Someone once described the photograph of me on the cover of my wonderful best selling masterpiece “Getting Out – Excerpts From A Cat’s Diary” which you can get here Amazon.com as a work of art and I sincerely believe that they were speaking the truth.

I found this picture of an astonishingly good looking, well read and cultured clever Cat, for a moment I thought it was me! But then I realised that the artist Charles Wysocki had probably just seen a photograph of me and wanted to use me as the perfect model.

Looking through the book on the bookshelf I have to say I thoroughly recommend the volume on the lower shelf ‘The Sardine,’ when I read this magical book I found it to be not only insightful but also a tender loving story with a very happy and satisfying ending.

While we are talking about the books in the picture and not me does anyone know where I can get a copy of ‘Delicious Field Mice I have Known’ and who wrote it? As yet I haven’t read it but now that I know of it, it is top of my reading list.

One last thought about my book with the wonderful cover, if you don’t own and treasure a copy already just click over to Amazon.com and you can get one, actually if you do own and treasure a copy of my wonderful book why not treat yourself to a second or third copy I say?

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It is that time of year again! Summer is here at last. Sadly the supreme being who created peadophiles, rapists, slums, poverty, cruelty and all of the other gifts that ‘he’ gave us convinced the Czechs, and indeed a lot of other misguided people in the surrounding area such as the Germans, Slovaks and what not, that they should leave their clothes in a pile somewhere and ‘enjoy’ the sun’s rays the way that ‘he’ had intended – au naturel!

What the misguided people in the surrounding area such as the Germans, Slovaks and in particular the Czech don’t seem to know is that nature au naturel is rather attractive, but their naked white bodies blistering in the sun’s microwaves are not, I wonder how one small but clever Cat can get through to these misguided hordes of naked humans and convince them to wear something and please not a thong and a frown like the French do at the beach?

Frankly I don’t know how to go about convincing the entire continent to cover up, I did think about naming and shaming but there are too many of the buggers, then I thought about showing photographs of them to a wider audience in the hope that the world would campaign against these lovers of nature but if I did that my lovely blog would look like one of ‘those’ sites that you get when you mistype some url’s and we can’t have that can we? I am a lot of things and have been called most but I’m not a pornographic pussy if you see what I mean.

So I am at a loss on how to stop all of this vast and unwelcome exposure of human flesh, you know sometimes I wish I was a politician because they are really rather good at cover ups aren’t they!

The trouble with being a good looking Cat I suppose I just don’t understand humans sometimes, what on earth gets into them that they have to take their clothes off and try to improve the beauty of a wooded, lakeside beauty spot.

What is worse is that from my lofty offices up here where the Barrandov Film Studios are I can actually see… sorry I just don’t have the vocabulary to describe what I can see or indeed the stomach!

Unfortunately there is one other problem today and that is what photograph to use in my pretty blog and so here is the only thing that I could think of it – is a suggestion of apparel for Czechs and the other misguided people in Europe to wear when they want to be ‘au naturel’ in nature.

Here are the instructions for using fig leaves for the more simple minded ie the entire nations of France Germany, Slovakia and of course the Czech Republic.

Men should wear one fig leaf and women three and men try to resist choosing a fig leaf that is too big you will only look ridiculous, and never wear a fig leave with any figs attached that would only lead to ‘complications’ and increased female expectations that I couldn’t possibily describe here!

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An insight that appears to be sadly lacking in most humans this Cat has to say, especially to those in the rescue services and the ambulance chasing media who rush to this sort of ‘event’ and in doing so; firstly create the ‘event’ to fill their tawdry newspapers and tv bulletins and secondly cause considerable embarrassment to an innocent Cat who is carefully minding his or her own business from very high up.

I have to say that I have found a Cat after my own heart! In fact more than that I think I have found a Cat who has been reading my blog and of course my wonderful masterpiece of Feline literature “Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary” available at all good bookshops and at a place called Amazon.com which, as I say a little too often, you may have heard of because Amazon.com are nearly as famous as yours very truly.

In my wonderful book and indeed on my award winning and peerless blog I explain the annoyance that a Cat suffers when humans think it is stuck up a tree when in fact it is perfectly happy to simply take in the view. Sorry I had to laugh then I used the words human and think in the same sentence – I knew I could do it one day if I tried really hard

Still enough of the blatant and hard nosed advertising and plugging of my wonderful book, although vast summer sales are very important if I am to stay on top of the bestseller lists for a long time (unsubtle hint hint).

