Tag Archives: John Woodcock

Look what I saw crossing Red Square last night

I am sorry if the title of this blog causes any alarm or confusion, the reason for the alarm is obvious but the confusion might come from the title itself “Look what I saw crossing Red Square last night.” I was in fact crossing Red Square as well as the Rocket on the transporter and the title may suggest that only one of us, the bigger one was!

Rocket 1

Now you have to agree, unless you are like Saddam Hussein, George Bush, Tony Blair and Colin Powell very impressed by Weapons of Mass Destruction or WMD (which oddly enough like the names of the people mentioned here we don’t hear much about these days), you have to feel just a touch of panic when a beast carrying enough explosives to ruin breakfast in half of anyone’s continent comes trundling towards you in what is I thought a tourist spot.Especially when the driver of the behemoth can’t see where he is going because the Russians spent all of their money on the rocket and almost nothing on the headlights!

I did panicking proud as I raced between the wheels of this trundling monster and headed back towards my hotel at approximately the same speed as the rocket the transporter was um… transporting could do if some idiot in a concrete silo somewhere pressed the red button.

After I dived into the hotel and the fuss of me being ‘missing’ was over, to take my mind off the episode my hosts asked me if there was anything I would like to see while I was in “Mother Russia?” I was probably still thinking about my earlier encounter with the big beast crossing Red Square and so I asked, quite reasonably I thought, to have a look at the Plesetsk Cosmodrome and that I have to say caused quite a storm.

Apparently and this is between me, and the hundreds of thousands of people who read my blog of course, and so confidentially ‘safe’ as MI5 call it, my ‘minders’ as they liked to call themselves when they thought I wasn’t listening didn’t like that little cracker of an idea one bit and seemed more miffed than they usually were.

Later I worked out that mentioning the Plesetsk Cosmodrome was not good form because just a month ago a former chief test engineer called Lieutenant Colonel Vladimir Nesterets from the Plesetsk Cosmodrome had admitted selling top secret data on Russian intercontinental ballistic missiles to America… whoops! And had been sentenced to 13 years in a Russian clink.

Rocket 2

Well all I can say is I hope that the Americans paid him a lot of money for his secrets because let’s face it the hotels in Russia are like prisons so what, you have to ask, are the prisons like?

Sadly my request was turned down. The official reason being that the Rocket Base was just too far North and the unofficial reason was that my FSB (exKGB) (I never realised that letters could be so dangerous) minders thought that I was a rotten furry capitalist pig spy working for any number of imperialists governments.

I have always thought that it was strange that the Russians back in the old cold days thought of us westerners as ‘imperialists’ and not themselves as their empire stretched farther than even Gary Power’s spy plane could see from the ‘stans to Poland and everything in-between. The ‘stand’ are of course Uzbekistan, Kazakstan and the rest which are all really rather Stinkystans if you ask me!

So I have a feeling based on last night that my visit to Russia is going to be truncated which is probably best for both parties though the seafood is excellent it doesn’t compensate for either the weather or the lack of jolly company I even miss that great oaf John Woodcock my translator believe it or not and I thought a trip away from that fool would be wonderful, it just goes to show that even Cats can be wrong.

Mind you and as always I have found the people who have attended my book ‘pawings’ (or signings if you prefer) to be wonderful, happy and smiley and all of them to any Olga or any Vlad have patted me on the head, bashed me with their designer watches or gold bracelets the size of a small cars and thanked me for a book that I have recently realised they won’t be able to read.

Between you and me rather too many have been moved to kiss me on the cheeks in spite of my fishy breath which is probably more fishy than usual as I keep a pot of Caviar next to me while squeezing the flesh and glad pawing the punters.

Amazingly I have become a fashion icon and my book “Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary” a ‘must have’ for the rich and stupid. Just like Hugo Boss, Giorgio Armani and all of the great confidence trickiest of the age I have become iconic in my case a literary icon, but still one an icon that can move vast amounts of ‘product.’

Outside the shops I have been to in Moscow my personally ‘pawed’ books have been changing hands for hundreds of thousands in hard currency, footballer style Bentleys, Lamborghinis and other Richmobiles turn up at the kerb and flunkies who have queued all night hand over my book wearing gloves to excited Oligarchs and their trophy wives.

It’s incredible, though I am not complaining, what people will do when they are told or there is some sort of viral rumour that something is “wonderful” even though they might not see it themselves. But then that’s how fashion works isn’t it, a couture house gives one or more fools some of their frocks and the next thing you know everyone wants one, and it works even better if those fools happen to have found themselves (by accident surely) on the Time Magazine 100 most influential people in the world just because one of them married a British Royal and the other is her sister. I ask you what is the world coming to when out of all the influential people in the world who actually have meaning and influence their are two such airheads on a list like that?

