Tag Archives: My Blog

Ginger Is At It Again!

Why are all slightly unbalanced Cats called ‘Ginger?’ If you read my blog or visit my www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com you’ll be more than familiar with one of my best pals who mostly goes by the name of ‘Ginger,’ and indeed you may remember vividly his ‘cooler kid’ story.

My pal Ginger is not the only Ginger Cat who’s ‘balance’ you would question, but it doesn’t end there, ‘Ginger’ Cats are more often than not just plain naughty which is yet another trait in the shadowy, larcenous end of the Cat family tree where the ‘Gingers’ hang out doing a marvellous job of finding trouble.

The reason I ask why all Ginger Cats are ‘the way they are’ is because yet another Ginger has been caught being naughty, generally annoying folk and in the process getting himself into all sorts of official tepid water.

The ‘ Ginger’ here is a Cat who lives in Swansea in South Wales, Swansea’s not what you might call a ‘happening place’ there’s no urban beat in South Wales let alone Swansea the inhabitants would, in fact if they were honest, call the place ‘dormant’ rather than just sleepy, all in all Swansea is a pretty quiet place with not a lot to do in the long snow covered wintry nights – but enough of the Travelogue (the title of my next book of course – which happily doesn’t feature Swansea I have to say), here’s more about ‘Welsh Ginger.’

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‘Welsh Ginger’ has a hobby! It’s the sort of hobby that he and other enthusiasts can only practice at night when few are about and all good humans and nice Cats are tucked up in bed fast asleep.

‘Welsh Ginger’ went to far this time though when his human was woken up by Police officers urgently banging on the front door in the very dark and early hours of the morning.

‘Welsh Ginger’s’ sleepy, bleary eyed owner was told by the Police that they were responding to a ‘999’ call it is the same as a ‘911’ call except that it is faster and easier to dial on a digital phone obviously – mind you this Cat has always wondered why humans didn’t pick the first number on the phone dial to jab three times in a hurry if there was a need for any or all of the emergency services? But then that has nothing to do with this story or indeed human logic!

‘Welsh Ginger’s’ human sleepily said that the emergency call was nothing to do with him and took the officers into the front room where he kept the phone to prove it! It was then that ‘Welsh Ginger’ might have known that the game was ‘up.’ well at least for the moment, if he had been awake!

Unfortunately for ‘Welsh Ginger’ he had dialed 999 to make the hoax call probably giggling sleepily and then nodded off next to the phone where he was, according to the police report, “found to be reclining next to the unhooked phone with one of his paws on the keyboard.” Oops!

When we at The Cat’s Diary had a chat with – let’s call him ‘Telephone Ginger,’ because for some reason ‘Welsh Ginger’ make him sound a bit dim doesn’t it, he said.

“What can I say? I’m vexed – I was caught! But I’d do it again, in a whisker, in fact if no one is looking I’d do it now, can you pass me the phone… oh no that’s how I got caught last time!”

‘Telephone Ginger’ went on to say that he liked not only playing with the phone but also making hoax calls but that it seems that he had made one or two fatal errors.

“I don’t think I should use the phone again when I am tired, but I don’t think that was the only reason I got caught, it’s uncanny but I it feels like someone was on the other end listening!”

This clever Cat never said that Ginger Cats were that bright did I?

When asked about the incident a Police spokesman said “that he would like to thank Ginger for making a slow Tuesday night just a little more exciting, ‘cos you see, nothing much goes on in Swansea!”

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Shock Horror Prince Charles And The Queen Attacked!

Reports (and oddly enough very sharp pictures) are coming in to Cat World HQ that Queen camilla, “our queen of pies” as the mob now lovely call the chubby camilla the Duchess of Cornwall because of the weight she has so gracefully gained since she became an honest woman and married charles, and her husband the once and future king charles were attacked last night by a mob of hungry students.

Apparently students were tipped off by the British media, who needed a good picture story for today’s editions and in addition some outrageous table thumping moral editorial, that the ‘queen of pies’ and her prince were going to be attending yet another charity show where they get the free tickets and the champagne on the understanding that they rub shoulders with the commoners and plebs, who have paid thousands of pounds for a ticket, for as short a time as possible.

