Tag Archives: Getting Out Excerpts From A Cat’s Diary

Off tomorrow

Hi to all my lovely cuddly readers as you know I am going to Siberia to see if I can find some of my enormous relations, the Siberian Tiger being the largest feline on the planet, but sadly not for much longer if the idiot Russians have their way.

All of which means that from today my blogs will be few and far between and so here are some instructions for you all.

The first – obviously is if you come across a poor soul who hasn’t read my books you sent them to Amazon.com immediately to order both.

And the second instruction is be good! I won’t be here to take care of you and keep an eye on you but as you can see from the picture below I am leaving someone in charge although I think the picture I decided to use might just have a mixed message.Naughty Jesus!

Mixed messages New Mexico


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Poor little things!

What can I say about this picture?

Poor little things

Oh I know! Like everything when nipples get tired or sick they need a place to get better – how was that? Perfectly restrained and with great taste I thought! What about you?


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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The sun is shining and the sky is blue

It would seem that my last few days here in Prague are being rewarded by lots of sunshine, though I have to say it’s a bit nippy, but unfortunately not as nippy as it is going to be in Siberia, although at the moment it’s raining and not snowing where we are landing.

While I am there I want to do a lot of Cat things and although sampling local Prawns from the River Ob which was turned into a sea, (yes you read that right, the Soviets flooded the area for a Hydroelectric Dam project that ultimately went a bit pear shaped and in the process of building it wiped out millions of acres of pristine wild places) is at the top of my list of things to do, as it should be for any seasoned traveller.

But like any seasoned traveller I want to also want to meet some of the locals both wild and domesticated.

I am sure to meet a Siberian Cat or two, which will be nice, like most Cats they are ‘old’ Cats, some of the originals of the Cat clan as it were, and have been around on , mainly in Siberia which is how they got their name, for 1000 years.

Siberian Cat

Siberian Cats are now prized additions to many an American household since they started to move to the states after the iron curtain came down.

Now I don’t know if I will be lucky enough to see any of these fine fellows (below), or if I do bump into them whether I wouldn’t be considered to be more of an entree than lunch, but if I could just observe them from a safe distance through binoculars that would be marvellous.

2 Siberian Tigers

Imagine just being in the same (safe) place as the Siberian or Amur Tiger what a treat. Sadly because the Russians are so bad at looking after their wildlife, forests and everything else that isn’t oily or gassy the Siberian Tiger is close to extinction. There are just a few hundred of them left on the planet, what a sad state of affairs for the biggest Cat in the world at the moment, if that is, there are any of them left!

Sadly the law that protected Tigers from the Russians, the poachers, the illegal deforestation and bribery of corrupt park rangers is virtually non-existent and like most species who are prized by sick people for their fur, teeth, bones and tusks, such as the immensely rich and misguided Chinese, the wonderful Siberian Tiger is probably going to follow its kin in Korea who it seems are extinct already.

Lastly here is one little point about someone less important than Siberian Tigers, in the part of Siberian I’m off to the internet connection ranges from poor to non-existent and so if you don’t hear from me for a couple of weeks from this Friday don’t worry, if you don’t hear from me for longer than that then do please get concerned, panic, arrange search and rescue parties and start to worry a lot!


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Facebook, odd, funny but not really friendly!

The Cat Portrait2

Hi all, you probably know something is wrong or has annoyed me when I say hello before I write my blog and I am spitting teeth today.

As you probably know by now if you are one of my original fans I loathe facebook for all sorts of reasons and have never used it to promote my books, blog or any other wonderful cat products, they have sold themselves by recommendation and word of mouth happily.

I also hate facebook because of their lazy use of the letter ‘f’ and the fact that Apple and other of the other spell checkers around the world try to change their name because they thought it would be trendy to use a lower case ‘f.’

Mind you I also think that it is a bit odd that even facebook’s own spellchecker will change your ‘proper’ use of their name – but then that is probably more to do with my computer when I think about it – BUT IT IS STILL ANNOYING!!!!