Mmh I wonder who it was who posted this picture on a lot of Russian website of Middletons with a copy of my book in the hand of the newly wed? It seems as though someone has perpetrated a terrible ruse – or should that read terribly successful ruse still fools are easily parted with their money and no one said that Russians Oligarchs are intelligent did they? They are just friends with the more than dreadful Pres Put…

Middletons Can read

Of course I wouldn’t want to use President Putin’s name in full here use in case their are reprisals I don’t fancy being prodded up the bum with a poisoned umbrella by one of his ex-KGB pals as I mind my own business being wonderful and famous do I?


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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The Trams of Prague

I just wanted to say well done to my Translator Mr. John Woodcock because his ebook ‘Tram No6 – The Naughtiest of Trams’ which is the first book in the ‘The Trams of Prague’ series has started to sell really well as a the number of people who have colour ebook readers grows thanks to the enormous increase in sales of the Amazon Kindle Fire and the iPad.

trams-cover.jpg

Mr. John Woodcock says that he thinks the reason why ‘Tram No6 – The Naughtiest of Trams’ is selling so well is that it’s illustrated in colour through-out and was one of the first picture books written and developed for colour ereaders (probably why it stuck on the shelves of Amazon.com and Amazon.co.uk for so long before they we’re invented – and not my first thought which was that he is a talentless nobody who is only employed as my translator because he is the only human in the world who can speak Cat. You will know exactly what I think of him if you have read my book ‘Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ which out sells Mr. John Woodcock’s book by thousands to one!

Of course I very rarely make references to other books when I can always mention my own which are such masterpieces but there is always a first time for everything as my Mum said when she was strapping the Bungee cord to her ankle, which of course is another story… which I am writing at the moment and Mr. John Woodcock is desperately trying to translate!

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Christmas Seems To Have Started

Xmas HollyIt’s odd Christmas seems to have started very early this year even before Thanksgiving and that surely is a record!

Still I can’t complain because my wonderful supportive and amazingly cuddly readers both old and new are buying my books in their thousands and apart from saying “please don’t stop,” I would like to thank them so very much for helping to keep a genius of a Cat warm this Christmas and indeed some way into the New Year.

Xmas HollyOf course I would stress that you, dear cuddly readers shouldn’t stop buying my books and that if you can you should buy even more because I have a little plan that I would like to share with you.

I plan to buy a Yacht! Well all sorts of successful people have Yachts and indeed a lot of people who are no longer very successful like poor old Stevie Spielberg who must be tearing his hair out wondering how to get a movie hit.

Here is a bit of advice for Steve – if you want a movie hit don’t what ever you do chose a story that is old and tired and written by a Belgian, oops sorry too late – isn’t the Tintin movie a bit of a Dog?

So what was I saying, oh yes I want to buy a Yacht, nothing too fancy just somewhere to entertain guests and special cuddly readers, sail the world and be very very comfortable – you do think I am worth it don’t you? Oops sorry for the l’Oréal moment!

Xmas Holly

Oh I nearly forgot with all of the Xmas excitement here is a silly picture from somewhere where being daft is being normal – the human world -and in particular Kenya.

Ladies and Gentlemen and all cuddly readers I give you a ‘Kenyan Suggestion Box!’ Isn’t it just the best suggestion box in the world and definitely deals appropriately with all of the idiot suggestions that you get in boxes of this sort.

You Know Where You Can Put Your Suggestions  Keyna

Xmas HollyLastly if you haven’t got the copies of my books that you intend to give as cherished Christmas presents this year there is still plenty of time if you shop at www.amazon.com or indeed www.amazon.co.uk. Just to help you there are some more specific links below, but before those I would like to draw your attention to a book written and illustrated by my translator John Woodcock.

His book is called Trams of Prague Kindle edition and it has been enjoying a bit of success recently. Obviously the tome is not selling as well as Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary or indeed my latest and greatest (to date) book The Cat’s Travelogue but it’s nice to see that the old boy has got what it takes to ‘make it’ on his own without my help, don’t you think?

If he sells a lot of copies of his book Trams of Prague I think I’ll buy him a rowing boat so he can visit me on my Yacht! You dear cuddly readers can help and buy his book here Trams of Prague Kindle edition. I thought I would show you a picture of the cover he is really rather good at illustrating and that’s handy because Trams of Prague is what they call in the trade – heavily illustrated.

