Jun 082011
 

I have often wondered where lies come from, who invented them and so on and so forth. I even watched the dreadful film by that awful idiot Ricky Gervais but sadly failed to find out where lies came from or in that case be entertained at all but that is beside the point of course.

So where do lies come from? Well I think I have the answer. I got my driver to follow the truck in the picture and guess what lies come from Luxembourg. I would have thought France or Germany both countries and their people have been known to tell some enormous porkies in the past but I didn’t think that little Luxembourg could be capable of inventing lying did you?

Lorry Load of Lies


About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

The Cat & Kindle

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Dec 172010
 

Isn’t it nice that I have won a prize for the best way to describe a wonderfully funny, clever and extremely entertaining website.

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I have to say that it is only what I would expect being a “pure genius” as a reviewer said about me on the back cover of my excellent bestselling book – ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary!’

So now ‘www – wickedly wonderful website’ the phrase I have always to refer to my amazing website www.thecatsdiary.com is officially considered the best way to describe a really great website by the Web’s Governing body – how cool is that? How clever is this Cat?

Personally I would also add honest, kind, good looking and modest to any list of compliments referring to me, but then as some cosmetics brand once advertised that’s“Because I’m worth it!”

Are they worth it.jpg

Oops! I originally typed a question mark at the end of the sentence above instead of an exclamation mark – maybe I was influenced by the way that the famous stars said the line in the ads – now I am imagining thousands of “Cuts” sigh! and “let’s do that one more time” as the ad was filmed – they wouldn’t have had the same problem with me I promise har ha.

Actually when you look at the models from l’Oreal Paris you start to wonder if they are “worth it” they aren’t the most attractive models in the world are they? They have rather large Jerry Hall type mouths I think, but then I am a Cat and this young Bengal lady Cat is more to my liking.

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Oh! I nearly forgot if you haven’t do! Sorry let me explain, if you haven’t bought my book and you want to click either here Amazon.com or here  www.thecatsdiary.com and you’ll be able to buy my book at either Amazon.com or my award winning site www – wickedly wonderful website, either way you are in for hours and hours of laughter and fun – more fun that you would normally expect from a book even though I say so myself.

You know I occasionally dip into my wonderful book and even I laugh at what is happening in spite of the fact that I was there and it was all happening to me! Obviously the sign of a great book.

About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet such as www.pawsperouspets.com.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Dec 162010
 

“Here is a very big thank you from a humble but good looking Cat,” there that is a better description of my good self, I wanted to add clever, genius, wonderful and so much more but frankly it seemed a little ‘mauve’ of me. But having said that the ‘thank you’ is very, very sincere – I won’t smile here and if you are reading (or have read) my book I know you will know why – Cat’s look just a little sinister when we smile unfortunately – I personally think it is the teeth some say it’s the whiskers though.

I’m thanking everyone who has bought my book and launched it, and in turn me, into the rarified atmosphere of the top 100 books on Amazon.com.

So of course we are celebrating here at Cat World HQ now that my book is where it belongs in the top 100 humour books on Amazon.com

It goes without saying that I will be delighted if you all leave glowing reviews after you have read it and of course make sure that you bully your friends to go to Amazon.com and order my book – and you can still get it before Christmas, which is pretty good isn’t it?

The Cat & Kindle.png

So thanks again I do really appreciate you all spending your hard earned folding stuff on the work of a wonderful and tremendously talented Cat – I hope you do exactly what I intend with the book and laugh until you have to put it down and look on the internet for a cure of hiccups!

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Dec 152010
 

If this were ‘Santa Time’ and it was December the 25th looking out of my window would be a pleasure because snow is festive, but this much on a work day is totally unacceptable.

As you can see from the photograph this is what I have to wade through in order to get the the Barrandov movie studio today.

Mind you if you are an autograph collector then you are going to have a field day because I have left loads of paw prints and as all my loyal and lovely fans and readers know ‘pawing’ is the way I autograph their books.

