Sep 062012
 

Ok my dear cuddly readers be prepared for something of a shock! Look what was in the inside of the lid of my instant coffee jar!

Cat in a Cap 3

Or should I say look… the hand of god has created an imagine of himself in the inside of the lid of my coffee jar, either way is this a miracle, is god really two Cats?

In all honestly I don’t know the answer to the question above just as the fools who report sightings of statues that suddenly start to bleed from the hands or more bizarrely, if that is possible, from the eyes. Neither do the people who see the face of Jesus in their breakfast cereal they just see something that is odd, spooky or strange and attach some nonsense to it so here goes – God is two Cats and they live in on the inside of my coffee jar! I can here the funny farm sirens now!

On the other hand I could just say look at the odd pattern that I’ve discovered in the lid of my coffee jar and that be an end to it.

Although oddly enough the coffee jar lid has been unscrewed and screwed back up dozens of times now and the image remains as it was when it first appeared like a small brown crop circle oooH! ooh ooh spooky noises abound!

Just to prove that (1) I am a dreadful photographer, (2) my camera is pretty rubbish and (3) I am not telling ‘porky pies’ (lies) I have added three images of the incredible ‘event’ that is the inside of my coffee jar. Below are the other two, one has light shining on it although I didn’t use a flash. And no I haven’t enhanced, improved or tampered with the pictures in any way what so ever – Cat’s honour!

Cat in a Cap 1

Cat in a Cap 2


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Feb 162012
 

It’s one of those questions isn’t it, not unlike the question which asks if Schrödinger’s Cat is alive or dead in his box. Before I go on I would just like to ask if Mr Schrödinger’s fed the Moggy in the Box because if he didn’t then I am afraid I know the answer to that particular question!

Cat in A Box

So is Jesus going to come out of his box and make a lot of people happy and probably get an even bigger following than Elvis this time around? Well the answer to that question is on the roof of the shack in the picture below.

Selling Jesus

So hallelujah brothers and sisters Jesus is alive and well and and in a true religious manner available for lease and I bet if the price is right he could be bought lock, stock and bible!

Now sadly I couldn’t think of a really great graph to go here and as I have said once before graphs are good for blogs, they make them look authoritative and let’s face it this Cat needs all of the help he can get in the authoritative department. But happily I did find a pie chart and as if by some divine coincidence it does have a passing reference to religion and I understand Jesus apart from being a christian name in Spain and pronounced ‘Haysus,’ it is also presumably a christian name on the West Bank, Palestine (where Jesus was born) so here it is, now call me a lightweight if you dare!

Religions

Continuing on in a non-lightweight vein for a moment, when I was researching this blog – alright having a quick click through the internet – I found this interesting little site which casts doubt that the birthplace of Jesus (Bethlehem) existed when he was supposed to be born there! Shock horror!

To quote the blasphemers – oops sorry archaeologists – they say that Jesus’ birthplace just didn’t exist at the time of his birth, well they say this actually and I think it is the same.

“While Luke and Matthew describe Bethlehem in Judea as the birthplace of Jesus, “Menorah,” the vast database of the Israel Antiquities Authority (IAA), describes Bethlehem as an “ancient site” with Iron Age material and the fourth-century Church of the Nativity and associated Byzantine and medieval buildings. But there is a complete absence of information for antiquities from the Herodian period – that is, from the time around the birth of Jesus.”

So if you are now a very annoyed christian and want to do what the Muslims would do in this situation, find a few effigies of the authors to burn, threaten them with Jihad, or generally just get a little pissed off that someone somewhere dares to not believe the fairytales – oops sorry gospels that you believe in you can toddle along to the Archaeological Institute of America website and read more before you ‘explode’ though not literally please.

If you can’t wait to find the article that says that someone has told a big ‘porkie pie’ (lie) about the birthplace of Jesus then here is the link that you should go to straight away Where was Jesus Born?

Mind you, you may have to take what the Israel Antiquities Authority says with a pinch of salt because as far as I know to jews Jesus wasn’t who he said he was or some such nonsense, all of which goes to prove that the only religion which is the right, true and just religion is the one that you currently believe in!

So I now think that it’s time to introduce you to a new and fast growing religion, which will cost you less to join than the Mormon, Catholic and even the Muslim religion especially as our radical wing does’t call for you to make a mess of a suburb near you if you see what I mean!

