Tag Archives: Getting Out Excerpts From A Cat’s Diary

I’ve Gone All Christmasy And Put Loads Of New Free On-Line Games On My Site

From today until somewhere around the 12th day of Christmas, or the end of January if I am feeling a little ‘Russian,’ (because the Russians celebrate the New Year’s holiday until almost the end of January) you will be able to celebrate Christmas with me on my www – wickedly wonderful website because I have added a lot of Christmasy treats like flashing Christmas lights and falling. But don’t take my word for it check out the snow and Christmas lights for yourself here www.thecatsdiary.com.

And not only do the Christmas lights flash but if you are getting more than a little frustrated by the Christmas crowds in the shops, the cost of all the Christmas presents you have to buy for people you hardly know and generally drowned in Christmas spirit you can get your own back on my perfect website just run your cursor over the pretty flashing Christmas lights and see what happens – tee hee!

No please don’t thank me it is all in a day’s work for a techno Cat who simply wants to entertain humans everywhere. Oh and of course to get them to buy his book which luckily you can do on my marvellous site www.thecatsdiary.com or here Amazon.com and if you want to order multiple copies well who am I to stand in your way? I’m far to fabulous and polite to do that!

I suppose most websites that aren’t www-wickedly wonderful websites, run by a clever, kind and cuddly Cat would just stop there with a few flashing Christmas lights and some expensive special effects!

But and it is a big Christmas ‘but,’I am a Cat you loves to give and of course entertain and that means that I have gone that extra mile for my readers this Christmas or as they would have it in Europe I have gone the extra kilometre and added even more of my amazingly popular online games, these on-line games are as usual free, fun and fully tested by me, I loved them as I know you will so enjoy them and if they help you cope with Christmas or indeed pass the time until ‘the’ day and you get your pressies that is all I ask for – apart from the “buying my book bit of course tee hee!”

Not all of the free on-line games are Christmasy play the Ice Slide Game and you can catapult your favourite unsuspecting polar animal as far as you can into the snowy distance. Obviously you have to help that nice polar animal avoid the snowy hazards as he or she flies through the air – did anyone say addictive? They certainly did!

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The more Christmasy Free On-line Games include:

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Holly A Christmas Tale Delux

A great game where you can enjoy a new version of what is regarded as a true holiday classic!

Holly: A Christmas Tale Deluxe tells the story of a young woman who falls asleep on Christmas Eve and dreams that she is helping Santa Claus deliver toys to children around the world. But is she really asleep? Or is what is happening real?

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The Toy Factory

Where you help Simon the Elf recover all the toys of Santa before midnight because by midnight the presents have to start being delivered and Simon is nowhere near ready and worried what Santa will say when he finds out!

I have added many more free on-line games, but don’t let me spoil the surprise just on just click here The Cat’s Game Page and you can always be sure that The Cat’s games are exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.

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I Know You All Like My Sign Pictures

This clever Cat knows that you all like my sign pictures because when I post them the sales of my wonderful book seem to rise – it could be coincidence of course but just in case it isn’t I have found too excellent signs just for you and if you feel like buying my masterpiece of feline literature please don’t let me stand in your way just click here Amazon.com or here www.thecatsdiary.com my book makes a great Christmas present for someone you really love of course hint hint.

These signs are brought to you by two of my favourite English language muggers the first shows that the state controls everything in China in a very confused way of course.

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I wonder why you would want to catch fish in private then have a romp in the water? The chinese are not only authoritarian they are weird as well!

The second ‘sign’ is from a menu from a small café in the Ukraine and describes a dish of a mother in law as far as I can tell I bet she isn’t any “illusion appetizer don’t you?

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Internet Search

Do you ever do what I believe is unfairly called a “vanity internet search?” No! Well maybe you should, it’s great fun and not at all vain – well at least I don’t think it’s vain and even if it is at least vanity is a form of self indulgence that doesn’t make you blind!

The other day – well yesterday to be honest – I hate the fact that Cat’s can’t tell a lie, don’t you? I pawed in my name into www.bing.com, (I try not to use www.google.com for all of the reasons I’ve bored you with over the years, although that might change soon because next year they have asked to sell the ebook version of my award winning book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ through their new Google eBooks thingy that you may have read about – bless them) and guess what I saw a new image of me and it is, I have to say, pretty much like all of the other great pictures of me – wonderful.

