Tag Archives: Getting Out Excerpts From A Cat’s Diary

The Short Sighted Lions of Longleat

EXT. A SAFARI PARK SOMEWHERE IN ENGLAND. Day.

LION ONE

Daniel have you seen the sign?

LION TWO

What sign Michael?

Don t Pick the Flowers


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Calling all Squirrels

How About This Boys In Phuket You Can get Your Nuts Massaged

Further comment might be inappropriate! But when has that stopped me?

I love signs, especially when the sign writer has no idea what he wants to say and doesn’t understand what his or indeed her message ultimately conveys! Which can lead to some desperately embarrassing situations like the case of this sign in Phuket which suggests that Squirrels or humans might get an interesting massage – females of both species should not apply!


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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It’s hot are you thirsty? Read she sign. Bet you aren’t now!

Pocari Sweat or as they say in Japan ポカリスエット Pokari Suetto is a great name for a soft drink isn’t it? I am surprised that the good folk at Red Bull didn’t snap that one up aren’t you then we could have the Pocari Sweat racing teams competing in all sorts of ‘fast’ events where a lot of err… sweating is done.

Thirsty Read The Sign Bet You Aren t Now Japan

Seriously though, would you, even if you were hot and um… sweaty drink a bottle of the stuff even if it was straight from the fridge?

I am sure like me you are asking yourselves, my dear cuddly readers why the Japanese like the idea of drinking ‘sweat’ well (sadly) there’s a perfectly reasonable answer – and that is that the Japanese, bless them, in the main don’t actually mentally translate names that appear in English on product labels and so they aren’t bothered by what that name might mean in English, that’s a pity because that reasonable explanation takes some of the fun out of the idea of millions of hot Japanese people reaching for a can or bottle of ‘sweat’ to cool themselves down doesn’t it!

Oh I nearly forgot apparently, according to the manufacturers, the word ‘Pocari’ doesn’t have a meaning it is, wait for it, according to the clever marketeers – a light, bright sound.

Well I don’t know about you but when the Cat says Pocari it doesn’t really sound light or bright to me and if it did the attachment of the word ‘sweat’ to the name ruins any shine the word may have.

Pocari sweat 500ml


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Please pay attention to the upper air – more nonsense from China

They say “make hay while the sun shines” in the western world and goodness knows how that would be translated by the ‘brilliant’ Chinese minds that brought you the amazingly inept translation below, but who cares really, not me. And that is because as I explained yesterday my Chinese gagging order has probably been relaxed as the leaders of the next superpower fight between themselves for ever larger control of the government of China and of course a bigger bucketfuls of all of the money sloshing around in the corridors of power there.

All of which makes your average multi-billionaire Russian Oligarch look like a toddler with a large suitcase or two of play money.

China World Leaders One day

This sign and its wonderful translation, I have to say, is the ‘best’ translation I have ever not been able to read let alone comprehend and I assure you that if you wanted to write this kind of mental drool you couldn’t string enough words together to produce perfect drivel to do it. Well done China the next superpower.

I have just tried to ‘translate’ the saying at the beginning of this blog using the Chinese method of translation and wondered what you thought of it dear cuddly readers. “Hay shines while make sun.” No, I just don’t have their ‘gift’ do I?


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Do you have backside troubles? Help is at hand!

This sign offers good news for anyone with backside troubles, I think. But first I wonder if any of my dear cuddly readers can tell me what are backside troubles and why a Beijing hotel bathroom would offer to repair them.

Bum Job

Is this I wonder, part of the “Two Fly Rule” that has been introduced by the new super power government concerned about the standard of public toilets in Beijing?

What is the “Two Fly Rule” I hear you ask with a sense of disinterest bordering on desperation? Well those clever chaps at the very very top of the government in China have decided that all public toilets in Beijing must not have more than two flies buzzing around per cubicle, and oddly enough the “Two Fly Rule” is just part of a rather bizarre new directive issued to washroom attendants and any others with an interest in public restrooms.