I think that it is true to say that Millie the Cat is obviously an avid reader of fine literature – no Dan Brown books on her shelves I bet. Millie obviously had been reading my wonderful blog and book and thought that she would give tree climbing a bit of a go and gosh did Millie have a go! Not only managing, with a little help from a cast list of various and assorted humans who I will deal with as they appear but also by rewarding her eventual ‘rescuers’ with a lot of swear word evoking deep scratches.

I use the word ‘rescuers’ in inverted commas because as usual with any “Cat Stuck Up A Tree” story there is no hard evidence that the Cat in question who is up the aforementioned tree actually requires any ‘rescuing’ or indeed any form of outside ‘assistance,’ in any shape or form.

It seems as though Millie, a rather good looking Cat who looks a lot like me with Silver, Tabby and White fur and in her case the addition of some Tortoiseshell colouring on her back, was taking in the view of the neighbourhood from 40 feet, or 12 metres if you are of the metric persuasion, above ground in a conveniently tall tree and had been keeping this vigil for a few days, around five to be precise when her ‘owner,’ and of course I use that word loosely, decided that she was in fact stuck up the tree she was in.

Humans should stop for a moment before they start to panic and jump to conclusions such as “that Cat is stuck up the tree because she or he hasn’t been down it for five days!”

Why?

Well I would have thought ‘that’ was obvious derr! Millie like most Cats who climb trees to take in the view and to feel the branches making their whiskers twitch to say nothing of feeling the wind ruffle their fur, usually climb down for food and a comfort break or two at night when it is nice and quiet and the humans in the neighbourhood are mostly asleep or rather drunk and unsteadily wandering the streets too lost to notice or care about a Cat having a err, comfort break in the front garden.

I am pretty sure that Millie was doing exactly that on the day when her human decided to panic and set in motion a procession of calamitous errors of judgements, actions and more and why did he wait for five days? Why not two or three, or seven why five days, it is bizarre!

The first thing Millie’s human did was to disturb the Fire Brigade. Why do they do that humans? Firemen have probably the most important job in the world, they save people from very dangerous things like err fire and shouldn’t be called to retrieve a Cat from a tree, especially when a Cat doesn’t want to be retrieved in the first place.

In this case it would seem that the Fire Brigade were not too happy about the emergency call and worse still they were unable to put their ladders up against Millie’s wonderfully tall tree because the ground wasn’t safe, which just goes to show that Millie had chosen her tree very wisely for her period of private contemplation and obviously didn’t want to be disturbed.

The Firemen decided to try something ‘different’ and rather uncharacteristically for Firemen turned their hose on her apparently to ‘encourage’ her to come down from the tree and presumably to shut her panicking ‘owner’ up.

So a soggy Millie did what any sensible drenched Cat would do in the circumstances and climbed higher up the tree to get out of the range of the hose, clever Cat! I wonder how many humans would think of that one.

Unfortunately for the ‘rescuers’ (and by now several hundred by-standers, gwapers and of course a number of media representatives) the hose trick had not saved Millie, unfortunately for Millie, her ‘owner’ and advisers had several more hair-brained rescue schemes in reserve and through the day carried them out not even stopping for sandwiches at lunchtime.

Next on the scene for an interview, with the media and an in-depth face to face with the BBC News cameras and then a rescue attempt were the ‘RSPCA.’

RSPCA is short for the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty of Animals, of course any organisation with the word ‘royal’ in the title is going to be a bit useless and although the RSPCA spokesperson gave a very good interview to camera they couldn’t really do much because the ground around the tree was flooded courtesy of a number of disgruntled Firemen and to most watching seemed to give in a little early.

Just as all hope of a ‘rescue’ picture exclusive was beginning to fade Millie’s owner and the assembled crowd of well wishers, idlers and hangers-on had yet another cracking idea. They would order up some scaffolding. Not presumably for a public execution because this was Barnsley in Yorkshire and not downtown Tehran and as a consequence of the geography thankfully public executions had been outlawed a long while ago.

The scaffold arrived on the back of a truck with two scaffolders, who after they had managed to clear a space in the enormous crowd, very quickly used all of the poles they had brought to surround the tree and Millie. Unfortunately the scaffolding wasn’t tall enough for the brave scaffolders to hear Millie spitting at then clearly when they were at the top, in short the scaffolding tower surrounding the tree was too short.

It was probably now as the crowd started to lose interest and shout things like “shake the tree!” “Throw your shoe at the Cat!” that the scaffolders decided to take matters and of course their lives into their own hands and instead of going back for more scaffolding they decided to climb the to the uppermost parts of the trees.