So I thought I would share the new image of me with you good readers, you can find it for yourselves if you want to on the Kindle edition page on Amazon.com but I know that basically humans are lazy and so I thought I would not only add a link to the page but also show you the wonderful picture.

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You have to admit it is a great portrait isn’t it – just look at that unblinking stare, the strong chin, my chiseled features, those lush furry ears and sharp eyes, mmh maybe I’ll stop there I think I am beginning to sound a little sinister!

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Alright Mr. De Mille I’m Ready For My Close Up Now!

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In answer to all of the rumours flying around the web, like litter around the Pyramids in Egypt, about the forthcoming movie of my bestselling book and work of genius ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary” all I can say at this moment is “yes!”

Unfortunately the ‘yes’ that I am affirming is a ‘yes’ that I continue to want to make the movie of my wonderfully entertaining which has made good people laugh from Peru to Peterborough via Pittsburgh, though sadly not the People’s Republic of China because I dared to expose their Cat and Dog eating habits.

So, how far have I managed to get with the movie moguls? Well further than you would think for a Cat who is busy writing another blockbuster book although along the way I have not made many friends but then who does if you tell the truth all the time especially to movie moguls?

At the end of the day after various trips to the land of Holly and Wood I would say that probably next year we are going to have a major announcement! It would seem that the main sticking point at the moment is the question “does the Cat have legs?”

I have pointed downwards every time they asked the question but I think they want to know if there are going to be more hilarious books from this champion of feline literature and the answer is yes!

As I have said before to the movie people just let me get on with the new book/books now and they can work on the first movie I blame Harry Potter everyone wants a series of movies now but let’s face it if Anne Frank can have a movie made of her diary then they have to go for mine now, it’s much funnier and you have to ask yourself “what has she done since?” Don’t you?

You can get my book and make your own decision on whether it should be a movie or not here Amazon.com don’t forget you can always get a copy of my perfect book from my www.thecatsdiary.com where ever you buy it it will make a wonderful Christmas present and so why not treat yourself and all of your family friends, the butcher, baker and anyone else deserving especially Firemen who are wonderful.

By the way if you want to get into the Christmas spirit and have the snow falling across your webpage while you read my wonderful blogs in December then you’ll have to go to http://blog.thecatsdiary.com this year because unfortunately there is a bug in the WordPress blog thingy and it messes up the entire page, still never mind my boffins have boffed the same thing for you on the blog page of my www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com.

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Macy’s Parade – One Day

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Ok paws up I have to admit that the picture I have here has been ‘doctored’ and I wasn’t in this year’s parade – your shocked mmh maybe I should have kept my mouth shut but you know Cats cant lie – worst luck we would be so much better at big business and politics if we could.

I have to also admit that the picture wasn’t ‘doctored’ very well – but what can you expect if you outsource things like this to India? – Not a lot is the answer! Just look at the standard of Disney and Dreamworks animation these days!

Still honesty aside for a moment one day I will really be in a Macy’s Parade, I promise, and it will be soon after my movie based on my worldbeatingunputdownable book – I have added world beating bit to my usual word describing my book because someone has stolen my word ‘unputdownable’ shame they didn’t search for a life rather than wonderful new words to steal – sorry where was I?

Oh yes my new movie – well what can I say? I am closing in on a deal which happily is based on the sales of my wonderful book of course; it almost goes without saying is available here Amazon.com and here on my ‘www’ “wickedly wonderful website” –  www.thecatsdiary.com happily at the moment no one has stolen my term for my website – but I suppose it is only a matter of time!

Unfortunately it is not like I am that little rat Mickey Mouse who just announces that he wants to make another comeback and gets a movie deal immediately. I have had to fight tooth and claw to even get into the movie mogul’s offices – well eventually I did it through a synagogue and a Steven Spielberg disguise, of course, but that is another story! I don’t want to get all Sarah Palin on you here!