Trams of Prague Kindle edition

Xmas Holly

If you need to save time and get whizzed straight to www.amazon.com to buy one or better still multiple copies of my books I have, being a kind and generous Cat, made it so very simple that even a human can do it. Just click one or all of the links below.

Xmas Holly

Paperback edition of Getting Out at Amazon.com

Kindle edition of Getting Out at Amazon.com

Paperback edition of The Cat’s Travelogue at Amazon.com

Kindle edition of The Cat’s Travelogue at Amazon.com

Xmas Holly

Of course I could go on and add more specific links to the www.amazon.co.uk pages of my books but this blog page is getting a little cluttered with links don’t you think? And worse you might thing that I was just after your money, and I promise that simply isn’t true! As I said above I want a Yacht!

Xmas Holly

Finally (honestly), do you get the impression from this blog that I rather like Christmas time and in particular Holly? Well if you do you would be right I really do because it is a great time to buy my books, so what are you waiting for?

The Things People Feed Horses

You humans are an odd bunch and with your mad actions sometimes get us animals into a lot of trouble, my subject to illustrate this is what you humans do and indeed don’t do when feeding Horses.

It’s a little known fact that’s only common knowledge in the equine community that horses really like Polos Mints which are small round mint flavoured boiled sweets with a hole in them but sadly very few people feed Horses Polos, instead they give them handfuls of grass, carrots and anything else they have to hand and that includes fingers.

Who s Fingers

When a human gives a Horse a finger or two to eat it isn’t always clear to the Horse or indeed the investigating authorities that the human intended the Horse to have a finger buffet. In fact some humans after feeding a finger or two to an innocent Horse and become really rather too irate about the whole matter and like their fingers the matter can get out of hand if you see what I mean!

There is some good news for humans who want to feed the odd Horse who they see standing alone in a field looking rather forlorn. Horses love treats and there is no real reason why you shouldn’t give them one but it has to be stressed do please only give a Horse one treat because Horses can unfortunately be described as greedy and will literarily eat themselves sick and if you can find out if the Horse can eat what you want to feed it.

In general when you give a Horse a treat it can be almost anything fruity or veggie, Oranges, Carrots, Apples or even a Banana but never ever give a Horse the tops (green bits) of Carrots or the peel from a Banana. In addition do ensure that you cut up what you feed a Horse into small cubes because Horses can have digestion problems and as I mentioned above it’s always best, if possible, ask the Horses owner what the Horse likes to eat and more importantly what the Horse can eat.

Asking the Horse’s owner will ensure that you feed the Horse what he or she can eat a lot of Horse can develop nasty diseases such as Colic which can be a dangerous, even life threatening, illness for Horses.

When you want to feed a Horse or give them a treat the best way to do this is to hold the treat out to the Horse in the palm of your hand, making sure that your fingers are completely extended and your hand is as flat as you possibly can make it.

Horses in fields

Lastly don’t go into the fields with a handful, armful, or bucketful of treats, thinking the Horses on the other side of the field won’t notice. Because before you realise it, you will be in the middle of a number of Horses all competing rather too boisterously for treats, unfortunately hungry Horses can get a little pushy and as they are almost always ten times bigger and heavier than the average human, humans tend to get hurt by ‘enthusiastic’ Horses.

Just for your information the wonderful illustration of ‘Two Horses at a gate waiting for treats’ is kindly provided by Mr John Woodcock (my translator) from his book ‘Tram No 6 the Naughtiest of Trams’ which is the first in a series of books from the series ‘Trams of Prague’

You can purchase an ebook of this excellent beautifully illustrated book here at www.amazon.com Trams of Prague ebook for use on Kindle Fire, iPod Touch, iPad and all other great colour eReaders. Or of course you can get it on my www.wickedlywonderfulwebsite the www.thecatsdiary.com. It will make a great Christmas stocking filler.

Trams of Prague Kindle edition

And the good news is that a picture book edition will be available next year.

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Damn Seagulls

The Summer is coming to an end, but here we in Europe and I understand the UK are having what is known in some circles as an ‘Indian Summer’ I don’t know why it is called that or indeed if a hot dry spell in the Autumn is called an ‘Indian Summer’ in India for that matter.

I expect the Indians have a different name for a brief sunny period at the end of their Summer mainly because I have a feeling that the English overlords in the time of the Raj would have used the phrase and these days it would seem that anything English in India is a little frowned upon – apart from the use of the English language of course, the Indians, bless them, think that they speak marvellous English – oh dear if only they knew the truth!