These parts of trees are also known as the flimsiest. They are in fact so insubstantial that if a tree was subject to the laws of the land related to say construction they would have to have a sign clearly displayed saying “These branches will not support the weight of a human not even a child.” Or something like that! But they didn’t and it is probably pointless to ask if the scaffolders would have heeded such a sign anyway, scaffolders being who they are!

It would seem that the tree climbing went rather well and slowly but surely the scaffolders managed to get onto the same level as their quarry although it is clear to see from the picture below that their ‘quarry’ was not exactly overjoyed to have the company of two burly scaffolders in her bit of the tree, and worse she had now started to run out of tree.

To her credit Millie had managed to scratch and bite both scaffolders severely in no time at all, it has to be said here that the scaffolders really only had themselves to blame as they weren’t wearing any protective clothing.

Millie bravely put up a considerable fight against very unequal odds all the way down the tree as she struggled to stay up it and the scaffolders struggled to bring her down it.

By the time Millie was reunited with her human (in the blue shirt covered in err urine – well she was still scared in her defence) she had happily drawn a lot of blood and though boggled eyed from the struggle cooly ignored the cameras, interviewers and the crowds whoops of joy that she was back on terra firma.

Of course this story is not new it is the age old story of a Cat stuck up a tree and as it is being eventually rescued it mauls the rescuers and if you humans don’t want to hear it repeated time and again you have to do something yourselves.

Next time you see a Cat minding its own business up a tree, no matter how high it happens to be up that tree, before you call out the Fire Brigade, the Army, the Police, Scaffolders, Helicopter Rescue and any other Fred, Ned or Ted please ask yourself this simple question first.

Does that Cat need rescuing or is it simply enjoying the view?

And then before you cause a media event involving the Fire Brigade and any number of other rescue services just ask yourself this simple question!

If Cats actually do get stuck up trees and can’t get down why is it that we don’t see a lot of Cats that suffered the ultimate price for their, as human’s would put it ‘stupidity?’

The answer is rather simple and one day I expect it to occur to a human – very few, if any, Cats get stuck in trees and if they do then they are only temporarily stuck!

Of course there is always ‘one’ in the crowd, there will always be the ‘odd’ Cat, and I would emphasise the word ‘odd’ here, who gets stuck in a tree and can’t get down but they are the exception to the rule and even they are not stuck as a rule if you see what I mean.

What humans should be on the look out for is Cats who get stuck in places that have doors, where some idiot human tidily closes the door after a curious Cat has slunk in to investigate a new and probably dark place.

I have to say here that some of my best friends, yes including the half brained Ginger have been stuck on occasions but they tend to be stuck between floors in blocks of flats or in Ginger’s case in the down section of a drainpipe, no I don’t know why the clown crawled into a drainpipe backwards either! Although he says it was so he would be the right way round and therefore able to peep out of the drainpipe, which you have to admit has a strange kind of logic doesn’t it?

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Dear Sir

Since my 13th birthday like my sisters, I’ve become a rather odd shape. Can you help us?
Lindsay, Susan and Doreen OVALTINE.

Poor things it must be dreadful to be that shape and this good looking Cat sends his sympathy to all three sisters, but just think of the up side you are probably all wonderful dancers and better still marvellous swimmers.

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Then there is the stuff on sites that offer in the ‘broadcasters’ opinion earth shattering news, you know the sort of thing, the latest CNN travel bag has been launched and now comes with a ten year guarantee which offers you your money back if the travel bag gets damaged so long as you never use it on airlines, French HiSpeed trains and indeed anywhere where a baggage handler might get to ply his or in some very muscular cases ‘her’ trade.

Often the non-news, as I like to call it, extends to other topics such as the Queen of England having a new hair do or a sitting for yet another painting, they both seem to be about as regular as each other.

Then there are some news orgainsations that will go to any lengths to take old news dress it up and churn over it time and again, this is usually done with over paid and unqualified celebrity presenters I can think of one new Poodle on the block who fits the bill perfectly there can’t you?

‘But’ and it is, as I often say a big one (and so in this case I will say it again), ‘but’ today the non-news is monumental the BBC News website, home of adverts for many of their up coming new programmes and mini-series, leads with a story that is entitled “Obama in final health vote push.”

Obviously the story’s subject is very, very important but today isn’t decision day in the Senate and so there is little or no news for the idle journalists to write who are constantly being asked to find new angles, threads and much more to justify their expensive existence and that means that any ‘news’ organisation covering the ‘story’ has little or nothing to say and so they produce this sort of nonsense.