So the movie of the book will come one day and you know how determined I am to be up there in lights, to say nothing of floating above your heads in a Macy’s Parade on Thanksgiving – there is just one thing that I am a little worried about and that is after the parade – yes I saw Mickey ‘nudging’ a Smurf in a way that should only be demonstrated on dolls but that is not what I meant about being worried about what happens after the parade! I have learned to keep my back against the wall dealing with all of those movie types.

What I am worried about is that in order to take part in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade you have to be able to float so they fill you up with Helium – fair enough! But and it is a great big one, ‘but’ what happens when they let the gas out? Do you make a series of loud inappropriate noises or is it just one long one? If anyone knows or has indeed had large amounts of gas in the past please can you let a worried Cat know exactly what happens – many thanks.

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It Was Snowing!

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Today I got up just like any other normal day, hopped out of the bedroom window and into the very tall Pine tree outside. A devastatingly dangerous maneuver which I accomplish every day with not only elegance but also bravery and most of all style.

Outside it had started to rain and the Pine needles were giving off a sort of ‘Badedas’ aroma which if you happen to know what ‘Badedas’ actually is will tell you that I paused for a little while to enjoy the Pine Freshness while I got lightly soaked, but it was worth getting wet just to breath in the aroma.

After I had wriggled and squirmed my way down the centre of the tree, in a sort of worm like ‘on your belly like action’ I stepped out onto the grass which was wet and really very cold, actually I think that was when I noticed that the rain was very cold and to be honest it wasn’t really rain anymore it was sleet. I have always thought that sleet was nasty and insidious stuff which creeps into you fur and makes even a warm cuddly Cat feel cold.

To shelter from the sleet and try to stay warm I hopped, skipped and jumped under the cover of some beautiful white Chrysanthemums and started to – err well how can I put it? I did what I do every morning and night and sometimes at midday depending upon how the fancy takes me and my um, err ‘needs.’

No! You still haven’t worked out what I was doing? Humans! I was going to the toilet of course! Cats prefer an outdoor convenience whenever possible and so would you if you had to scrape around in a litter tray and although I don’t like plugging my wonderful book “Getting Out Excerpts From A Cats Diary” the Cat being me of course – you can read all about litter trays in it and if the fancy takes you buy it here Amazon.com and if you don’t want to feed a giant multinational you can always feed a really good looking Cat and get a copy from my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com.

So I was doing my ‘business’ as my Mum used to call it – she didn’t actually she was far to mock posh for that, but it is a great euphemism don’t you think? Then the sleet turned to snow right there in front of my eyes, now wonder the rain had been so cold nature was working herself up into a frosty frenzy!

I can tell you that I very quickly did a cover up that most politicians would envy, and made a snowy dash for the Pine tree and the warmth of my bedroom.

Have I mentioned my translator John Woodcock I do quite often in my wonderful book (see above) he is not the most exceptional member of the human race and when you humans actually finish your ‘race’ I expect him to be very close to the back. Like most marathon runners these days he will get a medal because have you noticed any idiot who can stumble across any ‘open’ charity marathon after 12 or so hours still ‘wins’ something! Only humans could do that because everyone has to be a winner – you are all quite mad.

Oops I interrupted myself didn’t I! Where was I – oh yes my translator, mmh guess what my ‘gifted’ translator did today, just to annoy me I think? He closed the window, yes of course it was the window I had so elegantly, stylishly and bravely leapt from only minutes before and indeed the window I use up to three times a day unless I have ‘eaten something’ if you know what I mean and have to use it more regularly and in a hurry.

Me? Oh you’re concerned. You want to know what happened next and in particular to ‘me’ – you are so kind and of course the best sort of humans – my cuddly fans. I bumped my cold nose on the close icy unforgiving glass that is what happened to ‘me!’

Then I sat on the very cold and extremely wet windowsill and got annoyed. When that didn’t work I pawed at the window in frustration and when that failed I cried as pitifully as I could! You must know that sound it’s the stock and trade of any trapped, bored or playful Cat, the “I’m stuck up a tree sound.”

It’s brilliant and works every time, usually a fire engine will turn up and I had great expectations for that very occurrence, passers by were stopping and pointing into the sky and ‘windoward’ (if that is a word).