But last night the regal free jolly went wrong and the heavily armoured Rolls Royce car paid for by the royal loving British taxpayers and the other equally subsidised cars in the royal convoy were attacked and horror of horrors paint was thrown!

As readers of my blog can see – inside the royal car there was absolute panic from the regal couple and camilla was heard to scream “they’re trying to steal our Pies!” In the picture ex-naval captain prince charles can be seen being defended by the queen of pies who hold several honorary military appointments including Royal Colonel of the 4th Battalion of The Rifles and the rest in a list below* all which of course are unpaid positions but do carry hefty expenses for the organisations concerned which are of course in turn funded by the ever poorer British tax payer. Some on lookers say that prince charles retaliated and screamed at the mob after he had recovered some of his composure “get your own pies you filthy swine, there are our pies!”

After the attack the Metropolitan Police Commissioner said that no one had been injured and that was mainly because the press had failed to warn the London’s Metropolitan Police of the impeding attack, he went on to say that “had the press informed the police they could have had several thousand stick wielding riot police on hand to deal with the students efficiently and effectively – as I discovered on a recent trip to China whacking students and other protestors definitely beats catching criminals for a living and helps to ensure the rule of law!”

Comments and wishes of sympathy have yet to come in from all around the world however the Chinese Vice Premier Mr Li Keqiang was reported saying after he heard about the attack that “if people allow the Nobel Prize organisation to criticise China then this cruel attempt to steal an old woman’s pies, just because she lives off state handouts that others aren’t entitled to, shows how the rule of law is breaking down in the west; 19 other countries including the great friends of the royal family Saudi Arabia and Kazakhstan immediately issued statements agreeing with what Mr Li Keqiang had said.

Some time later charles’ father the rarely seen, secretive and mysterious ‘Dook’ was reported to say that “the idiot (we believe he was referring to charles) hasn’t got himself into a scrape with another bit of fluff in a car has he?”

The ‘Dook’ then rambled on as he was led away however this reporter thought he heard the words “still the good news at least with this one we don’t have to deal with the frenchies, nasty swarthy, squat and sinister buggers your average frenchie!” Then after a gap the Dook wrenched the hand that was covering his mouth and shouted. “Still glad the car was a ‘roller’ this time, stronger than the rubbish the krauts make, is the car still drivable – maybe we can salvage some parts this time.”

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Background information

Prince Charles is heir to the British throne but few if any apart from his diplomatic son believe that he will ascend to the throne after his Mummy dies because of his ridiculous behaviour belief in odd cults such as homeopathy and statements like the one in September 10th, 1996 below, which was reported by the daily newspaper ‘The Sun’ on the front cover.

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*The Queen of Pies honorary military appointments

Honorary Air Commodore of RAF Halton, United Kingdom Honorary Air Commodore of RAF Leeming, Commodore-in-Chief of the Naval Medical Services,Commodore-in-Chief Naval Chaplaincy Service, Lady sponsor of HMS Astute

Author’s background information

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in history, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com.

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Spammer of the Year Award

Hi All,

As a successful blogger, website owner and general all round wonder I get a lot of spam – it comes to this blog, it comes to my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com and it comes to my personal email address – thecat@thecatsdiary.com. Most of the spam is from some arse or the other advertising rubbish that wasn’t freely available before the internet you know the stuff replica designer crap badly made in China, doggy loans, equally dodgy insurance and very dodgy invitations to get rich quick Nigerian scams, escorts, pills that make bits of men err more err ‘prominent’ all of a sudden and so on.

However there are some spammers who try to make conversation or indeed pass a compliment about a brilliant Cat’s blog or www – wickedly wonderful website in the hope that vanity will prevail and the flattered feline will drop his guard for a moment and allow the spammer to comment on his blog say for instance, then the flood gates are open and the spammer can post any amount of annoying rubbish on what is a brilliant blog and in turn spoil it for all.

So I thought that I would, just for a moment, reward a spammer or two with “The Cat’s Two Finger Trophy” (yes it is remarkably like the Football World Cup Trophy but with Churchill’s golden saluting fingers sticking out of the top tee hee) and let the spammers know that although they stand about as much chance of getting through my security as I do of winning the Nobel Peace Prize their nonsense is read by me and then deleted.

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The award for the most persistent spammer goes to – some arsehole at a betting site with over two hundred spams a month and rising. Happily this rubbish gets filtered out by a marvellous, friendly feline, but I’d blush if I was to tell you who that feline was!

