Tag Archives: J. K. Rowling

Religion Is Tiring

This nice little sign was above the front seat of a train I was travelling on in Thailand while researching my latest blockbuster of a book, which is due out soon, in fact I’ll be able to tell you when as soon as my agent and publisher sober up, they’ve been celebrating ever since they read it – apparently I am going to be as big as J. K. Rowling but they didn’t specify which bit of J. K. Rowling I was going to be as big as if you see what I mean!

Save Monks Legs

I think it is quite nice that you can save a Monk’s legs don’t you? Although I thought that Monks were supposed to be able to endure long periods of discomfort like err… standing and stuff, but I suppose I have watched too many Shaolin type movies, or maybe the Monks in Thailand are just not very strong.

There was one other thing that struck me about the sign – how many Monks are you supposed to offer the seat to? I asked around and no one seemed to know, but then as I was speaking English and they were speaking Thai which believe it or not doubles as a cuisine I don’t think they understood me.

You know Thai must be a very complicated language if you can use it as a cuisine too – just a thought!

Actually I have to say that the record of my trip through Thailand and indeed one or two other countries won’t be recorded in my forthcoming and soon to be blockbusting Travelogue because the ‘authorities’ there read the chapter devoted to Thailand and very graciously supplied an awful lot of cash to ‘persuade’ me to not include the chapter in my Travelogue.

Of course this clever cat isn’t dumb and Thailand together with the other countries are obligated to keep up the exorbitant (their choice of words not mine) monthly charges or I will publish a second and more complete edition of this explosive (in every way) book.

Its not really a Travelogue Too Far but it is “wicked” as my agent who seems to act as though she is 12 most of the time said.

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Only A Dog Could Be This Daft!

Just look what this dumb Dog did!

Rebel an eight month old German Shepherd Dog was heading for trouble when he decided to check out an interesting looking hole in the wall.

As you can see from the first picture ‘clever’ Rebel somehow managed to squeeze his head into a really small hole in the wall of his garden in Los Angeles, California, and then the curious bone headed bow-wow got his head well and truly stuck.

Dumb Dog.jpg

Unfortunately Rebel’s owner was out and it was only when a friend of the owner heard Rebel whining, whimpering and generally expressing a wish not to have his head sticking out of the wall that he found the pitiful pup, in what could be described as “a bit of a tight spot” he took pity on him and called the authorities.

County Animal Services officers arrived and decided the Dog was not in serious danger and obviously thought that the dim Doggie was making a song and a dance out of his predicament so they decided that if Rebel could get his head into the hole then he could jolly well get his head out of the same hole – with a bit of help of course.

Obviously the County Animal Services officers’ main concern was not to hurt Rebel, with officers on either side of the wall, they tucked in the silly pup’s ears and gently pulled him back and forth for about 30 minutes before they managed to free him.

Happily no one, either canine or human was hurt and as you can see from the next picture Rebel seems to have rather enjoyed the experience, proving that Dogs are really very dumb!

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Well I don’t know about ‘a rebel without a cause,’ this Cat would say the this was ‘a Rebel without a clue.’

Sadly I have a lot of experience with German Shepherd Dogs and I would caution anyone who believes that German Shepherd Dogs are ‘intelligent’ they really aren’t and the ones that appear to be are pretending I promise, as you will know if you have read any of my blogs, my book or indeed my www – wickedly wonderful website my German Shepherd Dog ‘Ben’ is how can I put this in the most flattering way possible err – ‘challenged.’

If you didn’t get my book for Christmas don’t worry there are plenty here Amazon.com or if you want you can order one from my website here www.thecatsdiary.com.

I hope that eventually everyone will have a copy of my book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and not only because that will make me ‘J-K-Rowling-Rich’ but also because unlike Harry Potter my books will make you laugh and therefore the world a brighter place.

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You May Know That I Don’t Care Much For Harry Potter – But!

You may or may not know that I don’t much care for Harry Potter and all things wizardly and before you say something I know that I am part of a very small minority – mmh I wonder if I can get state aid or a grant or something for being in a small minority?

My dislike is obviously based on my jealousy of Saint J K Rowling (patron saint of the book publishing industry) who singlehandedly kept book reading alive and sold more books in a month than I probably will ever sell, so you could say that I have every right to be jealous couldn’t you?

I don’t like Harry Potter for all sorts of reasons if you must ask. I fall asleep trying to read it and worst of all there are no laughs in it not even a bit of a smile here and there.

Still even with this aversion to HP, JK et al I have to say that I liked the picture below and that is because you can see that Harry’s fans have got older and if you don’t believe me read the banner at the premier of the latest installment of the HP movies

All Grown Up Now.jpg

I sincerely hope that it was a wand in his pocket har ha!

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The Cat – Always Giving

Yesterday afternoon instead of finding the person responsible for the oil spill outside The Cat Towers and getting them to start a massive clean up operation I had to rush to the rescue of a dear talented and tortured friend. Yes it was an emergency and so I took loads of tissues, nasal spray, chocolate, sticky buns and of course Mint Imperials.

My dear friend and fellow best selling author J.K. Rowling called around tea time in floods of tears and in between the sound of her blowing her nose and grizzling she asked me to drop by and have one of our heart to hearts.

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Obviously this is not an uncommon emergency, dear J.K. Rowling or ‘Pesty’ as I call her has been a constant caller over the ten or so years she has been writing her best sellers. You know she calls for advice on grammar, spelling, story lines, character’s names and so much more. In the early days when she was a struggling single Mother she’d even ask for change for the electric meter or a cup of coffee and some toast so that she didn’t get ejected from the coffee bar she used to write in.

Frankly I thought after she became the patron saint of the publishing industry she would stop calling but the calls have just become more frequent if anything. When she’d call she would ask not only for help with her writing but also what did I think of the latest movie, was a Harry Potter theme park a good idea?

