Tag Archives: Getting Out Excerpts From A Cat’s Diary

Some More Personal Information

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A lot of people ask me about me, and although I am a subject that I never tire of speaking about I feel do have to admit that I feel dreadfully limited when talking about myself and that is simply because I am wonderful, have done so much, am so good looking and of course have endless talent all of which means I just don’t have enough time to tell people who are interested in me, about me, to say nothing of the people who aren’t interested in me.

Of course I have pondered what to do about this dilemma and happily have come up with what I am sure you will agree is quite a brilliant little ruse.

I thought I would, on an occasional basis, share some of my likes, dislikes, thoughts and so much more with you in little one line statements of truth!

It is better to call them ‘truths’ so that no one bothers to check to see if they are actually true! Have you noticed that it is something politicians learned many years ago around the time they also learned to shed their skins, to say nothing of the art of pretending to be in control when things have got so bad that if they were driving a car instead of running a country the steering wheel would have come off in their hands just as the speedo reached 160 mph, which of course converted for our metric only readers is um… very fast indeed.

So here, you lucky people is my little fact of the day, it is of course all about me and utterly true!

The largest number of books I’ve sat on, at one time, is 13!

Now don’t forget that you can also discover so much more about me if you buy my masterpiece of a book “Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary” which is still available at Amazon.com for next to nothing and have been described as wonderful not only by the author!

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Bonus Blog – Read Here Please!

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In response to one contributor I have added a special bonus blog today which is of course free of charge but if you feel ‘disposed’ after you have relieved yourselves you can send a donation to help keep this blog free?

Sorry I got confused with the free Wikipedia service for a moment and didn’t manage to comment on the word disposed did I?

It has always seemed to me that the word – ‘disposed’ that is – is not used nearly enough, we often hear the someone or the other is ‘indisposed,’ but rarely if ever that they are back up and running and are now ‘disposed’ to do whatever it is that we were all disappointed that they didn’t do in the first place.

Assuming you followed that last sentence then the next leap of logic is just a small very manageable one, here hold my paw and let’s jump together!

So if there is a word disposed STOP I checked there is! Then it is a little redundant and under used, and that is sad for a word it has to be said, yes the word has to be said and of course the comment has to be said as well, it is sad for a word to be so neglected.

In my role as self appointed “Shepherd of the English Language” I feel that it is my duty to herd words like ‘disposed’ back into general use and I am sure that you will agree I am doing a pretty good job with the word ‘disposed’ aren’t I?

The trouble with ‘disposed’ I think is that when you hear that someone is ‘indisposed’ it sort of suggests that they have a lot of troubles doesn’t it?

Ok I usually think that someone who is ‘indisposed’ is stuck in the loo and is not able to complete the task that they went in there for, if you see what I mean and using the most polite way to describe what they went into the loo for without saying that they went off for a poo and couldn’t! Oops!

So if we generally agree on what ‘indisposed’ means or what it suggests to us simple folk then imagine if we were to hear that the Queen, a Film Star or a Politician (have fun and insert a name here) was ‘disposed’ we would for, hopefully, a very brief moment imagine them sighing with relief as, how can I put this, “things happened!”

Not a pretty sight in the mind’s eye is it, but then I have to insist that it is not the fault of the word ‘disposed’ that we think like that is it, it is of course because of our over active imagination and of course the knowledge that ‘poo’ jokes work on every level!

Anyway I am glad we cleared that up, the real point of the bonus blog, yes this one, is that I mentioned that it was Snowing and ‘V’ cold here metrically and um-di-dum-dit-itly (what is the opposite of metric I don’t know)!

Anyway some kind reader the type I like who has bought, read and enjoyed my blockbusting book “Getting Out Excerpts From A Cat’s Diary” written by this good looking Cat I have to confess and available here Amazon.com asked me to describe what it was like outside in the snow and frost at home in snowy Tunbridge Wells and so because I always do what my faithful readers suggest, blindly and stupidly as it turned out!

Earlier today I went outside into a very white world, I did a better job of Capt’n Scott of Antartic fame in getting to my objective across the ice and snow, in my case my objective was the top of the drive and the very peaceful and deserted road.

When I got to the top of the drive I looked out over the landscape it was very white, soft, curvy and clean, like a 1940’s B Moviestar’s bum. Carefully I felt the ice beneath my paws and was just about to lick the snow, as instructed once again, when I slipped and fell over.

As I slid down the footpath I bumped into Mrs. Plasticmac who you may have heard of if you have bought my book, she is the Cat rescuing cretin from across the road and down a bit, she slipped and joined me on the ground and we both slid down the hill like a mis-matched Winter Olympic Bobsleigh team that had turned over on the first bend and were still hurtling down the course because we were trapped inside and far too incompetent to do anything about our situation.

It was as always just my luck to see out of the corner of my eye a massive snow plow heading up from the direction of the Chief Constable’s house.

The snow plow was upside down which I thought was a little odd, but then I realised that it wasn’t upside down at all and worse we Mrs. Plasticmac and I were going to be snow blown any second now.

This was a first for me as it happened and of course after it happened I was too dizzy to ask if Mrs. Plasticmac had ever been blown in the snow before? But then as she was in shock she probably wasn’t in any fit state to comment, talk or indeed stop making odd squeaking noises and dribbling.

