Dec 082011
 

I was talking to Hugh Grant the other day and we both agreed that being a celebrity can be hard, if it isn’t the Murdoch run newspapers trying to tap your phone, open you mail and go through your empties it’s the wonderful general public, bless them all, who can get a little carried away and storm your book signings just wanting to stroke you, and I have to say that happens to me a lot although I was surprised to hear that it happened to Huge (my pet name for Hugh).

Sometimes this Cat who writes blogs thinks that as a celebrity in constant demand by an adoring public you just have to get away, go into hiding or use camouflage, Hugh was of the same opinion but tends to think that you can hide from the public in a car parked round the back of a busy well lit street, still it takes all sorts to make the world dizzy doesn’t it?

Between you and me I have been using camouflage for a while now to avoid the glare of the public and the peeping Toms of the press and believe that camouflage is a very wonderful thing.

Just today I was leafing through a copy of my newspaper and spotted a whole section of pictures dedicated to animals and insects who are really rather good at camouflaging themselves.

I have to say that article was an altogether more interesting than another which reported that Madonna, (with an emphasis on the ‘Mad’ she is obviously going through some sort of mid-life experience), said that the duchess of Cambridge (if you don’t know who she is here’s a tip, she’s the anorexic looking newest royal, who depending upon the newspaper you read is expecting one or several babies, if that is true where is the bulge then – in a surrogate?) is “lovely girl with great sense of style.” Sorry Madonna I think it’s time to hang up your sling backs darling cos baby doll you have lost it!

Instead of offering you a picture of the tired but blousy Madonna or the Mousey but skinny duchess of Cambridge I thought I would let my wonderful readers have a gawp at some amazing camouflage pictures I was so impressed with. Not all of them are animals or insects as you will see and for one sadly no amount of camouflage will help her appearance.

So without further ado or character assassination I give you my little tribute to camouflage and the beasts that use it.

To start with how about the Leaf-tailed Gecko, aka the Satanic Leaf-tailed Gecko who blends in wonderfully with a rustle of old brown dried leaves this one lives in the Andasibe-Mantadia National Park in Madagascar?

Leaf Tailed Gecko

Or what about a Bat-faced Toad who has taken a tip form the Satanic Leaf-tailed Gecko above and is hiding amongst a crust of dead leaves in the Amacayacu National Park in Colombia?

Leaf Toad

Then there is the oddly named White Crab Spider sitting on a flower near you, if you happen to live in the south of England or Wales.

White Crab Spider

Humans can create excellent camouflage if they have the patience and artistic ability, but sadly unlike the animals above when they move the illusion is shattered. Let’s hope that this lady stays still because I think she has forgotten to get dressed this morning!

Nude

Lastly, and that is where every one of all of the dozens of English queens, dukes, duchesses, princesses and princes of benefit dependency – the English royal family – would come if they weren’t so privileged, we have the amazing camouflage of the duchess of somewhere that was invented especially to accommodate her.

As you can see she blends in rather well with the soldiers, some might say that she looks the most ‘rugged’ of them all!

Do you like me wonder what she is pointing at around that soldier’s crutch? She seems to be very interested in ‘something’ down ‘there’ don’t you think?

If you want to see more of these overrated royal individuals they can be found posing in army, navy and air force uniforms on state occasions (which makes you wonder if the English state isn’t a military one?).

Oddly enough the royals are almost always dressed up in very high ranking positions in their chosen armed force I wonder just how they earned this exulted ranks? Beats me!

If you want to get a good look at the English royal family the best place to spot them is on holiday somewhere very warm while the British newspapers sing their praises and extoll their virtues at home telling the English people just how hard the royals are working!

Duchess

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Nov 012010
 

Now I have to first of all put my paw up and declare that like 99.999% of the entire population on the planet (well the cognisant ones anyway) I don’t like the French over much, no that isn’t true I don’t like the French at all – until now that is, so what has changed my opinion? Well it was hearing of the plight of one brave and funny Frenchman that did it.

Unfortunately because of French law I can’t tell you the name of this plucky Parisian because French law doesn’t allow it but I can tell you his age – he is 40 years of age – and frankly that is of no importance what so ever but then that is probably why French law allows me to tell you – the law of a country always reflects the nature of the people – French law is anal, British law is snobbish and American law is expensive.

So what can I tell you about this poor cheerful chap who finds himself in chokey (a British slang word for prison derived from the Anglo-Indian Hindi word caukī which actually means a shed), mmmh I have meandered off the subject, sorry, regulars readers and fans understand this, indeed according to some of the reviews of my wonderful book “Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary” it is a “charming facet of a delightful book.” happily you can get it here at Amazon.com for a very small consideration if you haven’t bought it already and be delighted for yourself.

Oops there I go again anyway here is the background to this story and a demonstration of ‘Frenchness’ at its most ‘French’ if you see what I mean.

Last week Rachida Dati, the former Justice Minister in the French Government who is an MEP at the European Parliament in Strasbourg appeared on a French national radio station and confused the words “fellatio” and “inflation” – which sound similar in the rather silly French language, though of course the slip could have been ‘Freudian’ something that no one – until now – seems to have mentioned.

Anyway you can imagine the hue of poor Ms. Dati cheeks and the short period of embarrassment that she must have suffered, but the world didn’t collapse as a result of her ‘slip of the tongue’ if I can use that phrase when talking about ‘fellatio’ and not get put into prison, but some bright (unnamed) spark decided to send Ms. Datia an email asking for a little or a lot (I am not sure exactly how much) ‘inflation.’

Rachida-Dati the consequences of a joke.jpg

As you can see from the picture Rachida Dati probably rarely laughs though it is understood that she did laugh the incident off at the time but Ms. Datia obviously takes herself very seriously and was as Queen Victoria once was “not amused” when the email arrived.

Ms. Dati was so not amused that she had the police trace the sender through his IP address and then raid his home seize his computer and remand him in custody for 48 hours. It probably helps being the ex-Jusitce Minister here don’t you think?

After being kept in a cell the unfortunate joker was placed on bail and ordered to appear in court on December 3rd charged with displaying contempt towards a public servant, an offence which is so serious that it is punishable with a prison sentence of up to a month and a 10,000 Euros ($14,500) fine.

Of course I will let you know what happens to the poor joker – as it happens, because this is worrying isn’t it? If displaying contempt towards a public servant is a crime then we are all guilty because let’s face it politicians, the police, Kings, Princes, Princesses, Queens, Presidents and so on are all public servants, to say nothing of all of the public servants and we all have at some stage called them at the very least “idiots” and that of course means we are all criminals at least in the eyes of French law, oh sh** – now look at that my * key is working now and I didn’t have to type ‘shit’ for a change. But really the French are a bunch of w**kers aren’t they especially the public servants it would seem – tee hee see you in a French jail soon!

Just so that you know the french for ‘inflation’ is ‘l’inflation’ and the french for ‘fellatio’ is, strictly speaking, ‘fellation’ but then if you were to translate ‘blow job’ into french it would be ‘fellation’ as well so I am guessing that Ms. Dati use a slang word – oh how dirty!

I could speculate what word Hugh Grant might use while parked up in a Parisian back street but I am too nice for that and when my movie comes out it will be animated and has to have a ‘universal’ certificate so I won’t do that.

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