Mar 262014
 

Piccadilly Circus London

According to the ever reliable (hope you sense the irony here) Wikipedia there are over 300 languages spoken in London see for yourself here London if you don’t believe it and neither did I.

Sadly not many of the 300 different language speakers in London seem to speak English anymore and too many speak nonsense.

No you read the sign correctly on this London bus

No you read the sign correctly on this London bus! And my point is proved I believe!


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

I would like to tell you all about something new and rather nice that you can get from the Apple iBooks store, no not ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book you have been able to get that for ages, no something else rather wonderful. You can get John Woodcock’s brilliantly illustrated book the first in the series called ‘The Trams of Prague’

This heavily illustrated books created especially for iPads, Pods and Phones called Tram No 6 is the Naughtiest of Trams and it looks amazing.

If you would like to get this exceptional book the easy way, just click on this link:
Trams of Prague – Tram No6 is the Naughtiest of Trams


Don’t forget dear cuddly readers one and all that my translator’s heavily illustrated book has just been made available at the iBookstore or iTunes – what was it with Steve Jobs and all of the ‘i’s’?

To get whizzed straight to the store whatever it’s called just click on the picture of the cover of that wonderful book below.

Trams of Prague ePub Cover 2 1 13 225x225 75

Mar 062014
 

In the movie ‘Soylent Green’ mass industrialisation leaves the world permanently overcrowded, polluted, stagnant and it only can get worse. The movie is set in a time when there’s 40 million people in New York City, housing for all is dilapidated and overcrowded; homeless people fill the streets; 20 million are unemployed with the few “lucky” ones with jobs scraping by, and food and working technology is scarce. Sounds like India today doesn’t it? Anyway…

Most of the world’s population has to survive on rations produced by the Soylent Corporation, whose newest product is Soylent Green, a green wafer advertised to contain “high-energy plankton”, which is more nutritious and palatable than any of its predecessors “Red” and “Yellow”, is the food of choice, but there’s one problem it’s in short supply, and there’s a reason for that, like the French Cola below, it’s made from … gulp! Humans.

Worrying Cola France

Oops I hope that I haven’t just written a spoiler, either for the Cola or the movie, but I shouldn’t worry, who in their right mind would buy French Coke or see a seventies film with Chuck Heston in it? No one right?


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

I would like to tell you all about something new and rather nice that you can get from the Apple iBooks store, no not ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book you have been able to get that for ages, no something else rather wonderful. You can get John Woodcock’s brilliantly illustrated book the first in the series called ‘The Trams of Prague’

This heavily illustrated books created especially for iPads, Pods and Phones called Tram No 6 is the Naughtiest of Trams and it looks amazing.

If you would like to get this exceptional book the easy way, just click on this link:
Trams of Prague – Tram No6 is the Naughtiest of Trams


Don’t forget dear cuddly readers one and all that my translator’s heavily illustrated book has just been made available at the iBookstore or iTunes – what was it with Steve Jobs and all of the ‘i’s’?

To get whizzed straight to the store whatever it’s called just click on the picture of the cover of that wonderful book below.

Trams of Prague ePub Cover 2 1 13 225x225 75

Mar 042014
 

Unexpected incontinence

Oh that’s nasty! I hate unforeseen circumstances don’t you? But worsen still I loathe it when the English mug the English language or take notice of any idiot American spellchecker and it would seem that both of those factors are to blame here on this sign in the window of a London shop.


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

I would like to tell you all about something new and rather nice that you can get from the Apple iBooks store, no not ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book you have been able to get that for ages, no something else rather wonderful. You can get John Woodcock’s brilliantly illustrated book the first in the series called ‘The Trams of Prague’

This heavily illustrated books created especially for iPads, Pods and Phones called Tram No 6 is the Naughtiest of Trams and it looks amazing.

If you would like to get this exceptional book the easy way, just click on this link:
Trams of Prague – Tram No6 is the Naughtiest of Trams


Don’t forget dear cuddly readers one and all that my translator’s heavily illustrated book has just been made available at the iBookstore or iTunes – what was it with Steve Jobs and all of the ‘i’s’?

To get whizzed straight to the store whatever it’s called just click on the picture of the cover of that wonderful book below.

Trams of Prague ePub Cover 2 1 13 225x225 75

Oct 042013
 

The London Underground Speak

They want us to go where? No wonder the London Underground smells bad!