The award for the worst google translate phrase from the original (probably Indian) goes to – some idiot at a Breitling Watch replica website. But it could also have come form the same address just insert a different ridiculously expensive designer watch product and you get the same replica rubbish, for “Your phrase is matchless…” when commenting on my ‘It Was Snowing!’blog?

The award for the most offensive spam goes to – Someone called ‘biking’ at a website for Irish escorts, sadly I can’t report here what they said because young people and Cats use this blog and my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com. Mind you! I would like to know if you were in the market for an ‘escort’ and I think we all know what one of those is, would you choose an Irish one?

The Award for the most nonsensical comment goes to some plonker at a Tattoo website for “Excuse, I have thought and have removed the idea”. Mmh how nice!

The Award for the most irrelevant comment goes to some Chinese site for – “For a long time I here was not.” I too for a long time I was here not especially when I am some where else place – what think you?

The Award for the best disguised spam goes to another escort agency for “Pretty interesting place you’ve got here. Thanks for it. I like such themes and anything connected to them. I definitely want to read more on that blog soon.”

Of course I would reproduce the web and email addresses for all my winners but that would sort of shoot myself in the paw don’t you think?

Still while we are on the subject of pests on the web aren’t Google doing everything they can to become as unpopular as Microsoft – just thought I would mention that! Here in the Czech republic they are not the dominant search engine and so they do everything to displace the search engine that is dominant called www.seznam.cz.

Google advertise at tram stops, on the metro, at the airport and whenever you log on to search on google (a rare event for me I use bing) you type in google.com in the address line expecting to go to a site in English and as the page loads google’s spy network realises that you are in the Czech republic and delivers google.cz which is annoying when it is in a language that this English and Cat speaker doesn’t understand and it does it every single time without fail – how annoying is that?

Just a quick note on the trophy design.

Being English I had to feel for the English in general even though I live in exile when first Russia and then Qatar won the world cup competition to host the game and earn vast amounts of money unless of course you are South Africa who lost billions – or should that be ‘lost’ billions?

The trouble with the English bid and the English is that they play by the rules – although I have to say I think that it showed just what a richard-head (dickhead to any adults reading) young prince Willie is when he said that three world cup delegates had personally promised him that they were voting for England and then in the final count England received just two votes and one was their own har ha – what an idiot and Cameron as well made an absolute twot of himself. (The word ‘twot’ is very much like the word ‘twat’ but the word twot can be used in mixed company har ha).

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Macy’s Parade – One Day

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Ok paws up I have to admit that the picture I have here has been ‘doctored’ and I wasn’t in this year’s parade – your shocked mmh maybe I should have kept my mouth shut but you know Cats cant lie – worst luck we would be so much better at big business and politics if we could.

I have to also admit that the picture wasn’t ‘doctored’ very well – but what can you expect if you outsource things like this to India? – Not a lot is the answer! Just look at the standard of Disney and Dreamworks animation these days!

Still honesty aside for a moment one day I will really be in a Macy’s Parade, I promise, and it will be soon after my movie based on my worldbeatingunputdownable book – I have added world beating bit to my usual word describing my book because someone has stolen my word ‘unputdownable’ shame they didn’t search for a life rather than wonderful new words to steal – sorry where was I?

Oh yes my new movie – well what can I say? I am closing in on a deal which happily is based on the sales of my wonderful book of course; it almost goes without saying is available here Amazon.com and here on my ‘www’ “wickedly wonderful website” –  www.thecatsdiary.com happily at the moment no one has stolen my term for my website – but I suppose it is only a matter of time!

Unfortunately it is not like I am that little rat Mickey Mouse who just announces that he wants to make another comeback and gets a movie deal immediately. I have had to fight tooth and claw to even get into the movie mogul’s offices – well eventually I did it through a synagogue and a Steven Spielberg disguise, of course, but that is another story! I don’t want to get all Sarah Palin on you here!

So the movie of the book will come one day and you know how determined I am to be up there in lights, to say nothing of floating above your heads in a Macy’s Parade on Thanksgiving – there is just one thing that I am a little worried about and that is after the parade – yes I saw Mickey ‘nudging’ a Smurf in a way that should only be demonstrated on dolls but that is not what I meant about being worried about what happens after the parade! I have learned to keep my back against the wall dealing with all of those movie types.