To tell the truth (something that seems to be missing from news sites these days) I am surprised that the headline on the BBC site didn’t say “Obama reminds everyone to set their alarm clocks” so that they get to work on time and are able to vote.

Surely if there were less headline non-news stories the news media would have more room for other stories that somehow get sidelined and then the real ‘news’ when it breaks would be important and less of a ‘relief’ that the story has finally died. But then what do I know I am just a Cat after all.

I am sure that you dear readers have our very own pet non-news stories and I would love to hear them.

In the meantime this clever Cat is off to hear why Africa’s Elephants are keeping scientists guessing then I might do bit of crystal ball gazing and read New US-Russia nuclear deal ‘soon’ of course after all of that I am going to do the most constructive thing you can with the Sunday newspapers, light a fire!

Don’t forget that you can get a much more interesting read here www.thecatsdiary.com for free or you can part with a bit of cash for a great read here Amazon.com

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Well lucky you my wonderful fans there is a clue in the title of this little blogette. Yes that is right I love to say “for me!” As you will note the ‘for me’ in question comes with an exclamation mark of joy and not a question mark, and that is because if someone feels like giving something then I am sure it has to be for me!

It is desperately sad that I actually haven’t heard those words ‘for me!’ enough recently and so I have decided that I need a treat or several dozen treats and that means that you dear readers have a responsibility to think of something wonderful you can give me and then let me know as soon as possible when I can have it.

This good looking Cat deserves it you know that, just think of the millions of people in the world who have had their days or if they are slow readers their year brightened by reading my amazingly funny book Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary available here of course Amazon.com.

And for that fact alone I am worth a present or two don’t you think to say nothing of the fact that I am simply perfect and a star among stars.

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People are surprised when I say that I read, but frankly it isn’t anything special is it? ‘Reading’ that is, not being ‘surprised!’ In fact being surprised is a little boring if like some people you are surprised all the time, because it means that you haven’t got much in the way of an imagination.

People are also surprised when I talk to them, a Cat that talks “what did they put in my coffee?” People usually ask, then they ask if I am a ‘special’ Cat and of course as well as being clever and a good looking Cat I am special, but not in the sense that has been used to denigrate people (and this Cat once) I hasten to add.

It is odd what some people think is normal and other people think is ‘unusual’ isn’t it? But when all is said, read and done I am mostly just a regular Cat who happens to read, talk and of course write wonderful books what make people split stitches – literally and literary if you see what I mean.

Just read one of the lovely reviews on Amazon.com if you chose to disbelieve me, which by the way is a great insult to Cats because we can’t, as I have said before, ‘lie’ which is a terrible shame if you want to know, and has hampered my career I am sure.

So to prove I am just a regular ordinary Joe type of Cat I thought I would talk about Prawns again, I was reading the other day that scientists have discovered that Prawns have feelings, no honestly they have!

I must say I thought it was a bit daft when I read it and imagined all of the Prawns who’s feelings I had obviously hurt in the past, poor little fellows.

Then I started to think about the scientists. What an odd bunch they must be to actually be interested in Prawns’ feelings in the first place, then as my mind burrowed deeper in to the whole Prawn feeling thing I started to wonder just what the research goals of the scientists was.

Did they think that Prawns’ feeling might be easier to research and study than humans? Did they think that by discovering if Prawns had feelings then they could use that information in say space, or industry? I wonder and of course doubt that they could.

Then I thought what a load of nonsense humans get up to. Then I decided that I would like to offer a nice home to anyone who has either very delighted or depressed Prawns, I know a great way to make them happy and of course become so much happier myself.

Lastly, though of course with me you don’t know that this paragraph will in fact be the last one of course, I must apologise for mentioning Prawns again, it is I have to say a bit of a habit with me, but I suppose it proves that I am just a Cat after all!

Finally tee hee and oops! I thought there was another paragraph in me – you can learn all about Prawns in my ‘un-put-down-able’ book I suggest that if you haven’t bought it Amazon.com is as good a place as any to get it, your eyes will love you and if you don’t laugh a lot then I will eat my words – so long as they are ‘Prawns, Prawns, Prawns…’ yes I am sure you get the picture!

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Mmmh what a shame I didn’t think of that earlier and had two minutes silence at ten to ten because that would have been two at ten to ten and that must be special mustn’t it?