Today I have been trying to talk to facebook because they accused me, yes the Cat of being a spammer, what sort of a bunch a bunch of things you sit on and the holes between are they?

They obviously don’t read the messages people like me send out to other ‘friends’ on their system and I use the word ‘friends’ lightly here of course, no they just seem to assume that if you do what I imagine 90% of all of the other facebook users do and that is not write anything and just do a lot of clicking and playing of inane games you are obviously spamming. I do wish they could read, but even more so I do wish that there was some way of contacting the idiots and telling them just how wrong they are.

As I wrote on my page facebook “seems to have a lot in common with North Korea, lots of accusations, a couple of spineless informers, no trial and loads of punishment for a crime I didn’t commit.”

No wonder the value of facebook is tumbling!

As you may or may not know I was a member, friend or whatever they call it before on facebook back in the old days when I was ‘allowed’ to use my identity, The Cat but now all that has changed or so it seems and poor old John Woodcock my translator has to have the label as ‘spamming bastard’ well it doesn’t suit him because it isn’t true all because I can’t have a facebook page now.

Why? I hear all of my very cuddly readers ask was I bothering with such an inferior website such as facebook when I have such a superior blog and website and a new addition to my website coming soon well the simple answer to that is (as I said on facebook just a minute or two ago) that I have decided that I am not getting anywhere with the hollywood types I have been dealing with about the movie of my masterpiece of feline literature “Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary” and have decided to make it myself, my Mum used to say “if you want anything doing then do it yourself!” And that seems like good advice.

So what I have done so far is to persuade the accused spamming bastard above to drop a movie project about, of all things, Dogs and do something useful, namely a movie about me, well it might be a TV series we will see.

At the moment I am putting everything together, I have a colleague in South Carolina where we will make a base for the movie and I plan to bring together a lot of very of very talented people, but having said that I may just have to run with the team I can assemble but and it is a big one, I am going to put my project up on a crowd funding site called Kickstarter.

By the time I am ready it will probably be there by the middle of November especially as I will be away from Cat HQ from next Friday for 10 days, I am going to Siberia of all places to make a film!

So do look out for me spreading the word about my little Kickstarter project, I am trying to think of some really great rewards for all of your hard earned folding stuff and just think this time soon you could be watching me on a silvery screen near you – how cool would that be?


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Back to School

Do you think that bad teachers leads to underage drinking and alcoholism in later life?

Back to school before you break open the drinks cabinet

Or do you think that bad teachers should be committed or as the genius who commissioned this sign prefers “committed.”

Commited  they should be


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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We should stop making fun of foreigners!

Don’t you think it’s terrible of us English speakers to make fun of foreigners who try to speak English?

I know that when I was learning English people made fun of me when I tried to pronounce English words but frankly ‘Cat’ pronunciation is so very different to human speech that I am surprised I can make myself understood at all and when it comes to writing… well you have to remember that Cat’s don’t have a written language which means that the mere fact I can speak and write English is a work of considerable genius. Or is that the work of a considerable genius? You decided I am too modest to say.

When I hear people making fun of others wrestling with English I tend to feel very sorry for the poor devils who are being laughed at, except when it’s the French but that goes without saying doesn’t it?

I also feel terrible when I see articles or indeed blogs making fun of foreign words that are innocent in the language they were being used in but tend to make us English speakers fall over with laugher.

Below is a good example of what I am talking about a chemist shop in Brazil!

A Chemist with a problem Brazil

Human language is funny isn’t it!


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Does this look ‘reasonably’ familiar?

Facebook

Hello to all my dear cuddly readers, yes you are right the picture does look familiar! Not only are you well acquainted with the marvellous pictures of yours truly but you might know the struggling website I am gracing them with.

Yes that’s right I have decided to help poor little Marky Zuckerberg and add my support to his, oh what do they call those awful things, oh yes “social network.”