But speaking of leaving ‘marks’ in the snow I would like to complain about Dogs (yet again, the yellow marks they leave in the snow are totally unacceptable, we all know that but do they? Of course they don’t, and they aerial widdle to their hearts content along the pathway and in fact all the way to the studio.

Dogs are disgusting and they terrible thing is that they know it – we have all seen Dogs, in all weathers, rolling in fresh p** oh the thought of it is just too awful for a Cat with sensibilities to consider.

Now don’t get me wrong I like Dogs the shaggy German Shepherd Dog I keep here has his uses as you will know from my amazingly successful and desperately funny bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary.’

‘Ben,’ that is the dozily shaggy hounds name is great to snuggle up next to in the depths of winter – well about now actually – although sometimes he smells as though he ‘rolls’ in ‘something’ if you know what I mean!

When he smells like that you have to weigh up ‘warmth’ against ‘odour’ and that is a terrible choice that even Sophie would find difficult to make, but leaving Merly Streep aside for a moment, I bet my female readers and fans can identify with that conundrum!

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For anyone who hasn’t bought my book or worse never heard of ‘me’ (if that is at all possible) until today there are several things you can do to save yourself so follow these instructions very carefully.

The first is to click here and buy my book Amazon.com and the second is to go to my www – wickedly wonderful website and catch up – you have a lot of catching up to do – and if you want to kill two birds with one paw (so to speak) then you could choose to buy my book at my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com while you spend hours learning about probably the most famous, talented and modest Cat around.

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Dec 152010
 

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Today I am saying goodbye to Randolph the Mountaineering Cat who unfortunately yesterday met a mountain that he wasn’t able to climb successfully.

You know I met Randolph the Mountaineering Cat on his travels while I was doing research for my next book ‘The Travelogue,’ unfortunately the chapter with Randolph the Mountaineering Cat in it was ‘bought’ by the country where we met and so it won’t be in my next blockbusting book.

Actually I am finding that a lot of governments, mayors and anyone connect with countries, cities or towns which feature in my soon to be published Travelogue are ‘buying out’ chapters related to their countries, cities or towns so that they don’t have to suffer the embarrassment of being ‘exposed’ in what is the most honest travel book every written by a Cat!

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This purchasing of chapters means that the book is constantly getting smaller and in turn means that I in the interests of value for money have to keep traveling to new countries, of course the extra work is annoying but let’s face it the ‘hush money’ or as some call them ‘bribes’ come in very handy – just ask any african politician or sporting body committee member!

What I can say without breaking the confidentiality agreements I have pawed is that I first bumped into Randolph the Mountaineering Cat on the way to Nepal as he was enduring a stop over at a shabby and rather smelly airport in a rapidly developing country that will one day take America’s place as the leader of the world… sorry I have to stop there for two reasons the first is mentioned above and the second is that I am laughing so much I just can’t type.

After that, our paths seemed to cross as we went from country to country Randolph the Mountaineering Cat was off to climb yet another mountain and I was… well I actually can’t tell you too much about what I was doing or you won’t buy the next book and that would be a little like shooting myself in the Paw with a keyboard! Mmh ‘shooting myself in the paw with a keyboard’ doesn’t sound right does it? But I think you know what I mean.

You know in the short time that we had together Randolph the Mountaineering Cat and I got on rather well and shared a curry together and later the same toilet. It was then while we were both in a lot of pain that something he said stuck in my mind as the dysentery did its worst “chaps and Cats that suffer together form a bond that nothing can break!” I knew exactly what he meant and I also knew that I would possibly sometimes miss-quote Randolph the Mountaineering Cat but I would never forget him or what he said.

Sadly yesterday that bond was broken but not but me. I heard that Randolph the Mountaineering Cat was swinging one pawedly from snowy boulder to snowy boulder in a scree 6,000ft above Base Camp 3 when something went wrong and he slipped.

You know, we got on so well that I had even arranged for him to have ‘exploratory’ talks with my translator John Woodcock in the hope that with Randolph the Mountaineering Cat’s amazing adventures and our very own Mr. Woodcock’s feeble talent together they could produce a bestseller similar to my work a masterpiece of feline literary genius – ‘Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ available here Amazon.com if you are one of the few people on planet earth who haven’t bought it yet and of course my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com where you can buy my book, read my blog and get so much more including loads of free online games both festive and not so festive.