London Underground Speak, it’s a language with a terminology all of it’s own!


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

I would like to tell you all about something new and rather nice that you can get from the Apple iBooks store, no not ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book you have been able to get that for ages, no something else rather wonderful. You can get John Woodcock’s brilliantly illustrated book the first in the series called ‘The Trams of Prague’

This heavily illustrated books created especially for iPads, Pods and Phones called Tram No 6 is the Naughtiest of Trams and it looks amazing.

If you would like to get this exceptional book the easy way, just click on this link:
Trams of Prague – Tram No6 is the Naughtiest of Trams


Don’t forget dear cuddly readers one and all that my translator’s heavily illustrated book has just been made available at the iBookstore or iTunes – what was it with Steve Jobs and all of the ‘i’s’?

To get whizzed straight to the store whatever it’s called just click on the picture of the cover of that wonderful book below.

Trams of Prague ePub Cover 2 1 13 225x225 75

Oct 012013
 

If anyone can tell me (not even) exactly what this sign means and who is little Hugo I would be interested to know.

The Mayor of London is Mad

What a stupid sign and what a waste of public money it seems to be!


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

I would like to tell you all about something new and rather nice that you can get from the Apple iBooks store, no not ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book you have been able to get that for ages, no something else rather wonderful. You can get John Woodcock’s brilliantly illustrated book the first in the series called ‘The Trams of Prague’

This heavily illustrated books created especially for iPads, Pods and Phones called Tram No 6 is the Naughtiest of Trams and it looks amazing.

If you would like to get this exceptional book the easy way, just click on this link:
Trams of Prague – Tram No6 is the Naughtiest of Trams


Don’t forget dear cuddly readers one and all that my translator’s heavily illustrated book has just been made available at the iBookstore or iTunes – what was it with Steve Jobs and all of the ‘i’s’?

To get whizzed straight to the store whatever it’s called just click on the picture of the cover of that wonderful book below.

Trams of Prague ePub Cover 2 1 13 225x225 75

Apr 302013
 

As any mother to be can tell you when you are shopping for your new off-spring life can be difficult especially when you live in London and are the size of a cuddly Hippo. Public transport and the (not very) ‘good’ people of London can, and regularly do, make life difficult and don’t even get me discussing parking wardens, and that fact is true, oh except for the royals as the picture below demonstrates.

Parking suspended for all  except the royals of course

If you just happen to be born with a silver spoon in your mouth to say nothing of enormous family wealth and estates, or you have been living in sin with a royal and eventually decide to marry him then life is so very different. Before you pop out to the shops the London police will suspend all of the parking bays in front of any of the shops you decide to visit and ordinary people will turned away while you are gracing those shops in question, even if you don’t buy anything.

To my way of thinking this sort of behaviour is just not very 21st century is it? Why should there be one law for some people and one for all of the others?

Mmmh the spellchecker suggested that I might like to ask “Why should there be one law for some people and one for all of the Otters?” And I think that is a valid point, though hardly relevant here tee hee.

But seriously you have to ask yourself, ‘what has this woman done’ to be given such special treatment? Is she a leading peacemaker, a top politician, someone who has achieved something in life’ and the answer is NO! Much to the embarrassment of all concerned she has appeared topless in newspapers around the world – which was awful and not even apologised to the British public who pay for her extravagant lifestyle, she has as I said above lived with a royal and then held on long enough to get married to him, although he seemed less than keen, and now she is pregnant, gosh! I hope my kittens achieve more than that!

About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

I would like to tell you all about something new and rather nice that you can get from the Apple iBooks store at last, yes it’s my wonderful first book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ so what are you waiting for you lovely Apple users?

Feb 202013
 

They say every picture tells a story!

Ugli and dirty London

I tend to think that this picture’s story is very accurate, London is a smelly, over crowded dirty, place that just gets worse every year.


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

I would like to tell you all about something new and rather nice that you can get from the Apple iBooks store, no not ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book you have been able to get that for ages, no something else rather wonderful. You can get John Woodcock’s brilliantly illustrated book the first in the series called ‘The Trams of Prague’

This heavily illustrated books created especially for iPads, Pods and Phones called Tram No 6 is the Naughtiest of Trams and it looks amazing.