In addition to the “Two Fly Rule” other new measures aimed at improving public toilets in the Chinese capital include limiting the amount of rubbish that can be discarded on the toilet floor, though no one was prepared to say what sort of rubbish and how much was allowed under the new “Two Fly Rule.” There were other measures it is just that this Cat got bored reading them so gave up trying writing about them especially when the “Two Fly Rule” is strange enough on its own!

The man with the job of enforcing the initiative is called Xie Guomin and recently when asked by journalists about the “Two Fly Rule,” he said that it and all of the other measures to improve Beijing toilets weren’t actually compulsory, but were simply a new benchmark designed to improve the Chinese capital’s notoriously disgusting and unpleasant public restrooms, something this Cat commented on in his masterpiece of feline literature ‘The Cat’s Travelogue.’

Sadly those comments were removed from my wonderful unputdownable book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue.’ due in the main to a large payment of hush money paid into a Swiss bank account courtesy of the Chinese government. But as the incredibly corrupt official in charge of overseeing my silence has been removed from power and his equally corrupt buddies are trying to make other more serious ‘activities’ of theirs disappear from public record, I at least consider my agreement with them to be largely null and void and I can start to tell my cuddly readers all about the dreadful place that is called China at long last.

Sorry about that I got side tracked, where was I? Oh yes! Xie Guomin the party official in charge of toilets and more importantly the well thought out “Two Fly Rule” was reported saying. “We will not actually count fly numbers. The regulation is specific and quantified, but the inspection methodology will be flexible.” What on earth does that mean – it sounds like David Cameron talking doesn’t it?

Roughly translated what Xie Guomin said is ‘party speak’ for “we will do nothing at all to improve any public toilets and we have no idea why those bastard imperialists made such a fuss our our cosy, rubbish strewn, fly infest bogs when they were here during the 2008 Olympics, and if anyone asks why it has taken the government so long to get around to doing nothing about our filthy toilets they can go to hell! After all what is wrong with the public toilet in the picture below?”

Dirty public toilet China

Which just goes to show how far China has to go before it can really and truthfully think of itself as a superpower or indeed a civilised nation because a superpower and civilised nation would have a “No Fly Zone” wouldn’t it? Tee hee!


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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A ‘bun’ from Finland Words Fail Me!

“Care for a knob bun madam?” Is probably a question that you hear the length and breath form Finland from kinky Helsinki to outrageous Oulu.

Finland Words Fail Me

Although of course everyone knows that in 1977, for reasons best known to err… Fins the concepts of both ‘city’ and ‘town’ were done away with and today the poor old Fins only have municipalities by law, however the Fins being human call most of their municipalities “towns” tee hee.

And the madness and disorganisation gets better, which is why I like the Fins by the way, because a simple decision by the municipal council to change the description of a rural municipality or wait for it ‘junta’ can change the town into a ‘city’ which, for those few who care outside of Finland, is called a ‘kaupunki’ in Finnish.

All of which means, if this Cat got his whiskers around Finnish law correctly, that the 1977 judgement is worth as much as an old Voisilmäpulla or knob bun and I have to say I like that idea!

For those curious cuddly readers among us I thought I would show you all a picture of a Voisilmäpulla or knob bun, no it isn’t quite the shape I imagined either!

Voisilmapulla


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Food with it’s own particular aroma

I love America because the people are open, honest and fun, where else in the world would they call a restaurant Captain Poo’s Blue Marlin Bar and Grill? Nowhere and that is a fact which is why Captain Poo’s Blue Marlin Bar and Grill is at 2200 Little River Neck Road, North Myrtle Beach, South Carolina in the good ole US of A.

Food with it s own particular aroma

Of course Captain Poo’s Blue Marlin Bar and Grill serves a lot of very good grilled fish but it isn’t right next to the sea as suggested on the sign it is about a mile inland but it is right next to the Little Neck River and that flows into the sea eventually.

And if you don’t fancy Captain Poo’s why not try Fibbers on the Water?