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I have uploaded the most recent picture of Ginger I could find in a hurry it is from his failed or as he put it “yet to be refined” walking on air experiment.

Actually one or two of the slack mouths around here said that Ginger and his friends had gone off somewhere to enjoy an eight of Catnip but I don’t think that can be right he hates the stuff, well since the overdose that is!

I have every faith, including probably a lot of misplaced faith, that he will turn up somewhere, he always does, unless he is angry for some reason then he can sulk for ages but don’t worry his butt is worse then his bite, if you know what I mean and I think I do!

The trouble is that it is still snowing here and has been since before Christmas and it is cold enough to really annoy any brass monkey, so if Ginger is outside he could be completely Cap’n Scott by now couldn’t he? If you know what I mean!

It was something of an anniversary for the good Cap’n Scott and the lads recently, I believe it was one or two hundred years since they decided to see if you could get to the South Pole just wearing a string vest, knitted mittens and a smile.

Sadly some Norwegians had beaten him to the South Pole in a Volvo and left what they thought was a funny note “We beat you here” it said, obviously Norwegians are better at Polar exploring than telling jokes.

But the good news for Cap’n Scott and his chums was that when news of their deaths reached Britain they all instantly became heroes. It is the British way to make heroes out of failures and legends out of disasters, hence Gordon of Khartoum who faced millions of really annoyed ‘fuzziwuzzies’ as people, such as the good people of Khartoum, were called back in ‘Chinese Gordon’s’ time (that was his nickname, no I don’t know why either).

It is understood that General Gordon who instantly became “Gordon of Khartoum” died because of an unfortunate clerical misprint and a dreadful diplomatic error!

It is believed that the thousands of people who gathered outside General Gordon’s offices waving spears and wearing frowns were actually complaining about their gas bills and had simply gone to the wrong address – the one at the top of their gas bills.

Chinese Gordon, annoyed at the noise outside went out to meet the rabble with a loaded pistol which he emptied into the crowd.

Not long after General Gordon’s death the gas company quietly changed the address on the gas bills and the British government instructed all British residents living in foreign countries not to answer their doors with a loaded pistol.

Needless to say in true Dunkirk spirit General Gordon was brought home and buried with full honours, his actions were rewritten and a painting was produced to ‘assist’ the new ‘facts’ and another British legend was born.

Of course it isn’t only personal disasters that the British celebrate, bless them, by rewriting history and creating heroes, just read about British military history and you’ll learn all about The Charge of the Light Brigade, Dunkirk, Operation Market Garden and many more glorious military escapes, and of course the idiots involved and in charge of those farces were all promoted!

To tell the truth – and of course Cats can be relied on to do just that, which is at times a bit of a chink in our character armour as far as I am concerned – this good looking Cat has a bit of a soft spot for poor old Cap’n Scott because he was obviously a bit of a character as I am sure were his pals, if you want to read an extract from his ‘alternative’ diary there is a little snippet in my wonderful best selling book “Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary” which is available at all really great bookstores and of course Amazon.com.

There are quite a few snippets of diary of famous British failures who of course are national heroes in the UK, well I had run out of things to write and so I thought, now what would Livingstone say here and the rest is a best seller.

By the way Ginger has just turned up, he wasn’t outside at all, apparently he had another of his little ‘episodes,’ he said that he slipped into the airing cupboard and got entangled in a pair or probably two pairs of ladies (I presume) tights!

I wonder about Ginger sometimes, he has been wrapped up in nylons for three days and didn’t try to very hard to escape, that is odd isn’t it, it isn’t just me, is it?

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This good looking Cat would like to thank everyone who came to the ‘Bring A Prawn Dance!’ last Saturday/Sunday and for some hardened party goers Monday too!

All in all we had a wonderful time in general and as you can see from the picture it got just a little wild.

Actually I do wish that I had used a picture on the invitations because some people and I won’t mention any names here brought err, how can I put this – oh yes – complete idiots, instead of Prawns.

Apparently a ‘Prawn’ in the human language can also mean a person who is not only not quite the ticket and has bought a bus ticket when they should have got one for a train, what can I say?

Well I suppose I could say that we had a right royal time with the idiots, but I won’t because a lot of people have accused me recently of being a bit of a royal basher and those who know me will agree that isn’t true, give me a choice between a Prawn and a royal and I will always eat the Prawn!

Actually I heard from a ‘reliable’ source that a well known royal had bought my best selling book and loved it, apparently it props the drawing room door open perfectly!

I wonder if they bought it here at Amazon.com that would have been nice.

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