It’s a shame and a great loss that as with Randolph the Mountaineering Cat that book is lost forever.

So in conclusion I would just like to say that Randolph the Mountaineering Cat was a fine Cat and a good friend and I know that it is not only me who will miss him because the world is a poorer place without him and his adventurous kind!

Mourning Ribbon RHS.png

Oh take all of what I said about Randolph the Mountaineering Cat back, he has just called me, he’s in town and we’re going out for Prawns on Friday. I asked him about the photograph and he said that it was the first in a series of ‘shots’ taken for a magazine of him clawing his way to the summit of Katmandu.

Apparently the photoshoot was supposed to be ‘dramatic,’ I didn’t have the heart to tell him how ‘dramatic’ the story that was that I was given about the first picture in the series! I don’t know you can never trust the media these days. Still I am looking forward to catching up with Randolph the Mountaineering Cat almost as much as I am looking forward to the Prawns.

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Dec 142010
 

Not only are french Christmas carols odd they are of course rip off of English ones, for example the good old ‘The Twelve Days of Christmas’ or ‘Partridge in a Pear Tree’ becomes ‘La foi de la loi’ or ‘The faith of the law!’But the french have tried to disguise the fact that they have stolen the English Christmas Carol by adding a bizarreness to it and that achieve this by adding words about their favourite past time – eating.

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So instead of a ‘The Twelve Days of Christmas’ we have ‘La foi de la loi’ or ‘The faith of the law’ which you will have cleverly noticed has noting to do with food – ah these frenchies are clever and there isn’t a Partridge or a Pear tree in sight.

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They sing this little song at Christmas in the west of France and as befits a song about food disguised as a song about the law, the french insists that the song is sung “avec solennite,” (with solemnity) this Cat thinks that that is probably not easy when you look at the words to the 11th verse!

So how do we know that the french stole the song when it has been so heavily disguised – well the tune is a dead give away and I suppose you are going to have to take this honest Cat’s word for that but I can also add that the sequence of the song is the same as in English because although the french do so much that is different from the normal world they haven’t yet managed to count differently to the rest of the world much to their annoyance.

So without further ado let’s strike up the band and sing ‘La foi de la loi,”avec solennite’ of course!

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On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me a good stuffing without bones (it doesn’t quite have the ring of a ‘The Twelve Days of Christmas’/’Partridge in a Pear Tree’ does it?)

Now just add the rest below!

Two breasts of veal,

Three joints of beef,

Four pigs’ trotters,

Five legs of mutton,

Six partridges with cabbage,

Seven spitted rabbits,

Eight plates of salad,

Nine dishes for a chapter of canons,

Ten full casks,

Eleven beautiful full-breasted maidens (would the french know what to do with these?)

Twelve musketeers with their swords

I don’t know about you, but it just doesn’t do it for me! I miss the Lords a Leaping and the Five Gold Rings but then maybe i am old fashioned, still if you are very good and need a laugh let me know and I will tell you all about the very weird Scottish version of this great English Carol ‘strange’ is a word that doesn’t come close to describing it – yes the french and the scots have a lot in common.

Great News

Amazon.com have done what they described as an “emergency restock” so that then now have enough copies my best selling book, they like me are surprised and delighted by just how many people have shown the good taste to buy not only a copy of my masterpiece of a book for themselves but also to buy four or five spare copies to give to treasured friends and relations.

So don’t miss out on having my wonderful book delivered well before the noel day order it now.Yes drop everything – what did you think I meant!

Get your copy or better still copies here Amazon.com and of course you can always get a copy of my perfect book from my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com where you can also enjoy a lot of other stuff free online games, jokes, and so much more.

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Dec 142010
 

Have you ever wanted to know how to say “Happy Christmas” in sign language and be able to wish your friends with hearing loss a “Happy Christmas?”

