet! Skiing is hard enough to do when you just have the two! Although I don’t like the concept of snowboarding I’ve had a go a couple of times now and think that it’s really a way of getting down a snow covered mountain that was probably designed more for Cats to use than for humans. I took to it like a Duck to water.

So this year when I go skiing I won’t be getting someone to lug all of my skis to the slopes I will just get them to carry my snowboard instead.

Skilift

Although nothing to do with any of the above really, I mentioned that I was going off skiing in the New Year to Špindlerův Mlýn in the Krkonoše Mountains which is one of the highest and the most popular mountain ranges in Bohemia and indeed the Czech Republic’s best known ski areas and a nice group of Czech fans of The Cat who writes blogs made some Cat Cup Cakes just for me, aren’t they nice – the cup cakes and the fans!

Cat Cup Cakes


About the Author – The Cat who writes blogs!

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Nov 252011
 

Here is a big tip from a little financial genius ‘The Cat’ on Black Friday. Whatever you buy today and of course I hope it is at least a dozen of each of my books, do spend any Euros you have because it looks like the whole thing is going to come crashing down in flames and odd bits of nasty around the ears of the Germans and French leaving a sort of garlicky sausage smell in its wake.

Flaming Euro

And when the Euro balloon pop finally does go pop do you really think that there will be a lot of sour krauts around? Well the honest answer is no! Most of the Germans led by a shadowy ex-East German, who is only know by the code name Angela Merkel, want their beloved Deutsche Mark back as soon as possible and nothing whatever to do with the over sexed latin nations led by the folies at the Palais Bourbon, by the Seine.

I suppose you would like to know just how this clever Cat got all of the latest information, well it’s simple! Who notices a Cat as it slinks around the furniture even in the places and palaces of power, the answer is of course no one!

Just think of all of the information I collect as I wander the halls of power and fame, to say nothing of the things I see, here is a classic example of what I mean, a pushy German poking a pretend Russian muscleman who just after this picture was taken burst into tears complaining that “она была запугивание его, и что не было разрешено, потому что он крутой парень” or in English “she was bullying him and that was not allowed because he was a tough guy!” tee hee.

Putin Merkel The Cat

You would be surprised with what I have seen and heard and I have to say so am I! So if you want the inside track on world events then keep reading my blog, later I am off to an Hotel just off Rodeo Drive to keep an eye on an unmarried young member of the royal family and a junior officer in the British Army to see if he can not only keep it real but clean, although on past performances I doubt if he can do either!

Harrytitsthumb1

That is right prince harry we are watching you and of course all of the other Troggs of course!

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Jun 232011
 

In Turkey they know that the average human holidaymaker is um err, how can I put this? Oh yes, an idiot and so the instructions for using a toilet are posted for all to read in German, English.

Of course these instructions make a lot of sense, you should eat and then use the toilet but I am sure you will agree if you read just a few lines under the important announcement (section 2 especially) you will see that the person who wrote this sign was in fact a complete idiot!

I don’t think I recommend reading the instructions about the toilet paper though – ugh Turks are just plain disgusting, happily though now we know what the worst job in the world. It’s emptying the basket of used toilet paper at breakfast time!

It’s odd isn’t it when you see the ads on TV for holiday destinations like Turkey and the other places in the world where the word hygiene is probably use as a greeting rather than a word that refers to the set of practices perceived by a community to be associated with the preservation of health and healthy living, that the colourful ads showing the heart and soul of the country don’t dwell on the important things like oh say for instance that if you go to Turkey you are likely to contract some exotic disease from the unemptied basket in your toilet.

Sorry this Cat can’t write anymore I feel sick!

Toilet Turkey

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