Catism is “the new way” and you can sign up today with no initial payment and a wonderfully flexible low cost payment plan, which can be tailored to your individual requirements, so what are you waiting for brothers and sisters join today because “we have a long road to travel and I’ve seen the promised land. I may not get there with you, because my legs are a bit short and I tend to lag behind when out walking with humans and actually I have already been to the mountaintop.”


About the Author – The Author of the Cat Diary

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Nov 042010
 

Ok to be honest the story of my defective Mac Mini which was obviously thrown together by the Chinese with little or no regard for quality control is nearly at an end and won’t probably make it into the saga stakes. The retailer obviously read my blog and of course the not as funny emails of complaint that I sent them every hour or so and guess what – my new Mac Mini arrives shortly having been despatched from the UK yesterday – how about that for service? No bad eh!

Better still the computer won’t have a Czech language operating system so I will actually be able to use it and better still – almost – it was cheaper to buy the computer in the UK, mind you not as cheap as it would be if I bought exactly the same computer in the states – Apple operate on the old soviet style monetary exchange where one dollar exactly equals one pound – yeah right you commies as if!

So if what passes for quality control in China allows for my new Mac Mini to actually be used without the damn thing being defective upon arrival I will be writing my next blog from a different machine a sexy powerful little computer that like me has great looks and enormous style.

Book on Screen.png

As you can see the picture of the Mac Mini still has a picture of my wonderful book’s cover and you can still buy my book from any book shop anywhere in the world but here are some alternative suggestions at Amazon.com and again as my regular readers will tell you, you can get a signed copy of my marvellous book from my www.thecatsdiary.com.

and so much more – and most of what is there you don’t have to pay for which is handy these days isn’t it?

Lastly not only is my birthday coming up but also someone who is nearly as famous – Jesus and as we know Christmas time is a time for gifts and extravagant acts of great kindness, yes and also Irish Republican Army attacks of shoppers in England, but we all know that the idea is to give a gift or three at Christmas and indeed birthdays my birthday is on November 17th and I would be delighted if you start to send me presents for that now and to save postage I don’t mind if you put my Christmas gift/s in the same parcel.

My readers, fans and even stalkers are all so very kind – oh one thing before I forget, if you were thinking of getting me a Mac Mini for my birthday or Christmas then it might be an idea to think of something else – I always think that cash is always a wonderful gift and and instantly shows the measure of your generosity! Just don’t forget to double the amount if you want to cover Christmas will you.

Mmmh! I do hope I don’t sound too much like a charity or church when telling my lovely huggable readers what I want for my birthday and Christmas but it is best I think to let you know what I want because I am a much more worthy cause than either of those.

Lastly well done to the Republicans I bet that they are thanking God that the American people have such sort memories – who go you guys into the mess that you are in with their lax banking laws and avoidable wars?

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Apr 062010
 

The reaction to my latest brilliant idea has been amazing and so what was going to be a very quiet Easter weekend turned into a sort of email fest, where I was replying to fans taking advantage of my amazingly clever idea and of course brilliant scheme – The Great Giveaway

What am I talking about? Well my fantastic giveaway of course (check the link here or my last blog for more information.

The Great Giveaway has been so successful that I am already thinking of expanding it and will probably look at getting some Apple iPads for prizes when they come over here to Europe if they turn out to be more popular than iPod Touches, although what am I saying? That is like John Lennon saying that the Beatles were more famous than the son of God and look who fills more venues now? So what sort of idiot would say that?

One thing I am going to change though is this – I will have to reluctantly change the system a little and send an automated reply and that is because sending all of those email replies by paw over the Easter weekend meant that I couldn’t write any blogs or more importantly put on a few pounds by eating Easter Eggs followed by large numbers of Hot Cross Buns!

Well I hope that you had a very Happy Easter, I am off to cuddle up against a large Chocolate Easter Egg in the window and eat until I pop. Oh don’t worry about the Chocolate melting I am looking forward to cleaning that off my fur, you know how we Cats get clean, it will be like a second helping of Chocolate Egg won’t it?