Fibber banner

It isn’t that far away down at 4498 Water Front Ave, Little River, South Carolina, though I have to say if you watch their video presentation here Fibbers you’ll see why they call the restaurant ‘Fibbers’ their “Shepherd’s Pie” has a pie crust and everyone in the place that that dish was invented knows that Shepherd’s Pie has a Mashed Potato topping duh!

For those of you who don’t know what a proper Shepherd’s Pie is and that obviously includes the good people of Fibbers Restaurant here is a picture of a rather tasty one, I blush to say who made it of course!

Shepherds Pie

Lastly for those of you for whom the English language is not their native language and of course I include Americans in that group I would like to explain the word ‘fibber.’ In the English language to tell a fib is to lie and the person telling the ‘fib’ is a ‘fibber.’ Tee hee!


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Does anyone trust lawyers?

If you have read my masterpieces of feline literature ‘Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary‘ and ‘The Cat’s Travelogue‘ you may well be familiar with my lawyer Mr. Todd A. Leibowitz “call me Todd” who has represented me as a lawyer, agent, advisor, familiar, confidante, spokesperson, PR expert, investment consultant and personal councillor for a number of years whether I have wanted him to or not and in the process taken what ‘others’ describe as a substantial portion of my income including royalties, gifts, personal expenses for appearances in person or as Mr. Todd A. Leibowitz “call me Todd” says is a very small percentage of the whole “operation” bearing in mind what he does for me.

So when I saw the sign below it honestly started me thinking. Are the ‘others’ right or are they as Mr. Todd A. Leibowitz “call me Todd” says acting in a “sour grape-wise manner because they didn’t get in on the found floor!”

No one trusts lawyers

So here is a snap shot of my recent thoughts and maybe you can decide for me because I am in two minds which is confusing to say the least!

I’m torn these days, I know I owe Mr. Todd A. Leibowitz “call me Todd” a lot because he tells me I do and then goes on to say that if I hadn’t used his personal management company and its dozens of “affiliates,” all of whom charge by the hour, I don’t think I would be sitting here writing this blog because I wouldn’t be the famous and fabulously successful author that I am, but people who I have met along the way seem to disagree and I am starting to believe them!

For example I would never ever have thought that as part of my “disbursements,” Mr. Todd A. Leibowitz “call me Todd’s” word not mine, I had to purchase a “runabout” for him from Ferrari of America so that he could drive over to my place for brunch. And then when I moved to England do exactly the same thing.

But I trust Mr. Todd A. Leibowitz “call me Todd.” He has, like Bernie Madoff before him, done such a lot for me, and as he never fails to tell me there is one difference between Bernie and Mr. Todd A. Leibowitz “call me Todd” and that’s true with Mr. Todd A. Leibowitz “call me Todd” I get to keep most of my hard earned cash and as Mr. Todd A. Leibowitz “call me Todd” tells me unlike poor Stevie Spielberg Mr. Todd A. Leibowitz “call me Todd” was able to get most of my money back from Bernie Madoff before “everything started to turn into the shape of a Pear.” And of course for that I am grateful to Mr. Todd A. Leibowitz “call me Todd” for that, I understand that Steven Spielberg had to really cut back and sell one of his super yachts and is only left with five of his homes, poor lamb. Still if he made better movies he might just be able to buy a new super yacht but then that is merely my personal opinion.

The reason why I am still not sure if Mr. Todd A. Leibowitz “call me Todd” is to be fully trusted is that so many lawyers, like bankers, politicians and a large number of stockbrokers, investment advisors, and financiers have proved to be, at best cold hearted individuals who are only looking to line their pockets, and at worst are now, after years of being trusted confidantes, being convicted of a catalogue of very serious crimes and going down for ‘stretches’ that are substantially longer than their life expectancy and I am sure that there are more to follow.

Worse still if you are like me just a little paranoid and prone to delusion (I think I might be that unless I am being delusional about it of course) you may be casually reading the UK newspapers and start to form the opinion that there is an awful lot of collusion and conversation between the UK’s ruling party, the Police and some Newspapers with of course a liberal peppering of ‘professionals’ lawyers, accountants, financiers etc., involved all of which is very worrying.


