Feb 272013
 

Mmmh! Yesterday’s blog was about spelling and gee look at that today’s is too, am I obsessed about spelling currently? Well I imagine we will find out tomorrow.

They speak English in India they can t spell it though

My mind started to wander as I looked at this picture and began to wonder what a ‘whine’ shop would be like inside, noisy yes! And what would its customers look like, worse than the inhabitants of the Comic Books Store in the Big Bang Theory I imagine!

Just briefly I would like to thank India and the Indians for always being there for me, what would I do without the supreme confidence they have in their ability in using the English language, oh how I miss those long call centre conversations when they constantly tell you that you are a “very funny ma” and invite you to Bangalore to meet their family! It was such fun and what those poor devils on the other end of the phone to me lacked in clarity of speech they always made up for in enthusiasm!


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

I would like to tell you all about something new and rather nice that you can get from the Apple iBooks store, no not ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book you have been able to get that for ages, no something else rather wonderful. You can get John Woodcock’s brilliantly illustrated book the first in the series called ‘The Trams of Prague’

This heavily illustrated books created especially for iPads, Pods and Phones called Tram No 6 is the Naughtiest of Trams and it looks amazing.

If you would like to get this exceptional book the easy way, just click on this link:
Trams of Prague – Tram No6 is the Naughtiest of Trams


Don’t forget dear cuddly readers one and all that my translator’s heavily illustrated book has just been made available at the iBookstore or iTunes – what was it with Steve Jobs and all of the ‘i’s’?

To get whizzed straight to the store whatever it’s called just click on the picture of the cover of that wonderful book below.

Trams of Prague ePub Cover 2 1 13 225x225 75

Oct 312012
 

Christmas is coming and I know that it should never be mentioned before my birthday which is not for a month actually (hint hint) but I am always a sucker for a bargain aren’t you and look what I have found!

Two please

Wow! Now that’s great value in any currency don’t you agree. By the way if you do agree I shall have ‘them’ send a person around in a white coat immediately for you.

Mind you now that we are on the subject of Christmas there probably isn’t a better gift for any poor soul who hasn’t yet got a copy of my wonderful books and if you use the link below you can be whizzed off to Amazon to get your very own copy or buy dozens and solve your Christmas present quandary in a trice.

And that also means people in Japan and India now by the way, which is handy because although most Japanese people don’t speak or read English they apparently are drawn to the cover of my book and have started buying it in the thousands so that they can rip the front cover off and frame it, how nice!

The Indians sadly still seem to regard any paper as toilet paper and so I shan’t tell you what my spies observed in a New Deli bookshop it’s just too harrowing for such a good looking Cat and talented author to contemplate.


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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May 052011
 

At the moment there are some pretty good holiday and short break deals to all sorts of interesting destinations and they are very cheap, so cheap these holidays seem to be almost like gifts – but like any gift horse do look at the dental records first before you book anything.

The giveaway holiday destinations include Bahrain, Egypt, Morocco and other really rather volatile destinations where the locals have either that had or are having a little bit of a revolution, and have dusted off their Kalashnikov’s and taken to the streets to demand things – who knows what they are demanding and they don’t really know either but they seem to be enjoying themselves all the same.

Obviously considering any one of a number of Arab states where currently not all the shooting is into the air is a little dumb even if the price is extremely good because the likelihood of not everyone in your holiday party returning home suntanned and fit is rather high and semi-automatic bullets tend to make laundry very expensive. But there are other reasons for not holidaying in these dreadful places even if the people weren’t rioting and the reason is below.

Here is a picture I took while researching my latest blockbuster of a book – “My Travelogue.” The picture is of a top of the range toilet roadside in Tunisia, please note the various ‘classes’ of toilet from “Normal” to “Confoo” and onto the three star “Deluxe.” Of course all of these conveniences are believed by the Tunisian proprietor to be “Toilettes Confortable” which sounds like a sort of soft aftershave on paper at least!

Top of the Pile in Tunisia

Imagine the brain of the architect that ‘comes up’ (you couldn’t call it designing could you) with this block of conveniences! The two on the lefthand end are, I presume, for the poor and the cheapest is probably the one without a door. It is also possible that the doorless toilet is for poor people who are small – the Disney style height gauge nailed across the entrance is the clue there!

What is really worrying about this picture is what the Tunisians consider to be “Deluxe” the blue door on the right offers an entrance to the best toilet in the area and that says it all!

Just think, this is the only toilet for several hundred miles in any direction! And it’s a chilling thought isn’t it and the chill deepens when you consider the state of the places behind the doors!

I am not even going to describe what was there because I am a nice Cat and statements like “shit covered walls” are just not my style and neither is “dirty Arab bastards” for that matter.

Finally I leave you to guess exactly what the rolls of ‘stuff’ are that lie to the right of the cosy broken toilet block or to consider just how the area, for half a mile around, smells because of course there aren’t any sewers in the area.

The best and safest thing you can do to save money this year and help the country’s economy into the bargain is to holiday at home and then you won’t get shot at or poisoned by cheap Arab holidays or indeed catch dysentery from toilets that were obviously inspired by Indian architects and sewerage engineers.

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Jan 062011
 

Yesterday I was highlighting just how awfully politically correct and authoritarian the UK government is with a very small example of the madness of not allowing someone to put posters up asking if anyone has seen his Cat.

Mark Twain.jpg

Today I see that in the US there is the same sort of politically correct nonsense going on and worse this form of political correctness seems to be firstly generated by a commercial company and secondly against one of the 19th/20th century literary geniuses and his books Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn which of course was one of the first anti-racist novels and some would say the greatest.

In the ‘new’ editions of both Adventures of Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn which contain the offensive racial epithets “injun” and “nigger” have had the words replaced with “Indian” and “slave” respectively.

Now I have to say that the words replaced are by today’s standards probably not very nice words, and here obviously I would like to apologise to all the rap artists, hip hoppers and other generally black musicians, actors and comedians who refer to themselves and each other loudly and regularly as ‘nigger’ but spelt with an ‘a’ I believe, who should stop using the word and cut it out of any recordings, live acts and the like forthwith!

Personally I think that the people who carried out this censorship have the same political views as all of the famous fascists and communists regimes of the past rolled into one – they should be ashamed of themselves for tampering and ruining a great piece of art.

All of which makes me wonder what will happen to my books in 100 years time? Which words will some little Hitler want removed from my masterpieces of feline literature, or will my book and so many more see the hot end of a bonfire before that time? Sadly when you look at the way things are going I have a feeling they will, but then I will be in illustrious company and happily not around to have to endure the world these idiots are creating.

No wonder in his Notebook in 1894 Mark Twain wrote; “If man could be crossed with the Cat it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the Cat.”


About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

The Cat & Kindle.png

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