As you can see from a picture taken on Easter Sunday, Peter the Chocolate Hand Crafted Bunny didn’t really put up much of a fight especially after a quick munch on the Creme Egg, wow the sugar rush you get from one of those babies could power the Space Shuttle if it wasn’t being retired this year. After one bite I was quite ready to wrestle control of the world and not just bite the head off a Bunny.

Easter-Half-Eaten.jpg

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Feb 012010
 
whale.jpeg.jpg

Hello all, I have just finished my toasted Tuna sandwich – I do wish that ‘they’ would hold the toast, but what can you do when you only get toasted Tuna sandwiches when they have slipped off a serving plate on the way to the kitchen table and taken a tumble down here, to the Cat shelf!

Anyway I have finished the Tuna filling from a really nice toasted Tuna sandwich, I of course, licked off all of the low cal spread, yes it is one of those weeks here – a slimming week poor humans, and I even tried to bite my way through the Tuna tasting toast but the darn stuff crunches everywhere doesn’t it and everywhere in this case was right up my nose.

After sneezing a lot I checked the news on the good old, though dreadfully bias, inaccurate and advert filled BBC News.co.uk and was delighted to see a nice story for a change!

Blue Whales who are some of us mammals biggest relatives have started to sing their “whale songs” in a deeper key, or that is what I read from someone who obviously has been listening at their doors.

In so much that the news was just about Blue Whales singing in a deeper tone the news wasn’t up to much obviously, but it was the next bit of the news which pricked (if you can say that on a blog?) up my interest.

Some scientists believe that the reason why our biggest of cousins and I am not talking about big Auntie Susan here, oh no, still the Blue Whales, the reason why they have dropped down to baritone (even the lady Blue Whales apparently) is that they could be happier that their numbers have increased and put them less at risk at becoming extinct, which let’s face it is a pretty good reason for a good old sing song.

They are, it would seem, happier as baritones even the lady Blue Whales bless them, I’ll say no more.

So next I was going to make a light of this monumental moment for Blue Whales and that is because I am happy for them and also because a little ‘gagette’ here and there does tend to brighten the day doesn’t it?

And I have to say I love to brighten anyone’s day, because they then tend to go off and buy my book which regular readers will tell you is excellent and that you can you can buy it here Amazon.com.

But sadly the object of my little joke a person who won the xFactor or is that the XFactor sometime ago is missing. She was it seemed a nice lady and won by singing from a classical repertoire which is also nice. Obviously I don’t watch TV if something like this lighter than air entertainment is on because it makes me want to hurk up one or two fur balls so I didn’t remember the dear lady’s name.

Obviously when you can’t remember something a good place to look is Bing.com it is more of a search engine than Google.com and even if it isn’t it has less annoying adverts and inaccuracies. So I typed in a few key words as you do and got nowhere what so ever.

It seems that a winner of the xFactor is like a butterfly, they appear, they entertain, (though of course few butterflies sing either pop or classical music), and then they disappear which is probably just as well from what I have heard of what is describes as their “talent” bless them.

But it is annoying for this comedic Cat because I was going to say that the Blue Whales’ drop in tone might be something to do with listening to this nice lady who won the xFactor and has obviously now vanished, but the gag doesn’t work so well when it is explained like that and anyway I may have gone on to say why the Blue Whales were singing in deeper voices and that might have got a little rude.

So all in all I suppose it is a good thing for all concerned that winners of the xFactor disappear for good. One thing I did notice in my bing.com style search is that the person to blame for the xFactor, a Simon someone, is leaving the show!

Let’s hope that he follows the ‘stars’ that he has created and slips as quietly as possible into total obscurity and that soon after the show Titanic-like, joins him, because it all sounds so awful.

Still what do I care really? I don’t is the answer!

Actually a thought just occurred to me, and it is that I may have an answer as to why the Blue Whales are singing in a deeper tone and that is of course that they are in training for an appearance on the xFactor show, ah yes it all becomes clear now!

Lastly, I am so glad that I, a good looking Cat, wasn’t a ‘one hit wonder’ and just famous for a mere five minutes! And I would like to thank all of my fans for making that possible.

Now you have to work on your friends and make me more famous than John Lennon, who bless him, once said in a fit of complete stupidity that he was more famous than Jesus! Whoever he is? Let’s face it what have either of them done recently har ha.

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