I know I would want to if I were human! Sadly paws don’t ‘do’ sign language very well, although it is worth remembering that as well as understanding human speech Cats can and do lip read – yes you didn’t know that did you?

Here is the perfect and simplest way to say Happy Christmas in sign language using ASL (American Sign Language), it is by no means the only way to do that because sign language is an amazingly varied and rich language but most deaf people are very clever at interpreting what you ‘say’ and will be able to understand what you are signing happily.

There are two basic signs that you have to master to say “Happy Christmas” in sign language the first (below) is ‘Happy’ (obviously) and involves holding your hands (which I must say I envy you having) straight out in front of your body and then twirling them in different direction as indicated by the nice bald man and handy arrows in the picture.

Happy Sign.jpg

Once you have done that the second sign is equally as simple and basically comprises the sign letter for ‘C’ a curl made up of your fingers and thumbs waved from right to left and if you add that to the first sign you have “Happy Christmas” in sign language.

Isn’t it nice to think that thanks to this wonderful Cat you can sign Happy Christmas I think so and wish I could but the closest I have got with my paws is “have cash” – and that is not something you want to advertise in public in snowy Prague one of the cities currently competing for “Pickpocketing Capital of the World.”

Christmas Sign.jpg

Don’t forget that Amazon.com have restocked my best selling book and that means that you can still order it now and have it delivered before the noel day, they say that my book makes a wonderful present and who am I to disagree?

Get your copy or better still copies here Amazon.com and of course you can always get a copy of my perfect book from my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com where you can also enjoy a lot of other stuff free online games, jokes, and so much more.

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Dec 132010
 

Why are all slightly unbalanced Cats called ‘Ginger?’ If you read my blog or visit my www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com you’ll be more than familiar with one of my best pals who mostly goes by the name of ‘Ginger,’ and indeed you may remember vividly his ‘cooler kid’ story.

My pal Ginger is not the only Ginger Cat who’s ‘balance’ you would question, but it doesn’t end there, ‘Ginger’ Cats are more often than not just plain naughty which is yet another trait in the shadowy, larcenous end of the Cat family tree where the ‘Gingers’ hang out doing a marvellous job of finding trouble.

The reason I ask why all Ginger Cats are ‘the way they are’ is because yet another Ginger has been caught being naughty, generally annoying folk and in the process getting himself into all sorts of official tepid water.

The ‘ Ginger’ here is a Cat who lives in Swansea in South Wales, Swansea’s not what you might call a ‘happening place’ there’s no urban beat in South Wales let alone Swansea the inhabitants would, in fact if they were honest, call the place ‘dormant’ rather than just sleepy, all in all Swansea is a pretty quiet place with not a lot to do in the long snow covered wintry nights – but enough of the Travelogue (the title of my next book of course – which happily doesn’t feature Swansea I have to say), here’s more about ‘Welsh Ginger.’

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‘Welsh Ginger’ has a hobby! It’s the sort of hobby that he and other enthusiasts can only practice at night when few are about and all good humans and nice Cats are tucked up in bed fast asleep.

‘Welsh Ginger’ went to far this time though when his human was woken up by Police officers urgently banging on the front door in the very dark and early hours of the morning.

‘Welsh Ginger’s’ sleepy, bleary eyed owner was told by the Police that they were responding to a ‘999’ call it is the same as a ‘911’ call except that it is faster and easier to dial on a digital phone obviously – mind you this Cat has always wondered why humans didn’t pick the first number on the phone dial to jab three times in a hurry if there was a need for any or all of the emergency services? But then that has nothing to do with this story or indeed human logic!

‘Welsh Ginger’s’ human sleepily said that the emergency call was nothing to do with him and took the officers into the front room where he kept the phone to prove it! It was then that ‘Welsh Ginger’ might have known that the game was ‘up.’ well at least for the moment, if he had been awake!

Unfortunately for ‘Welsh Ginger’ he had dialed 999 to make the hoax call probably giggling sleepily and then nodded off next to the phone where he was, according to the police report, “found to be reclining next to the unhooked phone with one of his paws on the keyboard.” Oops!