If you would like to get this exceptional book the easy way, just click on this link:
Trams of Prague – Tram No6 is the Naughtiest of Trams


Don’t forget dear cuddly readers one and all that my translator’s heavily illustrated book has just been made available at the iBookstore or iTunes – what was it with Steve Jobs and all of the ‘i’s’?

To get whizzed straight to the store whatever it’s called just click on the picture of the cover of that wonderful book below.

Trams of Prague ePub Cover 2 1 13 225x225 75

Jul 262012
 

According to articles in today’s English press, Mitt Romney has questioned whether Britain is ready for Olympic Games.

Yes believe it or not the Republican party presidential nominee actually questioned our/Britain’s ability to host London 2012 Olympics and asked whether the country is genuinely willing to “celebrate” the Games.

Mitt

So with one simple thoughtless comment Uncle Mitt has done what the London Olympics Organising Committee couldn’t do, the Prime Minister of the UK – sorry I forget his name, tall inconsequential faffy type of chap… you know, what’s his name? And indeed the rest of the people involved in the London Olympics, or should that be according to Lord Coe after so many years of calling the London Olympic Games the “London Olympic Games” – the “UK Olympic Games,” I’d call Mitt ‘a bit of a Prawn” but I like Prawns so I won’t, i’ll do better than that and let my cuddly readers on both sides of the Atlantic decide what to call him!

Of course no one in the UK, most of whom are jealous of London and Londoners if they live outside of London didn’t like the Olympics!

We, that is, the people, and Cats of course of the UK, don’t actually like most things including ourselves, but when some jumped up asset stripper and presidential no-hoper comes to our country and suggests that we are a bunch of idiots who couldn’t organise a polygamist wedding in a Tabernacle or whatever it was he said it strikes home I can tell you.

Only the British allow themselves to be criticised by the err… British and no one else, I bet Mitt and his various wives, if he is a true follower of the faith, can expect to be one of the 3,500 people in the new modern London Aquadrome who won’t be able to see the top board in the diving competition because of the curved roof which obscures the view of the highest diving board.

What a shame that the UK Border Agency immigration staff were working at Heathrow Airport when they let him instead of being on strike as they promised they would be, or is that why he came early?

Still I pity poor Mitt I wouldn’t like to be in his brogues, during this trip and then when he so many more foreign policy mistakes on the next legs of what is probably his first trip outside of the US, and then gets roundly beaten by the presidential incumbent who let’s face it has disappointed too many people all too often.


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

Technorati Tags:
, , , , , , , , , ,

May 312012
 

Authorities in Orange County, California have developed a plan to trap Feral Cats at two Santa Ana elementary schools, traps will be set at Frances E. Willard Intermediate School and El Sol Science and Arts Academy in the belief that trapping Feral cats might – wait for it stop the spread of Typhus.

Cat Running

It might sound odd to most reasonable people, but the authorities have stated that they believe that Feral Cats might be carrying fleas infected with Typhus and that those fleas might spread the disease to humans. I hope you caught the word ‘MIGHT’ there, it appeared quite often didn’t it!

Sadly after being caught the Feral Cats won’t be tested for Typhus or indeed any of the fleas that they may have oh no they will simply be will be sedated and then euthanised.

The reason why all of the Feral Cats in the area will be killed is simple last month, one person living in the area contracted Typhus and that person might have been in contact with a Feral Cat who might have had fleas, and the fleas might have be carrying a Typhus virus – so many ‘mights’ again. And yes you read that right just one person contracted Typhus, there isn’t a plague!

Apparently the person who contracted Typhus was hospitalised but has since made a complete recovery. Which all seems a pretty thin reason to exterminate all of the wildlife in the area don’t you think dear cuddly readers?

Cat in a Cage

The same happened at JFK Airport a few years ago although the Feral Cats there weren’t accused of an possible public health violations they were just living at the airport, minding their own business but The Port Authority of New York who manages the 5,000 acre facility decided that hundreds if not thousands of Feral Cats that lived on their property were best dealt with by exterminating them.

The reason this time because no one had been clever enough to think up the public health wheeze was air and passenger safety. The Port Authority claimed that “the wild Cats were a danger to aircraft and passengers,” if you can believe that and so they trapped them, and then killed them.

