Feb 242012
 

The other day I was doing what ex-pats do and reading the UK press or that bit of it that escapes online, and I have to admit I was doing it using superfast (and cheap I might add) broadband, but then I live in a very modern dynamic country unlike the country I was reading about I am afraid.

Two articles caught my eye; one about the speed of broadband in the UK or the bit I am interested in – England – and the other was a piece about the ‘happiest’ place to live in the UK.

Imagine my surprise when one of the ‘happiest’ places in England turned out to be one of the very same places with very poor broadband speeds!

I started to wonder if the two were related in anyway and here is what crossed my little furry mind. First surely none of the inhabitants of this happy place are able to experience Sky or Virgin and their internet services which would not only keep their household costs down to a minimum but also mean that they are happy not to be lining the pockets of those two smiling oily oligarchs Branson and Murdoch or indeed be subjected to their respective company’s ‘service,’ a word I use comedically here!

The second reason is a little more obvious and that’s that if you don’t have a very fast internet connection you don’t spend much time online and that must be nice, having just enough speed to look at my www.wickedlywonderfulwebsite, www.thecatsdiary.com or to buy my wonderful book online at Amazon.co.uk, you can even use this link Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary and don’t forget if you don’t want the paperback you can get an ebook (almost in your case) immediately, the same applies to my other masterpiece of feline literature The Cat’s Travelogue or even an ebook that is almost a popular as mine; my translator’s pretty Tram book Tram No 6 is The Naughtiest of Trams (The Trams of Prague) aren’t you lucky?

So I hear you ask what poor city is blessed with being the happiest city in the UK and unfortunate enough to have really dreadful broadband speeds – well that would be Carlisle!

There may be one very important reason why Carlisle is so happy it’s just on the right side of the border with Scotland tee hee!

I was going to add an aerial view of Carlisle to brighten up my blog a bit, but unfortunately Carlisle from the air looks really awful and so I had to be content with a snap of Carlisle Cathedral, but even that looks as though it has taken affront at something doesn’t it.
Carlisle Cathedral in snow

To my way of looking at the world Carlisle Cathedral looks as though it’s not the most friendly or indeed happy place on the planet but I have to stress looks can be deceiving, on the other paw there is Lincoln where the Cathedral does reflect the unfriendly character of some of the people I encountered there 12 or so years ago and yes you know who you are so I won’t mention your names.

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Dec 082011
 

I was talking to Hugh Grant the other day and we both agreed that being a celebrity can be hard, if it isn’t the Murdoch run newspapers trying to tap your phone, open you mail and go through your empties it’s the wonderful general public, bless them all, who can get a little carried away and storm your book signings just wanting to stroke you, and I have to say that happens to me a lot although I was surprised to hear that it happened to Huge (my pet name for Hugh).

Sometimes this Cat who writes blogs thinks that as a celebrity in constant demand by an adoring public you just have to get away, go into hiding or use camouflage, Hugh was of the same opinion but tends to think that you can hide from the public in a car parked round the back of a busy well lit street, still it takes all sorts to make the world dizzy doesn’t it?

Between you and me I have been using camouflage for a while now to avoid the glare of the public and the peeping Toms of the press and believe that camouflage is a very wonderful thing.

Just today I was leafing through a copy of my newspaper and spotted a whole section of pictures dedicated to animals and insects who are really rather good at camouflaging themselves.

I have to say that article was an altogether more interesting than another which reported that Madonna, (with an emphasis on the ‘Mad’ she is obviously going through some sort of mid-life experience), said that the duchess of Cambridge (if you don’t know who she is here’s a tip, she’s the anorexic looking newest royal, who depending upon the newspaper you read is expecting one or several babies, if that is true where is the bulge then – in a surrogate?) is “lovely girl with great sense of style.” Sorry Madonna I think it’s time to hang up your sling backs darling cos baby doll you have lost it!

Instead of offering you a picture of the tired but blousy Madonna or the Mousey but skinny duchess of Cambridge I thought I would let my wonderful readers have a gawp at some amazing camouflage pictures I was so impressed with. Not all of them are animals or insects as you will see and for one sadly no amount of camouflage will help her appearance.

So without further ado or character assassination I give you my little tribute to camouflage and the beasts that use it.

To start with how about the Leaf-tailed Gecko, aka the Satanic Leaf-tailed Gecko who blends in wonderfully with a rustle of old brown dried leaves this one lives in the Andasibe-Mantadia National Park in Madagascar?

Leaf Tailed Gecko

Or what about a Bat-faced Toad who has taken a tip form the Satanic Leaf-tailed Gecko above and is hiding amongst a crust of dead leaves in the Amacayacu National Park in Colombia?

Leaf Toad

Then there is the oddly named White Crab Spider sitting on a flower near you, if you happen to live in the south of England or Wales.

White Crab Spider

Humans can create excellent camouflage if they have the patience and artistic ability, but sadly unlike the animals above when they move the illusion is shattered. Let’s hope that this lady stays still because I think she has forgotten to get dressed this morning!

Nude

Lastly, and that is where every one of all of the dozens of English queens, dukes, duchesses, princesses and princes of benefit dependency – the English royal family – would come if they weren’t so privileged, we have the amazing camouflage of the duchess of somewhere that was invented especially to accommodate her.

As you can see she blends in rather well with the soldiers, some might say that she looks the most ‘rugged’ of them all!

Do you like me wonder what she is pointing at around that soldier’s crutch? She seems to be very interested in ‘something’ down ‘there’ don’t you think?

If you want to see more of these overrated royal individuals they can be found posing in army, navy and air force uniforms on state occasions (which makes you wonder if the English state isn’t a military one?).

Oddly enough the royals are almost always dressed up in very high ranking positions in their chosen armed force I wonder just how they earned this exulted ranks? Beats me!

If you want to get a good look at the English royal family the best place to spot them is on holiday somewhere very warm while the British newspapers sing their praises and extoll their virtues at home telling the English people just how hard the royals are working!

Duchess

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