When we at The Cat’s Diary had a chat with – let’s call him ‘Telephone Ginger,’ because for some reason ‘Welsh Ginger’ make him sound a bit dim doesn’t it, he said.

“What can I say? I’m vexed – I was caught! But I’d do it again, in a whisker, in fact if no one is looking I’d do it now, can you pass me the phone… oh no that’s how I got caught last time!”

‘Telephone Ginger’ went on to say that he liked not only playing with the phone but also making hoax calls but that it seems that he had made one or two fatal errors.

“I don’t think I should use the phone again when I am tired, but I don’t think that was the only reason I got caught, it’s uncanny but I it feels like someone was on the other end listening!”

This clever Cat never said that Ginger Cats were that bright did I?

When asked about the incident a Police spokesman said “that he would like to thank Ginger for making a slow Tuesday night just a little more exciting, ‘cos you see, nothing much goes on in Swansea!”

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Nov 262010
 

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Ok paws up I have to admit that the picture I have here has been ‘doctored’ and I wasn’t in this year’s parade – your shocked mmh maybe I should have kept my mouth shut but you know Cats cant lie – worst luck we would be so much better at big business and politics if we could.

I have to also admit that the picture wasn’t ‘doctored’ very well – but what can you expect if you outsource things like this to India? – Not a lot is the answer! Just look at the standard of Disney and Dreamworks animation these days!

Still honesty aside for a moment one day I will really be in a Macy’s Parade, I promise, and it will be soon after my movie based on my worldbeatingunputdownable book – I have added world beating bit to my usual word describing my book because someone has stolen my word ‘unputdownable’ shame they didn’t search for a life rather than wonderful new words to steal – sorry where was I?

Oh yes my new movie – well what can I say? I am closing in on a deal which happily is based on the sales of my wonderful book of course; it almost goes without saying is available here Amazon.com and here on my ‘www’ “wickedly wonderful website” –  www.thecatsdiary.com happily at the moment no one has stolen my term for my website – but I suppose it is only a matter of time!

Unfortunately it is not like I am that little rat Mickey Mouse who just announces that he wants to make another comeback and gets a movie deal immediately. I have had to fight tooth and claw to even get into the movie mogul’s offices – well eventually I did it through a synagogue and a Steven Spielberg disguise, of course, but that is another story! I don’t want to get all Sarah Palin on you here!

So the movie of the book will come one day and you know how determined I am to be up there in lights, to say nothing of floating above your heads in a Macy’s Parade on Thanksgiving – there is just one thing that I am a little worried about and that is after the parade – yes I saw Mickey ‘nudging’ a Smurf in a way that should only be demonstrated on dolls but that is not what I meant about being worried about what happens after the parade! I have learned to keep my back against the wall dealing with all of those movie types.

What I am worried about is that in order to take part in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade you have to be able to float so they fill you up with Helium – fair enough! But and it is a great big one, ‘but’ what happens when they let the gas out? Do you make a series of loud inappropriate noises or is it just one long one? If anyone knows or has indeed had large amounts of gas in the past please can you let a worried Cat know exactly what happens – many thanks.

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Oct 202010
 

I don’t want to worry any of my readers, except the ones who haven’t bought my book yet but there is, I have heard, been a bit of a run on stocks of my wonderful book “Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary” recently and I have been told by my rather panicky and excitable publisher that there is a possibility that supplies of my wonderful and eminently readable book might be in short supply this Christmas – a little like a Disney Buzz Lightyear toy and all of the other must have toys of the past.

With this in mind my advice to anyone wanting to buy my book for themselves or as a wonderful gift for a loved one is to get at least one copy now – just think if you buy two or more you’ll probably be able to sell the others at a massive profit like the person at at Amazon.com who is currently charging double for his or her copy and they have probably read it – I call that a ‘result’ don’t you?

If they have run out at Amazon.com don’t forget you can always get a copy of my perfect book from my www.thecatsdiary.com.

It looks like this –

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