Unfortunately, because I like a scene, the fire brigade or Hasiči as the fire brigade are called here in the Czech Republic didn’t attend this Cat emergency because the idiot translator heard the very loud cries of the Cat on the windowsill – namely me of course. The noise may have broken some windows somewhere and caused nightmares in little children but in my defence I believe that the volume of the screams was merely proportional to the emergency.

The window opened (though I noticed not very wide, obviously to not let in the cold and snow hrrumph!) and I scampered in making as much noise as I could while running over the bed covers, polished desk and scatter rugs, then with a flourish to finish the polished hardwood floor. It is astonishing just how much mud one can collect on four paws and then distribute liberally around someone’s home if ‘one’ is very annoyed.

As usual in these circumstances there were some benefits on the fringe and quite right too I say – I was given a bowl full to the brim of fresh Prawns which was nice, but I expect more this afternoon and some Tuna would help to salve my dented pride for supper and if it isn’t too much trouble to ask i would be delighted if the window was left open while I am outside taking my ‘constitutional’ as Gladstone or Queen Victoria probably called ‘it.’

There is one thing that you may be able to help me with dear reader because this question has always bugged the paws off me because I just can’t seem to find the answer and you all know that I am a genius which of course makes all of this even more frustrating – who is Christmas Carol and why is she so famous at Christmas, and what on earth does she do for the other 48 weeks of the year?

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Goodbye Broken Mac Mini – Hello New Mini Mac!

For anyone interested my brand new day old Mac Mini is going to the place that they send useless pieces of electronics soon. You may remember that I have had a problem with it unless of course you are suffering from Alzheimer’s of something.

Yesterday I spoke to Apple customer service because as you may recall the retailer unhelpfully suggested as they were busy counting my money and washing their hands of my problem. Of course I was dreading speaking to Apple customer service – let’s face it the word ‘service’ doesn’t fit nicely with the word ‘customer’ these days so I was dreading trying to get my point over to someone who didn’t really give a damn or worse was Indian and thought that they spoke English obviously my first language is ‘Cat’ and my second language English but in my experience Indian customer service people’s English is closer to Cat than the sort of English I and the rest of the English speaking world get by on. Not only that I have found that I get these poor souls very confused but that is just in my nature I suppose.

So imagine my surprise when I spoke to Apple customer service and the young man from Newcastle was very understanding (no wonder Apple is so successful if this is a taste of what they are like these days).

The Apple customer service chap and I discussed all of the options open to someone who can’t hear themselves think above the noise of a defective hard drive, all of which this desperately intelligent Cat (in this case I was ‘desperate’ and ‘intelligent’) had tried before I decided that I had to throw in the towel. Then the Apple customer service chap listened to the drive when I put the phone on speakerphone just to demonstrate what I had put up with all afternoon and wasn’t prepared to put up with for the life of the computer.

“That isn’t right!”He suggested helpfully!

“I thought that.” I replied.

There was one trick up his sleeve (I have always thought that you humans are lucky to have sleeves and tricks up them) he suggested an SMC start, you do this by shutting down the computer and waiting ten seconds. You have to disconnect everything except the power supply and so that makes ten seconds fly by frankly. Then you simply have to press and hold the power button for five seconds as you start the computer. For all trainee computer nerds reading this SMC stands for ‘System Management Controller’ and is the process that controls the fans, heat sensors and indeed start up and sometimes helps to make loud hard drives shut up a bit.

After we play the trick from his sleeve the nice Apple customer services man gave up and said that the Mini Mac should be replace obviously the hard drive was fitted so badly by the Chinese, as they raced to get another unit off the production line and out into the world and grab even more dollars, that it was never going to work properly.

I have said this before it is such a shame and a terrible waste of time, effort and the environment that we have what seems to be ‘everything’ knocked up badly in China and then shipped to us in the west, we have to stop it and so I am afraid to say that we have to stop buying lovely new Kitchen appliances, Indian rugs (made in China tee hee), furniture, Macs, iPhones, other computers and just about everything else before we forget how to make things in the west.

Of course you could say that I would say that because I have just arranged to have my new Mac Mini replaced – I did mention I was a clever Cat though didn’t I? Tee hee!