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Morish sweeties – the not so perfect indulgence

On my meandering way around the world researching my latest unputdownable masterpiece of feline literature ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ I dropped off in a lot of places, but then human cities, after a while, get very samey don’t they and frankly they could send anyone with as little interest in human activities (except Prawn fishing of course) to sleep.

One of the places I did stay awake in was Buenos Aires. I also felt rather hungry all of the time and unfortunately after I got back home I had to dump the entire chapter of my masterpiece of feline literature ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ because it was drivel which was odd because at the time of writing it I though that it was amazing, and one of the best things I had ever written.

Thinking back to my time in Argentina I have a suspicion that all of the rambling drivel I wrote and my feeling of euphoria might have had more to do with the rather nice sweeties I became rather partial to while I was there!

Oddly enough when my supply was curtailed, after leaving the country, I was rather depressed for a while and even now a few years afterwards I still have the occasional craving for Crack Crocante.

Addictive sweetie for all ages Argentina

You don’t have any in your pockets do you? Just a little taste, that’s all I want, I’ve got Prawns!


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Imagine my horror!

As the title says imagine my horror when I was casually leafing through my admiring Twitter followers and weeding out the spammers and porn artists, who I seem to attract for no reason that I can fathom, to discover that this political organisation follows me.

Twitter horror

The picture of that chap who leads the organisation and goes by the odd title of ’10’ is enough to put anyone off their breakfast Prawns isn’t it? What a shifty looking character he is, personally I don’t ever trust people with very high foreheads do you?

After I recovered from the shock and came out from behind the sofa and meowed a bit to let my translator know what might have ‘happened’ (if you see what I mean) close to where I was cowering – well in my defence I was terrified by that haunting smirk ’10’ has, I started to wonder why ‘they’ would wish to follow me, they can’t be fans of mine can they? I somehow doubt that.

So what other reasons could there be for reasonably powerful political institution that’s so unpopular with the British people that it had to share power with a minority party which it referred to before the election as “irrelevant?”

Makes a Cat wonder doesn’t it! Oh! As to the question above! I have no idea why that lot follow me but I hope that they are telling all of their members to buy at least one copy of my wonderful books it may well cheer them up especially as they and their political allies will get what my old Mum used to call a “drubbing” at the next election assuming that they last that long.

So if you ’10’ and your politicos are reading this, and of course it will appear and even get retweeted on my page at Twitter I hope that you take some of this Cat’s wisdom to heart, especially the occasional serious stuff which is usually about animal welfare.

The UK is not a good place for a lot of animals to live today, with idiots training Dogs to fight and to be like weapons, with what look like ‘normal’ middle aged women putting a Cat into a dustbin just because the Cat was sitting on a wall near one, and worst of all the fact that even the royals can’t keep their itchy bejewelled, privileged fingers of the triggers of their Purdey & Sons 12 bore shotguns much to the cost of anything that is either furry or feathered and wild.

As you can see from the picture below of the exterior of Purdey & Sons shop in South Audley Street London, all of the royals from the queen downwards like their double barrelled fun and have given Purdey permission to use their coat of arms.

Purdey

Of course a royal warrant means that the royals either get their weapons and ammo cheap or don’t pay for them at all and the company gets their warrant, a seal of approval, and with that can double their prices even when they aren’t selling their hardware to folk from the middle east who are tired of hunting with hawks and want to do what the royal family do with such grace and blow large holes in deer, rabbits, pheasant, grouse, and any other wild creatures that cross their sights.

And just to show that this cat isn’t exaggerating look at the picture below. Nothing demonstrates the result of a successful royal hunting party better than a picture of the participants carrying away the corpses of so many defenceless little wild creatures, in this case a brace or two of pheasants. While one of them wears a hat that was killed earlier!

Wills Kate shooting

Finally this is just an observation, but have you noticed that both William and Kate share that ominous human characteristic I mentioned above, a very high forehead, it has to mean something doesn’t it?


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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