I’ll give you a real life example when Andy from Bedford comes on the phone in the early evening when you are tying to stop the Dog eating the children’s supper and encouraging the youngest to actually do what the Dog wants to do, while answering the door to another batch of Jehovah’s Witnesses and keeping the Cat off the kitchen work surfaces, Andy from ‘Bedford’ calls from his New Delhi call centre pretending to be only 40 miles up the road.

Now this pretence is not only doomed to failure because of his pronunciation of the English language it is made worse by the sound quality of the ‘Skype’ like phone system he is calling on and of course the mayhem going on all around the family home, and made even worse by the fact that Andy from Bedford wants to “confirm that you are Miecester. Woodcock,” even though you have a woman’s voice (because you are Mr. Woodcock’s far better half and he is late again with his supper heading towards the Dog’s bowl with ever passing quarter of an hour).

Andy from Bedford ignores any attempt to shut him up including sarcasm and eventually swearing and keeps asking you “to confirm your phone number,” which you would never in a million years give out to some odd sounding heavily accented stranger on the phone.

Reading from his script Andy from Bedford blithely continues “I just want to take a coupole minutes of your very valuable time to discuss.”

You eventually tell Andy from Bedford to FO, slam the phone down and then get ready for his retribution, twenty calls spread over the next hour.

Opps I seem to have veered right off the point of this little blog which is this; Summer is coming to an end but it is still nice and warm, in England we call that an Indian Summer but I expect the Indians don’t because they wouldn’t like to be reminded of the English except to sell them broadband, financial planning or insurance on the phone.

Now that I am back on track I can finish by saying I thought the sign below reminded me of a trip to Clearwater Beach in Florida where the Seagulls are so aggressive that they not only steal your food they shower it back at you when they have digested it. Sorry about the wait for the punchline.

Damn Seagulls

A Special Request From Mr. John Woodcock

Hello to all of my cuddly readers. Today I have to fulfill a special request from my odd job man and occasional translator. The special request is to open up My Amazingly Readable Blog and www.wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com for him to let you all know about a film that his daughter is in.

As Jo Woodcock is not only much better looking (not difficult I hear you say if you have seen the dreadful aforementioned Mr. Woodcock) she has more talent in her left paw – opps sorry foot – than Mr. W could ever pretend to possess or even after a herculean effort – muster.

Jo at Night

So because Jo Woodcock is going to be almost as famous as me your friendly neighbourhood genius and wonderfully talented Cat, I would like to present her latest movie (err… sorry… movie poster) the movie is called ‘Powder.’

Powder is a UK production and so will be out in the UK first on August 26th 2011 as you quaint humans call it. Actually its nice that a movie is premiering in the UK first for a change although it does mean that you nice folks over in the land where you spell ‘colour’ this way – ‘color’ will have to wait for the release or better still buy it as soon as you can on www.Amazon.com, thereby avoiding listening to people in the cinema eating popcorn, slurping Slurpees, and generally being annoying humans.

Actually I have had a really brilliant idea – the only question is why am I surprised?

If you haven’t ordered recently a copy of my wonderful book ‘Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ you could order another copy at the same time when you visit www.Amazon.com. You can get a copy of my book here of course Amazon.com but then you probably know that by now don’t you.

Powder

If you’re interested you can read just a little bit more (and I mean that) here Powder the Movie or if you prefer to not to use links here – http://www.sodapictures.com/cinema/177. As a bit of an occasional gossip I can give you a choice snippet of information that you won’t find anywhere and that is that the ‘hunk’ on the poster is Jo’s co-star and in real life – boyfriend. He is the very talented Liam Boyle though of course I’ll leave you humans to decide upon his ‘hunkiness’ you all look the same to Cats and that isn’t helped by the fact that you all tend to be one colour or another and not piebald, skewbald, black and white, tortoise shell and other glorious Cat colours.

If you want to see more of Jo Woodcock and discover what other productions she has acted in, then the natural place to drop by would be jowoodcock.com and again if you don’t like links just type this into the old ‘puter http://jowoodcock.com.

So being a wonderful Cat and general ‘feline humanitarian’ if that isn’t too much for you to get your head around I have done my good turn for the day and made a crazed old translator very happy and rightly too he is a proud father, happily he is a proud father of someone who he can be proud of.

Mmh should I invent a new word for what I have done? Why not – I am a ‘felineitarian’ oh dear that doesn’t sound right does it? Unless of course we all practice saying ‘felineitarian’ every day for a month and then decided whether ‘felineitarian’ is a good enough word to qualify for an entry into the wonderful and ever trustworthy dictionary that is Collins Dictionary.

Obviously ‘felineitarian’ could easily make it into the Webster’s Dictionary or the ever dreadful ‘Encarta’ but then both of those dictionaries are crammed full of misspelt words that no respectable dictionary would ever consider including.