Me! Oh I was ok, thanks for asking! As the lighter of the two objects ‘blown’ by the snow plow’s blower I somehow got caught up in Mrs. Plasticmac’s sensible tweed skirt and (unfortunately) thermal underwear and so I missed most of the nastier bits of the snow blowing experience, although until I crawled out of Mrs. Plasticmac’s under things I thought I had gone blind because it was so dark in there!

Still I slipped out easily enough, hopped onto the branch of a tree and carefully climbed down from the roof back to the safety of the ground and into the warm arms of a nice friendly neighbour.

Mrs. Plasticmac had, I thought decided to take the opportunity of clinging to a neighbour’s chimney to take in the view out across the snow covered fields and woodland and I had to admire her, it was jolly cold up there and as a wind had got up and it was beginning to snow heavily rather game of her I thought!

As usual the Firemen were wonderful and in a jiffy, well three hours, is not a jiffy I know, but there was a blizzard to contend with of course they started the ‘recovery’ operation. And what a very complicated operation it was to recover Mrs. Plasticmac.

The Firemen used a blowtorch to melt the bits of Mrs. Plasticmac’s clothing that had become completely frozen to the chimney and after quite a while, I have to say, they managed to get her down.

You know I was happy for Mrs. Plasticmac in two ways, that was the second time she had been blown in a day, which probably for her was something of a record, and of course she would have something interesting to talk about at coffee mornings now, well after she leaves hospital of course.

Isn’t it funny there is always a bright side to everything you just sometimes have to really root around to find it don’t you?

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Can You Imagine?

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I heard today that there are several rivers in Europe that are frozen over because it is so cold, here if you are interested (in Prague where am currently) it is minus nine degrees C! Now I have no idea what that is in good old fashioned English degrees of cold, but I imagine that it could quite easily be described as “bloody cold” and very close to “Brass Monkeys” – ask me to explain the latter low temperature terminology at your peril har ha.

Anyway one could rightly describe Europe and, I believe, all sorts of other places where my wonderful book “Getting Out Excerpts From A Cat’s Diary” (still available at Amazon.com) is actually even more popular like the sublime US of A as icy.

So what is happening? Global Warming? Mmh me thinks not, correct me if I am wrong but doesn’t the title “Global Warming” tend to sort of suggest that we all should be clip clopping around in Hawaiian shirts, shorts and flip flops, well the humans anyway, flip flops just don’t suit me.

Oh I pray that the idiots like Bono and Al the Gore who have been going around getting fat telling us just how bad we are and how dreadful the planet is going to be because we didn’t clean the corners of our bedrooms properly, are wrong!

Sadly I don’t suppose they are and of course all the time they fly around the world telling us that we are all going to fry, they are proving themselves right, because they are adding to the pollution that they jabber on about so much. Its just that they are so… so… aren’t they, gosh even the Pope isn’t as holy as Bono is he?

Mmh now where is the point of this blog, what have I done with it, oh look there it is nice and safe.

So the frozen rivers huh? By the way -9C is around -16F or in other words very chilly and that is the beginning (again) of my point, it is cold, some say – well the BBC News and you believe what they say at your peril I know – the coldest winter on record and the records go back to around the 16th Century here in Pres Bush’s Old Europe.

If that is the case then just imagine this! The River Thames (in London for those who are geographically challenged) used to freeze over most years from the middle (sort of) of the 14th century until and get this, because it was news to me until I started to get interested in frost, (and don’t you say anything about having too much time on ones paws will you?) until the 19th Century and in fact that was the sort of ‘norm’ for most European cities.

Most European Cities had “Frost Fairs” well the ones with rivers of course had “Frost Fairs” and isn’t it nice to see that they liked a little bit of understatement – frost fairs I ask you!

Of course Bono and Al the Gore would be going around saying what we need is to to get all of the governments of the world together to spend vast fortunes inventing chemicals that would create a sort of umbrella to keep the heat in and they would probably come up with a great name for the effect of course and make a movie about it and ramble on about their ideas for a Greenhouse effect at every opportunity they could find.

Would you believe that in 1683 the ice on the River Thames was 11 inches or 28 cms thick in the middle of London and the North Sea froze for several miles out to sea unbelievably and the ‘great minds’ of the time happily kept their mouth’s shut.

And it was actually mild in London in 1683, in Frome in Somerset the ground was frozen to a depth of four feet and that says chilly more than anything you could think of doesn’t it?

So who thinks that we are in for what they called the “Little Ice Age” from the 14th century to the 19th century, well no one in their right mind of course and that is because the weather bless it is so unpredictable, can someone mention that to Bono and Al the Gore before they get us to worry ourselves to death.

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My Thoughts On Rendition!

If you want my honest opinion regarding extraordinary rendition, I think I would prefer an extraordinary one than just the norm! Wouldn’t you?

This is an extract from my latest book “Thoughts from a Good Looking Cat!”

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Have I wished all of my lovely cuddly readers of my book, blog and my ‘www‘- wickedly, wonderful website a very Happy Christmas and more money in your pockets in the New Year? I hope so, I forget things sometimes. But I rarely forget to mention that you can still get my book at Amazon.com in time for Christmas and you really should you know, it would make me very happy and of course reading it will make you sublimely happy I promise. (Insert winning smile here).

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