I prefer to think of them as captive advertising sites where you have no choice but to ‘like’ Nike, personally I can’t think of anything much worse than doing that, well oh ‘liking’ Mitt Romney just might be pushing the boundaries of taste!

facebook no I said facebook – sorry Apple currently likes facebook and so although the silly sods there called their site, err sorry social network facebook Apple keeps autocorrecting the word, unlike I have to add – google, android, samsung (even though they gave Apple shed loads of cash recently, or indeed microsoft, Apple’s spell checker just thinks that microsoft is just a misspelt word and underlines it in red, mind you I think I detect a thaw in the relationship there, type in Microsoft with an uppercase ‘M’ and Apple with leave you to your own devices and say nothing.

All of which means I have moved away from the point, ho hum, which is! I am ‘on’ facebook and apart from gathering nice cuddly friends it is something of a let down. I didn’t expect dancing girls and fireworks when I joined of course, but after filling in all of the information like religion – “catolick” though I can’t understand why I can’t use a capital C when typing the name of my religion on facebook I am sure that Zuckerberg Inc allow Jews and Muslims to capitalise the names of their religions.

Maybe us catolicks just aren’t radical enough and I should ‘suggest,’ no that isn’t a radical enough word, maybe I should ‘demand’ that us catolicks get the same rights as all of the other religions of the world, or we’ll, mmmh need a big threat quick, oh yes or we’ll eat all the Prawns in the world.

And don’t even get me started on my political views or my language skills, why can’t I enter ‘Cat’ I speak it? Since when has Democat not been a political party? I am a fully paid up member so why can’t I proudly announce to the world that I am one, why does Facebook (oh autocorrector you beat me) not let me enter my deeply held political beliefs?

Still I did manage to put up some nice pictures of my pals, Burt the Black & White Cat is there, Randolph the Mountaineering Cat is there (well his last known picture is) and loads of other wonderful friends all I need now is your pictures on my page so that we can start doing what you do on a social network and that is to sell you things by the bucketful!


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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I wonder what they were thinking?

Am I the only Cat (but please read ‘person’ here) to think that there is something wrong with this shopping centre ‘Baby Station?’ Surely that microwave is only big enough for one baby at a time and there is loads of seating!

Warning only one baby at a time please

I love the instructions on how to use a microwave glued to the door don’t you? Just another sign of dumb Britain.


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Oh dear! Mouthwash to make you throw up!

Ok so we know that the mouthwash was ‘formulated in the USA’ but where on earth was the copy for the label written?

I tend to think China, where they would have copied the design of the bottle and everything else about the product even lying that the stuff was formulated in the US of A, what do you think?

For best results throw up mouthwash into the glass


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Look at what popped out of by in box

Here is something that was sent to me anonymously and as soon as you can see the picture you can see why.

The email was of course signed ‘a friend.’

Photo 1

What I would like to know in all of the fury that followed the publication of the future queen’s boobs (if the marriage lasts that long of course and the British royal family have an appalling track record on fidelity and long lasting marriages) is why no one yet criticised Katie poo for getting her rather ordinary human mammary glands out in the first place, aren’t queens and future queens supposed to be paragons of virtue? Obviously not these days and I blame the parents don’t you?

Their behaviour could be matched by any of the normal, ordinary, everyday’ people who the currently are criticised for losing their way morally who can blame them when they have Kate and whatever her husband is called, his father and uncles as role models they are worse than alley Cats and of course this cat should know meeeow!!!!!!!

Obviously it is impossible for andy royal to behaviour like ladies and gentlemen because of their much vaunted ancestors. When you think about it all through history the British royal family have always had appalling manners and morals, so Kate and the no neck she is married too fit in nicely.

Although unrelated I have to say that the other day I was think about the royal family and the latest female addition and her family and it occurred to me that Kate and the other Middleton Frau who’s name escapes me together with their Mum and Dad are very much like the Boleyn’s of Henry VIII fame. They seem to be merely after fame, fortune and appear to lack any real morals.

So I do hope that the ten pound note above does eventually go into circulation because to my way of thinking it perfectly sums up Britain and the British royal family, to my way of thinking they deserve each other!


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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