So on to today’s picture! Well it had to be a Mini Mac didn’t it? And I thought as it was getting ever closer to Christmas and pocket book raiding time I would add a picture of a nice Mini Mac with a picture of the cover of my wonderful book which is waiting in warehouses around the world to be shipped to you so that over Christmas instead of cooking for the children, being nice to your spouse and feeding the Dog you can lock yourself away somewhere cosy and read what has been called a masterpiece of feline literature and not only by me, though of course I may have started the rumour!

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Your can, of course, buy my book from any book shop anywhere in the world but here are some alternative suggestions at Amazon.com and as regular readers of my blog will tell you – possibly with a sigh you can of course always get a signed copy of my marvellous book from my www.thecatsdiary.com.

and so much more – and most of what is there you don’t have to pay for which is handy these days isn’t it?

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Photographic Competition Winners And The Young

Recently the results of a photo competition run by the Sunday Times, the British Tourist Board and the people who don’t do a very good job of looking after the railway network were announced and while the winner of the main prize produced a stunning picture of Corfe Castle in Dorset very near to where this Cat lived a long while ago I have to say, the entrant that this Cat liked best of all was from a much younger person.

Don’t get me wrong – Corfe Castle, Dorset, taken by Antony Spencer is an excellent photograph it has everything that was needed to win a British landscape photo competition and it also proves that Mr. Spencer takes his art very serious and gets up very early in the morning and makes meticulous plans to achieve stunning results.

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On the other paw “Breakfast View,” by Taliesin Coombes from Cardiff who won the ‘Young Landscape Photographer of the Year’ competition demonstrates everything that is great about young people he wanted to win a prize, he didn’t want to get up early in the morning and most of all he wanted a full English breakfast, toast and a cup of tea and the result is perfection. One thing I would ask is where is the pepper and salt because I don’t like the brown Sauce (HP)? But what and idea! What a picture! And what a nice tasty breakfast!

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You know I have a feeling that if I had submitted the photograph on the cover of my book I would have won first prize, especially if there was a category for “amazingly talented daredevil Cats” – maybe next year, what do you think?

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In the meantime if you need to get a copy of my wonderful photograph then happily you can get one or more here at Amazon.com or of course you can always get a signed copy of my marvellous book from my www.thecatsdiary.com.

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I Know That It Is Nowhere Near Christmas – BUT!

I don’t want to worry any of my readers, except the ones who haven’t bought my book yet but there is, I have heard, been a bit of a run on stocks of my wonderful book “Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary” recently and I have been told by my rather panicky and excitable publisher that there is a possibility that supplies of my wonderful and eminently readable book might be in short supply this Christmas – a little like a Disney Buzz Lightyear toy and all of the other must have toys of the past.

With this in mind my advice to anyone wanting to buy my book for themselves or as a wonderful gift for a loved one is to get at least one copy now – just think if you buy two or more you’ll probably be able to sell the others at a massive profit like the person at at Amazon.com who is currently charging double for his or her copy and they have probably read it – I call that a ‘result’ don’t you?

If they have run out at Amazon.com don’t forget you can always get a copy of my perfect book from my www.thecatsdiary.com.

It looks like this –

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More Than A Work Of Art

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Someone once described the photograph of me on the cover of my wonderful best selling masterpiece “Getting Out – Excerpts From A Cat’s Diary” which you can get here Amazon.com as a work of art and I sincerely believe that they were speaking the truth.

I found this picture of an astonishingly good looking, well read and cultured clever Cat, for a moment I thought it was me! But then I realised that the artist Charles Wysocki had probably just seen a photograph of me and wanted to use me as the perfect model.

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Looking through the book on the bookshelf I have to say I thoroughly recommend the volume on the lower shelf ‘The Sardine,’ when I read this magical book I found it to be not only insightful but also a tender loving story with a very happy and satisfying ending.

While we are talking about the books in the picture and not me does anyone know where I can get a copy of ‘Delicious Field Mice I have Known’ and who wrote it? As yet I haven’t read it but now that I know of it, it is top of my reading list.

One last thought about my book with the wonderful cover, if you don’t own and treasure a copy already just click over to Amazon.com and you can get one, actually if you do own and treasure a copy of my wonderful book why not treat yourself to a second or third copy I say?

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