What I am worried about is that in order to take part in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade you have to be able to float so they fill you up with Helium – fair enough! But and it is a great big one, ‘but’ what happens when they let the gas out? Do you make a series of loud inappropriate noises or is it just one long one? If anyone knows or has indeed had large amounts of gas in the past please can you let a worried Cat know exactly what happens – many thanks.

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I Would Like To Wish All My Readers A Very Happy Thanksgiving

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As the title says I would like to say Happy Thanksgiving to everyone who reads my blog, visits my www – wickedly wonderful website and of course has read my unputdownable book, as well as any itinerant passers-by who haven’t yet read my blog, visited my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com or even bought my book at Amazon.com yet!

Happy Thanksgiving to one and all!

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PS

I have to say I am a little envious of all you good people who celebrate Thanksgiving and not only about the Turkey, Cranberries and Pumpkin Pie but also because people who celebrate Thanksgiving effectively get two Christmases!

Which is why I have decided to adopt not only Thanksgiving Day as a holiday but also the much more ambitious Russian celebration of New Year’s Day, a holiday which, believe it or not, goes on for the best part of January!

All of which means that you, my lovely fans and readers, can give your favourite furry genius of an author presents on two more celebration days and I know that simple fact will mean so much to so many!

Yes I am a Cat who goes on giving aren’t I?

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Unusual Signs

Humans as I think I have said in my latest book at Amazon.com and any number of times on my wonderful blog are rather odd.

Humans display these oddities in all sorts of ways and one of the most novel ways is in sign language. I have been collecting some signs that have been erected all over the world by humans who have carefully and deliberately, it would seem, disengaged their brains before writing the sign.

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“Aren’t all Dogs strange?”

Don’t forget that Christmas is coming and giving someone a copy of my book would be an honour for both parties you can get an electronic version of my wonderful book at most ebook retailers online, at Amazon.com and of course my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com.

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“What a brilliant book cover it should be a sign!”

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Lost Picture!

Hi All,

I am afraid that I have to admit that this Cat is only human – well as human as the idiots who do all of the clever work on his blog and website – you didn’t expect me to accept any blame did you?

Today I wrote a blog about the inhuman treatment of a yet another poor Cat who was dyed pink by some clown in the UK and to add impact I added a picture which seems to have vanished from my blog duh!

Where the picture went I have no idea and so I thought I would try again and see if the web fingered, ham fisted web designers and fully qualified fools can get it right this time.

Here (hopefully) is the picture.

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Purrs,

 

The Cat

You Know When Your Mind Goes Blank…

There should be an amusing blog here today but to be perfectly honest with you my mind has gone blank!

It must happen to you too I expect but when it does will hundreds of thousands of people (my readers and fans) be disappointed as they are bound to be when reading today’s blog? Probably not, that is one of the trials and tribulations of being a superstar sometimes we prove to be human or of course in my case Feline, which though of course a state that is far a away above the human state is still disappointing.

I did hear that English astronomers had found a collection of stars so big that they even the idea of them existing was thought to be impossible. Imagine being so big that you are unimaginable! In fact it is probably because their size is so unimaginable that the astronomers have called the biggest star in the group R136a1 which underlines their total lack of imagination.

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Yes I was tempted to make a little jokette about Oprah Winfrey here if I am honest but that would be unkind, and so I will let you make up your own and then do send them to me. I do like your jokes and one day if I am really stuck for words I might even print some of them.

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Cats Are Not Pests!

Some of you humans have a lot to answer for you know. I saw the dreadful Google.com had pasted this ad onto my blog page here.

“If this silent cat repelling device fails to get rid
of that pesky cat you pay nothing.
pestcontrol.netfirms.com

Firstly I would like to say that the title of this blog “CAT’S ARE NOT PESTS” is true and secondly I would like you good readers to never ever click in the link of this disgusting pest control firm you do that for me? (A nice smile is added here) the trouble is that as you will know from my book available here Amazon.com that Cats aren’t very good at smiling, it tends to make us look more than a little evil, and of course I hate, loathe and detest the smiley faces you see in emails and everywhere else on the web almost as much as pestcontrol.netfirms.com.

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