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Sauce Of The Sweet & Sour Goose

Kung Fu Panda 2 007

As a lot of us know Hollywood’s latest animated blockbuster from Dreamworks, the Chinese themed Kung Fu Panda II, opened in the US and China at the weekend and it by all accounts did rather well, which is nice.

The first instalment (imaginatively entitled Kung Fu Panda II – but with one less ‘I’) broke box office records in China three years ago but was criticised in some quarters as western exploitation of Chinese culture.

Do you agree with with this Cat and think that the Chinese have at least two faces and are being rather silly about saying that Kung Fu Panda I or indeed Kung Fu Panda II are “western exploitation of Chinese culture!” After all what would you call making all of the goods that the West use everyday like iPads, iPhones, Computers that even aren’t Apple ones, TV’s and of course so much more if it isn’t Chinese exploitation of Western culture.

To say nothing of the fact that almost everything made in China is badly made, falls apart as soon as the product is removed from the safety of its protective packaging, and of course that most of the counterfeit DVD’s and other pirate products are made in China and sold in the West.

All of which I am sure means that the Chinese have a sauce pointing a finger at the West for exploitation and should be the last to lecture the West about exploitation especially when they now have jobs that used to be Western jobs and the families who relied on them are flat broke. Surely the Chinese take the biscuit for exploitation – right out of hungry Western mouths in fact.

Changing the subject for a moment I would just like to thank a record number of people for buying my latest book and masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ during June, it is obviously perfect reading for the Summer and I hope that you enjoy it while you are tanning on a beach somewhere very warm.

One thing I would say on the subject of buying books – well I promised my translator I would – is that copies of his ebooks are available on Amazon.com and all other great retailers so when you go to Amazon.com to buy my book or to my www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com do have a look at John Woodcock’s books ‘Trams of Prague’ and ‘AstroMouse,’ they are really rather good (he made me put that bit in but after reading them I agree).

The other thing I would say is that avid readers of my books are in for a real treat very soon my next book ‘The Travelogue – A Cat Against The World’ is soon to be available in the same great bookshops and websites as ‘Getting Out’ isn’t that wonderful?

About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Misdirection Or Did They Really Mean That!

Have you had enough and wanna jump off a bridge? Well this way then!

Had Enough Wanna Jump This Way Then

The Cat’s Opinion

In all honesty it’s better not to jump! Nothing in this world is so bad that it can’t be sorted out.

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Jo Woodcock Paints Underwater

As you know I am a great lover of Prawns and indeed probably one of the world’s greatest experts on eating the tasty little devils but none of this helps me when I have to deal with my translator John Woodcock even though I have heard a lot of people call him a Prawn, mainly behind his back I have to say because he can be an ugly brute!

Oddly enough my translator John Woodcock has a wonderful and very good looking and talented daughter who is an actress and almost as famous as me Jo Woodcock is also very kind and sent me this picture of herself which she produced when tinkering with Photoshop. I have a feeling that she would rather like to play Disney’s The Little Mermaid.

As my cuddly readers are all so nice and often not only comment on just how wonderful my book “Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary” is but have also have indeed demonstrated how much they like it by buying thousands of them I thought I would share the picture with them so here it is!

Jo in a Reef

There’s only one thing wrong with this picture to my way of thinking and that is the total, utter and complete lack of Prawns and that is a shame, Prawns are nice crunchy little fellows who have the ability to brighten even the dreariest day.

Still there are three Clown Fish in it and they seem rather nice, personally I haven’t had the opportunity to eat Clown Fish so if any of my readers have beaten me to it and tucked in to Clown Fish do please let me know what they’re like.

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Trams of Prague

It has come to my attention that people are buying a book which was written and illustrated without any of my help by my translator John Woodcock called ‘Trams of Prague’ when they buy a copy of my book at Amazon.com and also at the store on my www – wickedly wonderful website here my store at www.thecatsdiary.com.

Actually I have given it a read and I have to say that it isn’t bad and the illustrations are just darlin’ as my adopted southern auntie says in Georgia so if you would like to have a peek at the book it’s called ‘Trams of Prague’ for those of you are a little hard of understanding then do, you’ll find it at Amazon and also on my website the addresses are above.

Trams of Prague Kindle Edition

If you have bought any of John Woodcock’s books, after you have bought mine of course, do let me know because, ‘Astromouse’ and a ‘Dino Dogs’ will be out soon I believe and I could arrange for you to pre-order them and I won’t charge you a cent just take a small ‘consideration’ from Mr Woodcock tee hee.

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