Sometimes I have a feeling I think I made things worse but not better, especially when I voiced my ‘concerns’ over the movies but good advice honestly given is a valuable commodity and Pesty was a ardent customer.

So there we were sitting in her ‘drawing room,’ her butler and maids dismissed after arranging the coffee cups for the tenth time, yes this is a girl who has gone up in the world, and she just broke down again. It seems that my dear friend is having some trouble with her latest literary project and earnestly wanted my advice.

After the fifth iced bun and in between cracking open yet another pair of Mint Imperials between her molars Pesty let out an enormous sob, blew her nose on a very damp tissue and opened her heart yet again.

It seemed that pesty’s latest blockbuster in progress was not going at all well, in fact although Pesty had taken a multi million advance from her publisher to buy Rhode Island or something she was stuck, and she wanted to run the story line (so far) by me.

The latest series of books Pesty had decided should be a story about a boy in a kindergarten. The boy called Larry Cotter possessed special powers and two idiot friends who would follow him through any nonsense of a contrived plot.

I sort of sighed and opened my mouth to offer my opinion but before I could dear Pesty put her sticky finger to her mouth to not only ssssh me but also to pop in a couple more Mint Imperials to crack open and crunch as she went on.

“There’s more before you tell me what a good idea ‘The Mystic Adventures of Larry Cotter’ are!” Pesty said with a bravado that nearly broke my heart.

“The teachers at the kindergarten are all very strange and all seem to be against poor Larry who is a bit weedy, but they all turn out to be really rather nice,” the fingers ssshed me again, “and there will be computers, Robots and modern stuff because Larry is not only weedy but also a computer nerd who can build Robots and other modern stuff.”

When Pesty took a breath I expected her sticky fingers to touch her lips for silence but it appeared that she had stopped talking ‘that’ was ‘it’ the entire plot for the next series of five or so books – “mmh I though.”

Well what could I say? I have always told Pesty the truth and look what that has done for her so that is what I told her now, as she rang for a plate of fresh cream filled cakes and after they had arrived took one in each hand so that her mouth would not be empty while I continued.

Had she really explored all of her other ideas I asked earnestly, well yes she said she had started with a story about a college student called Barry Otter who had special powers but that didn’t seem to pan out because he kept growing up and becoming a Cost Accountant.

Sobbing and dripping tears onto the last mouthful of cream cake in her left hand she said that she had then explored the possibilities of a book about a young primary school boy called Nigel Jefferies who came from a children’s home, had a club foot and was in the school choir because he could sing like an angel, but sadly she didn’t seem to be able to work any special powers or magic into the tale and worse when she imagined Nigel playing ‘Poundpitch’ which she thought would be the next ‘Quidditch’ all she could see was him falling off his broom.

Things were, I decided, worse than I thought! Pesty had lost it! Unfortunately it was now up to me to tell her the brutal truth but how that was the problem?

Then I had a brilliant idea, the best way to ensure that people in need suddenly dry their eyes, cheer up, and it has to be said get rid of their visitors as quickly as possible is to ask a favour and rather than break the news that Pesty’s literary career was in a mess this is what I decided to do.

“Actually I have a problem too,” I said as earnestly as possible, “I am starting out on my latest series of books which have a working title of ‘Things and People I Really Loathe Vols 1-3’ and I wondered if you could help me with some of the references. Was the name Harry Potter your first choice name for your main character?”

Just as I expected the tears dried, the cream smeared hands were wiped on the sofa and the last Mint Imperial chewed noisily to destruction.

“Cat” smiled Pesty, “you know I love you and I owe you a lot because you have offered me so much help over the years and that is why I am so sorry I have to say that I can’t help you at the moment. Actually I have something really important to do so you must leave, it has been nice but I do have a book to write.”

As I left Pesty Mansions I knew that the old Pesty was back and soon Barry Otter, Larry Cotter or indeed a female hero called Carrie Lotter would be soon weaving his or her magic over his or her adoring fans, Pesty was back!

On Mint Imperials

It is possible that some readers don’t know what a Mint Imperial actually is and because I am a caring Cat and best selling author I thought that I would offer you a description and a photograph of the little tooth breaking delicious minty treats and indeed a link if you want to try the little minty devils for yourself.

Mint Imperials are small misshapenly roundish candies. They have a Minty rock hard sugar coating and a Minty softer inside they are definitely supposed to be sucked to extinction but because most people who have one, two or in pesty’s case three of these delightful treats in their mouth, tend not to be able to resist crunching on them they are not only delicious but noisy and of course literally Minty through and through.

Obviously the crunching is what can, and does, break teeth which is why dentists say they think that eating Mint Imperials and indeed any boiled sweet is a bad idea, but at night at their dark gathering secretly give thanks to the confectionery industry for making them and thereby increasing dentist’s income by at least a factor of four.

There is a great pile of information here Wikipedia if you want to read more about Mint Imperials.

Mint Imperials.jpg

If you really would like to try the little devils and risk a tooth or two you could always order some here Sweet Memory Lane.co.uk

I have to stress that I don’t have any connection with Sweet Memory Lane.co.uk in any way what so ever and that means sadly that when my fans put in bulk orders on my recommendation I won’t see a “brass farthing” to quote Charlie Dickens which is a damn shame because Sweet Memory Lane.co.uk seem to know how to charge if you see what I mean, when I was a Kitten a quarter of a pound which is probably 113 gms was sixpence now Sweet Memory Lane.co.uk want a whole British Pound and although British Pounds are pretty worthless a pond seems a lot, but they are worth the cost – promise and you could always send me some.

No not the Mint Imperials the British Pounds silly! You can donate them here – www.thecatsdiary.com just use the donate button here often!

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