Most owners of large plots of land discover Feral Cats living on the bits that they don’t use, to be perfectly true it’s probably untrue that the wild Cats would pose much of a threat to humans or their machinery as humans seem to pose to them and that is because Feral Cats tend to stay away from humans and have no idea how to fly aeroplanes or operate other machinery airport related or not!

These land owners will of course throw up their hands in despair and say that Feral Cats are un-adoptable, this is not true. What is true is that it would cost a lot more to tame, feed and then find homes for the Feral Cats and would cost too much, so killing them is the best way because it is cheap.

Cat behind planks

Well I have news for all land owners (and I am not the only one) Feral Cats can be ‘tamed’ and can make great house Cats. Cats aren’t stupid they respond to love, care, attention and most of all food. It’s true that humans can’t get a Cat to do what they want them do, when they want them to do whatever it is. That not because Cats are wild it is because they aren’t stupid!

Below is a photograph of a very good friend of mine who was a Feral Cat for most of his life who was ‘lucky’ enough to get knocked down in London and while most humans just stared at his body lying in the road my translator stopped to actually help the stricken animal, he ignored the call from one old scrote to “kill the stray and put it out of its misery”. Instead he carefully picked the crumpled Cat up and took him to a Vet.

Six months later after fixing, breaking and re-fixing a broken leg ‘Bumper’ came to live with John Woodcock in the English countryside where he used to sit in the sun, sniff plants, lie out stretched on John’s desk while John was working and generally and make the most of his retirement.

Bumper was the gentlest, calmest, nicest Cat anyone could share a house with and never once fought with any of the other Cats who he lived with let alone attacked any humans who came to visit and never once gave anyone or anything an infectious disease.

The only naughty thing he ever did (and he never got tired of his little joke) was when lying full out on John’s desk he would occasionally without getting up knock a pen or rubber of the desk and look up at John just to make sure he was not being ignored and when you said ‘Oh Bumper look at what you have done” He would grin and go back to sleep safe and sound which is exactly what he deserved.

Poor Bumper died of cancer, probably from all of the pollution in London, one of the most polluted cities in the world, caused of course by humans!

Bumper


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

Technorati Tags:
, , , , , , , , , ,

Feb 172012
 

The English countryside is a wonderful scenic place crammed full of open skies that kiss the horizon, fields, hedgerows, wildlife, odd villages with odder villagers inhabiting them (I may have mentioned the ale-swillers Fred, Ned and Ted before so I won’t now) all of which makes the English countryside somewhere that you either adore or loathe.

Here is a perfect example of why people from the towns have a problem with people from the countryside – they are often a little odd, as this sign demonstrates perfectly.

What Have Sheep Got Against Trees

If you loathe the English countryside you are probably a townie and there is nothing wrong with being one of those unless it would seem you are personally involved in planning the route of the second High Speed train which I understand is called HS2, because you old chap must really hate the countryside and should never have been giving the power to destroy such large chunks of it.

Which brings me to this sign one created especially for the head of planning for the HS2 and of course Davis Cameron the Prime Minister of the towns of England it must be difficult for them to understand that people don’t like their little idea in the countryside!

Bad HS2

So why is the sign above hard for townies, and the other fools mentioned, to understand well it’s simple really! They probably want to get from one dirty, smelly overcrowded dump to another as fast as possible, oh I’m sorry I mean from Birmingham to London or indeed the other way around and in doing so they need to carve up a very large and rather wide chunk of what I think we will call “the next two pictures.”

The first picture below, is of a bit of reasonably unspoilt English countryside that hasn’t been touched since the royal family and after them parliament thought of something called the ‘inclosures act’ or ‘enclosures act’ would be a bit of a wheeze and keep the hoi polloi of their land.

After

The second picture is of the same countryside (well nearly) after it has been turned into a high speed railway line no wonder the country folk in England believe that the townies don’t like them and their countryside!

After2

One last little bit of stirring oops sorry I mean information that David Cameron and the rest of the tarmac brigade might like to bear in mind is the definition of ‘Hoi polloi’ today it might mean the rabble, the dregs etc., but in accent Greece where the word comes from it means ‘the many’ or rather deliciously the ‘majority’ now that surely is something that any politician worth his salt might like to bear in mind – even maybe David Cameron!

Technorati Tags:
, , , , , , , , ,